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Hi, Mango. I'm a little late to this post, but I had to put my dog Deimos down in December and it was, shit, there aren't even words. To say it was hard sounds like an understatement. To say it was heartbreaking sounds like I'm falling back on cliches. But it was both of those things and even more words that don't do enough to describe what I went through.

I spent his last ten days so ANGRY at everyone who had told me that I would know it was time. I didn't know! I was questioning it, questioning everyone who had been through it, coming up with off the wall scenarios for my vet to get him to admit that maybe it wasn't time after all, scenarios in which my dog would beat the odds and bounce back and if that were the case then of course I couldn't put him down because I would be denying him that bounce-back.

My vet helped me the most. He told me that in all his years of practice, he had never met anyone who, when faced with a dog whose health was failing, had afterwards worried that they put the dog down too soon. He did, however, have many, many, many patients who realized after the fact that they probably should have put the dog down earlier. And he said it's not something anyone wants to live with, the realization that they made their dog suffer longer than necessary. I asked him then how I would know I wasn't going to jump the gun and put him down too early just to make sure I didn't put him down too late. And he told me, that in my dog's case, there was no longer a too early. There was no bouncing back. Ugh, this is wretched to type.

Deimos stopped eating kibble and even canned food in his last few days, but he would still eat ground beef (here I am, vegan, serving my dog raw meat by hand, but of course I would do anything for him), Swiss cheese, and peanut butter. Then he cut out two and only ate Swiss cheese that last 24 hours. Not much, just a bite here and there. So I made the appointment for a vet to come to my house and do it at 9 am on a Wednesday morning. December 21. And I told them I'd cancel if I realized he didn't need to go just yet after all.

I took the day off from work, both the day before the appt, and the day of the appt. And just hung out with him. This might sound morbid, but the night before the appointment, he started panting pretty heavily. I took a five second video of it, just in case after the fact I might worry that I did it too soon, then I'd have that video of him and know that I was right in making the decision.

The morning of the appointment, I took him out to potty and his urine was brown. I guess there was blood in it? And I finally knew it was time. Thank goodness I already had the appointment for that morning. I helped him upstairs and put him on his bed and we waited for the vet.

I didn't know for sure until the morning it happened, but I definitely knew by then. I miss him terribly and think of him at the oddest times, and sometimes I feel guilty when I think of him because I feel like I should have ALREADY been thinking about him. I dreaded January 21 so badly because for a month to pass meant that time was passing, and I kind of felt like time should have stopped for him. I know all of that is ridiculous, but he was my first dog, and he was my special needs pain in the ass dog, so I put so much time and energy and love into him, and I still don't know who I should have called but there should have been someone out there to take my call and listen to my plea that Deimos was special and he was supposed to live forever.

He was 6 when he was diagnosed with cancer, and 7 when I lost him. It still doesn't feel real to be honest. It's absurd to me that this kind of pain happens to people every day, that other people have been through what I went through, and when I realize that I'm shocked that we get through it. But we do because we have to, but it doesn't mean we didn't love our dogs, because we did and we do, and I still have Dagny to take care of, and you have your new pup as well, and there is absolutely no right way to end this post because again words are failing me.

I'm sorry you're going through this, Mango. It sucks, and I'm sorry.