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it's done. it was hard, but I felt a lot more calm than I expected.

we got to the mountains, to my mom's house, and got him comfy on the comforter off of my bed here. I gave him the three pills the vet gave us, and my mom and I sat with him and waited about half an hour until the vet got here.

he was pretty well sedated at that point, but he knew someone was here, and kept barking at her (which is total dante instinct, someone is in his house, and he's going to bark at them until they leave), so she gave him a shot to sedate him further, I wanted him to be completely comfortable and out of it before she needed to come in.

I sat with him and stroked his fur and talked to him, and gave him lots of kisses, until he was limp. I know he was relaxed, because he was softly twitching the way he always does when he's in a deep sleep.

then she came in, shaved his leg, and tried to find a vein. it was difficult because his veins were collapsed due to the sedative, so she had to try twice, and they kept ballooning up. she ended up having to use a cat needle, which we all kind of chuckled at, because throughout his life we always said "that dog thinks he's a cat". it worked, and she gave him the solution. he was already completely out of it, he didn't even know she was there, there was no change in him after the shot was given, but I knew he was gone. he passed peacefully, with love, and didn't have a moment of discomfort or pain.

hearing the vet say without a doubt that it was time gave me some comfort, and I know in my heart that it was as well.

it's just very, very weird. I feel like he's just in the other room sleeping or something, and will be waking up any second. he was a HUGE part of my life, and everything just feels very quiet and empty without him. I'm honestly pretty heavily self-medicated right now, but even that is just taking the edge off. I am so incredibly heart broken. I miss him so much already.