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Win Some, Lose Some
Gray walls are nice. I mean, I prefer white over grey, but I guess grey is better than black. At least it's more of a creamy dove grey, and not a gritty stone grey color. Maybe I shouldn't focus on the wall color so much though. I do it all the time in group, and If I paid more attention to what the other girls were talking about, I might be able to communicate better.

But I'm not communicating.

I miss Trace like I haven't seen him in years, even though I see him every morning, and every night when he brings me to and from work. I guess its because lately, he's been rushing, we've barely been talking. I guess he's busy. I don't ask questions. I mean, the whole reason that I came to live at the group home in the first place was because he needed space.

So I'll give him space

I've gone back to sleepless nights again, I'm not used to that place. Sometimes I call Trace. Surprisingly enough he hasn't bitched me out for calling him at three in the morning. Well...there was that one night... He didn't yell at me, but I could tell that he was out of breath....or something. He asked if I needed anything. I guess I was so confused that telling him I was fine was the easiest way out. Then he told me he couldn't really talk....that he was busy...

I've been trying not to think about it.

It's been hard making anything close to a friend. The girls that currently live at the home are a close knit bunch that have been in therapy together for over a year now. I learned quickly that there wasn't really room for an outsider. I tried to make small talk with a couple of them for the first day or so. I tried the basics like, 'Hi, my name is Kerri'. All of them had forced a smile before nodding and walking away. The exception to this was Elisha's friend, Cassidy, who'd sort of nudged me and told me it usually took a week or so for the girls to warm up to somebody new. But I just don't have time to tip toe around people. Of course I didn't tell her that, I didn't want to seem like a bitch so early into this whole thing. But it's true. There is no time. I have too much going on in my head, and at work, to worry about what a few whack jobs think about me.

Again, like I said, I'm not communicating.

It's pissing Susan off. She hasn't said anything to me about it yet, but I can just sense her opinion every time I pass her in the hallway, and during group I can feel her eyes boring into me from across the room. Yeah, I know what we talked about. I know I said I wanted to change. But I didn't...I guess I just didn't think it would be this hard in the beginning. I can't help but think about how much I've been through, how much I've had to endure for so long, and yet I'm still being forced to struggle through more shit. I can't just have an easy day. It's either feeling awkward at the home, in the car with Trace, or at work. Nothing's working, and I dont know how to even begin to change anything.

And yet, despite all of this shit, there's still more.

I'm going home in a month. Not by choice of course. Apparently there's some wedding that Lynn and her family are throwing together for one of Justin's cousins, and my parents being the good Christian folk that they are, agreed to attend. This would have been fine. I would have just bought a gift card or something and sent it along, But of course my father, never relenting on his quest to make me as normal as he possibly can, assured Lynn and her family that I would make an appearance. I have no fucking idea why the woman would even want me around in the first place after what happened the last time we saw each other.

But I guess that's southern hospitality at it's finest.

I'm fucking terrified. Trace hasn't mentioned it yet, but I'm sure he knows about it, and he probably knows that my family is invited too. I'm praying Justin won't be attending. But if I know Lynn, I'm sure half the reason the wedding is taking place in Shelby Forest is to get Justin back home for a few days. It makes me cringe a little, but then again, I probably shouldn't care what Lynn does, or what she makes her son do. All of that...all of the time and effort I put into Justin and his family is a thing of the past. I've actually been trying to come up with a really great excuse to miss the wedding. But I know my dad, and he wouldn't believe any excuse of mine. Hell, I'd have to be bloody from head to toe in his presence to even begin to change his mind.

I'm good at hiding though.

I'll just hide the whole time.

I'm sure nobody will even notice I'm gone.

"Kerri, would you answer the phone!"

"Shit." I jump a little and grab the phone. "Kiss FM." I take a long breath and listen to the hyper voice on the other end of the line. There I go, spacing out at work again. Always a plus, and I especially love the dirty look that Tarin is shooting me from across the room. It's a great way to start my day. I rub my forehead a little as I listen to the hyper girl's request to be in the studio for Usher's interview next week. I have to roll my eyes at this kind of shit. It's not even my department, I'm just the intern. What I'm really supposed to do is forward the call to Tarin. But since she's the all important queen of the radio station, I'm expected to give these people a scripted response and hope they don't call back. It sucks, but I guess it's part of the job too.

It's better than being in the office next door with the other bitchy interns, and I know that. I know how good I have it, and that I didn't even have to ask...Trace just made sure it happened. I mean, Tarin doesn't like me...at all, and fuck I can't stand her either. But we both care about Trace so I guess that's why I'm her little assistant when I really should be in the basement filing paperwork or something.

"Wrap it up," Tarin whispers with a roll of her eyes and motions me to get a move on. "We have to go to the venue."

"Mmhmm," I mumble into the phone, pretending not to hear what Tarin just said. "Okay well, I wrote down your email and we'll send you a confirmation as soon as we know what's going on. Yep...bye." I slam the phone down. "Done." I grunt at her, not being able to stop myself from giving her the once over while she rolls her eyes at me again.

Tarin is a really pretty girl. I've been noticing it more and more ever since I moved out of Trace's house. No hair on her head is ever out of place, and she has one of those picture perfect smiles that you see on colgate commercials. Her skin tone is tan and even, and she has the kind of eyes that get more beautiful when she's angry. I know she's been seeing Trace...a lot. I hear her talking to him on the phone a couple of times a day. She laughs a lot when she talks to him, calls him retarded, and then sometimes she'll whisper things to him that I can't hear and laugh some more. It takes a lot for me to pretend I'm not listening, when I couldn't be more interested in their conversation.

Trace never asks to talk to me after he's done talking to her.

I guess things have really changed between us.

"Honestly, I dont even know why you bother to listen to those kid's sob stories," Tarin snickers and grabs her purse off of her desk. "I'm really picky about who gets into the studio, and they know that."

I tap my pen on the desk and focus hard on the email address I wrote down. Tarin can be really cold some days. Two days ago we had Mariah Carey here, and she didn't let anybody into the listening room. There was one guy out there who'd been waiting for two days to get in, and she just laughed at him. I'd felt really bad. If I could have...if I knew that I wouldn't get fired, I would have just given him a pass myself. I just don't understand why she has to act like she's so much better than other people sometimes, and it makes me wonder how well Trace really knows her. I'd ask him...tell him about some of the shitty things I've seen her do to people, but I know he'd just accuse me of being jealous or some bullshit like that.

He'll have to learn the hard way I guess.

"I dont know why you have to be like that," I say boldly, getting up from my desk and sliding the chair in before meeting her by the open doorway. "I mean, these people listen to the station...they're the reason you have a job."

"They're also annoying and whiney, and unappreciative," she snaps at me, coldly. "You do something for them one time, they always expect you to do them a favor, and I just don't have time to go around giving a thousand people hook ups. It's a business, Kerri. It's time that you learned that."

She walks out the door after that, expecting me to follow behind her like the lackey she thinks I am. I'm so fucking sick of her attitude. It's all I can think about when I'm here, and it distracts me so much that I can't focus on group when I get back home, and it's not like I can talk to Trace about any of this either. It's like I'm really alone. Like everybody I've ever cared about or loved is completely out of my life. It's fucking scary, and I know I can't handle it...so I'm sinking further...fucking drowning in all of this shit.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

We take the elevator down to the parking lot, and get into Tarin's car. She makes sure to stick her ear piece in and dial a number before driving away. Halfway through her conversation I realize that she's speaking with David and I have to roll my eyes. While he's never done anything horrible to me, beside stare at my chest while we've been talking, I just have a bad feeling about him. There's just something that I don't like about that guy, but I cant' put my finger on it. I know I'm not overreacting though. Ever since the incident, I've been a really good judge of character. I can see right through his cheesy ass smiles and forced pleasantries. I tend to avoid him if I can. When he comes into the studio to talk to Tarin, I make it a point to go on a coffee run or find something to fax. I could just be paranoid, or afraid of strange men in general...but I don't know...

Something tells me I need to keep myself distanced from him.

"No, I'll be fine." She steals a slight glance at me. "I have Kerri with me, we'll get it done by tonight."

I look away from her and groan softly. I know what that means. It means I'm in store for another extended day. We have a major event coming up on Saturday so I shouldn't really be surprised but fuck, I'm tired. We've been pulling these shifts for three days straight now, and by the time I get back to the house the most I can do is pass the hell out. I probably shouldn't be complaining. After all, Tarin is organizing this entire event, and the fact that I'm her right hand girl makes me look really good as far as interns go. It could get me noticed...get me involved in bigger things at KISS. Hell, it could start me on the road to a real position, and that's what I'm working toward. Despite the fact that I have mixed feelings about Tarin, I know I have to grin and bear it for now so I can get ahead. I mean, she could have had Amanda do what I'm doing...but I know she's helping me out for Trace's sake. While I sort of feel out of place, that I know didn't earn this position, I won't allow myself to feel bad about it.

Amanda is a fucking bitch anyway.

"They're sound checking today," Tarin tells me a few minutes later, obviously through with her phone call. "So David wants to make sure everything is set up the right way, and all the artists are taken care of. That means we have to hang the banners, check the backstage area, and fulfill the food and drink requests. It's going to be a long day."

I sink lower into my seat, feeling exhausted already. "I figured."

"I can just take you home when we're through, because I dont know what time we're going to be getting out. That way Trace won't have to wait around," she suggests.

That would be great and all. Actually, it would be the first really nice thing Tarin has ever gone out of her way to do for me since we met. But I don't know if I feel comfortable with her driving me back to the group home. Trace didn't tell me whether or not he explained where I was living with Tarin, but I'm assuming she knows something is up. When she sees Trace, I'm sure they go back to his place and I'm sure she's realized that I've been absent. "Well....thanks but..."

"Look, I know we haven't gotten off to the greatest start," she says, before I can completely turn her down. "But you know, you're close with Trace and he and I are seeing each other. I've been thinking, and it's stupid for us to have all this tension between us, Kerri. We should learn how to get along, at least for Trace's sake so he won't have to worry about it so much."

I'm dumbfounded. She's actually thinking of somebody other than herself? But wait...I mean, maybe I don't have the right mindset when it comes to this girl. I haven't made any sort of effort to get to know her, simply because of the fact that she has a thing for Trace. Maybe I need to look a little bit deeper into the situation. Maybe I can now that I'm starting my life over again. "I didn't think you cared," I say quietly. "I...I know I lied to you, Tarin. You shouldn't care." I fold my arms across my chest and look down at my lap. "I know if it were me, I'd be making you walk to the venue."

She laughs a little. "I should have."

I smile slightly. "Yeah, maybe."

"I know you have issues." Her tone turns serious again. "I dont hold anything against you, because I know you're trying to change. And now that you're not living with Trace, I think things are starting to get a lot easier, you know, for everyone involved."

She's unbelievable. Maybe things are easier for her now because I've been cast away and can't interfere with her sexual advances towards Trace, and maybe things are easier for Trace now that he doesn't have to wake up everyday and see his wreck of a best friend traipsing around his apartment. But fuck, things certainly aren't easier for me. If anything, they've only gotten harder. And Tarin doesn't know the first thing about my issues. She's just kissing my ass, because Trace probably asked her to. "Did Trace put you up to this?"

"What?," she scoffs.

"Come on," I groan, with a roll of my eyes. "I know him. This is the kind of crap he does. He's concerned about me, so he asked you to try and be my friend. Really Tarin, you don't have to. I can manage."

"Actually, Trace hasn't really mentioned you," she says, bluntly. "Not since you moved out."

I die a little inside. That's a lie, I know it is. I lied to her so now she's seeking revenge. I don't blame her of course, but she really needs to brush up on this sort of thing. I wonder how much she knows, if Trace told her exactly where I moved to or if he just said I got a place of my own. Knowing that he respects my privacy, I'm sure he just told her the basics. That I moved out for now...and that it's easier for the both of us. At least, I'm praying thats what he told Tarin. "I don't believe that," I say, laughing a little. "And it's not like I don't see him or anything. He brought me to work this morning, why wouldn't he mention me?"

"You know, you really need to wake up and realize that Trace's world doesn't revolve around you." She pulls into the venue parking lot, parks and repositions herself in her seat so she can face me a little bit better. "I mean, he's moving ahead with his life now. He's going to get another job, a good one. He's going to go out with me and his friends on the weekends and have a great fucking time. And I know he's missed doing stuff like that, Kerri. He's told me. And he's just...starting to be happy again. He hasn't really had a reason to talk about you for hours on end. I mean, sorry to bruise your ego or whatever, but I just think you need to know where Trace's mindset is right now. I want us to be friends too, don't get me wrong...but you need to adjust your attitude first and stop thinking that everyone needs to focus on you and only you."

It's like I've been replaced, just like that. I know, I shouldn't listen to anything she has to say. It's too early to tell if I can really trust her, or if she's just another bitch set out to make my life miserable. But I just don't know what to think right now. She's acting like I moved out and now Traces life has completely changed. Fuck, it's only been a few days. How can she just feed me all this crap? I should just call Trace right now and tell him all of this too. But what will that solve? Nothing. It will just piss Tarin off and stress Trace out. And I don't feel like dealing with it. "Thanks," I grunt at her and take my seatbelt off. "I'm glad you think you know him so well, after only spending a week or two with him. Next time I need to know something about my best friend, I'll make sure to ask you first." I open the door, disgusted with this day already. I hope something happens. Like our banners are all ripped or something so I can just go back to the home.

"Why did you tell me that you were dating Trace if you weren't, Kerri?"

I look back over my shoulder, and I know I don't have a good answer. I'm certainly not going to get into the truth with her either. "I don't know."

She rolls her eyes. "And I bet it pisses you off that I'm seeing him."

I shrug. "You don't know anything about me, Tarin, and I'm not about to tell you anymore than you know already. So can we just get to work? The longer we stand around and do this, the later we're going to be here tonight."

"Fine." She says it harshly and gets out of the car. I follow shortly thereafter, and walk around to the back of the car where she's pulling a bunch of stuff out of her trunk. "Well don't just stand there," she grunts. "Grab some of this stuff."

I glare at her, but I do what she's asked without a comment. It's mostly bags and boxes full of posters and banners, and a few of the boxes are pretty heavy. Of course, Tarin makes me carry those while she carries the lighter loads. I know she's doing it on purpose, because she knows my leg is bad, and I feel like screaming at her and telling her how much of a bitch she is. Of course I don't though. Instead, I lag behind while she makes a bee line for the entrance of the venue. I nearly drop a box off the top of the stack as I reach the doorway, but thankfully whoever was holding the door for Tarin, steadies the box before it can do any serious damage. "Thanks!" I yell back as I pass through the doorway.

"Need me to take one of those?"

Seeing as how it's pretty dark in here now, and I can barely see over the top of the stacked boxes in my arms, I should probably accept the offer. But I don't want Tarin to see me, because I don't want her to think I can't do shit by myself. Oh hell...the day is shot anyway. "Sure, thanks."

The top box is quickly removed and I'm so thankful that I can see straight in front of me again. "Thank you...." I begin to smile, but stop immediately when I see who it is that's decided to help me.

"Kerri?"

He stares at me in amazement, like this is some kind of incredible phenomenon. And hell, in a way it is. What are the chances of me running into Cooper here? It's weird, and uncomfortable. A big part of me is ready to take back that box and race for the stage, but I know I can't. For one, that box is really heavy, and well...I don't want to be rude to him no matter how uncomfortable I feel at the moment. "Oh...hey Cooper," I laugh nervously and adjust the box in my arms. "What...um...what are you doing here?"

"I should be asking you that," he laughs. "My dad is catering the event, hence the white uniform."

I didn't even notice, but then again I couldn't really see him that well at first. He's dressed in one of those white cooks uniforms, complete with the black and white checkered pants. All he's missing is a chefs hat, and I nearly crack up at the thought of it, but stop myself. "Oh, I get it now." I raise an eyebrow and smile a little bit. "What happened? Borders wasn't exciting enough for you?"

He lets out a hearty laugh. "Oh it's still exciting, but that's my weekday job. I just took today off to help him set up and stuff. My dad has sort of mandated me to the world of catering on the weekends. It's pretty much safe to say that I have no life. But you know...those bestsellers...they keep my party going."

Why am I laughing like an asshole?

"KERRI!"

Shit.

"Is that your boss?" Cooper flinches a little. "Sorry."

My smile hasn't faded, I don't think I could make it go away if I tried. I hate myself right now, but at least I'm not laughing like an idiot anymore. I don't know what it is. A few minutes ago I was ready to kill Tarin but right now...I couldn't care less about her opinions. Seeing Cooper, although I could slap myself for admitting this, has lit me up inside. I'd nearly forgotten our encounter at Borders, with everything else that's been going on lately. I think he's just what I needed today. He's...he's a nice change of pace. "It's okay," I reassure him. "She's kind of high strung."

"Do you have to go?," he asks, the concern in his voice obvious. "Because I can just catch up with you later on."

I look back over my shoulder, and I can make out Tarin's figure standing by the stage, unrolling a big banner to hang and talking to one of the crew at the same time. Yeah she probably needs me, but she's also managed to severely piss me off and it's only the beginning of the day. She can wait. "I have a few minutes."

He smiles. "Me too."

We both drop the boxes in our arms, and quietly make our way back outside again. He lights up a cigarette, something I never thought I'd see him do and I stare at him for a couple of minutes before he laughs at me.

"I"m a light smoker," he explains, as he takes another drag. "My dad hates it, but I try to be discreet. It takes some of the tension off, you know...when life starts to make you go crazy."

I lean back against the brick building and chuckle a little. "I know the feeling, but I guess cigarettes never appealed to me."

"Right, just alcohol," he laughs. "I hope you didn't let yourself get that drunk after that night. I was worried because I didn't know what strange guy would try to help you the next time, and you know...that could lead to a bad scenario."

I don't like where the conversation has started to go. The mention of alcohol...of that night, reminds me of too many things that just don't make sense anymore. Cooper doesn't mean anything by it, I know that. He doesn't know everything that's happened since then, and really, it's not his place to know. "I've been a little better," I lie. "I don't really party anymore, if that makes you feel better."

"Actually it does," he says, smiling appreciatively at me. "You shouldn't be putting yourself at risk like that."

I look down at the sidewalk. "Yeah."

It's quiet for awhile, and I'm sure that Cooper feels just as awkward as I do about running into each other like this. I still don't know why he's living out here instead of New York either, and I want to ask him, but I don't know if I should. I know how much I hate when people I dont know that well pry into my personal life, and I'm sure Cooper feels the same way.

"You're probably still wondering why I'm here," he speaks up after awhile.

Damn. What is this kid? A mind reader? "Well," I say, finally looking up at him again. "It crossed my mind once or twice. Weren't you pre med at NYU?"

"Close." He throws the cigarette butt on the ground and squashes it with his foot. "Law student."

He seems so genuine. Like he couldn't tell a lie if he tried. But of course I know that's not true. I used to think the same way about Justin too, and well...we all know how that turned out. No, I'm sure Cooper has his flaws. Who doesn't? But I guess his are a lot less intense than the people I know. It's good for him, but bad for me because I'm so psycho it would damage any relationship I could form with this kid. "So what happened?," I ask him. "You knew I was going to ask."

He rubs his eyes a little bit. "Eh, my mom ran off with this guy," he says, rather quickly. "She sort of left my dad on his own to raise my little sisters, and he can't do it on his own. He didnt want me to come back here, he wanted me to stay in New York and finish school, you know...but I couldn't do that to him. He's given me a lot, and I felt like I owed it to him to come back here and help out for a little while. I mean, I'm still taking night courses at UCLA, it's just going to take longer to get all my credits this way. Once I do that though, and get my internship, things will start to level off I think. No more Borders, just evil weekend catering."

He laughs it all off, even though I can tell how hurt he is by what's happened to his family. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that he's had to put his dreams on hold because his mother made a selfish decision. If I could, I'd find her and let her know what she's done to her son's future. Life is just so fucking unfair. It's wrong. I feel like kicking something.

"It's not so bad." He nudges me a little bit, probably being able to sense my mood. "She's been on her way out for years, you know? I guess I just figured she'd want to stick around and make sure the girls graduated high school first." He shrugs. "I guess she just had to do what was best for herself in the end."

"You're a great person for helping your dad," I say. "I hope he realizes how much you're sacrificing."

"He does," he chuckles. "He said he's going to buy me a new car before the summer is up."

"Oh so the Jaguar isn't good enough for you anymore?," I smile.

"Oh that was a lease," he points out. "My dad paid it, but I had to give it back once it was up. He didn't like the buying price. Nice car though. Siobhan and Scott were always making me lend it out to them."

The mention of Siobhan sends pangs of guilt surging through me. I feel a little sick, because Cooper was there that night and he saw what happened. He knows what Justin is really like, and he knows that Trace can be really ignorant sometimes. I still feel horrible about how they treated Cooper, when it wasn't really his fault. He'd only come to say hi to me and see how I was doing. I just...i wish Justin could have been a little more sane then, and I I really wish Trace hadn't been an asshole. "How are they?," I try to make the question sound nonchalant, but I fail miserably. There's too much desperation in my voice, and I know Cooper can sense it.

He draws in a long breath, and meets my gaze. "Engaged."

"Oh." While I'm disappointed that Siobhan didn't call to tell me, I shouldn't really have expected her to either. We're not really on speaking terms anymore. Hell, we're not even friends anymore. "Wow."

"Yeah, the wedding is in November. You should try and go, it's bound to be a good time."

"Oh no," I shake my head and force a smile. "I couldn't do that."

"Come on, she doesn't hate you. It's just...all that stuff happened at the party and then you guys didn't talk after that. I know she got freaked out when you had that car accident, but she didn't know if showing up at the hospital was the right thing to do," he explains. "You know how stubborn she can be too. I know she'd want you at her wedding. It's a big thing for her."

I smile a little, for good measure, but I know the idea of me going to Siobhan's wedding is out of the question...at least for the moment. I have so much going on right now, not to mention the fact that I'm being forced to go back to Tennessee for that fucking wedding. Trying to fix my friendship with Siobhan right now would be too much to take on, and I know that. It's really shitty too, but I can't deny it. I've accepted the fact that I lost a good friend because of stupid things I let happen, and there's no sense in shedding any more tears about the subject. "I'll think about it."

"I'll give her a call and tell her I ran into you," he says brightly. "Don't worry about it."

He tries to give my shoulder a reassuring rub, but I'm not in the mood to be touched and I quickly pull away. "You shouldn't bother," I say quickly. "I have a lot on my plate right now and I can't deal with trying to salvage another friendship."

He frowns for the first time. "But you should try to salvage it. She's been there for you, you know? And you lived together all throughout college. Do you honestly think it's right to let the situation go unresolved?"

He sounds like everybody else does when they talk to me. Like he thinks he knows it all, like I don't have it so bad. It's pissing me off. If he even knew the basic details of the kidnapping...of my fucked up relationship with Justin, he wouldn't be so quick to judge. "I should go," I mutter, and begin to turn away from him. "It was good to see you though. Sorry to hear about your mom. I hope everything works out for you, Cooper."

He's silent as I walk away, but part of me is thankful. Maybe now he'll forget about me, and that's a good thing. It will keep my mind off of how nice he is, and how stupid I am to let an opportunity to be his friend slip through my fingers.

"How about dinner?"

I stop walking. No, no I can't. Say no, Kerri. "I'm pretty booked this week," I call back over my shoulder. "But I have your number."

He steps towards me now, looking like he's fighting some difficult battle with himself. In all honesty it's scaring the hell out of me. I mean okay, I know he likes me. But I just can't help him in that department. I hardly know him, I don't trust him...

More importantly though, I don't trust myself.

"Come on, it's just dinner," he says quietly, when he reaches the spot I'm standing. "Just consider it an opportunity to catch up on what you've missed in New York."

"I don't really care what I've missed," I shrug. "Too much has happened."

"Then...." he trails off, and smiles a little. Then he puts a hand to my cheek and caresses it gently. "Just consider it an opportunity for us to talk."

I sigh. I feel terrible. Any other girl would probably melt right now, because I can't deny the fact that Cooper is well....kind of hot. He's one of those sexy intellectual guys that you'd pass on the street and ask to bang you up against the bookcase in the campus library. He's witty, doesn't hesitate to bring fun into what could seem like a boring conversation to anybody else. Oh yeah, and he has a great smile too. I don't want to push his hand away...but I know the consequences of all this. I could go on this date, really start to like him...and then something will come up, and I'll end up hurting him. I just can't to that to anybody else. "I'd love to..."

"Great, how about tomorrow night?," he says, before I can finish.

"I'd love to but...I just don't think it's a good idea." I push his hand away gently, and look into his soft blue eyes. They seem so hopeful right now, and I know in a moment they're going to turn sad and empty. It's my fault...like always, but I dont know what else I'm supposed to tell him. "There's a lot I'm dealing with right now, Cooper. Stuff that I don't have any right to burden you with."

"Who said you'd be burdening me, Kerri? In case you forgot, I'm dealing with a lot of stuff too, and I don't have anybody to talk to about it. I don't have any other friends out here right now, everybody I grew up with is away at school. It's been fucking depressing as hell, and then...then you show up out of the blue. I thought it was perfect." He lets out a sad laugh. "Now I find out you don't even want anything to do with me. But you know, I guess you have your reasons. So, I'll see you around."

He walks past me, defeated, and I feel like complete shit. Part of me wants to tell him I've changed my mind just so he won't be upset. But I know that's not the right thing to do. I can't force myself to go out to dinner with him when I feel this uncomfortable about it. But he's just so nice, and I don't know why...but he really seems to give a damn about what's happened to me and how I feel. I think that might be one of the biggest reasons I'm afraid to get closer to him. With the exception of Trace, nobody else has seemed to want to help me out in a really long time. Especially a perfect stranger. It just sucks. I'm just a horrible person that can't be thankful for a good opportunity when it comes her way. I lean back against the wall again, and have to suck in a few long breaths to keep myself from crying. Then my cellphone starts to ring. I perk up a little, but frown again because I know I didn't give Cooper this number. I answer reluctantly, and flinch when I hear Tarin's voice come over the line, freaking out because she doesn't know where I am.

"I just stepped outside," I explain.

"You stepped outside!," she barks. "Do you have any idea how much work needs to be done, Kerri?"

"God, I'm coming in right now. Just chill out." I hang up on her and shake my head. Now more than ever, I'd like to call Trace and give him a peace of my mind about his so called girlfriends attitude. But there's just no time. I need to get this work done, I need to make sure I get to group tonight, or else I have a feeling Susan is going to be having a closed door conversation with me. But really, she'd be having that conversation with me anyway because I know I'm in no mood to share my feelings with anybody today.

With a sigh, I go back inside the venue and meet a disgruntled Tarin at the stage. She gives me a box of KISS FM posters and basically tells me to get out of her sight. I try to be strong, and I manage to get away from her without revealing how shitty I feel. I start on the right hand side of the orchestra, and basically wallpaper the area with the posters. The work is thoughtless, and that's very bad because its allowing me to dwell on so many things I've been trying to forget about. I feel the tears gliding down my face shortly after, but I know its dark in here and nobody will notice. Thank god for small miracles.

"Hey you."

I don't know how long it's been. I just know that I'm nearly finished wallpapering the other side of the orchestra wall. My tears have subsided slightly, but I'm still finding myself breaking down every so often. In any case the voice makes me jump, even though it shouldn't. I'd know Trace's voice anywhere. I guess my mind was just in another place. I quickly turn around, and come face to face with my best friend. He has a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a bag of food in the other. Immediately, a feeling of disgust comes over me, and it takes all of my willpower not to walk away from him. "Hey."

"I got you guys some lunch," he smiles and puts the flowers down on a seat behind him. "Tarin said y'all were gonna be late tonight so I figured she'd probably be a slave driver and not let you get a break until the work was done." He laughs a little and pulls a styrofoam container out of the bag. "I went to Nook, hope that's okay."

"Yeah, whatever is fine." I take the container from him and put it down on the floor. "Thanks." I turn back around and continue to hang the poster I was working on, hoping that he'll just leave me alone...go give his damn flowers to his bitchy ass girlfriend.

"Everything's okay with you right?"

"Yeah." I say it quickly, and I don't look back at him.

"I'm...I'm sorry we haven't really been talking," he says softly. "I've just been busy and stuff....you know, trying to get things straightened out."

I really don't care what he's been doing or trying to get straightened out. The point is, he's completely forgetting about me and about everything we've been through together, and it's pissing me off. "It's fine." I throw the masking tape into the box of posters, along with the boxed lunch and lift it into my arms. "But I have to finish this, or your girl is going to wreak havoc on my ass." I start to walk away from him, but stop when I feel him place a hand on my shoulder. I'm actually surprised he's giving me the time of day, considering the fact that Tarin told me he's too busy to deal with me right now. "What, Trace?"

He comes around to the front of me so I can't get away this time, and leans in towards me, an angry expression on his face. "What the fuck is your problem," he says, in a low voice.

"I don't have a problem," I snap. "You two are the ones with the problem."

"Well what the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

I brush past him without another word, hoping that he won't follow me. Of course he does though, and I'm just ready to punch him in the face right now.

"I'm sick of this shit," he barks at me, loud enough for the whole venue to hear. "It's like nothing pleases you. I start to get a life and it's like I shouldn't have bothered because all it does is piss you the hell off, Kerri."

I reach another empty spot on the wall and start to put up another poster. "If my attitude bothers you so much, why don't you tell Tarin to back the hell off, because she's the one who's been making things harder for me." I snap. "Or wait...you probably can't do that huh? I forgot that you're fucking her."

He laughs and shakes his head. "Stupid bitch."

I stare back at him. Did he actually just say that to me? Me of all people? "What?"

"I'm serious," he says, shooting me a dirty look. "You're just...I don't even know, Kerri. But I'm done."

"How much more "done" can you be, Trace?," I chuckle. "I moved out, you never call, and I barely see you. You've been done."

"Done would be if I completely cut you off, stopped being dependable and bringing you to work every day. And honestly, that's what I'm about to do. Because it's obvious you don't respect me anymore. This is just too much."

I act like what he's saying doesn't even phase me, although it's fucking terrifying to think about what I'd have to do if he cut me off all together. It sucks, but I know what a wreck I'd turn into without him. Trace is basically my only friend in the world besides Elisha, and I know...I know I'm treating him like shit right now but I can't help it. Tarin is pissing me off...she's coming between Trace and I and he doesn't even seem to mind. I can't help the way I'm acting. I'm losing this battle...I'm losing Trace. I'm alone. "Go ahead and cut me off," I yell. "That's what you want to do anyway."

He stares back at me, a horrible, angry look in his eyes. He doesn't say anything either. I don't know if he has it In him. Honestly, we've never been in this bad of a fight. He's never called me a bitch or anything like that before. I mean, he says he doesn't know me anymore...but fuck, he hasn't stopped to think that I don't know him either. I'm about to point this out, but then I see Tarin heading towards us. She looks half annoyed, and half amused, and all I want to do is get the hell out of here.

"Don't you need to wallpaper the balcony area, Kerri?" She says, coming up behind Trace and kissing him on his neck. He puts an arm around her, like it doesn't even matter, and pulls her forward so their wonderful new relationship is being thrust right in my face. "I mean, you do need to get home at some point tonight," she grins.

I continue to stare at Trace, waiting for him to say something...but he doesn't. "So that's it," I say, placing my hands on my hips. "All that stuff about you always being there for me doesn't matter anymore?"

He sighs and pulls away from Tarin. "Can you give us a minute babe?"

Oh, so now she's his babe?

Tarin rolls her eyes. "Just don't take too long all right?" She shoots me an angry look. "There's a lot of work to do."

They kiss goodbye and she walks back to wherever it is that she came from. Now I'm left with Trace. Trace who looks like he's so fed up with me, that he'd rather I just disappeared. But hell, if I could do that I wouldn't hesitate. "So you're serious about this whole Tarin thing," I whisper.

"I don't see why you should care what I'm doing, but yeah I am serious. And I'd appreciate it if you left it at that. It's none of your business."

"Oh right," I chuckle. "It's like all of a sudden you're a changed man but I'm still the psycho so I need to butt out of your life. Real nice Trace. I'm glad you've learned how to be a selfish prick in the span of a few days. I was beginning to wonder what was taking you so long to catch up with Justin." I'm nearly crying, but I'm praying that he can't tell since the lighting is so bad in here. Fuck, I don't even know what's come over me. It's like all of a sudden I feel this urge to completely bitch Trace out. Maybe it's because I can't do it to Tarin, or maybe I just have so much aggression built up inside of me that I have to put it all on somebody. And Trace has always taken it in the past, so why wouldn't he take it now?

He shoves his hands in his pockets looks at the floor. "I can't deal with you when you act like this, Kerri. You know, I thought you going to live...elsewhere, was a positive thing. I thought it would make things better...bring us closer. But it's like, now you're more desperate than ever and I just don't get it. I can't help you anymore. I can't continue to clean up your messes or put up with your moods."

"You act like I have no right to feel this way," I defend and it forces him to look at me again. "Do you even remember what happened to me, damn it? Look at me! Look at my leg Trace!" I lift up the left leg of my jeans and reveal the nasty scarring left over by my surgery. It's nothing he hasn't seen before of course, but still...I'm trying to get my point across. "That's what I have to live with...every day! Not to mention the fact that Justin and I will probably never speak again...."

"God! Stop....stop hanging onto shit that doesn't exist anymore, Kerri! You're so fucking pathetic. Just get over him all right? He doesn't care about you anymore, he hasn't in years and when you got into that car accident he had other things on his mind besides you. I was there, I helped you when nobody else cared, and I sacrificed my friendship with Justin for you. Fuck....," he trails off and laughs sadly. "I dont' even know why I did it anymore."

I stand there and stare at him for a few moments, not being able to find my voice for some reason. I mean, he's wrong. I don't hang onto anything. Justin, after all, hurt me...really bad. True, Trace doesn't know. He can't know. But that still doesn't mean I'm holding onto anything. "I'm not....," I croak. "I'm not hanging onto anything."

"Fuck you. You know that's a lie."

I'm crying, but I don't know why. My ears are buzzing a little bit too and I just don't get it. It's like I'm losing my mind. I can't even see straight anymore. My entire world is turning into one big blur that doesn't make any kind of sense. Justin could explain it to me....

Fuck, I'm doing it again.

"Tell me what the fuck I need to do, to make you understand that the past is the past, Kerri. Because I'm sorry, I'm clueless...officially. I'm sick and tired of going around in circles with you, playing this stupid fuckin' game. You've hit rock bottom, all right? Being at that place is supposed to be helping you. And I called up that supervisor lady yesterday and asked about you. Do you know what she said? She said that you dont even talk in group...you just sit there. How the hell is that helping you? You're wasting her time, Kerrigan."

I shrug.

"Well that's fucking great," he snaps. "I mean, who cares who's time you waste as long as you get to sit around and feel sorry for yourself, right?"

"I don't..."

"This is bullshit." He points a finger at me and sends me a stern look. "And I'm done. Don't fuckin call me, don't try to get messages to me through Tarin. You can find a way to and from work on your own, and if you can't it's just tough. Go back to Tennessee and live with your parents, like the little baby that you are Kerri. Because nobody feels sorry for you anymore."

He doesn't wait for me to say anything else, I think he's said and heard his fill. He just walks away and doesn't look back. Then he's gone. I feel desperate now. Scared. I'm alone. I don't even know if I can get to work tomorrow. I'm in Los Angeles. I'm scared to death of just about everything around me, and I'm as mentally unstable as they come. What the hell do I do now? My stomach turns, and I feel like I'm going to be sick. I need to get out, I realize. Fast.

The time it takes for me to get from inside to outside is a total blur. All I know is that I'm sitting on the sidewalk now, rocking myself back and forth, and crying hysterically. I can't stop. My whole world...everything I've worked for up until this point is totally lost. I've hit rock bottom again. Or maybe....maybe I've been here for a long time and just haven't realized it. Trace is right. I'm a total disaster and I deserve to be shut out of peoples lives, including his. But I'm just so scared. It's like I'm sixteen again all alone in Shelby Forest without a friend in the world. My parents are too consumed in their own issues to notice me, and I don't fit in with the other girls...

The only difference is, Justin isn't calling me to make my day a little brighter.

After awhile, I manage to stop crying. I figure I might be able to give Elisha a call, so I can at least get a ride back to the home. I dial and wait, but the call ends up going to voicemail. I let out another defeated sigh, and put my head in my hands. It's so pathetic, but I'm even too scared to call a taxi. That fucking Saturday Morning dream gave me too many gruesome visions of Nathan being the cab driver with a gun in his hand. I can't trust it. I'll probably have to just sit here all night...

I can't believe Trace would turn his back on me.

But then again, he turned his back on Justin too.

A horn beeps a couple of times, and I look up. Of course it's Cooper. Of course. He's driving a big with van with the words "Ellisons Catering" written on the side of it. He's staring at me, like part of him wants to drive away. Honestly I wouldn't blame him. I gave him the cold shoulder, and I don't want to involve him in my problems anyway.

"Why are you sitting out here crying, girl?"

I look down at the ground and shrug.

"Get in, come on," he says, a little reluctantly. "I'll take you home."

I try to tune out his offer. It would be so wrong of me to take it right now, because I wanted to get away from him so badly before. I guess I use people. That's got to be it. Hell, that's what Trace thinks. And he's almost never wrong, so it must be true. "I shouldn't," I tell him.

Cooper sighs and narrows his eyes at me. "Just get in, Kerri."

"I don't understand why you're so upset." I hear a female voice say. "You did the best you could do, Trace."

I know it's Trace and Tarin. The last thing I want to do is get caught in another confrontation with the two of them, so I quickly get up and run around to the other side of Coopers van and get in. I don't say anything, just fasten my seatbelt and rub my eyes a little bit. "Thanks."

"Are you going to be okay?"

I shake my head. "No. But if you can just take me home, it would be nice."

He nods, but doesn't press me further. He just drives, and I'm so thankful right now. The silence is wonderful, and I close my eyes and try to relax.

"Kerri."

"Hmm."

"I know you need kind of a break from reality right now and everything," Cooper speaks up. "But...where am I supposed to be taking you anyway?"

I open my eyes and look at him again. His gaze is tense, fixated on the road ahead. I can tell he's nervous, being with me in the car. But it's making me calmer than he'll ever know. "Oh sorry," I say quietly. "It's up on Jones Boulevard. You know, there's alot of doctors offices around there."

"Oh, yeah," he nods. "I know that place. What are you renting an upstairs room at one of those offices or something?"

"Not exactly."

He shoots me a confused glance. "What's, not exactly?"

I sigh. I really didn't want to have to tell Cooper where I"m living and why I'm living there. How Trace decided it would "be better" if I got out on my own. How it's turned into him not wanting anything to do with me. How I've pretty much lost everybody and everything thats meant something to me, and I have no way to fix it because I'm just...a fucking idiot. "I dunno." I say it quickly, and then the sobs come. It's so embarrassing and I hate myself for not being able to get a grip. But I just can't help it. From Tarin treating me like shit, to Trace disowning me in the span of a morning, I've officially lost the capability to hide my feelings.

"Hey....um...hey I'm sorry." I hear Cooper say after awhile. "I didn't mean to make you upset or anything...."

It's hard but I force myself to get it together. There will be plenty of time to sulk in my bedroom back at Susan's, and I know that. I wipe my eyes and sniffle a little bit before looking over at him. "It's not a big deal," I whisper. "Sometimes I lose it, that's all."

"I think you lose it more than just sometimes," he says, knowingly. "And you know, sometimes I do too. I think everybody loses it once or twice a week. That's just life. But you gotta just move ahead and try not to think about things so much."

I could say a lot of things to him. I could point out the fact that I had a gun to my head a few months back and its really hard to not think about it. But I have no reason to be a bitch to Cooper at this point. He's gone out of his way for me more than once today and I think maybe... I owe it to him to stop being a bitch and open up a little. He's getting some points for not turning his back...not making anything we're talking about an argument. Actually, he's the first person I've been around in awhile that hasn't been confrontational about what I've gone through. Granted he doesn't know much...just what Siobhan told him. But still, that's enough to assume things about what happened to me. "It's hard for me," I finally say, surprisingly being able to look him in the eyes.

"Do you ever talk about it?"

"I..." I chew the bottom of my lip for awhile. I should lie, but something tells me he's really good at seeing past my bullshit. Maybe I should just talk to him. He's nice, he's not the type to fly off the handle, and for whatever reason he seems to be really into me. "I don't," I confess. "Not anymore at least. I used to talk about it with Justin a lot but..." I trail off and look down at my lap. I can't say anymore. I can't talk about Justin right now, not here. I mean, what the hell am I thinking of?

"But?"

"But I don't talk to Justin anymore." The words slip off my tongue before I have the chance to stop myself. Great. Now I did it. Now I opened up an entire new can of worms that I have no desire to deal with.

"Well, if it constitutes for anything I don't really blame you," he laughs. "If you ask me, the guy is a pretty big asshole."

I'm glad he's not really pressing me with questions as to why we don't talk anymore, because I know I could crack right now and tell him everything that happened when I went to get my stuff out of his house that night. And I can't let myself do that. At the same time though, he's basing his opinions of Justin on what he's seen. And I'll admit, he's seen and heard Justin do and say a lot of asinine things. But that shouldn't make him jump to conclusions about the type of person Justin really is. "He's just been through a lot."

"And you haven't? Kerri, I don't know you that well or anything, but I think your priorities are a little backwards. You need to focus on yourself to get past all of this, and it doesn't seem like you are. If you and Justin don't talk, that's his loss and it's in the past now. There's no reason why you should be sitting here miserable, not taking control of your life."

He's making it sound so easy. Like he can drop me off, I can go sit in group and talk about everything and my life will just be this big wonderful thing. I could talk to my parents again. I could be the friend Trace needs me to be, and I could reconcile my differences with Siobhan and get the job I've always wanted in New York. I wish things could be that easy. I wish I could sleep nights... I wish the nightmares would stop.

I wish I could be a little bit stronger for once in my life.

"It's not that easy, Cooper," I say softly.

"My mom is gone," he points out. "Hell, we dont even know where she is right now. I could be sitting at home sulking half the time because of that, but I'm not. I'm out here living my life and doing what I need to do to make sure my future is secure. There's no reason why you can't pick up where you left off and do the same thing."

His tone is so intense. It's like he's known me for years and he just wants to see me happy. Kind of like Trace used to be before all this shit fucked up our friendship. Cooper sort of reminds me of that version of Trace in a very small way, and it gets me to smile a little bit. The fact that he could care this much, means more to me than he'll ever know. "You think so?"

"You're strong willed, like me," he says, with a smirk. "I just think some stuff happened, and you've been focusing too much on how other people feel, and not how you feel. I think once you face your issues, things will start to seem a lot clearer. You'll be able to get to know yourself all over again. And once you do that, everything else will come along with it."

"You minored in psych didn't you."

His face turns a light shade of pink. "How'd you guess?"

I'm grinning now, a far cry from the mess I was just minutes ago. It's amazing how my little chats with Cooper can make me so upbeat. It's no wonder he studied psychology, he's really great at talking to people and getting them to calm down. He has no temper either, and for somebody like me thats definitely a bonus. "I'm sorry about earlier. I just...get scared of opening up to people. I tend to hurt them."

"You're not going to hurt me," he reassures me. "I'm not like your other friends. I just want to get to know you better, and hopefully become somebody you can talk to. It would be great to have a friend out here."

I smile a little, not really sure what to say to him at this point. He's nice, and yeah it would be really great to have somebody else to talk to now that Trace has pretty much disowned me. But I just don't know. I can't trust him, I can't trust myself....

"This road right?"

"Huh?" I snap out of it in time to see Cooper turn onto the familiar road leading up to the home. "Oh, yeah.." I nod. "This is it."

He drives a little further until I tell him to stop in front of the home, and I swallow hard when I see two of the girls sitting on the steps smoking cigarettes. I doubt Cooper understands what this is all about, and when I look over at him to thank him for the ride I find that I'm right. He's looking over me out the passenger side window, staring at the house, seemingly more confused than ever. I don't blame him...i can't...

But I can't explain myself either.

"This is where you're staying?," he whispers.

"Yeah," I take my seatbelt off and open the door. "Thanks for not...you know, leaving me at the venue."

"You're okay here?"

His voice is filled with so much concern that I'm forced to sink back into the seat and look at him again. I wish I could tell him the truth. That no, I'm not okay. That I miss Trace and I miss what my life used to be like before this whole thing happened to me. That I miss Justin like crazy even though I shouldn't. That I'm a fucking unrecoverable mess. But I can't do it, and really right now...I have no idea why. Maybe its because I'm so used to burying my feelings inside, that it's become a natural reflex. One that I can't stop. "I"m okay,"I say, trying to sound believable.

"That sign over there says this is a group home," he informs me, seriously. "Kerri..."

"It's not forever." I force a smile. "Trace and I just needed space, and so...I"m staying here for awhile, that's all."

He's silent for a moment, seemingly trying to understand what I've just told him. But when he shakes his head, I know he's aggravated, even though it shouldn't really matter to him. "So you were living with Trace?"

I nod.

"Wait a sec." He laughs a little and sits back, slapping a hand on the steering wheel in frustration. "He kicked you out?"

I sigh. "He didn't kick me out....," I try to explain.

"So you wanted to come here?"

"Well no but..."
"So he kicked you out then," he repeats.

"You're not listening to me!," I holler, and it gets him to shut up for the moment. I"m almost glad, but when I can still see the concern in his eyes the moment is short lived. "Cooper, we just...a lot of things happened," I whisper. "A friend of ours knew what was going on at the house and told us about this place. It just seemed like the best option." I rub my face with my hands a little, trying not to cry. "I mean...it's better that I'm not living with him anymore."

He shakes his head sadly. "Better for who? Trace?"

I just stare at him. I can't say anything because...well, I've been starting to think that way. That me living here benefits Trace, and doesn't really benefit me at all because I'm so fucking scared of talking to anybody. Actually after today, I'm more positive than ever that it's the truth, and that makes me so upset that I can hardly hold back my tears anymore. "I dunno." I say quickly. "I gotta go."

"Meet me later in the week for dinner," he asks me, gently. "Come on."

I sigh. I just want to leave, but its obvious that Cooper isn't going to give up until I agree with him. I can't tell him how hard it is for me to go out in public without looking over my shoulder, because I'm too fucking weak. Instead, I just shrug. "I"ll think about it."

He reaches out and cups my face in his hand. I should pull back, but it feels so nice...so warm, that I allow him to do it. "Please," he smiles softly. "I swear, if my breath smells or if I act like a big jerk, you'll never hear from me again."

I laugh through my newly formed tears, not being able to help myself. He's the most reassuring thing that's come to me in a long time, and the best part is...he doesn't take no for an answer. "You're not going to let me say no," I chuckle and sniff a little. "Right?"

"Sorry," he smiles. "That word isn't really in my vocabulary."

I think about the idea of dinner for a second more, and finally nod and tell him I'll go. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? He's responsible. He's not going to get drunk and try to drive me home, or treat me like I'm a mental case. Actually, we'll probably talk, get to know each other, and laugh a little. Then it hits me that he'll probably try to flirt with me. That scares me, but...I know he's not out to push me into anything. Yeah, it'll be good for me...a new face. Trace won't be around to talk me out of it either. Hell, maybe this is just what I need. It'll be like an escape from reality.

I just hope I can handle that.

"So Friday night?," he says to me as I start to get out of the car again. "I know the radio event is Saturday so I won't keep you out late, I swear."
He flashes me that bright smile of his that I like so much, and I feel my face begin to turn red. "Yeah," I say, climbing out of the car and closing the door behind me. "If I still have a job anyway."

He shrugs. "Well if you don't, it gives me an excuse to hold you hostage."

I don't laugh, I can't. I just...freeze. "Yeah."

"Shit." He puts a hand over his face. "I'm an asshole...I....I didn't...I mean, I'm sorry."

I feel stupid for letting something so mediocre get to me, but it is. This is why I live in a group home, because I can't handle simple slip ups like this one. It would seem harmless to anybody else, but I have chills running up and down my spine because of it. "It's okay." I manage to say quickly. "I"ll just see you Friday around seven okay?"

He lets out a long breath. "I'm really sorry."

"Let's just forget it," I say, managing a small smile. "I'll see you Friday. Thanks for the ride, Cooper."

"Right." He puts the car into gear, and I can tell he feels like an idiot for mentioning the word hostage around me. "Friday. I'll see you, Ker."

I wave as he drives away, and let out a long breath that I think I've been holding in since I got into Coopers car. I try not to think about the morning as I make my way up the driveway. I don't want to think about anything. I just want to lie in bed and try to get over the fact hat I have no idea what I'm supposed to do about work, if I should even bother going back tomorrow after the stunt I pulled today. I mean, it's really late for them to find a replacement for me, and I know they'd let me work the event regardless. But do I really want to put myself through this? Do I want to deal with Tarin? Do I want to chance running into Trace?

I just can't handle anymore stress right now.

I rush past the girls sitting on the steps, ignoring their cold glares, not caring what they may or may not be thinking about me. There's no time for that right now. I just need to go into my room, get into my bed and try to forget about work...about the horrible things Trace said to me...that I've lost him.

Fuck.

"Kerri."

Susan has opened the door, obviously on her way out. I groan inwardly. She's the last person I want to deal with right now. I"m confused enough as it is without being analyzed. I just need a day to myself...just to think. "Hi."

"Shouldn't you be working?"

I guess I'm not going to win today. "I...don't feel so well," I lie. "A friend brought me home....I figured I'd just go to bed."

She studies me for a few moments. I'm sure she knows I'm full of shit but I'm praying she'll decide to just leave me alone. "Sit." She says it seriously as she motions at the porch swing.

"Oh..." I glance at it and sigh. "I don't think it's a good idea."

"Kerri." She narrows her eyes at me like my father does when he's angry at me. "Sit."

I do it without another word, and fumble with the bottom of my shirt nervously. She seems really angry, and I have yet to experience Susan in a bad mood. I wonder if she's a yeller? God...I know I can't deal with that right now. I'll flip out at her, and then she'll kick me out. "Susan look," I say quickly, when she sits down next to me. "I've had a really rough morning and I don't think now is a good time."

"When you talk you should look at the person in the eye," she reminds me, like some kind of school teacher. "That way, you'll be able to get your point across better."

I don't look at her. "I'm not doing this right now." I push myself up from the swing and start away from her, the tears flowing freely down my cheeks now.

"You're wasting my time," she says gently but firmly as my hand makes contact with the door knob. "I just wanted to tell you Kerri. I can't have you here if all you're going to do is hide in your room and go to work. This isn't a hotel. When you came here you told me you wanted my help, and so far you've barely looked me in the eye. I think I deserve an explanation."

I turn to her, and immediately all the anger, hate and sadness that has built up inside of me over the past week comes bursting out of me like a big wave. "What the fuck do you want from me!," I scream at her. "My life sucks! Everybody hates me! Why can't you just leave me alone? I just want to be left alone!" My back hits the door and I slide down to the floor, crying like an asshole again. I hate this. I hate everything and everyone. I hate this place, I hate these people.

I hate that Justin doesn't love me anymore.

"What happened today?"

Her voice is close, right next to me now and I can feel the heat of her body next to mine. She's sitting beside me I guess, but I still don't look up to see just how close she is. "Trace hates me," I sob into my hands. "And he was the last one that cared."

"Why?"

"Because I'm selfish," I sob. "And I only care about my own problems."

"You focus on them too much."

Her hand is on my back a moment later, rubbing it gently...like she knows I need this. I hate it. I wish I could throw her into the wall, just...take out everything on her, like Justin did to me. But that's not how I am. I'm not strong enough, I'm not that much of a psycho. All I can do is cry, feel sorry for myself, and yell at people. "I can't help it," I say. "It was fucking terrible."

"So tell me," I hear her whisper. "Just do it. There's no reason for you to do this anymore, Kerri. It's ridiculous. It's holding up your life and it's not fair to you. Your friend is probably mad at you because you're not helping yourself."

"That's not why," I say, letting out a sad chuckle. "There's more to it than that."

"I think most of it, is because of this."

I look up at her, like she has a hell of a nerve analyzing Trace. But her intense stare doesn't waver. I'm sure she knows exactly what I'm thinking. Hell, she probably has all along. And maybe I should just stop hiding everything. Maybe its time I talked about what I've been through. I just...i just hate remembering. "I hate remembering," I blurt out. "Everything comes back to me like it just happened."

She nods, and seems to understand. "But its the only way to get past it, Kerri."

I wipe my eyes hard and force myself to stop crying, to pull myself together. I think about everything thats happened. How in the beginning I didn't think I would have to worry because Justin had been through it too and seen how bad it was. I always thought I'd be able to run to him when there was a problem. But then I lost him, and now Trace is gone too. "It's just surreal," I say. "It happened too fast, and I couldn't control it. I've..." I pause and look her directly in the eye. "I always swore I'd be able to control things."

"You can't control everything. If you could, the world would be a perfect place."

I bite my bottom lip. "I couldn't stop what happened to us."

She shakes her head. "How could you?"

I shrug. Honestly, I've never really thought about that before...how I could have stopped what happened to us, or what Shane did to Justin. I guess I've always felt I could have fought harder, or fought back when Shane dragged me out to the shed. There was a gun of course, and I know that. I know he probably would have shot me in the head if I'd ran or tried to hit him, he even told me so. I don't now though. I guess I've felt that what happened to Justin was too horrible...that somehow, I should have been able to prevent it.

"That man that took us...his name was Shane," I say, my voice cracking as I whisper the words. "He held my friend down..." I shake my head and run my hands through my hair, before managing to look at her again. "He raped him, Susan. I should have done something...but, but I couldn't." I squeeze my eyes closed, and try to fight it all off, because I'm remembering it now. How it smelled, how dark it was...how hard Justin cried when he got my handcuffs apart. How I held him...just held him. "I couldn't help him," I whimper. "I couldn't help him, but he'd always tried to help me. He let Shane do that horrible thing to him, so he wouldn't kill me. I...I guess thats why I tried to be so perfect after we were safe. It didn't work though." I hang my head low, remembering another gruesome memory...the presence of Justin's dark figure looming above me, his hand raised. "I turned him into a monster."

"Kerri."

I look at her, half expecting her to ramble off some magnificent spout of wisdom that will supposedly enrich my life. But...she doesn't. She just stares at me, and I don't know what to make of it. "I made him so angry," I laugh, and I know I sound like a lunatic. I guess it doesn't matter though, because thats what this place is for...crazy people like me. "And he hit me and beat me up so bad, but I just...i walked away from it. It rained hard that night and I was crying...then I wound up in a car wreck. I...I never said anything." I look up at her wide eyed, realizing how much I've just let off my chest. Funny, I feel sort of light headed now. Or maybe I just feel like I'm supposed to...normal. More normal than I've felt since that day in the bakery parking lot back in Tennessee. "You won't say anything will you?," I say, cautiously.

She puts an arm around me then, and kisses the top of my forehead like Lynn used to before she hated me. It feels good, reassuring...hell, even safe. I feel safe here for the first time. It's so weird, but so great at the same time. "I promise," she whispers. "I'm so proud of you, Kerri. Even if you couldn't say in group what you just said to me, it's a big step."

"I've never told anybody half of that stuff. Only Justin knows..." My eyes get wide again.

But she just nods.

And I know it's just us, no girls, no nosy bosses named Tarin. No Trace's to tell me I'm not worth being friends with anymore. It's just us. And for some reason I'm okay with that. It's like she's been through it too, even though I have no idea what she's gone through. It's like we're in our own little world here, where nobody can know what goes on. "Thank you." I whisper, and lean my head into her chest. "Thank you, Susan."

The silence that follows is the best thing I've heard all day.
*****************
I woke up on the bathroom floor this morning. My mouth had tasted sour and when I'd finally managed to sit up my head had begun to pound like somebody had just beat the crap out of me. Funny, I couldn't remember what my first drink had been the night before, or which one had completely put me over the edge. All I knew was that I'd been a drunken mess by midnight, and Tarin had been egging me on to drink more along with the group of friends that had gone out with us. I thought I may have fucked her before I started puking in the bathroom, but I couldn't be too sure. She left early this morning for work too so it's not like I could have asked her. In any case I feel like a complete asshole either way. It's been forever since I've gotten that wasted...

And I know I only did it for one reason.

Despite the fact that I screamed at her, that I told her I was done with her...that she could pretty much fall off the face of the planet and it wouldn't phase me, I still feel horrible about it all. I mean fuck, thats Kerri. I've been there for her through everything, and managed to keep somewhat of a level head. Sure, things sort of started to fall apart recently and all, but was turning my back on her really the right decision to make? When I didn't get up to bring her to work this morning, was it sending her the right message? Was it really "teaching her a lesson" so to speak? I just don't fucking know. I do know that it's taken every ounce of strength inside of me to keep myself from picking up the phone to see if she's okay. It's why I got drunk last night. Tarin told me everything would be fine, that Kerri is more trouble than she's worth and I need to focus on making myself happy. That should make me feel great too...I mean any other time I'd be really happy that Tarin was supporting my decision.

But she doesn't know about the things that Kerri has endured or the things she's seen.

And she doesn't know that Justin was brutally raped by some sick fucking asshole, either.

On the other hand, I just can't take it anymore. Kerri's attitude has only seemed to get worse since she moved out, and it seems to be because I've started seeing Tarin. I just don't understand, because she really seemed to want me to be happy for awhile there. Maybe it's because we fooled around that time, but I don't know. We both realized that being physical wasn't healthy for either of us...too much shit had happened already. So then why does it bother her so much that I've moved on? I guess maybe she was scared that I didn't care about her so much anymore, but fuck she knows better than that. Or at least, I thought she did.

Okay, there was that one night she called me and I pretty much blew her off. But what was I supposed to do? It was one o'clock in the morning, and I was in the middle of having sex with Tarin. Stopping all of that to talk to Kerri on the phone wouldn't have just been fucked up from Tarins perspective...but hell, I was in the moment. Kerri was lucky I could even remember her name, let alone keep a straight tone over the phone. I know I could have talked to her about it in the morning when I'd driven her to work, but I just wasn't in the mood then. That probably makes me a jerk too, and I know that. But damn it, Tarin is my girl and if I'm sleeping with her I don't see why I need to explain myself to Kerri. That's the thing that made me lose it yesterday I think. It was like she expected an explanation out of me. Like she wanted me to say 'oh it's not that serious, I'm just going to sleep with her until I get bored.' It pissed me off. And then to top things off she starts talking about how Justin doesn't talk to her anymore. Honestly, what the fuck did that have to do with anything? Justin had nothing to do with our conversation at all.

Even though I've decided to give it a go and try to work things out with Justin, I pushed her away anyway. I guess it really pissed me off that she was still concerned about his feelings for her after how badly he treated her when they were on speaking terms. My feelings towards Justin are a lot different that Kerri's are, and she's so fucked up she can't realize that he probably hasn't thought about her since they broke up anyway. Part of me regrets what I did. But mostly, I feel a little bit better knowing I don't have to worry about her so much...at least for now. She's in a good place, at that home where people can help her. And I just...I just need to get myself back together, all the way. I owe it to myself. And now that Tarin is in my life again, I think I owe it to her too.

We've only really been dating for two weeks now. But hell, it feels like we'd never broken up in the first place. Am I falling too hard too fast? Maybe. Do I care? Fuck no. She's great. I mean, really great. After Kerri was out of the house, and Tarin would start coming over, I remembered all the shit that used to drive me crazy about her back when we'd originally dated; her smile, her laugh, the crazy stories she'd tell me about her family, her friends, and her career. It was refreshing to hear funny shit coming from somebody for a change. There's no drama with Tarin, I know it, and I'm going with it, until I have a reason not to. She makes me happy, the happiest I've been in awhile and that's good...it's healthy.

Especially because I have to do a lot of difficult shit in the coming weeks, and I need something in my life to ease the tension.

I got a wedding invitation in the mail the other day. At first I was confused, because normally when there's a wedding going on I find out about it way in advance so I can plan for it. When I opened it though, I figured out just why it was that my mom hadn't mentioned anything to me. Justin's cousin is getting married next month in Tennessee, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely uncomfortable going back home. A family wedding means..well..just that, family. And in our family, when somebody is getting married, I think every long lost relative in the Ayala and Timberlake family crawls out of the woodwork. It's horrible to say it too, but I know 99 percent of the time it's because everybody and their granny wants to see Justin. It used to irk us alot when we were younger and Justin was getting really famous. Everybody would flock down home for birthdays, holidays...shit like that. Even his dad would show up, and in the beginning it was fucking weird as hell because he'd never really paid much attention to Justin after he'd married his second wife. We went with it though. All we really had to do was hide around back and not tell anybody where we were going.

That's how me Justin and Kerri spent the bulk of our family get togethers: smoking weed in the woods behind Lynn's house, not caring what anybody else thought. I remember being grateful for moments like that when Justin had been caught up in so much hysteria. It gave us a sense of reality, and it gave Kerri a chance to see us the way she knew us...instead of caught up in some crazy spotlight.

It's sad to think things will never be like that again.

I've been meaning to ask somebody whether or not Kerri is supposed to go to this thing. I'd ask Lynn but seeing as how she basically told me not to talk about her the last time, I don't think it's a good idea. I guess the best thing I can do is ask Kerri about it when things have calmed down a little bit, even though I have no idea what I'll say to her. If she's going its probably because her parents are making her, and I'm sure she wants even less to do with the whole thing than I do. To make things worse, I have the feeling that Lynn is forcing Justin to go home for this as well. If they ran into each other, I know things could get really ugly really fast, and so...once again, I feel like I have to keep my guard up...be the mediator or something. It's stupid and it sucks but I feel like if I don't do it, somebody's wedding will be unnecessarily ruined.

I guess that's partly why I'm here today.

It's ridiculous that I'm shaking right now. I've known Justin my entire life, and we've done everything together. I've told him my deepest secrets, and we've cried together. There's not a reason in the world I should be nervous, but yet...i feel like I'm going to puke. I guess it's because the last time I saw Justin I told him I never wanted to see him again. I regret it now, but back then I was so disgusted with him I didn't really care what I said. I've been stubborn for a long time too, I know that. It's really because of Lynn that I finally pulled my head out of my ass. I mean, what was I thinking anyway? Justin's like my brother...it's stupid that I've shut him out for this long, and it's time we talked again. We're both grown adults, and it's horrible to say but...now that Kerri is out of the picture I think we'll be able to think a little bit clearer too.

Fuck, I'm a terrible person.

I pull the key out of my pocket, chuckling a little bit when I put it in the lock and it opens the door. Despite how paranoid he is, he still didn't change the locks on me, and I know he probably didn't with the hopes that I'd come back over to talk. I take a few steps into the house, and knock on the door a little before closing it behind me. It's quiet, but then again it's only ten in the morning. Knowing Justin, he's probably still asleep. But that's not who I'm really worried about running into anyway.

It's that Melanie girl I'm concerned about.

I still don't know how I feel about her being here. She didn't really hit me the right way the day we had lunch with Lynn, until she followed me out to the car. She seemed a lot more genuine then, because I guess she saw something in me that she hadn't allowed herself to before. I think she may have realized that I cared about Justin a lot....but I was just being stubborn as always. In any case, it's made me wonder about her a lot...about how she is with Justin. If he's been doing okay with her around instead of me.

"Hello?" I call out.

No answer.

Figuring he's asleep and she's running another infamous errand, I take a seat on the familiar sectional leather sofa in Justin's living room and turn the TV on. It's so weird, it's like I never even left the house. Everything is still the same as it always was, right down to the placement of the old magazines strewn across the coffee table and the familiar scent of Justin's favorite Yankee Candle filling the air. I feel more at home than I've felt in months, like I could just grab a beer from the fridge(even though I know it's not there) and fall asleep in front of the TV.

"What the fuck!"

I gasp and jump up from the couch, whirling around to come face to face with none other than Melanie herself. She looks terrified, and I'm sure I'm the last person she expected to find chilling out on Justin's sofa. I really should apologize and explain myself, but considering I'm pretty sure I got laid last night, and that she looks like she's been scrubbing out a toilet all morning, I'll be a little cocky instead. "Hey Mel," I chuckle. "Looking good I see."

"How the did you get in here?" She demands, slapping the rag in her hand at her side. "You gave me a damn heart attack!"

"Calm down, would you?" I sit back down on the couch again and resume channel surfing before continuing on. "You honestly thought I didn't have a key?"

"You honestly thought it was okay to just come waltzing into the house unannounced?" She storms around the sofa and stands in front of the television, so I'm forced to pay attention. "What the hell, Trace?

I shrug. "I have a right to be here, Melanie. You don't have to act like it's the worst thing in the world." One thing I can already tell about this girl is she overreacts way too much. Being through what I've been through with Justin, I know that she probably has her reasons for being this way but fuck...it's really annoying. "I mean, yeah, next time I'll call if it will make you feel better...."

"It will," she interrupts me with a roll of her eyes. "I mean, thats what most civilized people do anyway."

Bickering with her is going to get me nowhere, and I've been entirely too stressed out as it is this week without making it worse. So I'll just get to the point, like I should have done from the beginning. "I'm here to see Justin," I tell her, seriously.

"Well, does he know that you're coming?," she scoffs. "Because I don't need to give him the same heart attack that you just gave me."

"Look, I shouldn't have to ask your permission to be here, and you know...you do work for Lynn," I point out. "So if you could just get him for me...."

"Mel, what's going on?"

I guess I don't need to argue with her anymore after all. Justin is on the stairs now, with nothing but a towel around his waist. I can tell he just got out of the shower, and honestly I'm kind of shocked he'd come downstairs so scantily clad in front of the girl. It makes my mind swim with a thousand questions that I'm scared of getting the answer to, so I just stand up and make my presence known before Melanie can talk me down, or tell Justin to go upstairs until she 'handles' things. "Hey, Justin." I shove my hands in my pockets, and lick my lips nervously, not knowing what's about to happen and partially too scared to find out.

He just stares at me.

"He...he let himself in." Melanie stumbles with her words, like Justin is her master or something and she's broken the rules. "I'm sorry, Justin. I...I didn't know, or I would have told you."

"Well that's Trace," Justin speaks up softly after a moment. "Just does whatever the hell he feels like. It's not your fault, Mel."

I stare back at him, knowing I deserved that for showing up at his house like this, but hating his attitude at the same time. Honestly, he doesn't know why I'm here. What if it was a life or death kind of thing? What if I had come to tell him something really important? I hate that he's jumping to conclusions. But then again, should I have expected any other reaction after all this time? "I thought we could talk," I say, quietly.

"Why?" He laughs sadly. "You finally realized how stupid you are?"

It makes me want to punch him. "LIsten asshole...."

"I"m not going to stand here and watch you two tear each other apart." Melanie intervenes, angrily. "Justin, your dogs still need to be walked. Remember?"

He takes his angry gaze off of me for a split second so he can look over at Melanie. "They're still asleep. I'll do it in a few minutes."

"And when they pee all over your sheets, I'm not going to wash them," she snaps. "God, Justin...it's not my fault somebody decided to mess up the routine today." She steals an angry glance at me. "Walk them." She points a finger at him, and turns on her heel, disappearing into the kitchen.

It's so weird. If I'd never met them before and didn't know any better I'd think they were an old married couple. She orders him around like she's the master of the house and Justin seems to linger on her every word. Even now, he looks like he feels bad...like he should have known better. He's even turning around to head back upstairs. It seems like he's forgotten that I'm even here and fuck...I don't know what to think, but I do know that Melanie shouldn't be working for Justin. It's obvious that she confuses the hell out of him, and I have to wonder what the hell Lynn was thinking about when she hired the girl to work here. "Dogs?" I say.

He stops on the stairs. "You're still here?"

"We need to talk, Justin," I nod. "You know that we do."

He laughs. "I thought you never wanted to see my fucking face again, Trace. Those were your words."

I sigh. "I was angry, Justin. Could you blame me? What you did was pretty fucked up." I won't mention Kerri's name, because I know I don't need to. We both know what he did, and he should know that alone was grounds for me to cut him off completely.

He slaps his hand on the handrail. "You act like I didn't feel terrible about it."

There's a look in his eyes that I can't really describe. He looks hurt, angry and scared all at the same time. I know I've reached a delicate subject that neither of us is ready to talk about, so I'll move on. "I just...I've been thinking. I don't want to lose you as a friend, Justin. You're too important...like family, you know? And I think deep down you feel the same way. Give me an hour. That's all I'm asking. In fact, I shouldn't even have to ask. I'm the one who's doing you a favor by being here."

He glares at me. "You're not doing me any favors, dumb ass." He sighs after that and takes a few minutes to battle out his decision in his head. "But I guess..." he finally says. "I guess I owe you at least an hour."

I could be a dick and maintain my serious demeanor but instead I just smile, and let out a hearty laugh. "More like ten years, but I'll let you slide."

"Let me get clothes on and get the dogs. We can go for a walk or something," he says, and walks back up the stairs.

I sit back down on the sofa to wait for him to return. That went a lot better than I expected, and I'm kind of surprised. I smile to myself as I reach for a magazine to thumb through. Maybe this is a positive step. Maybe I can talk to him...really talk to him, and get some shit off my chest. Maybe he's changed...maybe, just maybe...I can finally have my best friend back after all this time.

"What are you planning on talking to him about?"

Melanie's voice echos from somewhere behind me and I roll my eyes, not bothering to turn around and face her this time. "Does it matter?"

"Yeah, because I don't need him getting upset right now." She's leaning over the couch now, her face directly in front of mine. It's the first time I've really gotten a close look at Melanie. That time in the car I was too distraught to really care, but now....now I'm taking her in. She has a welcoming complexion, a natural kindness. Somebody I could easily get comfortable with in about five minutes. Her eyes are soft, but bright, and pretty. If the circumstances were different, I'm sure I'd view her in a completely different way. Hell, maybe I'd even be friends with her. I can see right through this whole seriousness front she's putting on for me. I can tell just by looking at her that the girl is a total sweetheart who'd do anything for you. And that scares me...not because I find myself suddenly wanting to trust her...

But because I know what Justin can do to a vulnerable girl like her.

I cross my arms and smirk a little bit. "You two are pretty close huh?"

She swallows and clears her throat slightly. "Why...why do you say that?"

"Just seems obvious." I shrug. "You're getting pretty defensive over him, don't you think?"

"Somebody has to look out for him," she says, gruffly. "And as we discussed the last time we saw each other, you haven't been around."

I toss the magazine back on the table and sigh. "I don't want to argue with you Melanie. I've just...i've been doing alot of thinking and I guess the stuff Lynn talked to me about that day at the restaurant really got to ,me that's all. I'm not an asshole or anything, but for a long time things with Justin and I weren't working out. I didn't feel like sticking around was the best thing for either of us."

"But you're not supposed to desert your friends," she whispers, a sad look in her eyes.

There's so much that she can't know about, and I realize now just how naive she is to everything that's happened. I doubt Justin has told her much, if anything, about what happened to him in that place and after the fact. I do get the feeling though, that he blamed the fact that he's been all alone solely on myself and Kerri. That really makes me angry enough to walk out right now too, but I know I can't. I need to get some shit off of my chest, and since I don't have a damn thing going on today it's the best opportunity to do it. "There's a lot more to it than what you think, Melanie," I say.

She crosses her arms. "I doubt it."

The scratching of nails against wood flooring causes me to forget about my discussion with her for the moment, and look up at the staircase. I have to laugh when I see Justin struggling with two boxer puppies on a leash. I'm assuming Lynn must have gotten them for him, because Justin was always talking about getting a couple of dogs as soon as the tour was over. They're loud and they bark and jump around. Justin doesn't seem thrilled at all, but I can't help but laugh out loud. "Damn, Justin. Got your hands full I guess?"

He glares at me as the puppies pull him down the stairs. "Shut up."

"Don't come back until they've both done their business. I dont feel like cleaning up dog mess again, Justin," Melanie orders him.

Justin is pulled to the door. The dogs start whining and scratching at the door, obviously eager to get outside. I look on with an amused smirk. It's great to see Justin finally having to do some shit for himself. One thing I've noticed about Melanie is that she doesn't put up with his excuses...at all. Maybe thats how she got him to go running, like she told me about. I'm almost impressed. It almost makes me forget about how much I dislike her vulnerability, and bossy attitude. I mean, I guess Justin needs somebody like that. I guess...I just couldn't be that way with him because I was his best friend, and I was so scared of breaking him again. In a way, it's better that Melanie doesn't know a lot of what happened. It gives her grounds to make Justin wake up. But at the same time, a small part of me still doesn't trust it.

At the same time...something inside of me is telling me that Melanie is going to get hurt no matter how strong she is. I'd tell her but I guess it's not my place. Not that she'd believe me anyway, she'd just call me a selfish asshole and then I'd get pissed. No, for
today at least I'll just stick with what I know....

Justin and his shitty attitude.

"You coming?," he sighs as he manages to get the door open.

I glance back at Melanie, who has proceeded to remove all the pictures and trinkets on the mantle so she can dust it. She doesn't look back at us, and I know that she's completely avoiding the fact that I'm here and about to hang out with Justin. It's bothering her. A lot. But I can't say I blame her. She's worried about what this will do to him. I keep telling myself that she just cares about him like a friend would. But for some reason...I just think there's more to it than that. "Yeah."

He walks ahead of me and I try my best to catch up with him as he's pulled towards the front gates. I'm a little surprised when he hits the button to make them open. I can't remember the last time Justin went outside of his gated sanctuary without the aid of Eric or Tiny at his side. It's weird...new, and a lot different from what I was expecting. Maybe I was right. Maybe he has changed for the better. "This is different," I say, trying to catch my breath as I catch up with him.

"What's different." He scowls as he pulls back on the leash.

"We're outside of the gate," I point out.

He looks at me, but he doesn't smile. "Yeah, I know."

One of the dogs takes a dump underneath a tree, and we move on unaffected. Justin seems strangely calm, but doesn't hesitate to look over his shoulder every now and then. I can't blame him of course. "So...I guess you've been a little better," I say, trying my best to spark a conversation.

He shoots me a sarcastic smile. "Yeah look at that. And I didn't need your help or anything."

All right I get it. I was wrong to cut him off completely. I mean yeah, I had my reasons but its something I really should have considered beforehand. I probably look like such an asshole crawling back to him right now and acting like everything is okay. Clearly, in his mind, it's still not. Maybe I should just leave...let him think about things. "Justin look..."

"No...," he grunts, trying to control the dogs and pay attention to me at the same time. "Why did you come here Trace? I know you didn't just wake up this morning and decide to pay me a visit. You're as stubborn as I fuckin am."

He's right and I feel like a big asshole right now for trying to play it all cool and shit. Honestly, this is the fakest I've been around Justin in awhile and I guess I should just cut the bullshit and get to the point. "Your mom convinced me I should come talk to you. " I say.

"Oh okay." He lets out another fake laugh as the dogs continue to sniff around. "You mean the day that you had lunch with her and Melanie and you treated Mel like a piece of shit, right?"
"Oh give me a break, Justin. I didn't know her, all right? And your mom just sprung it on me that some girl was living with you and helping you out. What was I supposed to do? Be her best friend?" I know I'm leaving out the whole part that I saw her the day I was sitting outside of his house, but I feel like if I tell him that, he'll think I'm even more pathetic. "I didn't trust her."

"You judged her. Come on Buck, Brennan." He pulls the dogs forward, and looks back at me. "Don't act like you didn't."

I cross my arms across my chest. "Like you don't judge people?"

He doesn't answer.

We walk in silence for awhile, just watching the dogs do their thing. I notice that Justin doesn't even begin to head back towards the house until each of the dogs has pooped and peed at least twice. It's a little sickening to me that he's following Melanie's demands to a T, but I don't say anything. It's obvious that he's annoyed about my opinion about her so far, and I really don't feel like fighting with him about it anymore at the moment.

"So what's been going on with you, Trace?"

His question catches me totally off guard. It sounded too normal, almost forced, but I'm glad he's at least trying. At the same time though, I don't know what to tell him. Do I talk about Kerri? Do I avoid the subject? Do I tell him that I'm bored and I've been trying to find something to get into but I just can't seem to do it? Do I just talk annoyingly about how hot Tarin is? No...he'll know that I'm just bullshitting. "Oh you know...same old shit."

He smiles back at me. "You suck at lying."

I shrug. "Well I don't know what you want me to say."

We reach the gate again and he enters the security code. He looks at me for a long moment and clears his throat a little bit. "Well...I mean, Kerri's been staying with you right? How have you guys been doing?"

I want to puke. That was the one thing I was hoping he wouldn't mention, but I guess I should have known better. I want to lie and just tell him everything is fine. He doesn't need details. He doesn't need to know where she is or how she's been acting. "Fine," I nod.

"Oh...I get it." He shakes his head as the gate slides open. "We can only talk about what you feel comfortable with."

"I didn't say that." I follow him onto his property and the gate slams shut behind us. "You know, you're not making this easy for me either, Justin."

He turns to me angrily. "Then just say it. Tell me that she's fucked up, because I know she is."

I ball my fists at my sides. "Don't make this about Kerri."

The dogs begin to pull on the leashes and yelp, and he angrily turns around again and starts to let them lead him toward the house. "What the fuck is it supposed to be about then?"

I jog to catch up with him. "I came to resolve things between us. I didn't come to talk about what Kerri is doing."

Once we get close enough to the house, Justin lets the dogs off the leash and they go bounding towards the doorway, which he'd left open a crack. They push it open all the way and disappear inside. I'm thankful for that. Now, maybe Justin will be able to focus a little bit better.

"I don't know how you expect to resolve things in an hour," Justin says, wiping some sweat off of his forehead with his arm. "It's been months."

"And we've been friends for a hell of a lot longer," I point out. "Just put the shit behind us, Justin. I'm ready to."

He sits down on the grass, and I join him. He picks at the blades of grass with his fingers silently. It's annoying and I can only remember one other time in my life when things had been this tense between us, when I'd had to tell him that I'd been the one that had gotten Shane hired. He'd went ballistic, told me he wished I was dead. Hell, he shouldn't even be acting like this right now. If anything, he's lucky I've put all of that behind me. What the fuck? What gives him the right to sit here and act like he's the victim. "You know..."

"I'm sorry I blamed you for Shane," he blurts out suddenly. "It bothers me every day, Trace."

I stare at him, dumbfounded. I was expecting him to say alot of things today, but certainly not that. Honestly, we've only really discussed that whole thing once or twice, and while I told him that I'd put it behind me I guess I never really forgave him either. Ever since it happened, things have been severely strained between us. I think the Kerri thing just put everything over the top. "I never really forgave you," I say after awhile.

"I don't blame you."

It's quiet again, like it always is when each of us knows what the other one is thinking. I know he's sorry, and he knows that I'm ready to forgive and forget, even though it's going to be hard getting back to the level our friendship used to be at. "I'm trying," I say finally. "I miss you, man."

He looks at me. "You have no idea how hard its been without you." His bottom lip trembles a little bit and I watch as he wipes a few tears off of his face. "The last person I wanted to lose was you."

"That time you called...," I sigh and finally look at him again. "I felt really shitty for hanging up on you like that."

He shrugs. "I knew you would. I was messed up and I just needed somebody. I didn't know who else to call."

I officially feel like the worst person on earth, even though I shouldn't. Justin deserved it, and I wasn't ready to talk to him. But seeing him now, knowing that he was probably in a really bad state of mind then makes me wish I could have snapped out of my mood for that moment in time. I know I can't change the past though. The most I can do is move forward from here, spend time with him, and find my best friend again. "I want things to go back to how they were," I tell him. "I mean, I know they'll never be completely back to normal but...as long as we can be friends again, I think I'll be okay."

He smiles genuinely, for the first time today. "I want that too. I want it really bad, Trace."

I get up from the ground and hold my hand out to him. "You wanna go back to the house?"

"Sure." He lets me help him up. "Mel probably made something to eat."

For the first time I realize how much better he looks. He's not pale at all, and he looks like he's getting his sleep. Those bags under his eyes that would seem to take over his entire complexion are non existent now. He's clean shaven, and his usual mess of curls has been tamed. He's not dressed like a bum either. He matches, like he's always been so meticulous about in the past. I'm almost proud of how far he's coming along. And to think that Melanie of all people has played a big part in getting him back in control of himself is more shocking than anything. Madison was supposed to be the one that was getting him all straightened out. Which is why I really think there's feelings involved between Justin and Melanie...strong ones. And it's scaring me. I want to ask him what's going on, but I don't know how he'll react. I want today to go well, so things can start getting back to normal.

But I'm sure my curiosity will get the best of me.

We get back into the house and the dogs proceed to jump all over Justin while he makes his way over to the kitchen table. It's been set nicely, kind of like the way my mom sets up the table for Sunday brunch after church. It's weird because my mom isn't here, it's not Sunday, and the girl that has gone to all of this trouble considered me an asshole just a few moments ago. I guess I don't know her as well as I think, or...she just wants to fuck Justin so badly that she'll put on this Susie Homemaker front to turn him on. But that kind of thing doesn't turn Justin on, so I don't even know what to think except that she actually finds pleasure in doing this sort of shit.

"Here you go boys."

She places a large platter of sandwiches in front of us, and a moment later returns with a pitcher of what looks to be freshly made lemonade. My mouth waters. It reminds me of coming in from mowing the lawn on a hot summer day and being rewarded by my momma. God I'm such a dork, but it's been forever since I've had this kind of a homey feel and fuck...I'm going take advantage of a good thing. "Thanks." I smile and take two sandwiches from the top of the pile. Justin does the same, and when Melanie swats his hand away from the pitcher of lemonade and pours it for him herself, I can't help but smile a little bit.

They really are cute.

"You spilled it the last time," she tells him when he frowns at her.

"Well maybe you should pour Trace's too," he grumbles.

"Maybe I should give the rest of your lunch to the puppies." She grins at him, and when he doesn't protest further she simply wanders away into the adjoining room.

Justin and I eat quietly for awhile, before the curiosity begins to nag at me so badly that I can't control it anymore. I finish my fifth sandwich and sit back, letting my belt out a little because I feel so stuffed. "So," I yawn, as Justin slurps down some more lemonade. "When's the wedding?"

He looks at me. "Huh?"

I have to laugh. He looks so perplexed by my question I'm surprised he didn't fall off of his chair. "I'm just saying, Justin. You two bicker like an old married couple."

He scowls. "She's a control freak."

One of the dogs is by my feet now, crying because he wants some of my sandwich. I tear off a little piece and give it to him, and Justin gasps.

"Don't do that!"

I look at him oddly. "Are you on drugs?"

"Mel doesnt want them having any table scraps." He looks over his shoulder cautiously, probably making sure that she didn't see me give the dog anything. "She says that they need to be trained not to depend on table scraps. She'll get pissed because she's been weening them off of anything to do with the table and dinner time. She puts them outside, I'm surprised she hasn't done it today." He stares at me for a moment. "But I guess today is kind of weird anyway."

I crack a half smile and then the dog starts to whine for more food.

"See?," Justin whines. "Now you've gone and fucked it all up."

I roll my eyes. "Go lay down." I say harshly to the puppy and point to the corner. It stares at me for a minute, but when I repeat myself a little bit louder it does as it's told. "See? Not so hard, Justin. Remember Ben? That dog was a pain in the ass, but he always listened to me."

He crosses his arms stubbornly. "Whatever, when you leave he'll be back at it again. The girl, Brennan isn't so bad. She stays away from the table. Actually, she hangs around Melanie a lot. But Buckley is a pain in the ass."

"Hey, kind of like you," I snicker.

He glares at me. "Are you done criticizing me now? Did you get it out of your system?"

"Oh hardly," I smile. "You owe me about ten years worth of criticism. I'm just getting started."

"Jerk."

"You like her don't you?," I challenge him. "I can tell."

He doesn't look me directly in the eye as he laughs and tells me I'm crazy, so now I know it's the truth. He does like her, like a kid in school would have a crush on a girl. It's funny but kind of sad at the same time. Justin has never been one to crush...just one to seek out the girl he wants and take her for himself like some kind of animal. It's weird to see him like this, so obedient, so scared that he'll do something or say something wrong to piss her off. I could be worried, but the more I hang around Melanie the more harmless she seems. I take back what I said before about wishing Lynn hadn't hired her. I'm actually glad that she's the one that's taking care of him now. She's keeping him calm, and focused on what he has to do. I know that in itself is a damn miracle, considering the circumstances Sometimes I can be such a pig headed asshole, and I guess just like Justin...I need to work on myself a little more too.

"We're friends," he nods. "It's good having somebody around who has their shit together, you know? It keeps me from going more crazy than I already am. It doesn't mean I like her or anything."

"Hey I'm just telling you what it looks like to me," I defend. "Has your mother been around when you two act like this?"

"Act like what?," he snaps. "She's been around, yeah, but she hasn't said anything like this to me. I know you're just doing what you do best, Trace. Being an asshole to piss me off."

I almost get back at him by asking Justin if they've fucked yet, but I have to bite my lip. Melanie has walked back into our midst now, clearing our empty plates. I figure our conversation will move onto other things, like sunshine and daisies. But Justin's pride has seemed to take over, and I know I shouldn't have pushed him so hard.

"What the fuck do you care what I do anyway?," he grunts at me.

Melanie turns around from her spot at the sink and stares at us.

"I was just kidding around, christ," I get up from the table and shake my head at him. "You get so damn edgy."

"Everything okay?," I hear Melanie say. "Justin?"

"He's just being himself," he says, glaring at me. "And he was leaving anyway."

I frown a little bit. I guess he's kicking me out, but should I really have expected anything else from him? I've struck one of his precious nerves, and god forbid anybody should tell him he's wrong or make him admit his feelings to himself. Maybe coming here was a mistake. I probably should have just called or something...planned ahead. But I just figured we could act like adults and come to terms with things. I mean, yeah he looks better but his attitude is still the same. I'm getting disgusted again. I really need to leave. "Yeah, I was." I shake my head a little bit. "See you around, Justin."

"Wait."

It's Melanie again and I sigh. Not only is she Susie Homemaker, but she's also Justin's saving grace when it comes to people getting pissed off at him. If only she knew how he acted a few months back. If only she knew about Kerri...

But I refuse to think about Kerri right now.

I turn back and sigh. "It's fine," I say. "I have things to do anyway."

"Yeah," Justin scoffs. "Like sit in his house."

"Look," she says, ignoring the both of us. "I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but Trace, maybe you should give Justin a break. You know, you didn't give him any time to get ready for your visit and from what I understand you two haven't spoken in awhile."

"She's right." Justin smiles at me, like he's just won some fucking contest. It makes me want to punch him.

"And Justin...."

He frowns.

"You should give Trace a break. At least he's here, trying to salvage your friendship." She pauses and smiles at me a little bit. "Most people wouldn't take the time to do that."

I feel like we're on some twisted version of Full House, I glance at the door ready to see Joey Gladstone bust through with some stupid ass joke but it never happens. I'm still uncomfortable though. I've never really been one to be all sappy and shit, and it's kind of sickening to hear Melanie say all this stuff. It's like she's become the mediator, when I thought that was my job all along. Weird. It's weird. It's weird and I should go. "I...um...I should probably go anyway though. I have a dinner meeting later on and I need to get my shit together. You know how it is Justin."

One glance at him and I know he thinks I'm full of shit, but I don't care. I mean, it's not totally a lie. I told Tarin I'd meet her after work for dinner. It's not really a meeting but, it doesn't matter anyway. I'm uncomfortable and the fact that this is the first time I've been on good terms with Justin in four months is really making me agitated. I need to reflect on all of this and figure out what I need to do to make all of this right again.

"Oh yeah," Justin nods. "Sure."

"I um...have to give this house a pretty good cleaning tomorrow," Melanie speaks up quickly before I can escape. "Why don't you two do something?"

Justin doesn't respond. He's still brooding in his seat, probably because Melanie just pointed out how stupid he was acting. I hate when he gets like this. It's so childish and honestly he should have gotten past being so sensitive by now. "We could go to the driving range,"I force myself to suggest, even though he's the one that should be concerned about hanging out with me again. I guess I know that deep down he probably does want to hang out as soon as possible, but he's too scared and stubborn to make the first offer. I shouldn't have expected him to act differently.

"I guess," he mumbles in reply. "That...that'll be okay."

"All right. I'll call you tomorrow. Thanks for the food and stuff, Melanie."

"Sure," she says quickly and steps closer to me. "Let me show you out."

In all honesty I could show myself out, but Melanie seems pretty uncomfortable at the moment, so I'll let her do what she wants. I guess it's weird for her seeing Justin and I starting to reunite and stuff, seeing as how she knows nothing about our past history growing up. I'd probably feel out of place too.

"So you'll call tomorrow right?," she laughs nervously as she opens the door for me. "Because you know...if you don't call, Justin will..."

"He'll talk about it all day I know," I interrupt with a smile. "Don't worry about it. I'll call. I'm not one of those people who goes back on their word."

"All right."

She seems satisfied with what I've said, so I start to walk out to my car, trying to figure out what the hell happened in there and what my friendship with Justin is going to be like now that we've reconciled.

"Trace."

I turn around. She's still standing there, looking as uncomfortable as ever. Still, I smile at her, not wanting to make the situation any worse than it is. "Yeah?"

"I shouldn't have said all that stuff to you when I met you," she says sadly. "I just didn't know what had gone on, and I didn't want Justin to get hurt anymore than he had been."

I shrug. "I misjudged you too," I confess. "I didn't think you belonged here but...the truth is, I haven't seen him look this good in a long time. So I guess I should be thanking you."

"Maybe I'll see you tomorrow," she tells me quickly. "I"d stay and chat but I'm sure the dogs are wreaking havoc somewhere in the house. Bye, Trace."

I wave and she disappears into the house, leaving me alone in the driveway. I shake my head and smile as I get into my car, thinking how crazy I am for even showing up here today, and how stupid I was for thinking Melanie was this big stupid bitch who needed to be outed. In all honestly, she seems really sweet, and she's really pretty too. She's like the type of girl that I'd date if I was still living back home, that sweet innocent girl next door. For a minute or two I'm almost jealous of Justin for having yet...another thing in his life that I could never have.

But then I remember that I live in Los Angeles, I have a hot ass girlfriend that I'm meeting for dinner, and I have a lot more going for me personality wise than Justin does right now. I should just be happy that I'm finally getting back on track with my life, after all this time of wallowing in misery and sadness. It's with these thoughts in my head that I manage to pull up to the radio station and wait for Tarin to get out of work. It seems like an eternity, and I suddenly remember just why it is that I hate hanging out around here during the daytime. There's so many sketchy people hanging around, bums really. It makes me kind of sick to think that Kerri is alone in this mess now, and I'm the cause of it. Maybe I'm wrong...fuck, maybe I can ask Justin what he thinks tomorrow. But no...no, how can I ask him for Kerri advice? The whole point of this is to keep Kerri out of our conversations.

But how is that possible?

"Hi sexy."

I look up into the smiling face of my girlfriend. She leans in through the window and we kiss a little bit. That's one of my favorite things...it always has been, and it's sexy as hell that she remembers. "Hi baby."

She gets into my car and we drive off. She proceeds to tell me about her day, and the calm, sweet sound of her voice makes any aggressions I may have built up at Justin's go away completely. I melt into her, and I start to wonder how I could have possibly allowed such an awesome person slip through my fingers. I mean yeah, the distance thing had something to do with it but if I tried hard enough I probably could have made it work. I can't help but wonder, what if things had been different? What if she'd had a boyfriend when I came to ask her for help getting Kerri a job? Would she had felt as sorry for me? Would Kerri and I have even gotten into that fight? I guess I shouldn't think about it though. This is what's happening right now, this is reality, and I should be happy with that and not dwell on things so much.

"Yeah and it's just such a joke. I mean, I've been there for almost eight years, and some intern thinks shes going to get the job over me? It's ridiculous babe."

She rambling on, and I'm sorry to say I was barely paying attention to what she was saying in the first place. That makes me a horrible person right now but I mean, I did have kind of an emotional roller coaster of a day. I put my hand on her inner thigh and rub it gently, so it makes it look like I completely understand. Terrible. "Don't worry about it, Tar," I glance at her and flash her a gentle smile. "You're the best one there anyway."

She pecks me on the cheek. "So where are we going?"

"Oh..." I feel myself blush a little, because I was dork and booked a reservation at this really nice place up in Bel Air. I didn't tell her, I sort of wanted it to be special. But it's weird because I normally don't do things like this. I"m more conservative, happy with a Denny's dinner over some fancy overpriced steak anytime. But Tarin...it's like I feel like she's too good for places like that. Or maybe I just want her to feel that way. "Well I figured I'd surprise ya."

"Surprises? From you?," she scoffs.

"I know," I laugh. "That's a surprise in itself."

"What's the occasion mister?"

I glance at her again, and let my gaze linger on her for a few minutes, not being able to help but think about how amazingly hot she is. I may not remember the sex we had when I was drunk the last night, but I damn well remember the sex we had a few nights before. I'd been playing it cool because we had only just started dating and I didn't want her to think I wanted to get in her pants so quick. I mean, yeah of course I did...but I wasn't going to be a jerk about it. Anyway, we ended up going out that night with a few of her friends. We partied, but I didn't really get that trashed, just tipsy. Afterwards we went back to my place, and walked up the stairs to my apartment laughing like a couple of stupid kids. When we got inside I told her that she could just crash at my place because I didn't want her driving home if she'd been drinking.

So we watched a movie...

The next thing I knew we were rolling around in my bed, having this crazy wild sex romp. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had it that good, that many times, or for that amount of time. It was probably back before the kidnapping, sometime when Elisha had been able to make it out to one of Justin's shows. And that was a long, long time ago. Six months at least. I never realized how horny I was, I guess my mind had been too preoccupied with other things. But when we came together that first time...long and hard, screaming each others names, I'd realized how much I'd missed having sex, how fun it was, and how important it was to care about the other person I was having it with. "No occasion really." I give her thigh a firm squeeze. "Just thought it would be nice to take my girl out."

"Hmm, your girl," she grins. "Never thought I'd hear you say that to me again, Trace."

She takes my hand and I lace my fingers through hers before lifting her hand to my lips, giving it a soft kiss. "I um...I went to Justin's," I say after a few moments.

She smiles at me and I know she's proud. We had a long talk about this earlier in the week, when I'd been convinced it wasn't such a good idea after all. She told me that she knew how close I was with Justin, and even if she didn't know him as well as I did, it was important that I tried to rekindle our friendship. I think I took her advice to heart, because initially if it wasn't for Justin, I wouldn't have even met Tarin in the first place. He'd hooked up with her first, and I'd ran into her in the continental breakfast line the next morning. Of course it had been awkward, and Justin did get kind of pissed the next week when she'd called me instead of him, but in the end he'd found somebody else to fuck anyway. Tarin was just too good for that sort of thing. She didn't need to hang onto the hopes of Justin's phone calls. She hooked up with him, she met me and then she forgot about him. It was that simple.

I think it was the only time I'd felt like I'd gotten one up on Justin.

"So...dish boy! What happened?"

"We talked," I nod. "I think...it was good. We're speaking, so I guess that's as much as I could have hoped for. We're supposed to go to the driving range tomorrow, so I'll have to see what happens I guess."

"See? I told you everything would be fine." She nudges me playfully. "You worry too much."

"Yeah." I grip the steering wheel harder and bite my lip. Bringing up the fact that I worry too much makes me think of Kerri...about the terrible things I said to her yesterday. I realize that I don't even know if she made it into work today, and I'm dying to ask Tarin but I just don't know how she'll react. When the whole thing happened, and Kerri left the venue, Tarin told me I should just forget her and move on. But how can I just forget her? No matter what I do, she'll always outshine the majority of my other friends in a way. We've done things together and confided in each other so much in our lifetime, that I know nobody can take her place. "I hate to ask, babe. I just....I mean, did Kerri make it into work today?"

She rolls her eyes a little. "I guess I knew you'd ask."

"I just don't want anything bad to happen to her." I give her a pleading look. "You understand, right?"

She sighs. "Yeah she made it. Somebody dropped her off, but I didn't get to talk to her. I mean, I wasn't planning on it anyway but she was cooped up in David's office when I left to do a few errands at the venue, and when I got back she was still in there." She bites her lip. "I wasn't going to say anything but...since you asked I guess I can just tell you that I don't like it, Trace."

David Foster is one of those guys you meet at a bar or a pool party and feel like punching in the face or pushing in the pool, but don't because his sister is hot and you're afraid you won't be able to get on her good side if you follow through with what you want to do. He's arrogant, selfish, and really deceptive. But he's always supported NSYNC, and Justin's career. That's the one thing that's kept my respect for him just over the borderline. I mean, I know it's just because having Justin come into the studio has done wonders for his career and shit that he's been nice to me, but I've never been able to be a dick to him. It's just not in me.

But right now I'm just not sure what to think. Tarin seems a little concerned, even though she's lost most of her respect for Kerri at this point. Tarin isn't one to worry unless something is serious, and something is telling me she knows more than what she's letting on. "Well he's her boss. He had to have been pissed about yesterday, right?"

"Not pissed enough to keep her in his office all day," Tarin chuckles. "David has intentions when he pulls shit like this."

"Intentions?"

She's quiet for awhile after that and it makes me even more confused. It's seems like I've reached a really touchy subject with her and it's weird because I thought I knew everything about this girl...that she didn't have a reason to keep anything from me. It's a little annoying that she's decided to tell me some kind of secret now...after we've slept together. But hell, maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe I should just give her a chance to tell me what's on her mind and then make assumptions. Yeah. It's something I need to work on too, not jumping to conclusions. I tend to do it with the wrong people, and it's probably part of the reason why my friendships tend to get fucked up from time to time.

"I haven't really told anybody about it," she whispers, and takes her hand out of mine. "It's weird and I just...I try to forget about what I did."

I drive off the exit, and soon we are pulling up to our destination. I look over at her, and she looks so upset, I almost wish we'd gone back to my place first or something. "Tarin, are..are you okay?"

"Oh yeah." She shakes her head and sighs before looking at me again. "I'll be okay. We can talk about this later if you want. I don't want to spoil dinner."

I give her a weird look. "Tarin, you're not spoiling anything," I say seriously. "If you need to talk we'll talk. I can turn around, go back home...whatever you want to do."

She gazes out the window. "Vinceti's," she coos. "Trace...how did you remember?"

I'm a retard. I took her here on our first date because I wanted to show off. At the time, it nearly broke my wallet because I was living out of a suitcase on Justin's tour bus. But she absolutely loved it, so it made it all worth it even though Justin broke my balls for the next month because I made him pay for all of my food. "I couldn't forget," I mumble, embarrassed.

She turns back to me after a moment. She's smiling now, whatever she was upset about obviously having been washed away with the realization of where we are. "I can't believe you went to all this trouble."

"It wasn't any trouble," I reassure her. She pulls my face close to hers after that, and gives me a long slow kiss that nearly makes me want to take her back home so we can do things. But then I calm down. For one, I really want to take her to this place, and well...i want to know what's on her mind with this whole David thing. A tapping on the window puts a stop to our little make out session though, and I look over to find the valet standing there, ready to take my key from me. Sheepishly, I roll down the window and hand it to him, along with a twenty dollar bill to keep him from making some smart ass comment. I meet Tarin at the door a moment later, and take her hand. "I want us to talk when we get seated," I tell her quietly. "About David."

"But Trace..."

I give her a pleading look.

"Ugh, fine."

The maitre' d seats us at a quiet table in the back of the restaurant, and I'm thankful that he thought enough to keep us away from the majority of the crowd. In the candlelight she truly looks beautiful, and the best thing about it is that she didn't spend hours getting ready, she came straight from work. I love natural beauty. It cant compare to any make over. "You okay?"

She nods. "I need a drink."

I laugh a little. "I think we both do."

The wine list comes and I get us a bottle of some fancy shit that Tarin points out. I'm not really one for wine at all, and I'm surprised that I actually like it when I try it. It's another point for her I guess. "So..." I say, after taking another sip. "David."

She lowers the menu away from her face. "I don't want this to change things between us," she whispers. "I mean, I just got you back. I...I don't want to lose you a second time."

Hearing her say that makes me feel so awesome inside, that if we weren't in this swank setting I'd probably start making out with her at the table right now. But I know I can't do that, so I just grab her hand again and smile at her. "I'm right here," I promise her. "I'm not going anywhere, all right? I don't care what happened in the past or anything like that. That's not important."

She nods, and looks down at the table for awhile before continuing on. "We fooled around a lot. Pretty much up until you walked into my office that day, Trace. I never had a steady boyfriend after we broke it off, and then you know...i really wanted to get ahead at KISS. David could make that happen so I just went along with what he wanted. I know it's weird...that was never me when I was around you and Justin. But I needed to do what I had to do."

If I had known that had been going on I would have made sure it stopped. Fuck, I could have easily gotten her a hook up at a better radio station. Sure, she might have had to relocate and stuff but at least she wouldn't have had to sleep with that douche bag. "Why didn't you tell me?," I say sadly. "I could have helped you out."

"You were busy with Justin," she laughs. "I never wanted to burden you with anything, Trace. You know I've always been one to take care of myself. It wasn't so bad in the beginning. We would just hook up on a whim. But then he'd want it all the time and when...I wouldn't give it to him he would threaten to demote me, or give important events to one of the other girls."

"And you think he's going to try that with Kerri?"

"I really don't know. He could have had his reasons for talking to her all day, but I know David...and I've seen the way he looks at her. I feel responsible," she sighs. "Maybe if I hadn't been such a bitch to her she would have blown him off."

I shrug a little bit. Honestly, we were probably both out of line yesterday with how we treated Kerri, but at the same time I think she needed to experience it. She spends way too much time relishing people feeling sorry for her, instead of being her own person and fending for herself. Kerri knew that Tarin wasn't out to be her best friend from the beginning, so there's no reason for her to feel bad. "No," I whisper, looking her in the eye. "You shouldn't feel bad about anything. Kerri needed to experience our attitudes yesterday. All this shit with her has gone on long enough, you know?"

"I don't know." She sighs and looks down at her lap. "I just don't want David to do things to her that she can't handle. I mean, I'm really strong. I don't feel bad about the things he's said to me or probably will say. But Kerri is on her last nerve half the time. She's high strung and yeah I don't really like her all that much, but still...she shouldn't have to be put through this too."

"Kerri has a good head on her shoulders." I know that's true. Yeah, she may be a mess right now but she knows what to do in her life to protect herself from assholes like David Foster. I know she couldn't be stupid enough to let him manipulate her into his bed. She's had enough experience with Justin to know better. It's girls like Melanie, the one's with no experience that get screwed over in the end. I should probably tell Tarin about Melanie too. How I'm worried about her, just like I'm worried about Kerri and I shouldn't be. But I dont know. The fact that Melanie is working for Justin like she is isn't really anybody's business. I doubt that Lynn or Justin would want me telling an outside party about what's really going on. I mean, it's obvious that Justin isn't working right now and it would be weird to most people that he has some girl living with him. Not that I don't trust Tarin. I do. I just don't want her to think something that's not true, like I did when I first found out about Melanie. I'll let it go for now...at least until there comes a time when I decide to hang out with Melanie, Justin, and my girlfriend at the same time.

"She's not going to let him conn her into sleeping with him or anything else like that," I reassure her, squeezing her hand a little bit. "And even if she did sleep with him, it would be on her conscience...not on anybody else's. I don't want you to worry about it anymore, all right? Please." I lean across the table and give her a soft kiss.

She smiles back at me. "All right."

I'm glad I've just put her mind at ease. It makes me feel good to know that I'm the one who's been able to take the stress off of her shoulders. The only problem is, now I've taken that stress on myself. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared for Kerri. Yeah she's smart but I don't know how much I fucked her up yesterday. For all I know she could have started to cling to the first person that came along. If she gets hurt...doesn't that make me responsible? Fuck, I shouldn't have flipped out on her. But damn it I just had to do it, or I wouldn't be sitting her with Tarin right now...I'd be home talking to Kerri about how she needs to stop being miserable.

And now more than ever, I realize how much I've been missing in my life because I was putting Kerri first.

We order dinner and the rest of the night is pretty normal. We talk about what's going on in Tennessee. She tells me I should go and if she gets the time off of work, she'd like to come with me. It makes me smile. I'd love to bring her home to my mom, I really think they'd get along well because they're both really funny and level headed. I drive us back to the radio station after dinner so she can pick her car up, but it takes her awhile to even make it out of my own car because we can't seem to keep our hands off of each other.

"I have work in the morning," she laughs as I shove my hand up her shirt and begin to toy around with her bra. "Trace..."

"Sleep over," I plead. It's sad, but I find it so much easier to sleep when she's in bed with me. I wrap my arms around her and doze off...dreaming about how hot she is and how secure I feel with her beside me. Waking up is great too. I try to be quiet, just watching her sleep. It's great to know that she cares...at least for now, until I do something stupid. But no, I'm not going to anything stupid. This is a new start...right. A new start and I'm going to make it work.

"But I have to work." She grins. "You want me to be tired at work?"

"No," I pout. "But I don't want to be restless tonight either."

She rolls her eyes, but her smile doesn't fade. "You're bringing me to work in the morning."

I laugh a little, knowing I've won yet again and I start up my car. "I know."

I've never driven home so fast in my life, and when we reach the door to my apartment I'm kissing her so hard and touching her so much that I can barely get my key in the door. We kiss frantically, stripping off each others clothing and collapse onto my bed together. We have amazing, passionate sex, that lasts longer and feels better than the last time. I fall asleep with my arms around her, looking into her beautiful chocolate eyes, mumbling sexy shit about her to myself that makes her giggle sleepily and kiss me softly on the face.

And it's safe to say that I finally have at least one thing in my life going exactly the way I want it to.

I'm posting the chapters I've neglected to post here so people can catch up. Sorry about that


Twisting and Turning

I haven't been sleeping well the past few nights, but for the first time it hasn't been because of some fucked up nightmare about Shane...or even Kerri. I keep having visions of her, I mean...Melanie, in my dreams. The other night in the studio, I'd just given in. We'd been so close and she'd just been so beautiful that I hadn't been able to stop myself from trying to let her know how I've started to feel about her. She smelled of raspberries and when I'd been close enough to breathe her scent in I became absolutely addicted to her. I wanted to pull her close, hold her, and kiss her. But really, I should have known I was out of line. Melanie isn't like that.

I could tell part of her was terrified when I'd brushed my hand against her cheek, but when I looked deeper into her eyes, for a split second I could see a look of longing in them. Like she wanted me more than she wanted to admit. I'd smiled. I'd somehow begun to think that she really liked me as much as I was starting to like her. But I'd received a rude awakening when she freaked and ran out on me. I tried not to be frustrated with her for doing that. I knew I shouldn't have expected any other reaction out of her, but when you're a guy that hasn't had really good sex in a long ass time there are things that suck about being left hung out dry. I'd spent a good half hour in the shower jerking off after that, and fuck it felt so amazing. I'd forgotten that I hadn't had the urge to do anything like that in months, so when it finally...came out...I felt like an entirely new human being. It was sad to admit. I wouldn't even tell Trace because I know he'd make fun of me, or just look at me weird.

The days that have passed since our little encounter in my studio have been anything but normal. Mel and I have basically been tip toeing around each other, barely making eye contact, and only chatting long enough to get each others agendas in check. It's really frustrating that I can't talk to her the same as before. But each time I tried to break down and do it I would just think about how much I wanted to touch her, and I knew it was dangerous to try and get into anything with her.

I don't need another Kerri episode, that's for fucking sure.

I've been trying to clear my head through my journal. I realized I hadn't been writing in it as much as I should have been, but I guess I've been so distracted hanging out with Mel and now with Trace that I sort of neglected it. Somehow I think that might be sort of good too, it could mean I'm starting to move on and get my life back in order. But I don't know, it's probably still too soon to assume things like that. I still find solace in it's pages. I've been writing the last couple of nights, mostly about current events. Shane has become less and less a topic of discussion too. Instead, I find myself writing paragraph after paragraph about my feelings for Mel. I guess I just can't help it. There's nobody else I can trust to dish this kind of shit out too. Trace would just think I'm not ready, and tell me that I'm an asshole. Telling my mom about it is out of the question too, because I'm sure she'd have a coronary. So until things change, my journal is still one of my greatest tools, and my greatest confidant.

I'm really unsure of a couple of things. One, where my heart is really at, and two, where the hell my mind is at. I don't know if I have these feelings for Mel because she's the only one around, and the only one who's stuck by me, or simply because I really do like her a lot. It terrifies me that I could end up using her, and end up shattering her after everything she's done for me. I just don't know if I can trust myself, or rely on myself not to turn into a selfish fucking bastard again. But the more I think about it, I treated Kerri that way because she treated me that way. Always pushing me, always telling me how miserable she was...always reminding me of all the shit that happened. Of course what I did to her in the end was unforgivable, I'm not denying that. But Kerri and I...we were never meant to have that kind of relationship. I just clung to her when I shouldn't have and I didn't realize what had happened until it was too late. Melanie is so different. We relate to each other. We can just sit together quietly and know...just know that we're fucked up and it's okay. Hell, I don't even know her whole story. I know the basics about her and the mental hospital she was in but that's it. I can't push her for more information. It wouldn't be fair considering I don't think I can ever tell her about what Shane did to me.

Nobody has ever been able to look at me and just...know. And it's making me fall for her so damn hard. I keep thinking to myself that I could love this girl. I could really love her, and that's just so shitty because I know it can never happen...

It's put me in a really uncomfortable mood. My feelings for her have sprung up so fast and I don't know how to handle it. It's like one minute I hated her and wanted her out, and then it was just like BAM I was falling for her. It's not fucking fair, and I know it's even less fair to her because she probably has no clue as to why I've been acting so weird. I want to snap out of it but I guess I'm just in too deep now.

I care about her.

I went to lunch with Clive and Johnny on Monday. Funnily enough, I was actually itching to go, despite the fact that I usually hate that kind of work related shit, not to mention the fact that Clive makes me nervous as fuck. I guess I just needed to get out of the house, and away from Melanie who'd been confusing the hell out of me. I'd called Trace the night before, practically begging him to come to the meeting with me. I knew I couldn't bring Mel. She's not in the business and she probably would have been really bored and uncomfortable the entire time. Trace had been hesitant to agree at first. He told me that he wasn't my assistant anymore, and I shouldn't have been asking him to attend a business meeting with me. But I really explained myself. I told him that my mom was a pain in the ass to take, because she treated me like a baby most of the time and I didnt need Clive Davis thinking I couldn't handle my own shit. Naturally he told me to bring Melanie because she could just sit there quiet and "look cute" as he so idiotically put it.

"Trace, you know all about my career. If they ask me a question I'm unsure about you always have the answer before I can fuck things up," I'd whined.

"I thought we'd agreed to just sort shit out first," he'd sighed. "I don't know if I'm ready to be a part of your whole thing again, Justin."

I'd understood, but I was a lot more persistent that I'd been before Trace and I had stopped talking. I knew that having him with me at the lunch was a smart move. Johnny liked him a lot, he'd always felt that he'd kept my ass in line when I'd been going out of my skull. I figured if he saw Trace there he'd be a lot more confident in my effort to get my career back on track again, and in turn he'd relay his feelings to Clive. They wouldn't be up my ass so much after that, I was sure. So I knew it was important to prove to Trace how important he was, even though I hated kissing the little bastards ass for more than ten minutes at a time. "Look, I need you. If I had any other choice, or any other person that was as good as you are I'd ask them. But I just don't, Trace."

I knew I was giving him a confidence boost, and when he'd laughed and told me that he'd known I'd never make it without him from the beginning, I knew I'd won the battle. The lunch had gone well after all. Clive and Johnny had loved the demo I'd presented, and so I'd been glad that I'd taken Melanie's comments about the song to heart. They said it could possibly be another single too, so I know thats promising. It means people will be paying attention to my re-release, and I'll be back in the same spot I was before...everything happened. Then everybody will be happy.

Almost everybody, anyway. I'll still be like this coin. You flip one side and you get a fake smile and forced enthusiasm. You flip to the other side and you have this broken up mess of a guy who used to be outgoing, and is trying as hard as he can to get back to his old ways again. It's a shitty way to live, but I probably know better than anybody that it's how this business works. Nobody cares if you're sad, or if you're happy...they just want what they want. And I'll put up with it because I don't have anything else to fall back on. If I'm not performing and making music then what am I supposed to do? I'll be a nothing, just dwindle away. Shane would have defeated me just like he always said he would...

And I couldn't live with that.

I'm up early this morning again. I've been getting up earlier than normal this week, partly because I haven't been sleeping anyway, and I needed to get some of my stupid aggression towards Mel out of my system before we went running. The last thing I want to do is flip out on her, because I'm sure she'd leave or bitch to my mom about how I've been acting weird all trying to kiss her and stuff. I've been working out in the basement a lot this week, and if I thought I had been slacking on my physical fitness routine before...I really know it now. Doing bench presses that used to seem so easy to me, felt like deadweight that very first morning. I wanted to kick myself for being so damn out of it and lazy. I'm going to give Jason a call next week. Hopefully he'll be happy I'm coming out of this rut and come by so we can start training again. I know with any kind of album release there's a lot of press that goes along with it and I need to look my best.

I can't let people think I've turned into a weak little nothing.

I drape the towel over my shoulder and grab a bottle of water out of the pantry before heading down into the basement. I start to put my headphones in, and clip my walkman to the waistband of my jogging shorts. But I have to stop at the bottom of the steps, because I see her now. She's....fuck....she's in a sports bra and leggings, moving in synch with the exercise video on the TV screen. I could fucking kill myself right now. She looks so good and she has no idea how painful it is for me to see her like this, half her body exposed. It takes all of my strength not to completely lose it as I walk up behind her and tap her on the shoulder. "What the hell are you doing?"

She jumps and nearly kicks me as she whirls around. "God, Justin!," she exclaims, breathlessly. "I should be asking you that!" She places her hands on her hips and scowls at me.

"Just didn't expect to see you here is all," I say quietly, a little embarrassed that I scared her like that. "It's really early." I bend down and pick up a couple of my weights from the ground and place them by my water and towel that I'd dropped to the floor.

"That's why I came down. I figured you'd be asleep and I found this old Tae Bo video underneath your couch while I was vacuuming the other day. I figured I'd try it out," she explains, wiping the sweat from her forehead. "I've been a little agitated lately so I figured it might help me to mellow out."

She's shooting me a look that's telling me I should know what she's hinting at, and of course I completely get it. Still, I don't make an argument. It's pointless, because I'm already aggravated as it is, and Trace and I have 18 holes of golf to conquer today. I'd like to be in a good mood for that because Trace has been putting an effort in to keep a smile on his face for me, and I want to do the same thing for him. "Wow." I pick up the video box from its place on top of the TV. "I thought I lost this thing back when I first moved into the house. Me and my trainer were fuckin around with it, and after I guess I just chucked it somewhere." I smile at the memory of Jason bringing it by, and me thinking it was some lame version of karate that I didn't want to learn. As it turned out, I'd actually ended up liking the Tae Bo techniques. They were a big help with some of the more advanced choreography that Marty ended up creating for the tour.

"Yeah," she chuckles. "Like behind your couch. I guess it got put to a lot of good use there."

"Whatever." I take my sweatshirt and tee shirt off, leaving only my undershirt on as a polite cover up. Most of the time I really like to work out without any shirt on at all, but I can sense how tense Mel gets when I walk around in just my jogging shorts, and things have been awkward enough this week without me adding to it. "I meant to use it. I just never had the time."

"Aww, poor baby." She smiles to herself and walks back to the TV so she can rewind the video back to where it left off. "It's gotta piss you off."

I pick up one of the bar bells and start to do arm crunches, trying to keep my eyes from lingering on her spandex covered behind. I hate to admit that I've been looking at her ass a lot this week. It's really sleazy of me but I just can't help myself. She really has a nice one, all rounded and shit...something I could put my hands on and grab....

Fuck.

"Wh-what pisses me off?," I say, keeping my gaze focused on the wall.

"That I could kick your ass." She giggles a little bit and starts to move along with the video again.

I put down the weight and stare at her. "Excuse me?"

"Oh come on." She does a few of the punches and kicks before glancing over at me. "You and I both know I could."

I don't know what she's trying to do. Could it be that the past few days have been so overwhelmingly pathetic between us that she's trying to lighten the mood? Or is she so frustrated that she's saying this shit to piss me off? Fuck I don't know if I'm supposed to be playful and flirt with her right now, or try to insult her back with a crude comment. I really, really am trying to avoid being a dick right now though so I smile and say: "You really think you can pin me?"

She stops what she's doing and smoothes her hair back, big old smile on her face. "Oh I don't think... I know."

"IT"S TIME FOR A BATTLE."

The TV yells the words at us suddenly and we both glance at the muscular man on the screen before looking at each other again and smiling softly. As I look at her, all I can think is that she's so...hot, and I'd like nothing more than to tackle her to the ground and just....

What am I thinking? I can't do that with her. I mean...this is Melanie, not some fuckin slutty ass girl.

"Come on Justin." She smiles, and pulls her hair back into a messy ponytail. "You think you can prove me wrong?"

"Oh I don't know, Mel," I chuckle. "I don't want to hurt you."

She throws her head back and laughs out loud. It's weird. I love watching her smile and laugh like that because she never does it, but at the same time I feel like my pride is being hurt. The insecurities that are constantly looming in the back of my mind are sort of tapping me on my shoulder right now, reminding me that she could think that I'm a weak person that can't fight back. And I can't let her think that.

"Okay." I say, sternly. "Let's go if you're so tough.""

"Well...all right..."

Her smile fades slightly and she eyes me suspiciously. A few odd moments of silence pass between us then, each one trying to figure out what the other is thinking. But when nothing is said, and the Tae Bo video guy starts to count down for the battle to begin, we both move in for the kill.

"BATTLE!"

Immediately I go in to grab her, but she's much too fast for me. She ducks as I go for her shoulders and rolls underneath me, grabbing me by the legs and pulling me down to the floor before I know what's hit me. I'm lying face up, staring at the ceiling, trying to catch my breath so I can get up and tackle her like I said I would. But then she's on top of me, grabbing my hands and holding them above my head so I can't move. I'm staring directly into her eyes now, and she's laughing at me, her eyes filled with this weird, lusty filled gaze that I can't exactly place with anything I've seen on any other woman before. It makes me want to grab her and just fuckin....do things to her that would drive her crazy. Before, when I was normal, I would be doing just that too. I would have broken free from her grip by now, grabbed her waist and rolled over onto her so I could kiss her...strip her down naked...

But the thought of trying that at this point in my life scares the shit out of me.

"I guess you were wrong," she whispers.

"I guess I was."

We stay in this position for a good five minutes, just staring at each other. Soon, the sound of the TV becomes non existent. It's just us now, me and her, and that's all I want it to be. I don't care about today, what I have planned, or anything else. I could lay like this with her all day, I know that now. It's fucking scary as hell too but I guess that comes with the territory...it comes with moving on. I just wish I had the guts to tell her...or to kiss her. But I can't.

"I um..." She trails off and breaks her intense gaze from mine.

"Yeah?"

But she doesn't say anything else. She rolls off of me then, and gets up, holding her hand out for me to take. I let her help me up, not letting go of her hand right away when I get to my feet. "You okay?," I say, a little out of breath.

"Uh, yeah..." She pulls away and grabs her water bottle from behind her. "Kind of dizzy."

I feel myself blush a little. "Yeah."

It's quiet again. She keeps guzzling her water and I keep staring at her like a dumb ass. I know she can feel my eyes on her too, and I have no idea if she feels uncomfortable, angry, or if she likes it. "Hey, Mel. About, you know....this week and stuff...."

"Hey, I should start breakfast." She screws the cap back on her water. "Sorry I took up your work out time, Justin. I know you want