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The Pop Singer's Fear Of The Pollen Count - Entry 14

People say a change is as good as a vacation, right? Well, if that’s true, then why am I so desperately wishing that this idea of change didn’t exist?

Beth is changing. She’s different and I’ve noticed before but it’s only now that I’m accepting it. She isn’t the same girl she was last month, never mind eight months ago. She looks different, she talks different, she acts different she’s …different.

I mean, she’s still the same in some ways, and I still love the hell out of her, but she confuses me a little. She doesn’t react to me or the things I say the same way that she used to. She doesn’t get upset so much as irritated when I’m an a'sshole to her. She’s not embarrassed to talk about sex any more. She isn’t as sensitive as she used to be…I guess she’s just growing up.

Since we’ve started dating, all I’ve really wanted was for her to be grown up…I think. I mean, I loved the innocence and stuff but if she were at least twenty-one and a bit more stable, things would be a little easier. Now, though, I don’t want her to change at all. I want her to rely on me for stuff again, but she doesn’t need me as much as she did before. She has a whole new set of friends and a whole new life that I’m not a part of and that I know nothing about. Trace theorised that it bugs me because I’ve lost a certain amount of control over her; that could have just been the weed talking, though. I guess he could be right. I don’t know the kids she hangs out with now, I know very little about her school and her life outside of our relationship, and I feel like I know less about her with every day.

I think what really bugged me…and this is such a stupid thing to be freaked out about…is when we said goodbye, in Tennessee at Thanksgiving…she didn’t even cry. I don’t even think she cared that she was leaving me all alone. Usually, she’d be a total mess. The time before that, she had been crying and shaking so badly that calming her down had been almost impossible but this time…nothing.

Is it sick that I want her to be upset? I mean, it’s great that she’s dealing with everything, but I’m not. I can’t f-cking sleep any more but she’s out partying almost every night and I can’t help but worry about her. What f-cking slays me though, is that she’s been smoking weed for weeks and did she even think to inform me of this? Hell no. I’ve offered to teach her how to and stuff lots of times and she’s always refused. What makes her friends so much better than me? I thought she would have been more comfortable experimenting when I’m there because she’s safe with me but apparently she doesn’t think so. I’m f-cking terrified that she’s going to do some stupid sh't and kill herself or worse. If she’s in a good mood she sometimes tells me the kind of stuff that they do at night and it weirds me out a little. Like, they play dares and do stupid stuff like skinny-dipping and kissing each other. Yeah, she kisses people who are not me. Granted, she says she was really drunk and it was another girl who had her tongue in her mouth, but still, she shouldn’t be doing that. Am I an idiot for worrying that she might be gay? And is it wrong that it’s kind of hot?

So she’s generally going off the rails and overindulging in everything that she shouldn’t be and scaring the sh't out of me. She goes to class drunk and doesn’t pay attention so she’s flunked a couple of assignments but she says it isn’t anything that she can’t make up. I tried to tell her that she needs to study at least a little but she told me to ‘lighten up’. Lighten up? Me? I’m totally light. It’s just that she’s making me a little dull right now.

She’s mad at me sometimes, too. I mean, she is a little calmer about some stuff but I could tell she was p'ssed at me for taking those two chicks dressed as nurses to the BMAs. It was just a joke, she knows she has nothing to be upset about, but she was all quiet and kind of snappy with me for a while after that. I’ve said some stupid stuff in interviews, though, but only because I’m so f-cking sick of them asking me the same old questions about Britney. It’s so frustrating. I just want them to play my f-cking records but they insist on knowing every tiny detail of my private life as well. So when they ask stupid questions, I give them stupid answers but then they twist them to sound completely different from how I had intended. If I were Beth, I’d be p'ssed at me for saying that too but the thing is, I didn’t actually say it.

I guess she’s just tired of the whole media thing. It seems like every week they have a new picture of us or some kind of story about me in the paper. The latest one is a photograph of her with Brandon, and they’re claiming that he’s her son by that Dave a'sshole. Speaking of Satan, that d'ck sold a @#%$ story to some tabloid about how Beth had lost her virginity to him while she was dating me and I had hunted him down and punched his face in. I wish I had.
Now usually, that would have freaked me the f-ck out, but come on, there’s no way she did that. I know her issues with sex, as well as how she feels about cheating, so I know that one isn’t true.

I’d be pretty p'ssed if I were her too, I guess. I think she’s just sick of the bullsh't, y’know? She has a whole lot going on right now and she’s holding everything together herself because I’m not there to help her and even if I was, I don’t think she’d let me. The most she would tell me was that her dad filed for divorce from Rhona and is looking into taking custody of Brandon. For a while I would have though that that’s what she wanted, but she says it isn’t. She honestly just wants him to be where he’ll be taken care of, and to her, that is with his mom, even if it means she doesn’t see him as much. I did try to arrange for Brandon and Rhona to go down to LA and stay with us for a while but she’s just started a new job and he’s in a new kindergarten so she can’t really leave right now. I guess if I can get time off we could go see them. I had thought about booking it for the New Year but I’m going to Ozzy and Sharon’s wedding so that doesn’t work either.

Oh, and we can’t even spend Christmas together; some bullsh't about her having to spend it in Canada because she never sees her mom. Well I never see Beth but that doesn’t seem to matter. I can’t go with her, either, my mom would flip.

I’ve tried asking Beth nicely, I’ve tried begging, I’ve tried guilt trips, I even stooped to compromising but she won’t budge. She says that unless I go with her to her mom’s, we’ll just have to be apart. I managed to book her for the New Year, though, so I guess that’s a plus. That is if she ever remembers to call me again.

I just wanted us to have a nice romantic Christmas together, y’know? Despite the fact that it’s one of the few times that I’m not working, I thought it could be sweet and sh't. I’m pretty proud of the gift I got for her too. It’s this little silver heart-shaped box with her initials engraved on the inside. I thought it was an awesome idea because of that Nirvana song, ‘Heart Shaped-Box’. I figure she’ll like anything to do with them and it’s pretty too. My mom wants one but I told her it kind of takes away from the whole sentiment of giving it to Beth. I got her other stuff too, CDs and underwear and random crap. I’m going to get her that new book of Kurt Cobain’s Journals as well, and mom says she saw a purse or something that she thinks Beth will like. I’ll probably have got her too much but whatever; I like buying stuff for her.

I need to do something to take the sting off what I did to my head, too. I just got sick of the curls and shaved them all off again. I seriously think she’s going to kill me, but…actually, I don’t even know if she’ll care, and that hurts like hell. Am I complete p-ssy for whining about how I feel like @#%$ for loving her? Because I do. I mean, loving her makes me feel awesome but everything that comes with loving her, and what it’s doing to me right now…not so much.

Sometimes I think I should love her a little less. Is that a bad thing?

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She smokes weed now? I didn't miss a chapter right? you just threw it in there now right?

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Aaaall will be explained in due time. Just relax, grab a beverage and let the dancing Cabana boys entertain you *ahem*

Also, that you all so much for the feedback