As usual when I have a crisis, I write about it on JJB and it's really long. LOL. But someone, please read this and tell me how I can feel better about it. Even if only two people end up responding. I've talked about it with other people, but it doesn't seem to help. They tell me that she's crazy and not to worry about her, and just remind me that I need to quit being so nice to people because it's me being too nice that causes people to play me out so easily. That I can't go through life believing that everything needs to be fixed.
Onto my story... I don't know why I keep stressing over this friendship that ended, but I do. It feels like I was backstabbed. I keep trying to tell myself it's not worth it, but I can't help it. The last time we spoke, she hurt me so bad. This all took place last year and I haven't spoken to her since October. The reason I keep thinking about it is because I still have no idea why it happened and escalated to that point, and why a "best friend" would treat me so horribly. Her family was like my family and vice versa, she was like a sister. I just want to know what JJB thinks about it. The fallout is pretty stupid, but keep in mind that I'm only 20 years old. Maybe she has some growing up to do, too.
We've been very good friends since we were 4 years old. When I was a teen, I moved to another state with my family that was only 30 minutes away, but it didn't stop our friendship. We still kept in touch. When we were old enough, we were able to see each other much more often. I would go to sleep over her house, she would come over to my home and stay for weeks at a time.
One time that I stayed over her home back in *2009*, I left a bag of clothes there by accident. With a few expensive shirts, stockings and a pair of expensive jeans. The jeans weren't some dingy, replaceable jeans either. It was my fault for leaving them. I paid a lot for them and I wore them in my casual portrait shots for my senior year of high school in the photoshoot, I bought it specifically for that. I didn't worry that I left it there because I trusted her when she told me "Don't worry, I will send them to you in the mail." The game of cat and mouse began after that with my clothes. Every month I would ask her to mail them, and she would say 'Yes! This Thursday I will!" She did it everytime I asked her with a different day of the week. By the time a year passed, my mother just told me to let it go and don't ask her for the clothes anymore because she probably wants them. I thought it was silly and I would say NOOOOO she would never do that! But then it got weirder. I would go to her house to hang out and I would say 'Hey, where's the bag of clothes?!" She'd look all over her closet, then apologize and said she can't find them. I was pissed and didn't show it, I just told myself to let it go, it's no big deal. Then she offered me money for them. o_O Saying "Look, I'll just give you like $95." I told her that I don't want her money and I just never asked again. Why would she offer to pay for my clothes if she knows it's somewhere in her house?
I left her house and a few weeks later she called me "GUESSSSS WHAT! I FOUND YOUR CLOTHES! I'll send them!" .... Still...she didn't send it to me. I spent New Years Eve 2010 going into the year 2011 with her and her family, when I went over to her house I asked. She went through her entire basement and made a mess. She told me she couldn't find it. It was the weirdest thing ever. How do you have my clothes, call to me say you have them, don't send it to me, and then when I'm actually *there* again you have no clue where you put it? Wouldn't you just store it in a safe place for the next time I see you? It didn't cause a problem between us, but it was weird.
April 2011 came and she calls to say she has them and she promises to send them. I just tell her "Ok" and hope that she actually would and she didn't. That wasn't the biggest problem of the year. 2011 she would constantly blow me off in phone calls. There were very few times that she would contact me chat. She even sent me an unexpected long card with a long letter, telling me all the loveydovey things that BFFs tell each other, supportive words, saying how she will always be there for me no matter what, that in 5 or 10 years we will laugh at everything that we've ever been through together, and that the distance doesn't matter "I'm only a phone call away." It was the sweetest card ever, but it was bullshit and she didn't stand by what she said. I would call her, she wouldn't answer or call me back. Ever. When I would actually be able to reach her, after we talked for a little she'll tell me that she has to call me back and never would until *I* had to call her. It happened MANYYYY times. In May I was going through something really bad and I needed her. Not to vent, but an old friend that would help keep my mind off things. I just wanted to chat with her, or at least hang out with her. It was impossible to even talk to her. This is where it comes in that we randomly stopped talking --- one early morning I woke up and I texted her, it was about 9 AM. on a weekend. I said hey and asked if she was up, she told me she was and that the text woke her up, but she has to get ready for a college course she has on Saturday. She asked me if everything was fine, I told her yeah and that I missed her. She told me that she was going to call me on her way to class, but I didn't believe it at all and hoped that she would. She didn't. Later that day I got a text from her, she said I know I didn't call you, but I promise that I will at the end of the day when I get the chance. =)" ....She didn't. I thought she would maybe talk to me the next day instead, she didn't. That following day I texted her saying "What is going on here? I'm getting tired of how you keep treating your friends." She didn't even reply to me.
At that point, I was like seriously? On the THIRD day, I called her because I wanted to know wtf was up. She didn't answer, so I called again and left a voicemail. I told her that I have noooooo idea what is going on between us, that I call her and she never calls me back, she ignores my texts, that she hasn't returned my clothes as she promised. I said 'I don't know what's going on with you, but what I'm really asking the most is for you is to at least pleaseeee send my clothes. It's been years now and you said I'd have it a few months ago. If you're not going to send it, I'm going to assume you either lost them and you're not telling me or youre wearing them. Bye" She didn't listen to the voicemail, but she texted me instantly saying "I'm at work." I said "Please send my clothes. Thanks." She wrote "k" which was probaby meant to be bitchy. I texted back with my address.
A week later I received a random package from her with my clothes. They smelled like laundry detergent and looked worn. My jeans were so stretched out. Everything didn't even feel like they were my clothes anymore. We didn't talk since May for about five or six months. Initially I was mad for a month, but I always thought about her.
In October I woke up one morning and wrote her a text. [ I told her that I really miss her and want us to be close again. That we've been friends for so long, that this was stupid with what's been going on this year and how we were never like this. I expressed how it bothered me that she wouldn't even try to reach out to me. I asked her if this was how she really wanted our friendship to end, and if so, then I will leave it be. And I told her to tell her family that I said hello. ] Even though we weren't talking, I still held her up on a pedestal in my mind that she was one of my best friends and that we will talk eventually. I figured maybe it's because things were awkward that we hadn't talked?
I wrote her that text because I was sure that we would be able to talk it out. She said she didn't want to. The first response she told me was "Don't you ever stop to think that I actually have a life? Why am I going to call you when you won't let things go and our friendship won't go back the way it used to be?" I told her that we all have busy lives with school and work, but we make time for people and that she would never contact me. I told her that we've had plenty of issues in the past that we've resolved and we would always move forward. I told her/asked her do you really want to push away the people that mean the most to you?" She ignores the whole long text I said and tells me "What the fuck are you talking about?" I hate arguing in texts, so I called her. She doesn't answer. She would continue to write me texts, I would call her, she wouldn't answer. In her texts she told me "Let me ask you something, do you bother your friends over this type of stuff the way that you do it to me?" I was telling her "Why are you so defensive and hostile? This isn't like you and you won't tell me. If youre trying to say we're no longer friends, just say so." She tells me "What I'm telling you is STOP THE DRAMA. I'm sorry, I'm wrong. Fine. Whatever. Just drop it." I told her "I'm not saying that you're wrong, I'm sure I have my flaws too and things that bother you." She replies to me saying "Stop calling me. I'm sick and you're pissing me off even more." I told her what does she mean by she's sick? I asked her "Do you mean sick of me talking to you, or that youre ill?" She goes "I'm sick as in ill, I've had the flu all week, so Ive been staying home for awhile.' I kept trying to ignore her attitude because I thought that maybe she was angry about something that I didn't know and we would be able to talk about it. I didn't know she had such harsh feelings towards me. I told her "Oh okay, I hope that you feel better. Well, maybe a few weeks from now we can talk." She said "No, I don't want to talk about it. Just let it go." I asked what is she trying to achieve from letting it go. She said "Losing my cool and getting even more pissed off. Just let it go." I told her that she's really hurting my feelings. Next she said...
This is what she told me that has echoed in my mind since that day and I quote - "Things aren't the way it used to be and you can't accept it. That's not my problem and it's yours to deal with. I'm done explaining anything to you."
I stopped replying to her altogether, as I should have awhile ago. I was just trying to be a good friend. When I tell you that I was hurt, I was extremely heart broken. I've never been so hurt in my entire life. More than any person that could've hurt me. No boys from my past that disappointed me could EVER amount to how hurt I was by what she said. It felt like she was a different person. I kept trying to tell myself that it was my fault and what I could've done to make our friendship better, but then I realize that it's her own attitude and not me. I shouldn't have to chase a friend to talk to me.
She pretty much played me.
These days she blocked me off of Facebook entirely (she recently made one, we were never friends on there). When I say she just blocked me, she literally blocked me a week ago. I on;y know that she blocked me because one of my close girl friends friend and I did a little investigation. Then literally this Tuesday she asked one of my guy friends if they have seen me lately, if they talk to me often, and asked what I've been up to these days.
JJB, WHYYYYYYYYY would she ask about me? Why is she wondering what I'm doing, if she didn't care to be my friend ? Why would she even ask, when she blocked me for no apparent reason recently? She blocked me 2-3 months after we never talked. I never called or texted her again. I don't ever in my life want to be her friend. I actually hope the day comes that she tries to reconnect with me when we're much more mature, because I will gladly curse her out.
I feel like I have this grudge weighing over me JJB. When I think about it (which is still often), it's almost like it happened yesterday. It doesn't help that she's still pulling shannigans like blocking me. How can I get over this? I have other friends, but this was my longest friendship. I really though we'd be in each other's weddings and whatnot as adults. Sigh.
