What do you do when you have a problem with a friend?

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Dana B	What do you do when you have a problem with a friend?	Lead	[-]
Posts: 2212 (07/03/2009 11:23 PM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	I'm not going to type out my whole friendship history here, but I have an issue with my best friend where basically I just feel like I put waaay more into our friendship than she does, and that she simply doesn't care as much. It's so hard because she is such a great person, she's not a bitch by any means, but I just feel like she doesn't know how to be a good friend. Perhaps I'm overly sensitive, but I don't have this problem with anyone else. I've said something to her about it and she said she'd try more but nothing has really changed and I just feel bad about it a lot of the time. I know some of you will say "ditch her, she's not worth it" like with every friend-trouble post, but that's not an option. She's my best friend in the world and I could never just not be her friend, but at the same time I'm getting tired of feeling like crap all the time about it.
MichaelScottPaperCompany		#1	[-]
Posts: 478 (07/03/2009 11:46 PM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	That's tough, I've felt that way about friends before too. I guess I would try to come up with some specific things that she could do better. Like instead of saying "I wish you were a better friend" or something, maybe ask her to be a better listener, or be more reliable, or whatever it is that she's not doing.
Dana B		#2	[-]
Posts: 2213 (07/03/2009 11:46 PM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	Ahh thanks for answering I thought I was going to get ditched I think I'll try that, I definitely don't want to just be like "be a better friend!", so your idea sounds good. Thanks!
SelFish		#3	[-]
Posts: 8576 (07/03/2009 11:47 PM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	Someone once gave me a very good piece of advice: The person who cares least in a relationship controls it. This can be a friendship, romantic relationship, etc. Here you are trying to figure out a way to mend things, but the bottom line is you can't make her care. If you have already said something about it, try again. But if it doesn't improve, she's not a good best friend. Maybe you distancing yourself from her will make her realize. But it's doubtful that your "talk" with her will make her change.
Dana B		#4	[-]
Posts: 2214 (07/03/2009 11:50 PM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	SelFish wrote: Someone once gave me a very good piece of advice: The person who cares least in a relationship controls it. This can be a friendship, romantic relationship, etc. Here you are trying to figure out a way to mend things, but the bottom line is you can't make her care. If you have already said something about it, try again. But if it doesn't improve, she's not a good best friend. Maybe you distancing yourself from her will make her realize. But it's doubtful that your "talk" with her will make her change. Man that makes so much sense. It's just really hard cause I know she'd be upset if I wasn't her best friend, she just doesn't really know how to show that kind of sentiment consistently. I don't want to be a pushover and let her "control" the relationship though, so it's tough.
MichaelScottPaperCompany		#5	[-]
Posts: 479 (07/03/2009 11:52 PM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	If it's not too long of a story, what exactly is she doing that makes her a bad friend?
SelFish		#6	[-]
Posts: 8579 (07/03/2009 11:52 PM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	Dana how old are you/is she?
Dana B		#7	[-]
Posts: 2215 (07/03/2009 11:58 PM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	MichaelScottPaperCompany wrote: If it's not too long of a story, what exactly is she doing that makes her a bad friend? She's not a bad friend by any means, like she doesn't ditch me or talk shit or make me feel bad on a regular basis or anything like that. I guess she's just not the friend to me that I am to her. And I feel that I'm treated better by friends who aren't my best friend, so it's weird. She rarely asks me to hang out anymore, I always have to ask her. We still have fun, but it's just not the same. I can't really explain it, but I just put a lot more effort into the friendship, I put her first all the time, I'll go out of my way for her, etc., but she doesn't do the same. I know that a huge part of the problem is simply the way I am, that maybe I'm too sensitive. But like I said I don't feel this way toward any of my other friends and it bums me out that this is the person I consider my best friend. And SelFish, I'm 18 and she's 19.
SelFish		#8	[-]
Posts: 8582 (07/04/2009 12:01 AM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	Yea...I had a friend like that as well. It sounds harsh, but you have to stop trying. If she is unknowingly aware that she is like this, it's your job to bring it to her attention. And you're gonna have to pursue it without being accusatory: Like instead of attacking her, you're going to have to say how it makes you feel. Like, "I love spending time with you and we have so much fun together, but it feels like lately you're not in the same place. Is something up?" If she doesn't respond to any of this and feels she has better ways to spend her time, it's gonna be her loss not yours. Good luck.
Word2YAmutha		#9	[-]
Posts: 1056 (07/04/2009 12:04 AM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	i dont understand some people at all. i haven't spoken to my supposed bff in over a month. the only thing ive gotten is a comment on my fb page.
Dana B		#10	[-]
Posts: 2216 (07/04/2009 12:08 AM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	SelFish wrote: Yea...I had a friend like that as well. It sounds harsh, but you have to stop trying. If she is unknowingly aware that she is like this, it's your job to bring it to her attention. And you're gonna have to pursue it without being accusatory: Like instead of attacking her, you're going to have to say how it makes you feel. Like, "I love spending time with you and we have so much fun together, but it feels like lately you're not in the same place. Is something up?" If she doesn't respond to any of this and feels she has better ways to spend her time, it's gonna be her loss not yours. Good luck. Yeah you're probably right. It's weird because she'll feel bad, but she won't really realize what exactly she's doing, so she probably won't change. I guess it's just an issue of our personalities not really blending well. I'm going to have one more big ol talk with her about it, and then see what happens. The last thing I want is for our friendship to end or be weird but I have to have some dignity
MichaelScottPaperCompany		#11	[-]
Posts: 480 (07/04/2009 12:13 AM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	Yeah I agree with SelFish. Her behavior sort of sounds like the classic "my friend got a boyfriend and now we hardly ever hang out anymore" kind of situation. Is she seeing someone new? Or maybe she's just been distracted recently by family/school/something big happening in her life? I would definitely just ask her what's up. And if her behavior doesn't change, then unfortunately there's not much you can do other than just accept that your relationship with her isn't what it used to be. It sounds sad, but if you set lower standards for your friendship, you won't be disappointed anymore. I've had to do that with friends and it sucks, but if she's not acting like a best friend should, then she's just not your best friend anymore. And maybe if you stop holding out hope that she'll change, you can open yourself up to someone else to fill that role. That doesn't mean you stop all contact with her or tell her off, it just means you might slowly have to let her fade. As SelFish pointed out, you can't make someone care
MichaelScottPaperCompany		#12	[-]
Posts: 481 (07/04/2009 12:16 AM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	And I also want to add that I completely understand what you're feeling. She's your best friend and you don't want to just give that up. It's hard, I've been through it before with a friend, and I remember crying to my mom a lot about it. It feels a lot like breaking up with a boyfriend.
Dana B		#13	[-]
Posts: 2217 (07/04/2009 12:17 AM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	MichaelScottPaperCompany wrote: Yeah I agree with SelFish. Her behavior sort of sounds like the classic "my friend got a boyfriend and now we hardly ever hang out anymore" kind of situation. Is she seeing someone new? Or maybe she's just been distracted recently by family/school/something big happening in her life? I would definitely just ask her what's up. And if her behavior doesn't change, then unfortunately there's not much you can do other than just accept that your relationship with her isn't what it used to be. It sounds sad, but if you set lower standards for your friendship, you won't be disappointed anymore. I've had to do that with friends and it sucks, but if she's not acting like a best friend should, then she's just not your best friend anymore. And maybe if you stop holding out hope that she'll change, you can open yourself up to someone else to fill that role. That doesn't mean you stop all contact with her or tell her off, it just means you might slowly have to let her fade. As SelFish pointed out, you can't make someone care She is seeing someone new, but that's recent, and this has been a problem for a while now. It's been made slightly worse by the new dude but I understand that, yet I know it goes deeper than that. When I read what you just said I agreed completely and I know you're right. It's just so hard to actually have to apply this to our friendship. But thanks so much you guys for helping me!
SelFish		#14	[-]
Posts: 8588 (07/04/2009 12:18 AM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	MichaelScottPaperCompany wrote: It sounds sad, but if you set lower standards for your friendship, you won't be disappointed anymore. Exactly. You can't exactly go out and get a new best friend, and I don't think you should just cut her off, but if you know where she stands friendship wise...you won't be disappointed. Like if you're going to the movies, go with other people. Invite her along. But adjust your schedule to meet her needs alone.
adgirlie77		#15	[-]
Posts: 694 (07/04/2009 12:19 AM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	now a days there's no such thing as "true friendship." i've had several good, close friends over the years and we just drifted apart. it sucks.
freebus18		#16	[-]
Posts: 18605 (07/04/2009 12:20 AM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	it may sound childish but if I were you I'd start treating her the way she treats you, and if she has a problem with that then you can explain to her that she has no room to talk. Don't waste your effort on someone who doesn't appreciate it.
SelFish		#17	[-]
Posts: 8589 (07/04/2009 12:21 AM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	adgirlie77 wrote: now a days there's no such thing as "true friendship." i've had several good, close friends over the years and we just drifted apart. it sucks. From my personal experience, younger people are more fickle. I'm 33 and have had the same close circle of friends now for 7 years. Plus my friends from high school, college, but there are very few. It's like sifting something through a colander: Some fall through the holes, some hang on. Those are the ones you want to keep.
Dana B		#18	[-]
Posts: 2218 (07/04/2009 12:27 AM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts Message Friend Block Invite Ignore	SelFish wrote: adgirlie77 wrote: now a days there's no such thing as "true friendship." i've had several good, close friends over the years and we just drifted apart. it sucks. From my personal experience, younger people are more fickle. I'm 33 and have had the same close circle of friends now for 7 years. Plus my friends from high school, college, but there are very few. It's like sifting something through a colander: Some fall through the holes, some hang on. Those are the ones you want to keep. I know I'm young, but she is one of those friends for me. We've been friends for going on 7 years, and we've both sifted our friend colanders along the way I think this is why I try so hard, because she's not like the other friends; I never see myself without her as my best friend. But I guess maybe she can see herself without me as hers, so maybe that's where the problem is

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