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12/11/2011 7:14 PM
12/14/2011 12:12 AM
12/14/2011 9:29 PM
12/18/2011 2:29 PM
OMG. OMG! I know I met Donnie before but that was with Justin right there – I couldn't react like I wanted to – meaning freak the fuck out! But Justin and I were still madly in love and (allegedly) only had eyes for each other. What a crock of shit, right?
So when we went to Meet and Greet we tried to compose ourselves. Well, Jen and I did, Sasha didn't care and seemed to be regretting her decision to join us more and more but Jen and I tried to get her excited.
We ended up ignoring her and tried not to geek out, managing to stay composed compared to the other loser fans, so that was a plus. Finally, at long last, we got to take our pictures. We had our one group photo then one individual photo with each guy, which we didn't care about Jon, Danny and Joe. In the group pic I snuggled close to Donnie – close but not too close – while Jen entwined herself about Jordan like a boa constrictor. Sasha just sort of stood there staring into space like she wasn't aware of the mass hysteria surrounding us.
Surprisingly, I got a mini-crush on Jon when we took our individual photo. He had a wicked sense of humor and we clicked. Who knew? Joe was okay and Danny was sulky, but I didn't care. It all led up to the main event.
And then it happened! Just as Donnie and I finished taking our quite adorable photo he squinted at me and said, “I know you from somewhere, don't I?”
Bliss engulfed me! He remembered me. As it turned out, he didn't remember when or where he met me, thank the Lord. He just said he never forgot a face and so then I nervously introduced my friends and we all said hello and stuff like that. He was really nice and I could see us maybe getting to hang out with him. Of course, this whole situation reminded me of meting Justin for the first time too, and then I thought about all that could happen if Donnie wanted a one night stand and then I began to get nauseous thinking about what that could mean, but then I caught myself from going down that road. Just take things as they come, I told myself. Next it was time for me and Donnie to take our solo picture and he asked me where he met me and I couldn't lie. I just couldn't do it. In one long rush, I told him that I used to date Justin and that I met him during the No Strings Attached tour when he brought his son to see it. He sort of squinted at me for awhile and then, miraculously, he seemed to remember. Only he didn't mention how I shook and trembled and practically dry-heaved all over him. For the love of God.
Then, after he eyed my two girls a little more he casually invited us to an after party. I knew it. I knew things were going to this way. What should I do? Justin would kill me. Completely murder me if he knew what was going on. But he didn't mention going to his hotel or anything so I felt safe – although little did he know that I already had reservations there. After exchanging looks with a pleading Jen, I knew I had no choice. Despite her being engaged, she would never give up a chance to spend a night partying with Jordan. I had no other option. I decided I might as well piss Justin off thoroughly if I was going to do it at all.
We went to the club and Sasha immediately set about getting herself wasted, as did I because I was scared about what Justin was going to do after he heard about this. And he would hear about it because I couldn’t lie to that man, no matter what the consequences. It would be easier to pretend like none of this ever happened, but I somehow always ended up telling him everything and I knew this would be no different. I resolved to myself that I wouldn't do anything sketchy with Donnie to make Justin upset. Who was I kidding? Donnie was just as irresistible to me as he was when I was 17, despite what I'd said to Justin earlier. Although then I'd managed to lie about it and pretend that the attraction wasn't still there anymore.
When the guys finally arrived, Donnie and Jordan sat at a table with us and we all started drinking pretty heavily, talking shit and just having a general good time. Pretty soon, Jordan and Jen began having their own private conversation and Sasha, Donnie and I talked. He was as awesome as I'd always imagined since I was a pre-teen. Funny, sort of cocky like Justin … I could see why I was attracted to both of them. Donnie was still a little stuck in the 1990's but that was okay … as lame as that may have been, it just made me like him even more because he was the same guy I fell in love with in 1989. I knew Sasha thought it was funny but she just wanted me to like someone, anyone other than Justin, so she was totally pushing us on to one another. He didn't seem to notice her trying to push the two of us together but I did think that he was feeling me. And damn it, I was definitely feeling him, too. While I sipped my fifth drink and considered what the hell I was going to do, they left to circulate through the club to talk to some of their wack fans and Sasha pounced on me.
“Are you gonna do the deed? He wants you, girl,” she said triumphantly All she wanted was for me to sleep with someone besides Justin so that the hold he had over me would be broken. And I sort of wanted the same thing to happen as well, but no way was I going down the same road I'd gone down with Justin all over again by sleeping with Donnie. Not that he wanted me to sleep with him, we were really jumping the gun! But no … as attracted as I was to him, as hot as I thought he was, I wasn't sleeping with Donnie.
Not that night anyway.
Something was stopping me. And I'm sure it's easy for you to guess what that something was. Or who.
He'd been trying so hard lately while I was in Cali. Letting me run the streets without a word, arranging for tickets and travel arrangements for me to go on this godforsaken tour with the New Kids, even getting Lynn to come stay with him for the two weeks I'd be gone… he was being perfect. . I knew he wanted me to move back into his bedroom but that wasn't happening anytime soon. I had been having too much fun and flirting with Donnie was even more fun than anything else that had happened to me in years. So maybe sex was out of the question for time time being but a little harmless flirting never hurt anyone, right?
So we spent the rest of the night dancing and drinking and then the inevitable happened. It was last call and everyone seemed to disappear except for me and Donnie. Sure enough, he leaned over and whispered in my ear. “Wanna come back to my room?”
Did I? Good Lord.
Swallowing the last of my drink to buy myself a little more time, I thought about it for sure. But I couldn't get the image of Justin looking at me with his dark blue eyes. I just couldn't do it.
“I can't,” I shook my head with regret, and I truly felt some regret. Donnie was a nice, funny and definitely a sexy guy. Sleeping with him would definitely be a good experience, it was just one I wasn't ready for. I hadn't slept with anyone but Justin in years and as much as I was not ready to sleep with him again, I just as much wasn't ready to sleep with anyone else either.
Something had to give soon, though, because I had needs and those needs needed to be taken are of.
Donnie smiled at me. “You sure?” he asked, running the back of his hand over the my cheek making me shiver. And I seriously thought about changing my mind but I couldn’t. Not just yet. But … maybe one day soon …
Smiling at him, I shook my head. “I have some unresolved … things … that I haven't taken care of yet,” I explained.
“Justin?” he inquired, not moving his hand from my cheek and still causing me to have delicious feelings inside.
I shrugged and didn't answer, but not making a move to get away from his wonderful hands. Just then the lights blinked and came on in the club, and we were surrounded by Jordan, Sasha, Jen and some of Donnie's friends. The spell was broken and we broke apart, blinking against the bright lights. Grabbing our coats, we all made our way outside and the guys jumped into the cars that their bodyguards had waiting for them. Jen, Sasha and I started to hail a cab but were surprised when Donnie's bodyguard, Robo, pulled us back and said he'd get one for us. We stood on the curb waiting for him to grab a cab and Donnie, having been talking to some fans outside of the club, walked by and pulled me aside.
“At least give me a hug,” he purred and I did so eagerly, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Why was I letting stupid old Justin get in the way of what was sure to be earth-shattering sex? But I was letting him interfere and that was that. Donnie would have to try again … and not even deep down, I was hoping that he would. We hugged tightly, and then as we started to pull away he puckered his lips at me and we shared a quick kiss.
The moment our lips met, flash bulbs went off and Donnie groaned. “My fans, they’re crazy,” he said, and I laughed. While the New Kids had some die hard fans,.they were nothing compared to what I'd been through with Justin. Not even close.
“Don't even worry about it,” I told him. And I meant it, it was nothing. “Just make sure they don't kill me, okay?” We laughed and he told me he'd see me tomorrow – I had told him we would be at the next 5 or 6 shows (how embarrassing!) and he told me he would arrange for us girls to have All Access passes. I'd given him my phone number so he could let me know how to get the passes the next day so we said we'd talk later and said our good byes.
The next week passed in a blur. We went to 4 shows and used our passes to hang out with all 5 of the guys, who all were a lot of fun. Even sullen looking Danny was sort of nice. We didn't see much of Joe as he was traveling with his wife and two babies but we still had lots of fun. We even got our tickets upgraded thanks to Donnie, who didn't stop his pursuit of me. It was getting worse yet better, if you know what I mean, and I had to deal with all of it while keeping Justin from imploding. He called what seemed like every hour, asking what I was doing and where I was. It was like he knew that Donnie had targeted me for seduction.
And he had. Every time I was around Donnie, he grabbed hold of me, giving me hugs, holding my hand or trying to steal a kiss. He didn't care who was around and it was jarring to me, because Justin's fans would've killed me in about 5 seconds flat if he had dared to do something like that. But Donnie was a naturally affectionate person, so it wasn't as big a deal as it was with Justin. Donnie hugged everyone, even kissed all his fans if they asked for it. So it didn't seem so weird for him to be seen hugging on me, just maybe to someone who had been to the same shows as we had been and saw that he was lavishing attention on the same person day after day would get upset about it. So far no one thought I was anyone special.
All too soon our two-week tour was over and I had to say goodbye to Donnie. We exchanged numbers and kisses – our kissing had upgraded just a little bit from hard pecks to some soft smooching, but still nothing serious – and I promised that I would return at some point during the tour. He promised he wouldn't forget me and he'd keep in touch and I died a little bit inside to think that this was really happening.
And then I wondered how the hell I thought I was going to keep anything going with Donnie when I returned to California and Justin? Was I insane? Justin was going to be all over me and no way was he going to make things easy for me to go back on the road ever again. I'd be lucky if I ever saw Donnie again, if he had anything to say about it. Thank God he didn't know that Donnie was pursuing me. I'd never let him privy to any of that information, I had to make sure my so-called best friend Sasha didn't tell him; she'd get nothing but joy out of spilling the beans to him that I was actually physically attracted to someone else for the first time in years besides him.
It was so weird. Sure, I'd dated a little with other guys besides Justin. And I'd even liked a few of them but no sparks were there and I just couldn't force it. I ended up alone in a cold bed every night, not understanding myself. Why couldn't I move on? Why did the thought of doing more than kissing any guy that was not Justin Timberlake turn me cold? And if that were the case, why didn't I just give in and be with Justin then, instead of playing this silly game that both of us seemed to know wasn't working? Well, that wasn't true. I hadn't found anyone until Donnie came along to be attracted to. Now I genuinely had discovered someone that I was attracted to and I was definitely thinking about being with him. But I was scared of Justin's reaction because I knew he'd find out, one way or another. It would kill him, I knew, so I was trying to put off the inevitable. Because I wanted to sleep with Donnie and unless he did something really wrong to turn me off, I was about to have a very sexy one night stand. I wasn't dumb enough to think Donnie wanted more than that. And I was cool with it. I could definitely deal with there being no strings attached. One time or two for fun was fine with me. Maybe I could even do something to keep this away from him? Hmm …
Yes! Thank you Lord! Jesus You have blessed me and I thank You from the bottom of my heart!
I thank God for the New Kids on the Block! I take back every grimy thing I might have said about them, for they have done what years and years of begging, pleading and other prayers could not do. Tara is finally interested in someone else besides Justin … did anyone ever think this could happen? Did anyone ever believe she'd finally let go of that muffin hair topped fool and get with someone else? Sure I think Donnie is kinda wack, maybe still stuck in the early 90's but that ain't my business. And his hair plugs are sort of obvious, true. But hey, I'm not the one who has to sleep with him. If she likes that, then more power to her. He is charismatic I have to admit. Very smart, funny, knowledgeable about music so he's at least fun to talk to … and very much into my girl. I don't know how she's held off so long, he's been all up in her face trying to get some. He even got us backstage passes good for the entire tour so we can come and go whenever we please so I am making it my business to get Tara back on that damn tour if it kills me. We've got about another month to go before it's over but luckily Donnie lives in Cali so I can still push the two of them together afterward. But even though we only just left the tour this morning and are on our way back to Cali, I'm already pushing for us to go back before Tara forgets that there is someone else in the world to sleep with besides that loser Justin. I am ready to pull my hair out listening to the New Kid's wack music and sick of all of their old, sloppy ass fans running around in camouflage calling themselves members of Donnie's Army – even N Sync’s fans weren't that crazy – but I'd put up with all of that and more if it could get Tara away from Justin. I was becoming the world's biggest pimp but I didn't care. If it worked it would all be worth it.
Unfortunately Tara just wouldn't go along with the plan and fall into bed with Donnie. I couldn't think of what else to get him to do: he was wooing her, smooching with her, all up in her face. It was perfect. Foolproof. The only guy that could sweep into her life and distract her from Justin's tired ass – other than Jigga man, of course – was front and center and if his plans weren't working maybe I needed to step in and offer some help in that area so that things could start to move along.
I mean, really. Would it take a freaking newspaper ad to get Tara to see that Donnie was better for her than Justin?
I think I want to kill myself. I mean, really, this time. Slit my fucking wrists or something.
The shit has finally hit the fan.
The press knows about me and Tara. Everything. Somebody sold us out. It's all due to hit the stands in 2 days. Tara, Riley, me. Mine and Tara's long, weird courtship. Everything. Pictures of us holding hands with Riley at a park here in LA, an old photo of me and Tara circa 1999.
But I don't really care about that.
It's the new photo I care about.
The one where Tara's fucking kissing Donnie Wahlberg. From like 3 weeks ago? Yeah, that's what I thought. She never mentioned anything about any kissing going on between the two of them when I listened to the whole, long story about her Magical Mystery Tour with the New Kids on the motherfucking Block.
Somebody sold us out to the tabloids and it looks like they've been sitting on the story for awhile and the Donnie aspect of it made it more interesting, coupled with the fact that they just realized that Riley is mine. So the whole story is how she's been this mystery woman in my life secret from all the fans and how we had this secret baby but now she is involved on the sneak tip with Donnie and is playing me. Which is pretty much true, if I look at it the way they're writing it. Of course, I'm ignoring the fact that they mention me and Cam and Brit in there but whatever. I can't believe they're resurrecting that Britney shit; I haven't talked to that bitch in years.
So there's a picture of me and Tara; one of me, her and Riley holding hands; and one of her kissing Donnie. Yeah, it's one of those pucker-type kisses but to me a fucking kiss is a fucking kiss. I can only thank God for small favors for not letting him have his tongue down her throat. I really think I would kill her and myself. Nobody could blame me for that shit either.
I'm just sitting here in my office in shock unsure of what to do next. I want to talk to Momma but I'm afraid to let her know what a mess my life has now become. Of course she may already know, what with Johnny faxing over the article to me. She manages me too so I wouldn't be surprised if he sent it over to her as well.
What do I do? Talk to Momma? Call Johnny? Trace? Shit … the person I really want to call is shocking me. Because I want to talk to Sasha fucking Evans more than anyone else one Earth. Yeah it might seem weird but, bottom line? She'll tell me exactly what's going on. She won't hold shit back, even painful shit that I may not want to hear. She'll tell me exactly how it is. Only I don't have her phone number. Shit! Even if I did, there's only one person I can talk to right now.
And that's Tara. She's only upstairs with Riley and if I talked to her best friend before I discussed it with her …. well, she'd fucking kill me. To be honest, I just am afraid to have this conversation for a couple of reasons.
We always knew that one day we'd be busted in the tabloids. It's just been a foregone conclusion, I mean, nobody escapes forever, especially if they have a kid together. We just thought we'd been under the radar enough so that we wouldn't have to worry. Shows what the fuck we know. But that's not the scary part, at least not for me. I know what it's like to deal with paparazzi dogging your every step. I'm used to that shit, I know how to keep it moving. But Tara's never really had to deal with it before; she's been around before when there were paps but no one ever put two and two together before so she always could watch from the sidelines and even that scared her some. So how is she gonna react to her business being spread all over the fucking streets?
I didn't know how to tell her or deal with how she would freak out. Because freak out she fucking would. If she wasn't driven crazy by her personal business being spread all over the tabloids, she definitely would freak about Riley being plastered all over them. But we were also being plastered all over them too, man. I just didn't know how to break it to her without her going crazy. Again, I contemplated asking Momma what to do but knew I had to bite the bullet and go for it.
I swallowed hard then got up and opened the door to my office. “T?” I yelled up the stairs.
“What? I'm changing Riley!?”
“Can you come down here for a minute? It's important!” I yelled back, starting to sweat a little.
Wait a minute. Why was I nervous? I hadn't done anything wrong! This was all her shit to explain, I thought, starting to get more angry than scared.
She finally came downstairs with my pretty daughter and I asked her to put Riley in her playpen in the family room so we could yell unencumbered. She finally showed up in my office, looking extraordinarily innocent and pretty in a cute little sundress that showed off her legs. Damn! There I go getting off-topic again.
“What's up?” she asked, standing in the doorway. “I gotta start cooking dinner soon ...”
“Look at this,” I held out the papers I'd been clutching to her and she frowned.
“Is this some article about you? Because I--”
“Just read it,” I sort of snarled at her and she stepped over and took the papers, rolling her eyes and letting out a deep sigh. Slowly her expression changed as she read the article and it turned into one of horror.
“Oh my God,” she said and walked over to collapse in one of the chairs in front of my desk. “Justin? Is this … is this going to be published? What about Riley? Now everyone will know! Justin!” she wailed, tears beginning to spring into her eyes.
“Fuck 'what about Riley',” not meaning that the way it came out. “What about you and Donnie Wahlberg? You're kissing that motherfucker? What's that about? You're making me look like a fucking idiot! Why didn't you mention any of this to me before?” I crossed my arms and sat back, waiting for an explanation which was way overdue, in my opinion.
“But …” she continued scanning the article, obviously overwhelmed. “How did they find out all of this stuff? Where did they get the picture of Riley? And where did they get that old photo of us? This just doesn't make any sense, Justin!”
Obviously she wasn't getting the point here. Getting up, I snatched the pages from her hand and pointed at the picture of her and Donnie kissing. “Fuck that other shit, Tara! What's this? Since when do you kiss other guys? You told me nothing happened between you and him and now this! Do you know what kind of fool this makes me? I've been bending over backwards to try and accommodate your every wish since you've been here. Go out with Sasha? Fine. Go on a fucking tour for two weeks with a group you worshiped sine you were 12? No problem. I'll take care of Riley. I'll make sure everything is okay. Go do you. And this is what I get? And after I specifically asked you if anything happened and you lied. You lied. What do you gotta say about that?”
Sighing, she closed her eyes and prayed for patience, I could see. Well, she'd need to pray for a hell of a lot more before my anger was assuaged.
“Justin … this kiss was nothing! It didn't mean anything at all! We were coming out of a nightclub and Donnie just puckered up for a quick kiss. It was like the kind you give your grandad or something when you're little! It didn't mean anything!”
Snorting, I got up and began to pace around the office, keeping one ear out for Riley. “Was there only ever just one kiss, Tara? For real, tell me now because I will find out one way or another, if I have to call up that motherfucker myself!”
And then I knew the answer to my own question because she jumped up and got all nervous at that. “No! No, Justin, don't call him. It … it wasn't a big deal. We hung out some, there were a … few kisses back and forth but that’s it! Nothing else! Although why I'm explaining myself to you, who has cheated on me like a million times with no explanation, is beyond me. I'm free to do what I want with who ever I want. We're not together and you know it. So why are you grilling me over something so innocent?” She was getting all indignant but that was my job.
I had to know. “Did you fuck him, T? Did you? Tell me now so I can try to wrap my brain around this,” I said, dreading hearing the answer. If it was no, I'd be elated. It meant I still had a chance. If it was yes, it would be like losing her forever. Even if it had been 3 weeks since she had seen him, I still would never be able to get the image of the two of them out of my mind. Him touching and kissing her, her naked in his arms … I shook my head to get the image of them out of my head.
“No!” she exclaimed, standing up to confront me. “No, I did not sleep with him, not even lose. Justin, we had a few kisses. No tongue, even! He sort of came onto me but I shut him down! For you, which is the funniest part of this all. I turned him down for you, because I know how hard you've been trying lately and how much it would hurt you if I did do something like that. And this is how you act? You’re more concerned over whether I kissed Donnie than the fact that our privacy and our daughter’s life are about to be exposed to the world! Where the fuck are your priorities?”
My priorities? “I don't care who knows that Riley is my daughter, T. I told you that from the moment you let me in on the fact that she exists, you were the one who wanted to keep things quiet. Riley is mine and I don't give a fuck who knows it. And as for us, I told you years ago that we would go public with our relationship and you were always the one saying no, that you were too scared about what my fans would do. So don't blame me for some magazine finally coming up with some expose on how I'm being made a fool of by my baby's mother because she's regressed to 1989! I got my priorities straight, girl.”
She threw the papers down to the ground, totally frustrated. Good, that made two of us. “I'm not gonna stand here and argue with you over bullshit, Justin. I--” Just then, Riley let out a loud wail, whether from being left along too long or from hearing us argue like that and the two of us stopped talking immediately and glared at each other for a long moment. Then, turning on her heel, she stomped out of the office and I slammed the door behind her.
Not too loud or it would upset Riley more, but still pretty loud.
Then I went to the fridge and got out a nice bottle of beer. Drank it in one long pull. Opened another. Followed suit. You get the picture.
An hour later and I was rip roaring drunk with visions of Tara and Donnie dancing in my head.
Again, fuck me.
My deceased parents. Mine and Justin's relationship and all the different times it had fallen apart. Britney. They even dragged poor Riley's birth into it, how I had kept it a secret for such a long time. Somebody that we knew very well had to have sold us out … it was just a matter of figuring out who. They knew when we broke up and why and how we were allegedly trying again, which made me look like a ho for fooling around with Donnie. There was even a small blurb of me, Jen and Sasha linked together, talking about how we loved the New Kids.
Sasha was sure gonna love that.
My life just seriously sucks.
Justin, since slamming the door, had been unnervingly quiet. He was always very vocal about his opinion and thoughts with me, never backing away from a fight, but this time was different. As soon as he let me read the article, he turned into this hard, old stranger unlike anything I'd ever seen before. Damn US Weekly! And to think it used to be my favorite magazine. The article was so detailed that some people we know had to be responsible for it. Here are some of the highlights:
“Tara Wallace, 30, the mother of Justin's 18-month-old child, Riley Timberlake, is not new to the pop star's world. Sources close to the duo say that the two met in 1999 and have been off and on ever sine. What is most fascinating is how Tara has flown under the radar this long, considering how high profile JT is. Apparently she's joined Justin on numerous tours and has stayed at his various homes in Florida, Tennessee and Los Angles, most recently spending time up at his home in the Hollywood Hills, rarely leaving except to take young Riley to the park.
The article went on to describe how Justin had his flings (Alyssa Milano, Cameron and of course Britney) but always seemed to come back to me. Then they started to talk about Riley – they even knew about her christening! I was furious but still not as furious as Justin. I wanted to talk to him but I was scared after him seeing the photo of me kissing Donnie. Even though we weren't together, it still seemed unfair.
At long last, though, Riley had eaten and fallen asleep and Justin was still ensconced in his office. I just couldn't stand the tension anymore. I went to his door and stood terrified outside for a few minutes, then I summoned up the nerve to knock and heard him grunt, “Come in, Tara.”
With trepidation, I opened the door and walked in to find him still seated behind his desk with a bottle of tequila, listening to old school Jodeci. The same song was on repeat and it was blaring. He was wasted, I could tell immediately by the way his eyes drooped and if that didn't give it away the smell in the room took care of that. He reeked of alcohol.
“I'm really not in the mood to talk right now,” he said tiredly and I felt even worse.
“But … I need to explain to you about the kiss,” I tried to tell him but he just shook his head. I could see the hurt in his eyes and I walked over to stand in from of him, in between his legs. Reaching out, I gently stroked his curls to console him. Slowly, his arms slid around my waist and he rested his head on my stomach.
“T … I know it sounds crazy … but I never pictured you with another guy. Never. And seeing you kissing him when you won't even hug or touch me … it kills me. I want to touch you so bad that sometimes my arms hurt,” he told me and I felt like shit.
“Justin … I want to hug you and touch you and kiss you but I don't want us to fall back into the same old pattern of things. We need to be friends for awhile before we can try again,” I told him, not sure I believed myself. “And the kiss from Donnie was just a peck. I think he even has a girlfriend now.”
We were quiet for a moment and I took the time to listen to the lyrics of the song he had playing over and over. As the song played his hands got more adventurous , slowly rubbing my hips and lower back.
It's been so long since I've touched a ladyand I'm still waiting for you to come back to menow will you forgive me for the wrong I've doneand let's try again to make it last so long
I'm still waiting for you to come back to loveto fulfill this life we're dreaming ofanother day might be too longgo slow so nothing goes wrong
I can't wait to feel your love againcause you can stop this pain that I've been feelingso let's start all over and put the past behindand make a love to stand through the test of timeI'm still waiting for you to come back to loveto fulfill this life, yeahwe're dreaming ofand these feelings are so very stronganother day might be too longgo slow so nothing goes wrongI just can't take it no more, babythe feel of your warm embrace, babyI'm still waiting on youI'm still waiting for you to come back to love (ohh, yes I am)to fulfill this life (that we're dreaming of)we're dreaming ofso baby, please, don't make me wait, baby, babyanother day might be too long (my arms are open wide)go slow so nothing goes wrong
Wow. The song was deep. While it was playing, Justin sang with it and I closed my eyes, unsure of what to do. I knew what he wanted. He wanted us back together, me back in his bed … things I sort of wanted too. But not on a 100%, full-time basis. Lately I'd been rediscovering the old, fun Tara from college, the one who existed before I met Justin. Don't get me wrong; being a mom was first in my life and I put Riley before everything else. But hanging out some while I let Justin and Riley bond was fun, not to mention the fun flirtation I had going on with Donnie. It made me feel alive again like before all of the hurt and pain that had come into my life.That's how I knew what Justin felt like. During those times he'd hurt me so badly when he cheated on me numerous times, all I'd do is curl up in bed and cry, wishing I could have his arms around me. Wishing we could make love and that everything would wash away. I knew that's what he wanted and, remembering my own pain, I wanted nothing more than to give that to him.And hey, it's not like I'd kick him out of bed either.
So when I felt him begin to kiss my stomach through my dress, I didn't stop him. And when his hands began sliding up and down my legs I didn't stop him. Not that I really wanted to; other than that time in Millington, it'd been a long, long time for me. And my last time before that had been with him too, so somehow it seemed fitting that we were together again. Pretty soon he pulled me down so that I was sitting on his lap while he kissed my neck, something he knew that I loved.
“I listen to this song all the time and think about you,” he murmured into my hair, his hands sliding even further up between my legs, making me gasp a little. What he did with his hands evoked the most delicious sensations that went coursing through me. “What do I gotta do, Tara? What can I do to get you back? Tell me, baby, and I'll do it. Tell me, baby, so we can be a family ...” And then his hand hit just the right spot and I couldn't talk, only cling to him to keep from falling off of his lap while panting hard from lust. The song kept playing, somehow hypnotizing me along with the sound of his voice. Soon, his lips kissed their way up from my neck to find my lips, brushing against them softly until they parted and our tongues began dancing together, slowly wrapped in an entrancing duel. My arms moved up to slip around his neck and I pulled him even closer to me.
“Baby … please ...” was all he said and before I knew it his hands were grasping at the sides of my panties, pulling them down and I couldn't do anything to stop him. There was no way I could say no to him first, because I wanted him as bad as he wanted me and second, because he was so morose, so down that I couldn't say no. Not when there was no real reason not to do it. What would one time hurt, right? What could go wrong?
So I let him move me around so that I was straddling him. I let him unzip his pants and I even reached down to help him, to pull him out and guide him inside of me. When he surged up inside of me it felt so good that I couldn't even talk. I don't know if it was the time he spent thinking about it or what, but everything was just better. He was so hard and he moved so slowly, like he wanted it to last forever, which I think we both did. His head was buried in my hair and my face was buried in his neck and we moved together forever, it seemed, with that damn song playing in the background, just egging us on. At long last he pushed into me and me and I pushed back and we both felt that white-hot heat convulsing through us until we were limp with exhaustion.
And when it was over, his arms tightened around me so that I couldn't move even if I wanted to.
“I love you, T,” he murmured into my hair.
“I love you, too,” I responded. But love had nothing to do with it. I loved Justin with all my heart. But I wasn't ready to return to being the dutiful girlfriend yet. And I didn't know how to tell him that without breaking his heart.
No matter how you looked at it, I was screwed. No pun intended.
12/19/2011 5:12 PM
01/03/2012 12:17 PM
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