Scars-new 5/6/09
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ialwayzbesingin |
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FSLHOE |
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ialwayzbesingin |
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True Colors
"Mel…Melanie. Wake up." The voice is distant, like its coming from a thousand miles away. My eyes drift open slowly, and I let out a short yawn before reaching up to rub the sleep from my eyes. The sun is shining warmly on my body, something I'm not really used to. The bedroom I sleep in is pretty dark, because I want it that way. But now that I'm sitting up, I realize why it's so bright in here. "Melanie you gotta get up," Justin says, slightly panicked. I run a hand through my hair. I realized I slept here all night. I fell asleep after… Shit, I must have fallen asleep on the couch with Justin. I've never felt so warm next to somebody in my life. It's like, Justin's entire body was this one big comfort zone. The minute my head hit his chest, I felt like I could have lied there forever and never been haunted by another bad memory or nightmare again. I can still remember breathing him in, that sweet scent of soap and freshly laundered clothes mixed together. He smelled of comfort, he felt like comfort, and I let myself fall into the trap against my better judgment. I know I'm not stupid. I could have forced myself to wake up and go back to the guest house. But damn it, I just didn't want to. For the first time in years, there was a man in my life that I actually felt safe enough to be around for the night. I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. "Melanie!" I fully snap out of my daze this time, and sit up a little bit more. Justin is frantic now. He has a big garbage bag in one hand, and is bent down on the floor picking up random pieces of junk that have found their way onto his carpet over this past week. "Justin," I find myself giggling his name. "What are you doing? I'm going to clean later, I promise." "My mom is going to be here in five fucking minutes." He angrily shoves some more junk into the bag. "The house is a mess. I haven't even showered, and you've been here all night. This is bad Mel. I don't need her asking questions. I…I have too many questions as it is." Okay, it's time to be the straight forward, level headed one again. Yeah, he's right, the house is a pretty big mess. Normally, I'd never let it get this bad. But I've been so preoccupied with other things I mean, yeah I did a pretty good cleaning the other day when Justin and his mom went to lunch, but since then I've neglected to make sure I kept up with the mess that Justin leaves all over the house. That should piss me off. I should be yelling at him right now, telling him that its not my fault that he chooses to leave trails of junk all over after I spend hours cleaning the house for him. But I find that I can't yell at him. I'm still lost in the memory of last night. I'm confused, and happy, and terrified all at the same time. I mean, god, I know nothing really drastic happened. But it's just the fact that he's a guy…and I haven't had any male contact in five damn years. It's doing things to me. Bad things, that I need to just push deep down inside of me and forget about. "Just calm down, Justin." I manage to get up from the sofa and I grab the garbage bag from him. "Go up and get showered. I'll do what I can about the mess before she gets here, all right?" His shoulders sag a little bit, and the expression on his face is telling me that he feels a little stupid for freaking out. "Sorry," he whispers. "I guess I'm kind of high strung this morning." I think that's probably my fault. I mean, maybe he woke up with me laying on him and got all confused. It's probably really unhealthy that I slept here on the couch with him. Madison would probably stab me if she knew, and I'm sure Lynn wouldn't be pleased at all. "I shouldn't' have slept here," I sigh. "It's my fault, so just…don't worry okay? I'll just put my hair up in a rag and grab a bucket so it looks like I've been cleaning. If she gets pissed, she gets pissed. I can take the fall." I sound like a damn moron right now, trying to protect him from his mommy's scolding words. After all this time, I don't know why he's so terrified of her anymore. I mean, they've been bonding a little bit, and he's not as cold to her as he was in the beginning. I figured that was good, that maybe Lynn wouldn't worry so much and wouldn't' call him twelve times a day. But since she's come here, her calls haven't really eased up all that much. She doesn't' call past eight, which I guess is good. But during the day Justin's cell rings at least once an hour, and Lynn is only staying about ten miles away with a friend. Sometimes I think she's just a little too much, but I don't say anything. I know that Lynn and Justin have always been a team. When I first sat down with her, she told me a little bit about Justin's childhood and his rise to fame with NSYNC. It seemed like her son was also her best friend, which to me was a little strange, but I didn't let it show. After all, my mother and I barely got along so who was I to judge Lynn and Justin's relationship anyway? He turns slightly, like he's going to listen to what I've told him to do, so I start picking up trash and dirty clothes as fast as I can, all the while making a plan of what to tell Lynn if she asks what I have planned out for today. Let's see…grocery store, tidy up the house, mail some letters, return some calls on the answering machine(even though I never check the thing, Justin hates when I do), and that should be enough to satisfy her I think. If not, I guess I'll have to try harder next time or something. "Hey, Mel." His voice is soft, and full of caution. It's like he's too nervous to talk to me right now, and I feel a sinking feeling form in the pit of my stomach. This isn't good. I've made Justin feel insecure and that's exactly what I've been trying to prevent this whole time. Fuck, why did I give in to my emotions like that? I'm supposed to be strong and together…cry behind closed doors. But last night I let him know exactly how I am on the inside, just because I didn't know any other good alternative to make him feel better about Madison and the whole story he told me about some girl he grew up with. I figured if he knew I wasn't all together a hundred percent of the time, he'd calm down and feel a little bit less like the freak I know he thinks he is. But I guess I was wrong. I guess I should have patted him on the shoulder, told him he was a good boy like everybody else, and gone to bed. "Yeah." "It's not bad…that you were here all night," he says, managing to look me in the eyes. "If…if I'd known you were scared and shit, I probably would have had you over awhile ago. I…I don't want you to be alone if you're…you know…damaged or…" "I'm not damaged," I grunt. God, now I'm on the defensive. It's pissing me off that he's been exposed to my weak side. That he knows I crack just as easily as he does. The last thing I need is a pity party from Justin. He has his own issues that are far from being resolved and I'm not about to saddle him with my past or my present issues. It's not right, and I'm…I don't think I'm even ready to let him in any further than I have. I'm slipping. I know it now. It's been too long that I've gone without having a good…close friend that I can confide in. Justin is a great target, because he's alone and vulnerable. Well I'm not doing that to him. I'm not exposing him to shit that he cant' handle. And I'm not exposing myself to anymore shit I can't handle. "Okay." He seems very uneasy as he stares down at the floor. "I just know how you feel, that's all." "Nobody knows how I feel," I say, trying not to sound too bitter. I can't help it though. He can't just figure me out overnight, even though he probably thinks he can. "I don't mean to come off with an attitude about it, Justin. But…you just can't know everything about me because I fell asleep on your chest." "You're pushing me away," he says with a glare. "I thought last night was an important step for us, Melanie. I told you a lot…and…" "Yeah you did," I say, with a sigh. "And I'm glad that you did Justin. I know how hard it is for you to talk about things with people, especially somebody like me. But my issues are just my issues. I…I just got too into the moment." "Why do you always hide, when you let your emotions out a little?," he questions, harshly. "You're allowed to do it too, Mel. I don't always have to be the one that gets to feel a little bit better, you should know that. You should know that…I'm here for you." He shoves his hands in his pockets and rocks back on his heels a little. "And I'd never…you know…make you feel bad about things you've done or been through." He's confused, that's all it is. It's like he wants to care about me like I care about him, but he doesn't understand that it's part of my job to care. I do value him as much as I can as a friend, but I'd never let him see the real, true, honest me. Last night I almost let it happen, so I'll be more careful from now on. But the girl he saw last night…she was just a shell of the real me. Nothing compared to Melanie Parker form Michigan. I don't think anybody really knows her anymore. It's like she's been replaced with this weird, emotional freak, who hides like a troll in her dark bedroom at night. She thinks she can't amount to anything, and reminds herself of that when she's by herself in her dark bedroom. But when she leaves her house in the morning she holds her head up high, because she's been taught how to live two ways. And it's good for her. Because if anybody knew…how disgusting she was… She wouldn't exist at all. "I know you wouldn't." It's the most I can say, because I don't want to put him down, and I don't want his feelings about me to build anymore than they have. If he thinks he's making a difference in my life, and making me feel better…that's good. It's good that he feels accomplished, and I'm a great actress. So it's still working out despite the fact that I'm fake as hell. "Thank you for everything last night. I…I appreciate it." That part was genuine. He smiles slightly. "I'll be down quick. If she comes just…you know, let her in and tell her I took a late jog or something." "Will do," I reassure him, and make sure to watch him run upstairs so I don't have to worry about him spewing some sentimental comments over the railing. Then…it's work mode. I clean up the living room as quick as I can, and I have to say it doesn't look as bad as it could for a ten minute cleanup. I toss the dirty clothes into the hamper in the laundry room, put the trash outside, and concentrate the rest of my efforts on the kitchen. I sigh heavily. I didn't realize I hadn't' cleaned up the kitchen after our dinner last night. Thank god for dishwashers I guess, because that's where I put everything with food stuck to it. My hope is, Lynn wont bother to inspect it for an empty rack. But then again, she's not really that anal. She's more of visual person, which is good for people like me who have to make quick cleanups after messy people like Justin. I've just stopped vacuuming the living room when Justin reemerges from upstairs. He looks a lot different today. He's wearing a tight muscle tee shirt, with some kind of crazy picture on it, jeans of course, and some sandals. He actually shaved, and I can't deny the fact that I'm shocked. He looks really refreshed too, something I haven't seen yet since I've been here. I guess I'm wrong by saying he looks different. I think…I think I can say he looks normal. Normal as in, he could go pose for a magazine cover right now with no issues. He looks like he gets sleep, and that he eats. He looks like Justin Timberlake. Not Justin…mental patient. "Look who's rejoined society," I smile at him as he reaches where I stand. He laughs softly. "What do you mean?" I punch him in the shoulder lightly. "Ya look good, kid." He gives me the most bewildered look I've ever seen, but there's no time for me to explain myself because I hear a car roar up the driveway now, and I know Lynn has finally arrived. "It was more like a half hour, Justin," I say, mockingly. "Next time I wont rush as much." "Hey, I was just looking out for us," he says, a little too seriously, and wanders over to the front door. "You know how she gets." I just shrug. Really, I think he was probably paranoid over nothing. But considering last night, I wont blame him or laugh at him for how he's acting. Justin opens the door for his mother, and I'm overwhelmed almost immediately. Not only is she standing there, smiling like everything is just fucking great, but she has two little puppies in her arms as well. They're yapping and wriggling around in her arms, and I'm just…in shock. Why in the world would she buy Justin pets? Can't she see that he's hardly able to take care of himself? I cross my arms and groan miserably under my breath. I know what this means. It means more shit that I have to take care of and clean up after. God, and I hate to be a bitch like this too. I know the dogs will make Justin happy. I can already tell by the look on his face and the way he's laughing as the puppies continue to yap and lick at Lynn's face. I'm just not in the mood to take on the responsibility of taking care of them. I'm sure they weren't cheap, and are going to need all kinds of vitamins and special visits to the vet. "Mel, look at this," Justin motions me over with a wave of his hand, and flashes me a huge smile. "Look at what my mom got for me." With a forced smile I walk over to where they are standing and survey the scene. Justin is holding both dogs in his arms now, laughing as they lick his face and bite at his fingers. I steal a glance at Lynn, who looks like she's never seen anything so precious in her life. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, but I don't let my emotions show. "Wow." It's all I can say, without letting onto the fact that I'm annoyed. "They're boxers," Lynn explains, as Justin proceeds to kneel on the floor and play with his new found friends. "I got them from this wonderful lady up in Napa. She met with me just this morning. They have their papers and everything. From what she told me, their mother was once a Westminster champion. I was only going to take one originally," she smiles. "But they were playing together and it was just so adorable, I figured the house had more than enough room for two." I nod a little, and glance down at the trio on the floor again. Justin is lying on his back now, and the dogs are just…all over him. They're licking his face and neck, sliding off of him onto the floor, and clambering back up on his chest again. I'll admit, they are adorable puppies. But I'm sure they are far from house broken, and one day those puppies are going to be big…dogs. Honestly, what was Lynn even thinking about? And why didn't she tell me she was going to get Justin a dog before hand so I could better prepare myself? "Well they're adorable," I say, as positively as I can. "Justin's going to have a great time with them." She looks down at her son, who is as oblivious to our conversation as a five year old would be right now. Honestly, I've never seen Justin like this before. You'd think he was on cloud nine, the way he's acting. You wouldn't' think he had a care in the world, and I know…I know that's why Lynn did this. I know that animals can be therapeutic, and can help relieve stress. That's important for Justin right now, and it's probably one of the only reasons why Lynn has sprung this so suddenly on us. I feel pretty crappy for being annoyed, I guess I just have a lot on my mind and I don't feel like having to tend to the needs of two puppies, when I already have to do so much with Justin as it is. Maybe I'm wrong. I mean maybe…this will teach Justin to take on some responsibility for something other than himself. I just don't know, but I guess I'll find out how he reacts when they start howling at three in the morning because they don't want to be crated. If I get a knock on my door, I think I'll flip out on him. Lynn's cell phone starts to ring then, and as she pulls it out of her purse and looks at the ID, her smile turns into a frown. "God, I have to take this," she groans. "It's Johnny…so, I'll be back okay?" I nod, and she rushes away to answer her phone call. Justin hasn't even noticed. He's laughing now, probably harder than I've ever heard him laugh before. It's so weird that something as insignificant as a couple of puppies could put him in this good of a mood, but I guess I shouldn't be complaining. This is a good thing for him, and I should just be happy and keep my mouth shut about how annoyed I am. "This one's a girl, Mel. Look." He holds the dog up so I can get a closer look, and I smile and sit down on the floor beside him. "They're nice," I say, trying not to sound aggravated. "Your mom was sweet to get them." "I had black Labrador when I was a kid. He was my grandparents dog though…Bandit." He doesn't look at me as he tells me this though, he's still looking at his dogs with a stupid smile on his face. "But after he died I didn't really have much time for a dog with all the stuff I was doing." I nod a little, knowing that the memory is important to him and that really…he's probably wanted to get a dog for a long time now. "It's a big responsibility though, you know," I say quietly, stealing a glance over my shoulder to make sure Lynn isn't within earshot. "Two puppies." The brightness fades from his eyes a little bit. "You think I can't handle two little dogs, Mel?" "It's not that," I lie. "It's just…you know... we've been working on getting you better first, before you start doing other things…that's all." "You act like I'm adopting a kid." He puts the puppy he was holding down on the floor beside the other one. "They're just dogs, Mel. I think I can at least handle that without screwing it up," he snaps, like I've hurt him or something. "Well, I'm not going to be the one walking them at all hours of the night, or cleaning up after them when they pee all over the place." I roll my eyes and force a serious expression for him. While last night was…different, and while I know Justin is really happy having the dogs here, I'm not going to just sit back and watch the chaos unfold. I know somebody has to be the responsible one here, otherwise the whole house is going to stink like animal waste in a matter of days. "They're you're responsibility, Justin…" I pause when one of the puppies wanders over to me and scratches at my leg with it's paw. It wants to be held, and I find myself reaching toward it before I catch myself. No…no I'm not going to cave. "I'm not going to walk them or feed them," I say, shifting away from the animal. "I want that understood, okay?" Justin lies flat on his back again and lifts one of the dogs into the air. "Fine. Whatever." He rocks the dog back and forth in the air and calls it a good boy, trying to pretend that I'm not even there. Well fine. He'll learn the hard way. The sound of the door swinging open immediately grabs my attention, and I'm forced to look away from Justin. Eric ducks through the door, knocking on it a couple of times and laughing a little as he closes it behind him. "Who's ready for some basketball?" I push myself up from the floor, and stare at Justin's burly bodyguard like he's speaking another language. As far as I know, today was supposed to be a simple day, without visitors. Now it's turning into a circus with Lynn, the dogs, and now Eric all here. It's not a bad thing that Justin has company of course, but I really thought that i was going to be able to slink away to my guest house today, and think about what happened last night. Yea, I'm still really uneasy about it and the fact that I haven't had a chance to sit and really think about all of this yet is making me very agitated. Still, I force a smile for Eric, knowing that if I don't it will sour everybody's mood very quickly. "Oh, hey Eric. I didn't know you were coming over." A whimpering at my feet causes me to look down momentarily and I sigh a little bit. The puppy that isn't being held is at my feet now, scratching at my foot for some attention. Reluctantly, I pick it up, not wanting to seem like a debbie downer in front of Eric. The puppy licks my face a little bit, and I can't help the small smile that forms on my lips a moment later. I steal a glance at Justin and roll my eyes. He's watching me now, the smirk on his face telling me that my supposed dislike for his new "toys" is being short lived. Whatever, it won't be so cute when I end up doing all the work myself. "Well uh.." Eric sits on the couch and looks around the room for a few moments. I know this was planned now, probably by Lynn. But why? Lynn didn't mention that anything was going on today, or that Justin had to go anywhere. I hate being in the dark. "I just came to hang out, watch the game with J," he tells me after awhile. "You down with that J?" Justin takes his focus from the puppy in his arms for a moment. "What?" "The game," Eric laughs. "Oh." Justin says, uninterested, and looks back at the puppy. "Yeah, sure." I'm about to tell Eric that Justin is probably going to be preoccupied with his new friends for most of the day, but I'd be happy to watch the game with him instead. But then Lynn walks out from the opposite hallway, looking annoyed as she flips her cell phone closed. "That man worries about the stupidest little things," she groans. "He was bitching, mom?" Its the first time he's taken his focus from the puppies since they were brought through the door, and his tone seems strained too. I haven't really pried into Justin's professional life much. The most he's told me when the subject has come up, is that the entertainment business is a stressful one, and that sometimes you can never please people, no matter how hard you work or how much money you make. I try not to bring up his career because of this. He's stressed out enough without having to worry about work. But its apparent now, that he does worry about it. He just doesn't discuss it with me. "We'll talk later," Lynn reassures him. "It's nothing that cant be resolved." She's looking at me now, like I'm supposed to say something encouraging. But what the hell am I supposed to say? I tend to stay out of Justin and Lynn's personal business if I can. I just don't feel like I play a part in it. I put the puppy down next to Justin, and smile a little bit. "Is there anything I can do Lynn?" She smiles. "I actually came here to take you out," she tells me. "So get changed and let's go." She grabs her purse and heads out the door. Justin doesn't seem to notice really, he's still interested in the puppies. I look to Eric for an answer but he just smiles and shrugs, before telling me to have a good time. "So I'll be back later, okay Justin?" I grab my purse off of the coffee table, having left it there last night. "Yeah, okay Mel." He doesn't look at me. I guess I've been demoted. I quickly get changed and freshen up before meeting Lynn in the driveway. She's in a convertible, and I'm figuring she must have rented it because the other day she was driving an SUV. "This is nice," I say nervously as I get in and fasten my seatbelt. I should be happy that Lynn has decided to take me out with her. Although, it might be because she needs me to be her assistant today, but it doesn't really matter. I think I need to get out of the house anyway. It will help me clear my head and take my mind off of....well, last night. She laughs at me. "You haven't seen it? It's been sitting in Justin's garage for months." I feel myself blush. I hate to admit it, but even though I've been at Justin's for as long as I have, I still haven't explored all that much. The house is huge. If you count the finished basement it has three floors and a four car garage. I usually stick to the downstairs area and the upstairs, bedroom side. I should probably yell at Justin for not having given me a proper tour, but I don't really see why it matters. Honestly, what Justin owns has never been that important to me. The fact that he's so successful obviously hasn't helped him, mentality wise. If it had, he wouldn't be such a wreck half the time. Maybe its bold of me to think this way, but I think Justin's career is a big part of the reason he can't fend for himself. "I guess the house...it's just too big," I chuckle stupidly and look out the window. For the first time today I'm able to take a breath and let everything sink in. It feels good for a moment, but then I remember last night...what happened, and I realize just how uncomfortable the situation has made me. "I told him that," Lynn laughs. "But you know Justin. He gets what he wants." I don't respond. There are a lot of ways I could take that comment, and most of them are bad. Justin does get what he wants. Madison even told me that, and so did Justin. He told me how he thinks he really is, how he's fucked up, and how manipulative he can be. But I just decided to look the other way last night, let myself lean on him and let him hold me. It's so dangerous, but I know if I was given the same opportunity tonight, if I could relive last night even...I'd do it again. What does that mean though? That I trust Justin? That's a given. But...but what's really scaring me is that I could probably fall for him if things keep going like this. I just don't know how to handle that. I should look the other way... Or run... But I'm too far in now. Lynn doesn't seem to notice how quiet I am though, and I'm assuming she's either too caught up in her own life, or she doesn't want my mood to bring her down. She makes small talk and I laugh and force pleasant answers to her questions as we drive. I don't ask where we're going, because it doesn't really matter anyway. Its terrible but, I kind of just want this outing to be over with so I can go home and try to sort out my brain. Of course that would require me hiding from Justin all night, but I think I'd have to. I just need to think about things for awhile. We end up at a mall. I think Lynn tells me its called the Westside Shopping Pavilion. I don't really care either way. Los Angeles to me, seems like such an impersonal, materialistic city. I get why Justin never wants to go out down here. There are people everywhere. Too many of them. And the idea of him coming to this mall with us is entirely out of the question. As we walk through the doors all I can think is how badly I'd rather be home on the couch, watching the game with Justin and Eric and fighting about puppies and responsibility. But I try to snap out of the vision as best I can. Lynn, after all, is my boss. And as long as I'm out with her I should probably act like the professional woman that she hired, and not some irresponsible little girl. After Lynn enthusiastically cons me into joining her for one of those tiny espresso shots from Starbucks, I find myself getting lost inside Macy's with her. I've never really been a shopper. Back in high school I used to go to the mall, but I never had much money to spend then. I'd usually hang out with my friends in the food court, and once in awhile one of the guys would buy me some new outfits if they really wanted to get on my good side. Those days seem so long ago though, and really, I have no interest in remembering that part of my life. I follow Lynn around, watching her as she picks things and gives them to the girl that had obviously been called in advance to help Lynn shop. Its the strangest thing, watching people cater to Justin and his family like they are some kind of royalty. Even in Best Buy, despite Justin's quiet manner, the management had bent over backwards to make sure he was completely taken care of. It's no wonder so many people want to live this lifestyle. If only they knew of the consequences. Hours pass, and I try not to cringe as Lynn swipes her credit card yet again. This time she's bought a pocketbook. Before, she had us spend about an hour an a half in the mens department picking out some new clothes and a suit for Justin, as if he needs anymore material things in that house of his. It's starting to get tiring, following her around. I know I shouldn't be ungrateful. I am, after all, getting paid. But I feel like such a...peasant, if that makes sense. Lynn said she wanted to take me out, but all she really had to say was 'come watch me shop, Melanie.' At least I would have been prepared. I mean, there are a lot of things I could have accomplished at the house today if she hadn't invited me. Like fighting about dogs with Justin. I feel like an idiot because I'm smiling now. "Melanie. I think this would look fabulous on you," she grins, holding up a little red sundress and thrusting it towards me. "You should try it on." She's laughing, and so I take it to be nice, but I'm cringing on the inside. It has a plunging neckline that I'm sure would accent my figure and cleavage nicely. I"m not into that whole...body showing off thing though. Not anymore at least. I feel so sick about it in fact, that I nearly hand the dress back to her. But when I look her in the eyes, and see how happy that this idea has made her, I can't tell her no. I just feel bad. It's rare that I see Lynn this way...smiling and happy. Who am I to spoil her mood? "Sure," I say, trying to hide the anxiety in my voice. We go to the dressing room together, as Lynn has some things she wants to try on too, and she makes small talk in the room next to me. I barely hear her as I change into the dress. It's something about Los Angeles and her sister. Hell if I know. The only thing I"m thinking about right now, is how long it's been since I've seen myself in any kind of revealing outfit. I know the last time was....that night, and I shudder as I stare back at myself in the mirror. The visions of that horrible night are clear in my mind, and I pull up on the dress, ready to rip it off in disgust. I'm near tears, but then... "Melanie, come out here so I can see you!" I take a long breath. I really don't want to go out there, because if Lynn likes how I look I'm going to have to get the dress so she won't feel bad. Then she'll expect me to wear it god knows where, and shit...I'm sure Justin will be around. I can't handle that. I dont want him to see...more than I choose to let him see now. "Be right out!," I call back, in that sickeningly fake tone of voice I used when I'm most annoyed. Hopefully Lynn hasn't noticed. It takes me a few minutes, but I finally muster up enough courage to reemerge from the dressing room. Lynn is standing before me, in one of the skirt and blouse combinations that she picked out. The look on her face when she sets eyes on me is something I'm not really accustomed to. I think the only other time I can remember another person looking at me that way, was my grandmother on the night of my senior prom. She'd been proud, as she'd never attended her own high school prom when she'd been a girl and had jumped at the aspect of helping me find a dress when a boy in my class had asked me to be his date. I remember we spent hours at the department store looking for the right dress, and when we finally found it she'd even taken the time at home to take in it at all the right places. I think it's the only time my grandmother and I acted like some sort of family. When I'd come down to meet my date that night there had been tears in her eyes. She'd hugged me, given me a kiss, and told me to have the time of my life. I looked back at her, trying to picture how she'd looked at my own mother when she'd been my age. Part of me wondered if she missed it...regretted things about my mom's childhood. I didn't ask then, or ever. All I could do was thank her, pose for a picture with my date and go to the prom. I'd never felt so wanted by her, so loved. And I never got the opportunity to again. "You look so cute," Lynn smiles and instructs me to turn around a couple of times before smiling in approval. "This is one reason why I always wished Justin was a girl." We both laugh. "What do you think, Mel? Do you like it?" I look at myself in the mirror again. A part of me allows myself to think good things...that I look pretty. That I owe it to myself to dress up every now and then, and have some fun. But then that feeling of dread takes over again, telling me I better just be careful and throw on my jeans and button up shirt again. "I dunno," I admit, sheepishly. "It is sort of....revealing. I dont even know where I'd wear it." "Honey." Lynn says, in a soothing, motherly tone, and comes up behind me. I feel her rub her hand on my back a little bit, and I'm not used to it. I nearly pull away, because I'm such a mess when it comes to human touch...but I stop myself. "You're a beautiful girl, Melanie." I meet her gaze, and she stares back at me like she knows exactly what I've been through. Like she knows why I dont wear make up or try to beautify myself when I go out of the house. I wonder what my mother told her. I...I would really hope she wouldn't have said anything about the rape. But knowing my mother, she probably wouldn't' have. She wouldn't have wanted to ruin her squeaky clean image, and let somebody know that something tragic had happened to her sweet, perfect, daughter. "Thanks." It sounds stupid, but I don't know what else to say to her. I know she's trying...that we haven't had much time to sit around and talk. I mean, Lynn barely knows anything about my personality. Hell she barely knows how much progress Justin and I have made together...that we're a team. I dont even know how I'd tell her, because I know she wouldn't get it. What Justin and I do is our thing. And I'm smiling again.... "We'll get the dress." She brushes her hand against my cheek a little, and winks at me. "And, I want to let you know how happy I am that you've stayed and...put up with everything for all this time. I dont get to say it enough, or see you enough. But I can just see it...for the first time, you know? My son...he's changed so much, because of you." She hugs me and I dont really know what to do. Granted, Justin has changed but I dont think it's only because of me. He needed somebody to tell him to stop acting like an idiot and move on with his life....force him to do it even. But the rest has all been up to him. She doesn't see that. She views him as a child, and that's really annoying and stupid to me, but I cant tell her all of that. She's happy, for the first time in a long time. For the first time...she and Justin are getting back on track, from what I can tell. And she feels better knowing that I'm around for him. "It's nothing." I smile softly as I pull away from her. She's crying of course, and I really feel like I matter. It's been a long time since I've felt like I matter. We change again, and Lynn pays for the rest of the clothes. The manager asks her if she needs her packages brought out to her car, which of course was parked by valet, and naturally Lynn obliges. Next we end up at the pet store. Lynn says she wants to accessorize the dogs, and I smile, but I really feel like rolling my eyes instead. "So," she says, picking up a water dish and surveying it for a few moments. "I'm assuming that Justin told you about Tennessee." Her remark confuses me. I'm not really sure what she means. Yes, we've had the conversation and Justin has repeatedly told me he doesn't want to go back there. But I dont see what that has to do anything. "Well...," I begin softly, toying with a plastic food bowl. "He's mentioned that he doesn't want to go back there, in the past." Lynn nods a little bit. "There's a wedding coming up. It was hard, but I convinced Justin that he should go down. It's only a few weeks away." I"m surprised Justin wouldn't have mentioned something like that to me, after he told me all the reasons why he's so against going back in the first place. I feel myself frown in disappointment. I guess I underestimated him. I guess some things are just too personal for him to share with me. Who the hell am I kidding? I'm really starting to like him, a lot more than I should, and things are getting to my head. Justin has a personal, private life outside of our friendship and I just need to realize that and stop acting like an idiot. "That's a pretty big step for him," I tell her. "Going back home and dealing with family." "I know." She puts the dish down and looks at me. "That's why I want you to go with us." Oh no. There's no way. I mean, meeting Trace and getting the third degree from him was bad enough without having to deal with the rest of his extended family and friends. I wouldn't fit in. I'm just not good in social situations anymore, and I think Justin really needs to go down there and focus on himself for awhile, get through a week without me. Besides, that would be a great week for me to catch up on myself. It would be nice I think...just to get away from all of this for a little while. "Oh Lynn, I dunno," I say quickly. "I mean...." "Madison spoke to me about what happened the other day," she interrupts me with a frown. "And I listened. I understand her points, Melanie. But at the same time, I couldn't agree with her, because Justin hasn't been this happy since before...what happened. Madison didn't help him to get there either. You did. I...I feel like you should be there. Not just because Justin needs you, either. I...I feel like you're almost a part of the family now." My mouth hangs open a little. How the hell am I supposed to tell her no now? She's basically just told me that Madison was wrong, and I'm a part of her family. It's crazy. It's so crazy but it makes me feel amazing at the same time. "Lynn..." She takes my hands in hers and flashes me a genuine smile. "You dont have to say yes right away. I know that I'm asking a lot from you, and meeting people in a situation like that is nerve wracking. Just...think about it okay? Think about it and let me know." I nod. It's the best I can do. All I can really think about is how annoyed I am that Justin didn't tell me about this to begin with. He must have known that Lynn would mention it to me. Did he just forget? Did last night confuse him that much? Or was he planning to tell me today? Knowing him he was probably trying to plot out the perfect ploy in his mind, that would force me to come with him. Suddenly I'm thankful that Lynn decided to tell me first. Justin wont be able to catch me off guard now. Although, I'm sure he knows other ways of getting me to do what he wants.... "I'll think about it," I reassure her. "I promise, Lynn." My answer seems to please her, and the rest of our shopping excursion is filled with nothing more than mindless chatter about dogs, fashion, and local gossip. It's fun and laid back...finally. And that's good. It means I wont be as stressed to talk to Justin when I get home. And I have to have a level head then. It's nearly five when we get back. Lynn tells me she has a dinner meeting with some executive from Justin's label, but that she'll be back tomorrow. I'm thankful. At least now I'll be able to talk to Justin alone, without looking over my shoulder every five minutes. With a wave and a beep she's gone, and I go back into the house. Eric is still sitting on the couch, but Justin isn't with him. I peer ahead and I can see him seated on the back porch in one of the chairs. "How was the day?," I ask Eric, as I put my bags down on the coffee table. "Well he's out on the porch with those damn dogs now," he sighs. "He got some call before though, it seemed to upset him a little bit. I tried to talk to him, but he didn't really want to talk about it so I let it go." He pushes himself off the couch and walks closer to me. "Hey, is it okay if I take off? I'm supposed to meet a friend for dinner, unless Lynn still needs you." Eric cares and he means well. I feel bad for him most of the time, because he has to spend so much time hanging around Justin, when I'm sure there's a lot of other things he'd rather be doing. "Oh yeah, thats fine," I say, nodding a little bit. "Thanks for staying the day." "It's not an issue." He reassures me with a small smile. "You're helping out a lot, girl. I hope you know that." I just shrug. It's like I'm a god send to these people sometimes. "It's just my job." "Talk to you soon." He heads to the door and opens it, before turning back to face me. "If you need something, make sure you call me, aight?" "I will." I watch him leave until the door closes behind him, and a disheartening silence fills Justin's living room. Only the soft murmur of the television gives any insight that something was actually happening in this house today. I turn towards the kitchen and peer out the back door again. I can still see Justin sitting in the chair, slouched. The dogs are wandering around too, mindlessly sniffing around. I feel like biting my fingernails because I know the gate leading into the yard isn't closed, but I know I need to give Justin some credit and hope he'd stop them from wandering off. I debate how to handle this situation for a few moments. I know sometimes Justin needs his personal space, and I know there's about a thousand things I could do besides go out there and try to get him to talk to me. I could actually have a nice night all to myself. But then I think about how sad he probably is, how he spent the day basically alone, and I start to feel like I need to do something about it. I can't push him, I know that. But I think just the fact that I'd be sitting beside him, watching the sunset would be enough to comfort him, even in a small way. I decide to take a risk and go offer to make him some food, since I know I'm hungry too and I doubt that he ate much of anything today. I approach the sliding glass door with caution, and open it quietly so I won't startle him. It doesn't really matter though, the moment puppy number one lays its big brown eyes on me it starts to jump around and bark, causing its partner in crime to do the same. I see Justin jump a little bit, but when he eyes me he relaxes into the chair again. I step out onto the porch, doing the best I can not to step on little doggie feet and heads as I take a seat beside Justin. "Hey, it's late," I speak up softly. "I was thinking about fixing a couple of sandwiches or frying up some hot dogs. What do you think?" He doesn't look at me. His gaze is focused somewhere in the distance, and even though I cant see his entire face I can tell that he's more than just upset. Something is really bothering him, and I wish I was a mind reader...I wish I could say something to make him snap out of the mood. "That sounds cool," he says, miserably. It's quiet and awkward again in a matter of seconds. I open my mouth to start in with some questioning about what's going on with him, but stop when I feel something warm and wet slide up my leg. I look down and of course the two fuzz balls are gathered around my feet, sniffing at my shoes, licking my bare legs, and tugging at my shoelaces. This time I dont think about having to clean up dog pee, or taking them for long walks. I just focus on how cute they are, because I'm sure that's what's been keeping Justin sane the entire time he's been sitting out here. I reach down and scratch each puppy on the head, receiving a few licks and gnaws on the fingers in return. One of them yaps when I take my hand away, and I laugh a little. "How are the babies?" "Well one of them peed," he informs me, finally able to look me in the eye. "But low and behold, I figured out how to clean it up." He rolls his eyes, and looks back into the distance again. I don't let his attitude sour my mood. I know I can't because that's what he wants. I think he figures if he's in a bad mood, getting other people to feel the same way benefits him or something. It's fucked up, but I'm sure it makes him feel better. Too bad I'm the one person that doesn't put up with that kind of garbage. "Oh! I get it. We're playing the sarcastic game tonight, huh?" "Well, you seemed to think I wasn't capable of doing anything right this morning," he grunts. I hate when he gets like this. The minute his feelings are hurt, or he feels insecure he turns everything around on the person thats trying to help him...from his mother right on down the line. It's the reason he's alone, and the reason he's such a miserable person. "Look, I know you're annoyed about something." The tone of my voice raises a little bit as I say it to him. "Dont turn it around on me." "Whatever, Mel." From what happened last night, to being placed in a panic this morning, to walking around all day putting on a happy face for Lynn...I'm completely shot. I'm not saying that Justin needs to be fake and hide his feelings from me. But it would have been nice to come home to a person that wasn't so hell bent on making everybody he knows angry and miserable. I feel like I should just go back inside...but that girl....the one that fell asleep with him on the couch last night, she just can't leave him. I want to strangle her. "You know, Justin. I've had a long ass day. You got to sit home with Eric, and play with the dogs while I had to go out shopping with your mom for eight hours. I hate shopping, and I was tired, not to mention the fact that I didn't have a chance to get over her barging in on us this morning with the dogs. I mean they're sweet and fun ,but they're also a big responsibility. I just wanted you to realize that. And fuck...." I trail off, trying to keep myself composed and together, but now he's staring at me. I got him to pay attention and I dont want him to lose focus. I guess...i guess if we're going to talk about last night now is probably the best time. We're alone, he's listening, and I'm on my high horse. Tomorrow, I'm sure I wont be able to be so bold. "I can't help that I was a little bit freaked out about waking up on your couch with you," I say quickly. "So I'm sorry if I had an attitude this morning. I was just concerned about having to clean up the mess that I know the dogs are going to make, because I can barely get you to clean up after yourself. But still...none of this gives you the right to act the way you're acting towards me right now. All I want to do is fix you dinner and go home, so can I just do that....please, without hearing anything from you about what I did or didn't do the right way?" Justin sits in what seems to be stunned silence for awhile after that. I dont think he expects me to ramble off as much as I do sometimes, and I have to admit it's one of my many downfalls. If I know you....I can talk your head off. In high school my friends couldn't get me to shut up, and I was happy then. So if I can ramble this much when I'm this fucked up, I guess I know how annoying I can really be sometimes. I'd apologize to Justin, but at the moment I dont really want to give him the satisfaction. He is being kind of an ass. "You can just go home if you want," he says, very softly. "I can make something if I get hungry." Justin is a good person. I can see it in his eyes, even at a time like this. Somewhere inside of him, there's a warm, funny, lovable guy. Somebody that everybody likes, makes friends easily, and loves to have fun. The problem is, somehow, that guy has gotten lost and replaced with this person who's confused and unsure of himself. I wish I could make Justin look in the mirror and find himself again, but I know how hard that is. I know what it's like to wake up in the morning and feel emptier inside than you did the previous day. Still, we've been making progress and it kills me when he shuts me out now a days. I guess I just feel that I'm an important aspect of his life now.... But do I really know Justin that well? "Eric said that you were fine until you got a phone call in the afternoon," I say. "So what's up? You can sit here and pout all night if you want to, I understand and I'm not going to force you to put on a happy face. I just want to know who was on the phone." He sighs heavily and rubs his eyes. "This is why I told him not to say anything." "What?" "I don't need to be fucking interrogated," he spits, and I know all his anxiety is finally being released. "I'm just tired of everybody telling me who I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do." He looks down and pulls at the bottom of his tee shirt. "It's not my fault that I can't do it right now," he whispers. I remember the phone call Lynn got this morning before we left. How she came back complaining that Johnny had been difficult. Justin had seem to jump at the thought, and his expression was filled with worry. I dont have any idea what it takes to be in the music business, and I really don't want to know. But if it effects Justin this badly and makes him an emotional wreck, I'd like to know who the hell his management thinks they are to be pushy with him right now. "This is about work," I say, knowingly. "Right?" "Of course it is." He shakes his head in disgust. "Well, I mean, if you wanna talk about it...." He waves his hand at me. "I make you deal with enough stuff, Mel." "But I get paid to deal with stuff." I chuckle lightly and sink lower into the chair. "Besides, I thought we decided last night that me and you were friends, and that goes beyond me working here." He's quiet for a moment, seeming to debate what I've just said to him. I think if he could, he'd tell me a lot more about himself...about his life, than he really has. I think Justin has always been a private person in general so he's not used to talking to people about his issues that are outside his normal circle of friends. That, combined with the fact that he was put through a hellish ordeal, makes him close himself off. I get it, I do. It's just disheartening....especially right now, when he acts like he can't talk to me about this kind of thing. Then again...I keep a lot from him too. "My mom told Johnny I was going home...." He flinches at what he's just told me, because he knows that he conveniently avoided telling me about his decision to go home from the beginning. I could be mad, but right now, I dont see a point. "Your mom told me," I say quietly. "It's okay." "I should have told you though," he nods. "It's something we've discussed. There's no reason why I should have kept it from you." I shrug. "It's really not a big deal Justin. What is a big deal, is the fact that you're sitting out here looking like you want to crawl into a hole and never come out again. I know people demand a lot of you and want you to be their go to guy for certain things. But your life has changed...considerably, you know? You've been through some shit and hey, maybe it sucks that you haven't gotten over it yet. But they can't expect you to just bounce back like a robot. And if they think you can, if they want to treat you like you're not a human being...then I'm sorry, but fuck them." I eye him quickly. He seems to be listening to my rant, which I guess is good. But then again...he might just be doing it so I'll seem satisfied and leave him alone when I'm done. "You have to do what you want to do, what makes you happy," I continue. "And you don't have to make other people happy Justin, because if you keep trying to pacify everybody else, you'll lose yourself in the process and everything we've been doing....all the progress you've made, will be wasted." I bite my lip, and when he doesn't say anything, I let out a nervous laugh. "And now I feel like a motivational speaker. Do you think I should go on Montel?" He stares at me for a few moments, and just as I think that I've made a complete ass out of myself...he starts to smile. Then he laughs, a completely genuine laugh. It's filled with warmth and I'm reminded that Justin isn't so cold. That...the genuinely happy person buried underneath all of his pain is still around in some form. I want to know him...embrace him... I want to be his friend too. "Where did you come from?," he whispers with a smile. "Neptune," I laugh, not quite looking him in the eye. "Next question." "I don't know," he sighs. "He just....wanted me to go home a few days early to do a fucking show. And you know, I'm in no state of mind to do that sort of thing, so I told him that I couldn't do it. He got pissed, and I just wasn't in the mood to hear him tell me that my career was at stake and I wasn't as important to the label as I thought. It hurt me you know? I've brought in so much money for those people over the years. I figured they'd understand what's been going on and that I need time." He rubs his hands together and lets out a long breath, before closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the chair. It's not fair. I feel like I should climb up on a soap box, megaphone in my hand and preach my thoughts about Justin's situation to the world....but of course that's not logical. I just...I can't understand the entertainment business. If Justin were just a regular guy, nobody would care how often he stayed at home, trying to overcome what happened to him. But because he makes other people money...because their bank accounts depend on his output, they'll give him hell for trying to take care of himself. I cross my arms and shake my head. "That pisses me off," I finally say, the anger in my voice apparent. "I can't say like...that I really listened to your music before. I was never really into music like that...." I wince a little bit. I don't mean to bruise his ego or anything, but I'm really not into popular music. I like indie rock, jazz...things like that. I never thought it would matter until now. But he just snickers. "It's cool, Mel." "I knew who you were," I point out, for good measure. "And now that I know you, I can tell how hard you worked to get where you are today. So fuck them if they think you don't deserve this time to get yourself together. It's not like....you fucking got yourself kidnapped on purpose. What right does your manager have to guilt you and con you into doing something that you're not comfortable with? He should have changed the subject when you told him you weren't going to do it." I pause, and wait for him to answer. But...I don't think he can. His bottom lip is trembling, and his eyes are still closed. He's about two seconds away from losing it... And I'm infuriated. "Where's the damn phone," I grunt. "I think I need to call that man and remind him that you were kidnapped less than a fucking year ago. Christ, I mean, what the fuck does he expect you to do right now?" Again, he doesn't answer. But he does open his eyes, and it relieves me just a little bit. I"m so mad right now, I know I'm not in any condition to hug him or hold him. I just want to strangle that manager of his, and call Lynn and tell her all about this...that it's not right. And while Justin may put up with it, I'm certainty not going to stand by and watch him do it. "Melanie," he speaks up finally, his voice cracking a little bit. "It's really not that big of a deal." He smiles a little and reaches across to give my arm a light rub. "You shouldn't let it get to you." "But it does!," I yell, my eyes widening. "Damn it, it's like everybody treats you like a child, and when they don't, when they treat you like an adult, they treat you like everything is perfectly fine and you shouldn't have issues going out and doing the things you did before. It's ridiculous. It's like...everybody has made decisions for you this past year and it's time for you to start living your life the way you want and not because its part of a regime or schedule or whatever." I didn't even realize I'd gotten up and started to pace while making my speech. I know I'm getting worked up. I know I'm allowing my emotions to escalate to places they shouldn't. And I also know that I'm letting Justin see past my barriers...past my strong points, right into my heart. I need to stop. I need to be that professional girl right now, but I just can't do it. What happened to him today is just....too much. I can't allow the people in his life turn his progress back around. I'll have failed in my duty, and Justin.... If Justin spirals any further downward, he'll never be able to make it back. I think a lot of this is reminding me of my mother...and about what happened to me after I was raped...after I got out of the mental hospital and gotten some help from Susan. I'd come home a few months later, ready to just...start fresh. For the first time in my life I wanted to get to know my mother better. I wanted us to form a closer relationship because I had realized she was the only family I really had, and it wasn't right that we barely spoke. But my mom...she was just too busy to take the time to get to know me better. She was still traveling, still working, and she told me that I needed to get a job so I'd be able to keep myself 'focused'. And I got a job, I did what she wanted, and I know she was glad I did it. But I knew she just wanted me to push the rape as far away from my mind as possible. She never talked about it with me, and she was so careful about what she said or did around me...like I was so fragile...fragile like a piece of glass. That way, she was still able to tell people that her daughter was a nurses aid and keep her precious image in check. I haven't spoken to my mother since she got me the interview with Lynn, and I don't plan on doing it anytime soon. I'd never want her to meet Justin either. Something just tells me that she'd make me look pathetic in comparison to herself. Justin gets treated almost the same way I did by the people in his life and I think it's the main reason why I'm getting so worked up. I look at him again, and this time...he's chuckling to himself. I give him an awkward look, not understanding how he can find humor in this conversation. "I think you should quit," I mutter. "Then we'll see how important you are to them, when they aren't making any more money off of you." He shrugs. "I think you have a fan." I groan. The fact that he's avoided everything I've just said is really annoying, but I try not to be angry at him. I focus instead, on the dog that he's referring to. It's the girl. I can tell because she has a white spot on her nose. She follows me as I pace back across the deck, and I guess I just didn't notice before...but I'm sure she's been doing this the entire time I've been rambling on and on. I manage to smile a little and pick her up. She licks my face and I pat her gently on the head as I hold her close to my chest. "I"m sorry I got carried away." I shake my head. "It's just been a stressful past couple of days." He nods, and picks up the other dog who'd been chewing on a table leg behind him. "I feel you." He glances at the floor quickly before meeting my gaze again. "So...did you want to come to Tennessee with me?" Wait...what? I just ranted for a half hour about Justin's issues, and what does he do? Does he thank me? Does he ask me for more advice? No...no now he expects me to get on a plane with him and meet his damn family and friends. I can't just do that. Doesn't he realize that? I mean, he knows that I have issues too. "I..." But he doesn't let me refuse him. "Well I figured my mom was going to ask you anyway..." "Um, and I figured you would have waited for a better opportunity to ask me Justin. Damn." I roll my eyes. "I thought...we would have focused on what happened last night first, if anything." He just shrugs. "I can't explain what happened last night, Mel. It just happened." "It shouldn't happen again," I say, firmly. "I guess not." "I mean I guess...I guess I could sleep on your couch," I say, fumbling with my words. "Just you know, not with you..... on it..... or anything." I can feel my face turning red, and I know we've gotten way off base with our discussion. What I should really do is tell him we need to bring the dogs inside, make him some dinner and go hide in my house for the rest of the night. But when I look at him again, and see the mischievous glint in his normally gloomy looking eyes, I just... I can't do anything. I can barely breathe. "I think you needed last night," he tells me. "Excuse me?" I scoff. "I'm serious." He takes few steps towards me, dog still in his arms. He won't stop looking into my eyes either, and I'm starting to wonder if he's doing it on purpose. If...he's doing it to get his way. He could be. No, he must be. And I know I can't give in. I won't... But damn it, why do his eyes have to be so...nice? "I think...," he continues, when I don't move from my position in front of him. "...you keep so much inside of you, that you just....sometimes you need somebody to be the one to take it all away." I've never heard such a caring tone come out of him before, and it's almost scary. I guess it's just hard to see Justin becoming little bit stronger, and trying to give me advice. It's like he's from another planet right now. And I wish I could keep him here for just a little while longer. I know I'd feel so safe with him...in his arms, asleep. But of course I'll get scared now...of course I'll make up an excuse to avoid him at all costs. "I...I think we need to go inside and make dinner, and stop talking about five different things at once, Justin." "You're the one who keeps changing the subject," he says, coldly. "My stomach is growling." I'm a bad liar. He's quiet now, and it doesn't change as I follow him into the house. Fuck, I know I'm letting him down...and avoiding things. But damn it, I'm scared right now. Scared of him, scared of myself...scared of what I might do or he might do. I'm scared to listen to myself, to let myself trust him...to go to Tennessee with him and see what his life is really all about. I just, I couldn't deal with the consequences if something were to go wrong. It's now that I wish he knew everything.... But I just don't have the strength to tell him what happened to me. "I'll just have a sandwich in my room, Mel." "Damn it, Justin." I put down the dog, and slap my hands against my thighs. I didn't mean to make him want to run away. I just...I don't know what to do or what to say right now. "You're tired anyway," he tells me. "Don't worry about it okay? We can talk tomorrow." "I told you that I was hungry!," I say defensively. "How can that make you want to eat upstairs?" He pets the dog in his arms a couple of times and lets it down on the floor. It runs to the other one and starts sniff her, and in my mind, it's sniffing for imperfections. Kind of like Justin did, during his first week with me. "You haven't answered my question," he says, hands on his hips like I'm the one who's being impossible...not him. "And you've avoided a pretty important topic, Mel." I wonder if his friends used to let him turn shit around onth em this easily. Maybe thats why he does it, because he's so used to getting away with it. Up until now I thought I'd sort of cured him from acting that way. But now I know, he's just really good at keeping it all inside. The truth is, I don't know what Justin is capable of...not at all, and until I do I really need to be on my guard. Because I know he could hurt me...badly. I hate to think this way too. But I dont think I have another option right now. "There's been like twenty questions, Justin," I point out. "Clearly, I'm flustered." He points an accusing finger at me, but doesn't come any closer to where I'm standing. "You know what the main points are. But whatever Mel, you know? I mean, I'm used to you being all secretive and shit too." He shakes his head and walks away from me, into the adjoining room. I'm left standing there, the dogs playing at my feet, feeling like the worst person in the world. Fuck, but I shouldn't feel this way. Justin is being a baby, plain and simple. He's not getting his way so automatically I should feel like a piece of shit, that's his logic. I realize now, that this night is just going to get worse if we keep on going. Maybe I should have just let him go upstairs and eat alone. But I know that's unhealthy, and I wouldn't have been doing my job if I'd agreed to let him do that. Despite all of this arguing, I know I still have to make him some dinner. I cant allow him to fall asleep on an empty stomach. Lynn would just kill me. I sigh loudly. I realy need to stop letting him get to me like this. There just isn't a reason for it. He's just a guy. I can work through this. A five year barrier between myself and the male sex shouldn't be interfering with my career like it has been. I just need to stop. Right. I force myself to go into the living room now, so I can ask him what I should make for dinner. But I can't get a word out when I see him rummaging through the bags of things that I brought home from the mall. I mean, some stuff is for him and that's fine. But I dont want him to go through my stuff. I don't know what I'd do if he saw my underthings...and I did buy some today. "The silver bags are mine," I tell him, as I approach the coffee table. "Don't go through them." He continues the rummage through the bags, not looking up at me. "Why not?" I feel my face turn a light shade of red. "Because there might be private things in them." He laughs at me and I feel like a stupid little girl. "Yeah right." He picks up one of my bags and starts to open it. "Hmm..." "No Justin, seriously! Stop!" I reach out and try to grab the bag away from him, but he lifts it up high over his head where I can't possibly reach it and laughs at me some more. "Come on." He smirks and rolls his eyes. "It's nothing I haven't seen. Some white undies...." I glare at him hatefully, and I feel the tears building up behind my eyelids. I don't understand. Why is he acting like a fucking bully? Doesn't he know? Doesn't he realize how much stuff like this gets to me? Fuck, maybe he does. Maybe he knows me better than I think. And he's using it all to make himself feel better, and more powerful. "Stop it Justin! Right now!" I lunge at him again, but I'm too late. He's pulled something out of the bag now, and a simple glance tells me that he's gone too far. It's one of my bras. White with a little bit of lace. I buy the ultra cheap one's at Macy's because they seem to wear better, especially when I find myself cleaning Justin's house or doing his fucking laundry. Normally I dont even think about the things, but right now...I wish it didn't look like a junior high school girl's first 'lady bra', as my grandmother used to call it. "This is so innocent, Mel," he snickers. This time, I'm able to snatch it away from him, and I give him a hard shove to get my point across. I throw the bra back into the bag, and snatch everything that's mine off of the coffee table angrily. "You're such and asshole!," I scream at him. He raises his arms at his sides, like he doesn't know why I'm so mad. "What?" He's like a sad little boy that needs to be put in the corner. But since Justin is much too old for that, the best I can do is shoot him dirty looks and give him an attitude. "I told you not to go through my bags," I say, darkly. He just shrugs, and goes back to looking through the stuff his mommy bought for him. "So?" I can't believe he's acting like this right now. "I don't snoop around your house, Justin." He doesn't look up at me. "Why should I care what you do, Mel? I know what I don't want you to see and I keep it where you can't get to it. Having your stuff out in the open like this was stupid. If you didn't want me to see it, you should have put it away as soon as you got home." 'I was trying to talk you out of your fucking mood!" I shake my head roughly, not believing that he's acting like I don't have feelings....like I don't even matter that much to him after everything I've done for him. I'm fucking fed up right now. If he gets like this over a phone call, I dont even know what he'd be like if something more drastic were to happen. And I can't deal with that. I can't be his punching bag. So I won't be. "You're a disrespectful prick," I say softly, fighting hard to keep my tears back. "This is my house," he says, harshly. I've had it. I throw the bags in my arms at him, not caring about anything he sees now. "Fine. Look through all my shit. Since you seem to get some sick pleasure from seeing my underwear." "I'm a guy," he says, in a cocky tone. "Oh...so that's all you care about? Fucking, women's underwear? What in the world have I ever done to make you think I would have anything of interest to you in that aspect?" I cross my arms defensively. Honestly, the more I talk the more terrified I'm becoming of this whole situation. It's the first time Justin has brought up any kind of sexual scenario in front of me. It was like the subject had never existed in his mind up until now. But I should know better I guess. Justin is a guy, as he said, and I know he must think of sex sometimes. He just hasn't seemed...sexual up until this point, that's all. And I for one, have been perfectly fine with that. "I was just curious, damn," he laughs a little. "I don't know why you get so worked up over this stuff." "I'm a private person," I mumble, stupidly. "Whatever." He rubs his hands over his head. "It's just sex." He says it so nonchalantly that it almost seems forced. And the look on his face right now is telling me that he really is uncomfortable, that he's dug himself into a hole that he can't get out of, and he doesn't know what to do...so he's decided to act like a cocky asshole to cover it up instead. "Who the fuck said anything about sex?" I breathe out, heavily, and don't take my gaze off of him. "I...I just..." He looks at the floor and I know it's coming out now....he's realizing how fucking stupid he's acting and how I must feel. But it's too late for him to do anything about it. I'm pissed, and I just need to get away from him all together. I go back and snatch up the bags I threw at him. "It's innocent underwear as you said. Prudish to you I'm sure. It's a fucking bra, Justin, not a damn leather outfit. You're sick." I turn and start away from him, but stop in my tracks when he shouts back at me. "You can't take a fucking joke! That's your issue, Melanie! I'm not sick." I turn around to face him again. "And clearly you don't take no for an answer." The gloom takes over his expression again. I think he knows he's losing now, he's not going to get his way, and he's not happy about it. "What's that supposed to mean?" His tone is dark and a little scary, but I refuse to let him know how uneasy its making me. "I told you not to look through my bags, and you did it anyway. That was a blatant disregard of respect for me, my stuff and my privacy." I roll my eyes. "But I know, it's probably my fault for not putting them away in the first place, like you said. So lets just blame it on me. I'll make you a damn sandwich and we can go our separate ways, all right?" The thing thats really pissing me off right now, is he's still digging through the bags while I'm talking. It's telling me that while he's upset, he doesn't really care what I have to say. I know why he's all alone now. And I dont blame Trace...or whoever else, for allowing him to wallow in his fucking misery. "Well don't forget this." He pulls out the dress that Lynn basically forced me to buy, and tosses it at me. "And this time, it was in my stuff. So fuck you." I stare at it, all crumpled on the ground. I have to admit, it is a really pretty thing, that would look great on anybody else except me. I cringe a little, knowing how much Lynn spent on it, and how badly she probably wants to see me in it someday soon. "Your mom made me buy it," I say, quietly. "Well," he says, the smirk back on his face. "You shouldn't waste my moms money like that." I feel cheap. Like he thinks I'm some kind of freeloading hussie that forced his mom to buy that dress for me. My emotions have officially hit rock bottom now, and I don't really care if he knows it or not. I stare at the dress for a few more minutes before I'm finally able to look at him again. "Fend for your fucking self, Justin." I turn on my heel and start to walk away quickly. I hear him yell "fine!" but I dont turn back to see what's become of him. I walk fast, hard, my breathing rapid, the tears freely flowing down my face now. I get inside my sanctuary, pressing the door closed with my back, and slide down onto the floor. I'm just hysterical. I feel so fucking lame. I thought I was being a friend to him, a good one....somebody that would be there for him because he had nobody else. I thought he was starting to care about me. But he's just like any other guy, and I know that I have to stop trusting him. I fell asleep with him on the couch but it shouldn't have meant anything to me. I shouldn't have walked around the mall today daydreaming about him and I playing with his puppies and having stupid fights about responsibility and the like. He's just another guy...that will hurt me no matter how much I do for him. If only he knew how badly that whole underwear thing really hurt me....if only he knew how hard it is for me to cope with sexual jokes like that. If only he knew how horrible I feel when people look at me and think I'm a prude when they really have no idea what I've been through. It's the first time in a long time that I've thought about packing my bags and leaving. I realize this is job is starting to take its toll...it's too much pressure, too many feelings that will never be able to work themselves out. I should probably just call Susan, stay at the home until I can find a better place to work. Sure, my mom will be mad, think I'm a failure... But really, what else is new when it comes to my mother? I feel something furry brush against my leg, and I know it's just Morgan who's come to greet me and meow for food. Lynn knows about her, because I said I couldn't take the job unless I was able to have her with me, and she didn't mind at all. "Just as long as you change the litter box', was all she had said. I scratch her behind the ears and push myself up from the floor, lifting her into my arms. She nuzzles her head into my neck, and its weird...but sometimes I think she knows when I'm most upset. That's the thing I love about her. She's clean, she doesn't scratch me, and she comforts me when I'm sad. It's better than a messy, naughty puppy... Justin and his dogs are a perfect match. Morgan and I curl up on the couch together, and she lets me cry on her a little bit. I think things will be okay for the night. I can fall asleep knowing that I'm safe inside the house, away from Justin, and Morgan is beside me. I start to smile again, but it's very short lived. A knock comes to the door, and Morgan meows loudly in fright and jumps off of me, managing to scratch my arm as she does so. "Shit....." I look down at my arm, and sure enough there is a trickle of blood oozing from the scratch. I make my way over to the door angrily, knowing its Justin and that my arm is now bleeding because of him. I swing open the door, and he's just standing there, hands shoved in his pockets looking like he's just been crying himself. "What," I grunt. He looks at the ground. "I'm an idiot." "Yeah, I know." "Can...I come in?" I close the door a little bit, so he can't get past me. "No." "I'm scared, Mel," he whispers. I have no sympathy for him. He just acted like a grade A prick, and there's no reason why I should give him the satisfaction of telling him 'its okay' and giving him a pat on the back. "My cat just scratched me," I say angrily. "So I have to clean the cut, okay?"' He sniffles a little bit. "Cat?" Morgan slides in between the door and my leg now, and after taking one look at Justin she claws the air with her paw and hisses at him loudly. She's never been a sociable animal. She was even like this with Lynn the first time around, until I swatted her nose and told her to stop. But I wont do that now. Justin deserves to bear witness to the wrath of Morgan the cat. "She doesn't like strangers." "How come you never told me about the cat?," he asks. I turn slightly, ready to walk away and leave him standing outside like a moron. "It's my house," I say, sarcastically and walk back into the house. "Actually, it's my house." He's followed me, but I dont say anything. I just start to wash my arm in the kitchen sink and hope that he'll pathetically apologize and go back to his house when I ignore everything he has to say. "I dont know why I act like that," he tells me after a few minutes. "Yeah," I say, as I shut off the water. "You really hurt my feelings though." He shrugs and backs up against the wall. "I told you Madison was right about me." I take a cloth and hold it against the cut on my arm. "How is that an excuse? I know thats not who you are. That's who you try to be when...god...you know, I dont even knows anymore. Maybe I'm completely wrong about everything when it comes to you Justin. Maybe I just dont know you like I thought I did." "Maybe last night scared me too, Mel," he confesses. "And I just didnt think about it, until Johnny called and set me off." All right, I'm sure he was scared, and confused about what happened last night...just as much as I was. But I didn't treat him like he just treated me. I could have, but I'm just not that person anymore. I went through it though. I had to be taught to control my temper and my urges to make people feel bad. I'm a better person because of it. But if I know what it's like not to be able to control my feelings, why am I so angry at Justin? I guess I just...lose sight of the person I used to be sometimes. "Look, we're friends right?," I say, a little uneasily. "That doesn't mean we're perfect or that we don't say the wrong things sometimes, but you can't just take everything out on me. I understand that you dont want to talk about everything with me, I'm a private person too. But, damn it Justin, I'm not the perfect person everybody thinks I am, you know?" I sigh and lean against the counter, knowing that I'm probably going to start crying all over again, but not really caring either. "Your mom thinks I'm some kind of miracle worker, and that scares me. I'm just a girl, who stays here and helps you with whatever you need. I don't put up with your bad attitude because somebody has to take the firmer hand here. I used to be able to tolerate times like this a lot more...but today....you really set me off today." He's quiet for awhile, and I know what he did and said to me back at the house is finally seeping in. He knows he's wrong and yeah that should make me feel good, but it doesn't. It just makes me feel worse for him, because I know he tries, and his emotions seem to backfire on him like a faulty shot gun. "I don't want to be like that," he whispers. "It's just that there's so much I have to think about right now, and I can't handle that sometimes. You...you shouldn't have to put up with this, Mel." Now he looks at me, his steel blue eyes glossed over with fresh tears. "I'm sorry okay?," he chokes out. "The thing you don't get is, I'm not going to bail on you like everybody else. I may want to. I may tell myself I'm going to pack a bag and leave. But then I think about you, and what you really need to do to get better and I know that I shouldn't just leave you alone like that," I tell him. "I probably care too much." "Sometimes, like tonight...I say those things because I know you won't leave." He won't look at me as he says it to me. "I know that I can just say whatever, and you'll still be here the next day." "That's a shitty way to think of me, Justin." "Yeah," he nods. "I know it is." "I'm not a punching bag." He looks at me now. "And you were probably right, you know? Your mom did waste her money on that dress. I'd never wear it anyway, so when she comes back tomorrow I'll just tell her to return it." I shake my head regretfully. What he said to me about that dress still hurts me, but I know he's right. I'd never wear it, and if I did...I'd look out of place. It was a waste, I dont know what I was thinking about, letting Lynn buy it for me anyway. "No, Mel. God, don't listen to me okay?" He comes closer to me, but I back away and he frowns a little. "I'm an asshole. You'd...you know, you'd look nice in the dress." "Just stop it," I groan. He looks at the floor. "I mean it." I dont know what to make of his attitude about this subject, and I'm too scared to ask, so I'll just back away from it while I have the chance to. "I don't even have a place I could wear it. I felt slutty when I tried it on." "Dont' say that," he says gruffly. "You're not a slut." "Whatever," I say, not caring what he says. "I still dont' have a place to wear it." He's quiet for a minute. Then he looks at me again, seemingly debating with himself for a while before actually saying what's on his mind. "You can wear it when we go to Tennessee," he blurts out, and stares at me with a pleading expression on his face. Great. I should have known this was his plan all along. Knowing Justin, even if I say no he's not going to drop the subject anytime soon. Still, I know I can't go back home with him. He needs time with his family by himself, without me, and I for one am not ready to sit in a house where I dont know anyone, for an entire week. "I'm not going with you to Tennessee, Justin." He sends me a blank stare. "Why?" "Because...i have a life outside of this job." Okay thats pretty much a lie but I have to come of up with something to tell him, right? "And what would I do there anyway? I don't know anybody...I'd just be sitting alone by myself half the time. No, I can't come," I repeat. "I have friends I can visit while you're away." "Mel, come on. You know I'd introduce you around. I wouldn't let you be alone the whole time," he defends. "If you can't understand why I need you there, maybe you don't know me like I thought you did." I cross my arms stubbornly across my chest. "If you can't understand that I need my space, and that I know you don't really need me there....you just want somebody there to baby you, then you don't know me at all either." It's quiet for awhile, both of us just standing in my kitchen. Justin leaning against one wall, looking like he'd rather be drowning himself, and me standing against the counter still holding the cut on my arm with the dishcloth. It's stupid and pointless and we should both just try to move on with the evening. But of course I know that's not going to happen. It never does. "I'm not going to win," he finally says, sighing in defeat. "Not tonight." He shrugs and turns away from me. "Night then." I should let him walk away, and go run a bath for myself and melt away all of this stress and fatigue in the warm water. But I know I wouldn't be able to do it, knowing that he went home upset. "Justin..." He turns back to me. "Yeah." "I hate this." He nods a little. "Me too." "Look," I sigh. God, I really don't want to give in or give him false hopes. But I feel bad about what's been going on with him lately, from his mother right on down the line. And the truth is, I wouldn't mind going home with him. I know I won't be doing anything while he's gone. That whole thing about me having friends was a big line of bullshit. I guess I'm just scared of getting any closer to Justin and his family than I am already. "I'll...think about Tennessee, okay? But that means you have to play your part too. What happened tonight....it can't happen anymore." He smiles just a little bit. "So if I'm less of an asshole you'll come?" "Well that might help," I chuckle. "But I can't say right now that I'll come with you for any reason. I just have to make a decision on my own." "I guess that's fair," he agrees. "Tomorrow is another day though," I remind him. "So go get some rest, all right?" I turn on my heel, thinking I'm home free. But my shoulders sag in defeat when I hear him say my name again. "Justin, I'm so tired. Honestly....tomorrow is another day." "But the dogs are crying," he whines. "That's part of the reason I came over here in the first place. I can't get them to stop." I narrow my eyes at him. "I told you this was going to happen. Did you feed them?" He hangs his head low. "I tried to." I groan. I guess that bath is sort of out of the question now. I dont know why I care. Honestly, it makes no sense. But here I am, giving into him and helping him out when he should be taking care of the problem himself. I groan a little bit. "I guess I'll pack an overnight bag then." And he smiles at me, genuinely this time. "Thanks, Melanie."
Edited By: ialwayzbesingin
06/06/2008 10:46 PM.
Edited 3 times.
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IwantJRTinMyBed |
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At first I was confused when I started reading this story but now I'm completely sucked in. I hope Justin gets better and I hope Melanie confesses to him
because it might help him do the same. Girl I know you just updated but another one soon would be awesome.
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diamondgirl44 |
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I am LOVING this story!
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ialwayzbesingin |
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Win Some, Lose Some
Gray walls are nice. I mean, I prefer white over grey, but I guess grey is better than black. At least it's more of a creamy dove grey, and not a gritty stone grey color. Maybe I shouldn't focus on the wall color so much though. I do it all the time in group, and If I paid more attention to what the other girls were talking about, I might be able to communicate better. But I'm not communicating. I miss Trace like I haven't seen him in years, even though I see him every morning, and every night when he brings me to and from work. I guess its because lately, he's been rushing, we've barely been talking. I guess he's busy. I don't ask questions. I mean, the whole reason that I came to live at the group home in the first place was because he needed space. So I'll give him space I've gone back to sleepless nights again, I'm not used to that place. Sometimes I call Trace. Surprisingly enough he hasn't bitched me out for calling him at three in the morning. Well...there was that one night... He didn't yell at me, but I could tell that he was out of breath....or something. He asked if I needed anything. I guess I was so confused that telling him I was fine was the easiest way out. Then he told me he couldn't really talk....that he was busy... I've been trying not to think about it. It's been hard making anything close to a friend. The girls that currently live at the home are a close knit bunch that have been in therapy together for over a year now. I learned quickly that there wasn't really room for an outsider. I tried to make small talk with a couple of them for the first day or so. I tried the basics like, 'Hi, my name is Kerri'. All of them had forced a smile before nodding and walking away. The exception to this was Elisha's friend, Cassidy, who'd sort of nudged me and told me it usually took a week or so for the girls to warm up to somebody new. But I just don't have time to tip toe around people. Of course I didn't tell her that, I didn't want to seem like a bitch so early into this whole thing. But it's true. There is no time. I have too much going on in my head, and at work, to worry about what a few whack jobs think about me. Again, like I said, I'm not communicating. It's pissing Susan off. She hasn't said anything to me about it yet, but I can just sense her opinion every time I pass her in the hallway, and during group I can feel her eyes boring into me from across the room. Yeah, I know what we talked about. I know I said I wanted to change. But I didn't...I guess I just didn't think it would be this hard in the beginning. I can't help but think about how much I've been through, how much I've had to endure for so long, and yet I'm still being forced to struggle through more shit. I can't just have an easy day. It's either feeling awkward at the home, in the car with Trace, or at work. Nothing's working, and I dont know how to even begin to change anything. And yet, despite all of this shit, there's still more. I'm going home in a month. Not by choice of course. Apparently there's some wedding that Lynn and her family are throwing together for one of Justin's cousins, and my parents being the good Christian folk that they are, agreed to attend. This would have been fine. I would have just bought a gift card or something and sent it along, But of course my father, never relenting on his quest to make me as normal as he possibly can, assured Lynn and her family that I would make an appearance. I have no fucking idea why the woman would even want me around in the first place after what happened the last time we saw each other. But I guess that's southern hospitality at it's finest. I'm fucking terrified. Trace hasn't mentioned it yet, but I'm sure he knows about it, and he probably knows that my family is invited too. I'm praying Justin won't be attending. But if I know Lynn, I'm sure half the reason the wedding is taking place in Shelby Forest is to get Justin back home for a few days. It makes me cringe a little, but then again, I probably shouldn't care what Lynn does, or what she makes her son do. All of that...all of the time and effort I put into Justin and his family is a thing of the past. I've actually been trying to come up with a really great excuse to miss the wedding. But I know my dad, and he wouldn't believe any excuse of mine. Hell, I'd have to be bloody from head to toe in his presence to even begin to change his mind. I'm good at hiding though. I'll just hide the whole time. I'm sure nobody will even notice I'm gone. "Kerri, would you answer the phone!" "Shit." I jump a little and grab the phone. "Kiss FM." I take a long breath and listen to the hyper voice on the other end of the line. There I go, spacing out at work again. Always a plus, and I especially love the dirty look that Tarin is shooting me from across the room. It's a great way to start my day. I rub my forehead a little as I listen to the hyper girl's request to be in the studio for Usher's interview next week. I have to roll my eyes at this kind of shit. It's not even my department, I'm just the intern. What I'm really supposed to do is forward the call to Tarin. But since she's the all important queen of the radio station, I'm expected to give these people a scripted response and hope they don't call back. It sucks, but I guess it's part of the job too. It's better than being in the office next door with the other bitchy interns, and I know that. I know how good I have it, and that I didn't even have to ask...Trace just made sure it happened. I mean, Tarin doesn't like me...at all, and fuck I can't stand her either. But we both care about Trace so I guess that's why I'm her little assistant when I really should be in the basement filing paperwork or something. "Wrap it up," Tarin whispers with a roll of her eyes and motions me to get a move on. "We have to go to the venue." "Mmhmm," I mumble into the phone, pretending not to hear what Tarin just said. "Okay well, I wrote down your email and we'll send you a confirmation as soon as we know what's going on. Yep...bye." I slam the phone down. "Done." I grunt at her, not being able to stop myself from giving her the once over while she rolls her eyes at me again. Tarin is a really pretty girl. I've been noticing it more and more ever since I moved out of Trace's house. No hair on her head is ever out of place, and she has one of those picture perfect smiles that you see on colgate commercials. Her skin tone is tan and even, and she has the kind of eyes that get more beautiful when she's angry. I know she's been seeing Trace...a lot. I hear her talking to him on the phone a couple of times a day. She laughs a lot when she talks to him, calls him retarded, and then sometimes she'll whisper things to him that I can't hear and laugh some more. It takes a lot for me to pretend I'm not listening, when I couldn't be more interested in their conversation. Trace never asks to talk to me after he's done talking to her. I guess things have really changed between us. "Honestly, I dont even know why you bother to listen to those kid's sob stories," Tarin snickers and grabs her purse off of her desk. "I'm really picky about who gets into the studio, and they know that." I tap my pen on the desk and focus hard on the email address I wrote down. Tarin can be really cold some days. Two days ago we had Mariah Carey here, and she didn't let anybody into the listening room. There was one guy out there who'd been waiting for two days to get in, and she just laughed at him. I'd felt really bad. If I could have...if I knew that I wouldn't get fired, I would have just given him a pass myself. I just don't understand why she has to act like she's so much better than other people sometimes, and it makes me wonder how well Trace really knows her. I'd ask him...tell him about some of the shitty things I've seen her do to people, but I know he'd just accuse me of being jealous or some bullshit like that. He'll have to learn the hard way I guess. "I dont know why you have to be like that," I say boldly, getting up from my desk and sliding the chair in before meeting her by the open doorway. "I mean, these people listen to the station...they're the reason you have a job." "They're also annoying and whiney, and unappreciative," she snaps at me, coldly. "You do something for them one time, they always expect you to do them a favor, and I just don't have time to go around giving a thousand people hook ups. It's a business, Kerri. It's time that you learned that." She walks out the door after that, expecting me to follow behind her like the lackey she thinks I am. I'm so fucking sick of her attitude. It's all I can think about when I'm here, and it distracts me so much that I can't focus on group when I get back home, and it's not like I can talk to Trace about any of this either. It's like I'm really alone. Like everybody I've ever cared about or loved is completely out of my life. It's fucking scary, and I know I can't handle it...so I'm sinking further...fucking drowning in all of this shit. What the fuck am I supposed to do? We take the elevator down to the parking lot, and get into Tarin's car. She makes sure to stick her ear piece in and dial a number before driving away. Halfway through her conversation I realize that she's speaking with David and I have to roll my eyes. While he's never done anything horrible to me, beside stare at my chest while we've been talking, I just have a bad feeling about him. There's just something that I don't like about that guy, but I cant' put my finger on it. I know I'm not overreacting though. Ever since the incident, I've been a really good judge of character. I can see right through his cheesy ass smiles and forced pleasantries. I tend to avoid him if I can. When he comes into the studio to talk to Tarin, I make it a point to go on a coffee run or find something to fax. I could just be paranoid, or afraid of strange men in general...but I don't know... Something tells me I need to keep myself distanced from him. "No, I'll be fine." She steals a slight glance at me. "I have Kerri with me, we'll get it done by tonight." I look away from her and groan softly. I know what that means. It means I'm in store for another extended day. We have a major event coming up on Saturday so I shouldn't really be surprised but fuck, I'm tired. We've been pulling these shifts for three days straight now, and by the time I get back to the house the most I can do is pass the hell out. I probably shouldn't be complaining. After all, Tarin is organizing this entire event, and the fact that I'm her right hand girl makes me look really good as far as interns go. It could get me noticed...get me involved in bigger things at KISS. Hell, it could start me on the road to a real position, and that's what I'm working toward. Despite the fact that I have mixed feelings about Tarin, I know I have to grin and bear it for now so I can get ahead. I mean, she could have had Amanda do what I'm doing...but I know she's helping me out for Trace's sake. While I sort of feel out of place, that I know didn't earn this position, I won't allow myself to feel bad about it. Amanda is a fucking bitch anyway. "They're sound checking today," Tarin tells me a few minutes later, obviously through with her phone call. "So David wants to make sure everything is set up the right way, and all the artists are taken care of. That means we have to hang the banners, check the backstage area, and fulfill the food and drink requests. It's going to be a long day." I sink lower into my seat, feeling exhausted already. "I figured." "I can just take you home when we're through, because I dont know what time we're going to be getting out. That way Trace won't have to wait around," she suggests. That would be great and all. Actually, it would be the first really nice thing Tarin has ever gone out of her way to do for me since we met. But I don't know if I feel comfortable with her driving me back to the group home. Trace didn't tell me whether or not he explained where I was living with Tarin, but I'm assuming she knows something is up. When she sees Trace, I'm sure they go back to his place and I'm sure she's realized that I've been absent. "Well....thanks but..." "Look, I know we haven't gotten off to the greatest start," she says, before I can completely turn her down. "But you know, you're close with Trace and he and I are seeing each other. I've been thinking, and it's stupid for us to have all this tension between us, Kerri. We should learn how to get along, at least for Trace's sake so he won't have to worry about it so much." I'm dumbfounded. She's actually thinking of somebody other than herself? But wait...I mean, maybe I don't have the right mindset when it comes to this girl. I haven't made any sort of effort to get to know her, simply because of the fact that she has a thing for Trace. Maybe I need to look a little bit deeper into the situation. Maybe I can now that I'm starting my life over again. "I didn't think you cared," I say quietly. "I...I know I lied to you, Tarin. You shouldn't care." I fold my arms across my chest and look down at my lap. "I know if it were me, I'd be making you walk to the venue." She laughs a little. "I should have." I smile slightly. "Yeah, maybe." "I know you have issues." Her tone turns serious again. "I dont hold anything against you, because I know you're trying to change. And now that you're not living with Trace, I think things are starting to get a lot easier, you know, for everyone involved." She's unbelievable. Maybe things are easier for her now because I've been cast away and can't interfere with her sexual advances towards Trace, and maybe things are easier for Trace now that he doesn't have to wake up everyday and see his wreck of a best friend traipsing around his apartment. But fuck, things certainly aren't easier for me. If anything, they've only gotten harder. And Tarin doesn't know the first thing about my issues. She's just kissing my ass, because Trace probably asked her to. "Did Trace put you up to this?" "What?," she scoffs. "Come on," I groan, with a roll of my eyes. "I know him. This is the kind of crap he does. He's concerned about me, so he asked you to try and be my friend. Really Tarin, you don't have to. I can manage." "Actually, Trace hasn't really mentioned you," she says, bluntly. "Not since you moved out." I die a little inside. That's a lie, I know it is. I lied to her so now she's seeking revenge. I don't blame her of course, but she really needs to brush up on this sort of thing. I wonder how much she knows, if Trace told her exactly where I moved to or if he just said I got a place of my own. Knowing that he respects my privacy, I'm sure he just told her the basics. That I moved out for now...and that it's easier for the both of us. At least, I'm praying thats what he told Tarin. "I don't believe that," I say, laughing a little. "And it's not like I don't see him or anything. He brought me to work this morning, why wouldn't he mention me?" "You know, you really need to wake up and realize that Trace's world doesn't revolve around you." She pulls into the venue parking lot, parks and repositions herself in her seat so she can face me a little bit better. "I mean, he's moving ahead with his life now. He's going to get another job, a good one. He's going to go out with me and his friends on the weekends and have a great fucking time. And I know he's missed doing stuff like that, Kerri. He's told me. And he's just...starting to be happy again. He hasn't really had a reason to talk about you for hours on end. I mean, sorry to bruise your ego or whatever, but I just think you need to know where Trace's mindset is right now. I want us to be friends too, don't get me wrong...but you need to adjust your attitude first and stop thinking that everyone needs to focus on you and only you." It's like I've been replaced, just like that. I know, I shouldn't listen to anything she has to say. It's too early to tell if I can really trust her, or if she's just another bitch set out to make my life miserable. But I just don't know what to think right now. She's acting like I moved out and now Traces life has completely changed. Fuck, it's only been a few days. How can she just feed me all this crap? I should just call Trace right now and tell him all of this too. But what will that solve? Nothing. It will just piss Tarin off and stress Trace out. And I don't feel like dealing with it. "Thanks," I grunt at her and take my seatbelt off. "I'm glad you think you know him so well, after only spending a week or two with him. Next time I need to know something about my best friend, I'll make sure to ask you first." I open the door, disgusted with this day already. I hope something happens. Like our banners are all ripped or something so I can just go back to the home. "Why did you tell me that you were dating Trace if you weren't, Kerri?" I look back over my shoulder, and I know I don't have a good answer. I'm certainly not going to get into the truth with her either. "I don't know." She rolls her eyes. "And I bet it pisses you off that I'm seeing him." I shrug. "You don't know anything about me, Tarin, and I'm not about to tell you anymore than you know already. So can we just get to work? The longer we stand around and do this, the later we're going to be here tonight." "Fine." She says it harshly and gets out of the car. I follow shortly thereafter, and walk around to the back of the car where she's pulling a bunch of stuff out of her trunk. "Well don't just stand there," she grunts. "Grab some of this stuff." I glare at her, but I do what she's asked without a comment. It's mostly bags and boxes full of posters and banners, and a few of the boxes are pretty heavy. Of course, Tarin makes me carry those while she carries the lighter loads. I know she's doing it on purpose, because she knows my leg is bad, and I feel like screaming at her and telling her how much of a bitch she is. Of course I don't though. Instead, I lag behind while she makes a bee line for the entrance of the venue. I nearly drop a box off the top of the stack as I reach the doorway, but thankfully whoever was holding the door for Tarin, steadies the box before it can do any serious damage. "Thanks!" I yell back as I pass through the doorway. "Need me to take one of those?" Seeing as how it's pretty dark in here now, and I can barely see over the top of the stacked boxes in my arms, I should probably accept the offer. But I don't want Tarin to see me, because I don't want her to think I can't do shit by myself. Oh hell...the day is shot anyway. "Sure, thanks." The top box is quickly removed and I'm so thankful that I can see straight in front of me again. "Thank you...." I begin to smile, but stop immediately when I see who it is that's decided to help me. "Kerri?" He stares at me in amazement, like this is some kind of incredible phenomenon. And hell, in a way it is. What are the chances of me running into Cooper here? It's weird, and uncomfortable. A big part of me is ready to take back that box and race for the stage, but I know I can't. For one, that box is really heavy, and well...I don't want to be rude to him no matter how uncomfortable I feel at the moment. "Oh...hey Cooper," I laugh nervously and adjust the box in my arms. "What...um...what are you doing here?" "I should be asking you that," he laughs. "My dad is catering the event, hence the white uniform." I didn't even notice, but then again I couldn't really see him that well at first. He's dressed in one of those white cooks uniforms, complete with the black and white checkered pants. All he's missing is a chefs hat, and I nearly crack up at the thought of it, but stop myself. "Oh, I get it now." I raise an eyebrow and smile a little bit. "What happened? Borders wasn't exciting enough for you?" He lets out a hearty laugh. "Oh it's still exciting, but that's my weekday job. I just took today off to help him set up and stuff. My dad has sort of mandated me to the world of catering on the weekends. It's pretty much safe to say that I have no life. But you know...those bestsellers...they keep my party going." Why am I laughing like an asshole? "KERRI!" Shit. "Is that your boss?" Cooper flinches a little. "Sorry." My smile hasn't faded, I don't think I could make it go away if I tried. I hate myself right now, but at least I'm not laughing like an idiot anymore. I don't know what it is. A few minutes ago I was ready to kill Tarin but right now...I couldn't care less about her opinions. Seeing Cooper, although I could slap myself for admitting this, has lit me up inside. I'd nearly forgotten our encounter at Borders, with everything else that's been going on lately. I think he's just what I needed today. He's...he's a nice change of pace. "It's okay," I reassure him. "She's kind of high strung." "Do you have to go?," he asks, the concern in his voice obvious. "Because I can just catch up with you later on." I look back over my shoulder, and I can make out Tarin's figure standing by the stage, unrolling a big banner to hang and talking to one of the crew at the same time. Yeah she probably needs me, but she's also managed to severely piss me off and it's only the beginning of the day. She can wait. "I have a few minutes." He smiles. "Me too." We both drop the boxes in our arms, and quietly make our way back outside again. He lights up a cigarette, something I never thought I'd see him do and I stare at him for a couple of minutes before he laughs at me. "I"m a light smoker," he explains, as he takes another drag. "My dad hates it, but I try to be discreet. It takes some of the tension off, you know...when life starts to make you go crazy." I lean back against the brick building and chuckle a little. "I know the feeling, but I guess cigarettes never appealed to me." "Right, just alcohol," he laughs. "I hope you didn't let yourself get that drunk after that night. I was worried because I didn't know what strange guy would try to help you the next time, and you know...that could lead to a bad scenario." I don't like where the conversation has started to go. The mention of alcohol...of that night, reminds me of too many things that just don't make sense anymore. Cooper doesn't mean anything by it, I know that. He doesn't know everything that's happened since then, and really, it's not his place to know. "I've been a little better," I lie. "I don't really party anymore, if that makes you feel better." "Actually it does," he says, smiling appreciatively at me. "You shouldn't be putting yourself at risk like that." I look down at the sidewalk. "Yeah." It's quiet for awhile, and I'm sure that Cooper feels just as awkward as I do about running into each other like this. I still don't know why he's living out here instead of New York either, and I want to ask him, but I don't know if I should. I know how much I hate when people I dont know that well pry into my personal life, and I'm sure Cooper feels the same way. "You're probably still wondering why I'm here," he speaks up after awhile. Damn. What is this kid? A mind reader? "Well," I say, finally looking up at him again. "It crossed my mind once or twice. Weren't you pre med at NYU?" "Close." He throws the cigarette butt on the ground and squashes it with his foot. "Law student." He seems so genuine. Like he couldn't tell a lie if he tried. But of course I know that's not true. I used to think the same way about Justin too, and well...we all know how that turned out. No, I'm sure Cooper has his flaws. Who doesn't? But I guess his are a lot less intense than the people I know. It's good for him, but bad for me because I'm so psycho it would damage any relationship I could form with this kid. "So what happened?," I ask him. "You knew I was going to ask." He rubs his eyes a little bit. "Eh, my mom ran off with this guy," he says, rather quickly. "She sort of left my dad on his own to raise my little sisters, and he can't do it on his own. He didnt want me to come back here, he wanted me to stay in New York and finish school, you know...but I couldn't do that to him. He's given me a lot, and I felt like I owed it to him to come back here and help out for a little while. I mean, I'm still taking night courses at UCLA, it's just going to take longer to get all my credits this way. Once I do that though, and get my internship, things will start to level off I think. No more Borders, just evil weekend catering." He laughs it all off, even though I can tell how hurt he is by what's happened to his family. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that he's had to put his dreams on hold because his mother made a selfish decision. If I could, I'd find her and let her know what she's done to her son's future. Life is just so fucking unfair. It's wrong. I feel like kicking something. "It's not so bad." He nudges me a little bit, probably being able to sense my mood. "She's been on her way out for years, you know? I guess I just figured she'd want to stick around and make sure the girls graduated high school first." He shrugs. "I guess she just had to do what was best for herself in the end." "You're a great person for helping your dad," I say. "I hope he realizes how much you're sacrificing." "He does," he chuckles. "He said he's going to buy me a new car before the summer is up." "Oh so the Jaguar isn't good enough for you anymore?," I smile. "Oh that was a lease," he points out. "My dad paid it, but I had to give it back once it was up. He didn't like the buying price. Nice car though. Siobhan and Scott were always making me lend it out to them." The mention of Siobhan sends pangs of guilt surging through me. I feel a little sick, because Cooper was there that night and he saw what happened. He knows what Justin is really like, and he knows that Trace can be really ignorant sometimes. I still feel horrible about how they treated Cooper, when it wasn't really his fault. He'd only come to say hi to me and see how I was doing. I just...i wish Justin could have been a little more sane then, and I I really wish Trace hadn't been an asshole. "How are they?," I try to make the question sound nonchalant, but I fail miserably. There's too much desperation in my voice, and I know Cooper can sense it. He draws in a long breath, and meets my gaze. "Engaged." "Oh." While I'm disappointed that Siobhan didn't call to tell me, I shouldn't really have expected her to either. We're not really on speaking terms anymore. Hell, we're not even friends anymore. "Wow." "Yeah, the wedding is in November. You should try and go, it's bound to be a good time." "Oh no," I shake my head and force a smile. "I couldn't do that." "Come on, she doesn't hate you. It's just...all that stuff happened at the party and then you guys didn't talk after that. I know she got freaked out when you had that car accident, but she didn't know if showing up at the hospital was the right thing to do," he explains. "You know how stubborn she can be too. I know she'd want you at her wedding. It's a big thing for her." I smile a little, for good measure, but I know the idea of me going to Siobhan's wedding is out of the question...at least for the moment. I have so much going on right now, not to mention the fact that I'm being forced to go back to Tennessee for that fucking wedding. Trying to fix my friendship with Siobhan right now would be too much to take on, and I know that. It's really shitty too, but I can't deny it. I've accepted the fact that I lost a good friend because of stupid things I let happen, and there's no sense in shedding any more tears about the subject. "I'll think about it." "I'll give her a call and tell her I ran into you," he says brightly. "Don't worry about it." He tries to give my shoulder a reassuring rub, but I'm not in the mood to be touched and I quickly pull away. "You shouldn't bother," I say quickly. "I have a lot on my plate right now and I can't deal with trying to salvage another friendship." He frowns for the first time. "But you should try to salvage it. She's been there for you, you know? And you lived together all throughout college. Do you honestly think it's right to let the situation go unresolved?" He sounds like everybody else does when they talk to me. Like he thinks he knows it all, like I don't have it so bad. It's pissing me off. If he even knew the basic details of the kidnapping...of my fucked up relationship with Justin, he wouldn't be so quick to judge. "I should go," I mutter, and begin to turn away from him. "It was good to see you though. Sorry to hear about your mom. I hope everything works out for you, Cooper." He's silent as I walk away, but part of me is thankful. Maybe now he'll forget about me, and that's a good thing. It will keep my mind off of how nice he is, and how stupid I am to let an opportunity to be his friend slip through my fingers. "How about dinner?" I stop walking. No, no I can't. Say no, Kerri. "I'm pretty booked this week," I call back over my shoulder. "But I have your number." He steps towards me now, looking like he's fighting some difficult battle with himself. In all honesty it's scaring the hell out of me. I mean okay, I know he likes me. But I just can't help him in that department. I hardly know him, I don't trust him... More importantly though, I don't trust myself. "Come on, it's just dinner," he says quietly, when he reaches the spot I'm standing. "Just consider it an opportunity to catch up on what you've missed in New York." "I don't really care what I've missed," I shrug. "Too much has happened." "Then...." he trails off, and smiles a little. Then he puts a hand to my cheek and caresses it gently. "Just consider it an opportunity for us to talk." I sigh. I feel terrible. Any other girl would probably melt right now, because I can't deny the fact that Cooper is well....kind of hot. He's one of those sexy intellectual guys that you'd pass on the street and ask to bang you up against the bookcase in the campus library. He's witty, doesn't hesitate to bring fun into what could seem like a boring conversation to anybody else. Oh yeah, and he has a great smile too. I don't want to push his hand away...but I know the consequences of all this. I could go on this date, really start to like him...and then something will come up, and I'll end up hurting him. I just can't to that to anybody else. "I'd love to..." "Great, how about tomorrow night?," he says, before I can finish. "I'd love to but...I just don't think it's a good idea." I push his hand away gently, and look into his soft blue eyes. They seem so hopeful right now, and I know in a moment they're going to turn sad and empty. It's my fault...like always, but I dont know what else I'm supposed to tell him. "There's a lot I'm dealing with right now, Cooper. Stuff that I don't have any right to burden you with." "Who said you'd be burdening me, Kerri? In case you forgot, I'm dealing with a lot of stuff too, and I don't have anybody to talk to about it. I don't have any other friends out here right now, everybody I grew up with is away at school. It's been fucking depressing as hell, and then...then you show up out of the blue. I thought it was perfect." He lets out a sad laugh. "Now I find out you don't even want anything to do with me. But you know, I guess you have your reasons. So, I'll see you around." He walks past me, defeated, and I feel like complete shit. Part of me wants to tell him I've changed my mind just so he won't be upset. But I know that's not the right thing to do. I can't force myself to go out to dinner with him when I feel this uncomfortable about it. But he's just so nice, and I don't know why...but he really seems to give a damn about what's happened to me and how I feel. I think that might be one of the biggest reasons I'm afraid to get closer to him. With the exception of Trace, nobody else has seemed to want to help me out in a really long time. Especially a perfect stranger. It just sucks. I'm just a horrible person that can't be thankful for a good opportunity when it comes her way. I lean back against the wall again, and have to suck in a few long breaths to keep myself from crying. Then my cellphone starts to ring. I perk up a little, but frown again because I know I didn't give Cooper this number. I answer reluctantly, and flinch when I hear Tarin's voice come over the line, freaking out because she doesn't know where I am. "I just stepped outside," I explain. "You stepped outside!," she barks. "Do you have any idea how much work needs to be done, Kerri?" "God, I'm coming in right now. Just chill out." I hang up on her and shake my head. Now more than ever, I'd like to call Trace and give him a peace of my mind about his so called girlfriends attitude. But there's just no time. I need to get this work done, I need to make sure I get to group tonight, or else I have a feeling Susan is going to be having a closed door conversation with me. But really, she'd be having that conversation with me anyway because I know I'm in no mood to share my feelings with anybody today. With a sigh, I go back inside the venue and meet a disgruntled Tarin at the stage. She gives me a box of KISS FM posters and basically tells me to get out of her sight. I try to be strong, and I manage to get away from her without revealing how shitty I feel. I start on the right hand side of the orchestra, and basically wallpaper the area with the posters. The work is thoughtless, and that's very bad because its allowing me to dwell on so many things I've been trying to forget about. I feel the tears gliding down my face shortly after, but I know its dark in here and nobody will notice. Thank god for small miracles. "Hey you." I don't know how long it's been. I just know that I'm nearly finished wallpapering the other side of the orchestra wall. My tears have subsided slightly, but I'm still finding myself breaking down every so often. In any case the voice makes me jump, even though it shouldn't. I'd know Trace's voice anywhere. I guess my mind was just in another place. I quickly turn around, and come face to face with my best friend. He has a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a bag of food in the other. Immediately, a feeling of disgust comes over me, and it takes all of my willpower not to walk away from him. "Hey." "I got you guys some lunch," he smiles and puts the flowers down on a seat behind him. "Tarin said y'all were gonna be late tonight so I figured she'd probably be a slave driver and not let you get a break until the work was done." He laughs a little and pulls a styrofoam container out of the bag. "I went to Nook, hope that's okay." "Yeah, whatever is fine." I take the container from him and put it down on the floor. "Thanks." I turn back around and continue to hang the poster I was working on, hoping that he'll just leave me alone...go give his damn flowers to his bitchy ass girlfriend. "Everything's okay with you right?" "Yeah." I say it quickly, and I don't look back at him. "I'm...I'm sorry we haven't really been talking," he says softly. "I've just been busy and stuff....you know, trying to get things straightened out." I really don't care what he's been doing or trying to get straightened out. The point is, he's completely forgetting about me and about everything we've been through together, and it's pissing me off. "It's fine." I throw the masking tape into the box of posters, along with the boxed lunch and lift it into my arms. "But I have to finish this, or your girl is going to wreak havoc on my ass." I start to walk away from him, but stop when I feel him place a hand on my shoulder. I'm actually surprised he's giving me the time of day, considering the fact that Tarin told me he's too busy to deal with me right now. "What, Trace?" He comes around to the front of me so I can't get away this time, and leans in towards me, an angry expression on his face. "What the fuck is your problem," he says, in a low voice. "I don't have a problem," I snap. "You two are the ones with the problem." "Well what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I brush past him without another word, hoping that he won't follow me. Of course he does though, and I'm just ready to punch him in the face right now. "I'm sick of this shit," he barks at me, loud enough for the whole venue to hear. "It's like nothing pleases you. I start to get a life and it's like I shouldn't have bothered because all it does is piss you the hell off, Kerri." I reach another empty spot on the wall and start to put up another poster. "If my attitude bothers you so much, why don't you tell Tarin to back the hell off, because she's the one who's been making things harder for me." I snap. "Or wait...you probably can't do that huh? I forgot that you're fucking her." He laughs and shakes his head. "Stupid bitch." I stare back at him. Did he actually just say that to me? Me of all people? "What?" "I'm serious," he says, shooting me a dirty look. "You're just...I don't even know, Kerri. But I'm done." "How much more "done" can you be, Trace?," I chuckle. "I moved out, you never call, and I barely see you. You've been done." "Done would be if I completely cut you off, stopped being dependable and bringing you to work every day. And honestly, that's what I'm about to do. Because it's obvious you don't respect me anymore. This is just too much." I act like what he's saying doesn't even phase me, although it's fucking terrifying to think about what I'd have to do if he cut me off all together. It sucks, but I know what a wreck I'd turn into without him. Trace is basically my only friend in the world besides Elisha, and I know...I know I'm treating him like shit right now but I can't help it. Tarin is pissing me off...she's coming between Trace and I and he doesn't even seem to mind. I can't help the way I'm acting. I'm losing this battle...I'm losing Trace. I'm alone. "Go ahead and cut me off," I yell. "That's what you want to do anyway." He stares back at me, a horrible, angry look in his eyes. He doesn't say anything either. I don't know if he has it In him. Honestly, we've never been in this bad of a fight. He's never called me a bitch or anything like that before. I mean, he says he doesn't know me anymore...but fuck, he hasn't stopped to think that I don't know him either. I'm about to point this out, but then I see Tarin heading towards us. She looks half annoyed, and half amused, and all I want to do is get the hell out of here. "Don't you need to wallpaper the balcony area, Kerri?" She says, coming up behind Trace and kissing him on his neck. He puts an arm around her, like it doesn't even matter, and pulls her forward so their wonderful new relationship is being thrust right in my face. "I mean, you do need to get home at some point tonight," she grins. I continue to stare at Trace, waiting for him to say something...but he doesn't. "So that's it," I say, placing my hands on my hips. "All that stuff about you always being there for me doesn't matter anymore?" He sighs and pulls away from Tarin. "Can you give us a minute babe?" Oh, so now she's his babe? Tarin rolls her eyes. "Just don't take too long all right?" She shoots me an angry look. "There's a lot of work to do." They kiss goodbye and she walks back to wherever it is that she came from. Now I'm left with Trace. Trace who looks like he's so fed up with me, that he'd rather I just disappeared. But hell, if I could do that I wouldn't hesitate. "So you're serious about this whole Tarin thing," I whisper. "I don't see why you should care what I'm doing, but yeah I am serious. And I'd appreciate it if you left it at that. It's none of your business." "Oh right," I chuckle. "It's like all of a sudden you're a changed man but I'm still the psycho so I need to butt out of your life. Real nice Trace. I'm glad you've learned how to be a selfish prick in the span of a few days. I was beginning to wonder what was taking you so long to catch up with Justin." I'm nearly crying, but I'm praying that he can't tell since the lighting is so bad in here. Fuck, I don't even know what's come over me. It's like all of a sudden I feel this urge to completely bitch Trace out. Maybe it's because I can't do it to Tarin, or maybe I just have so much aggression built up inside of me that I have to put it all on somebody. And Trace has always taken it in the past, so why wouldn't he take it now? He shoves his hands in his pockets looks at the floor. "I can't deal with you when you act like this, Kerri. You know, I thought you going to live...elsewhere, was a positive thing. I thought it would make things better...bring us closer. But it's like, now you're more desperate than ever and I just don't get it. I can't help you anymore. I can't continue to clean up your messes or put up with your moods." "You act like I have no right to feel this way," I defend and it forces him to look at me again. "Do you even remember what happened to me, damn it? Look at me! Look at my leg Trace!" I lift up the left leg of my jeans and reveal the nasty scarring left over by my surgery. It's nothing he hasn't seen before of course, but still...I'm trying to get my point across. "That's what I have to live with...every day! Not to mention the fact that Justin and I will probably never speak again...." "God! Stop....stop hanging onto shit that doesn't exist anymore, Kerri! You're so fucking pathetic. Just get over him all right? He doesn't care about you anymore, he hasn't in years and when you got into that car accident he had other things on his mind besides you. I was there, I helped you when nobody else cared, and I sacrificed my friendship with Justin for you. Fuck....," he trails off and laughs sadly. "I dont' even know why I did it anymore." I stand there and stare at him for a few moments, not being able to find my voice for some reason. I mean, he's wrong. I don't hang onto anything. Justin, after all, hurt me...really bad. True, Trace doesn't know. He can't know. But that still doesn't mean I'm holding onto anything. "I'm not....," I croak. "I'm not hanging onto anything." "Fuck you. You know that's a lie." I'm crying, but I don't know why. My ears are buzzing a little bit too and I just don't get it. It's like I'm losing my mind. I can't even see straight anymore. My entire world is turning into one big blur that doesn't make any kind of sense. Justin could explain it to me.... Fuck, I'm doing it again. "Tell me what the fuck I need to do, to make you understand that the past is the past, Kerri. Because I'm sorry, I'm clueless...officially. I'm sick and tired of going around in circles with you, playing this stupid fuckin' game. You've hit rock bottom, all right? Being at that place is supposed to be helping you. And I called up that supervisor lady yesterday and asked about you. Do you know what she said? She said that you dont even talk in group...you just sit there. How the hell is that helping you? You're wasting her time, Kerrigan." I shrug. "Well that's fucking great," he snaps. "I mean, who cares who's time you waste as long as you get to sit around and feel sorry for yourself, right?" "I don't..." "This is bullshit." He points a finger at me and sends me a stern look. "And I'm done. Don't fuckin call me, don't try to get messages to me through Tarin. You can find a way to and from work on your own, and if you can't it's just tough. Go back to Tennessee and live with your parents, like the little baby that you are Kerri. Because nobody feels sorry for you anymore." He doesn't wait for me to say anything else, I think he's said and heard his fill. He just walks away and doesn't look back. Then he's gone. I feel desperate now. Scared. I'm alone. I don't even know if I can get to work tomorrow. I'm in Los Angeles. I'm scared to death of just about everything around me, and I'm as mentally unstable as they come. What the hell do I do now? My stomach turns, and I feel like I'm going to be sick. I need to get out, I realize. Fast. The time it takes for me to get from inside to outside is a total blur. All I know is that I'm sitting on the sidewalk now, rocking myself back and forth, and crying hysterically. I can't stop. My whole world...everything I've worked for up until this point is totally lost. I've hit rock bottom again. Or maybe....maybe I've been here for a long time and just haven't realized it. Trace is right. I'm a total disaster and I deserve to be shut out of peoples lives, including his. But I'm just so scared. It's like I'm sixteen again all alone in Shelby Forest without a friend in the world. My parents are too consumed in their own issues to notice me, and I don't fit in with the other girls... The only difference is, Justin isn't calling me to make my day a little brighter. After awhile, I manage to stop crying. I figure I might be able to give Elisha a call, so I can at least get a ride back to the home. I dial and wait, but the call ends up going to voicemail. I let out another defeated sigh, and put my head in my hands. It's so pathetic, but I'm even too scared to call a taxi. That fucking Saturday Morning dream gave me too many gruesome visions of Nathan being the cab driver with a gun in his hand. I can't trust it. I'll probably have to just sit here all night... I can't believe Trace would turn his back on me. But then again, he turned his back on Justin too. A horn beeps a couple of times, and I look up. Of course it's Cooper. Of course. He's driving a big with van with the words "Ellisons Catering" written on the side of it. He's staring at me, like part of him wants to drive away. Honestly I wouldn't blame him. I gave him the cold shoulder, and I don't want to involve him in my problems anyway. "Why are you sitting out here crying, girl?" I look down at the ground and shrug. "Get in, come on," he says, a little reluctantly. "I'll take you home." I try to tune out his offer. It would be so wrong of me to take it right now, because I wanted to get away from him so badly before. I guess I use people. That's got to be it. Hell, that's what Trace thinks. And he's almost never wrong, so it must be true. "I shouldn't," I tell him. Cooper sighs and narrows his eyes at me. "Just get in, Kerri." "I don't understand why you're so upset." I hear a female voice say. "You did the best you could do, Trace." I know it's Trace and Tarin. The last thing I want to do is get caught in another confrontation with the two of them, so I quickly get up and run around to the other side of Coopers van and get in. I don't say anything, just fasten my seatbelt and rub my eyes a little bit. "Thanks." "Are you going to be okay?" I shake my head. "No. But if you can just take me home, it would be nice." He nods, but doesn't press me further. He just drives, and I'm so thankful right now. The silence is wonderful, and I close my eyes and try to relax. "Kerri." "Hmm." "I know you need kind of a break from reality right now and everything," Cooper speaks up. "But...where am I supposed to be taking you anyway?" I open my eyes and look at him again. His gaze is tense, fixated on the road ahead. I can tell he's nervous, being with me in the car. But it's making me calmer than he'll ever know. "Oh sorry," I say quietly. "It's up on Jones Boulevard. You know, there's alot of doctors offices around there." "Oh, yeah," he nods. "I know that place. What are you renting an upstairs room at one of those offices or something?" "Not exactly." He shoots me a confused glance. "What's, not exactly?" I sigh. I really didn't want to have to tell Cooper where I"m living and why I'm living there. How Trace decided it would "be better" if I got out on my own. How it's turned into him not wanting anything to do with me. How I've pretty much lost everybody and everything thats meant something to me, and I have no way to fix it because I'm just...a fucking idiot. "I dunno." I say it quickly, and then the sobs come. It's so embarrassing and I hate myself for not being able to get a grip. But I just can't help it. From Tarin treating me like shit, to Trace disowning me in the span of a morning, I've officially lost the capability to hide my feelings. "Hey....um...hey I'm sorry." I hear Cooper say after awhile. "I didn't mean to make you upset or anything...." It's hard but I force myself to get it together. There will be plenty of time to sulk in my bedroom back at Susan's, and I know that. I wipe my eyes and sniffle a little bit before looking over at him. "It's not a big deal," I whisper. "Sometimes I lose it, that's all." "I think you lose it more than just sometimes," he says, knowingly. "And you know, sometimes I do too. I think everybody loses it once or twice a week. That's just life. But you gotta just move ahead and try not to think about things so much." I could say a lot of things to him. I could point out the fact that I had a gun to my head a few months back and its really hard to not think about it. But I have no reason to be a bitch to Cooper at this point. He's gone out of his way for me more than once today and I think maybe... I owe it to him to stop being a bitch and open up a little. He's getting some points for not turning his back...not making anything we're talking about an argument. Actually, he's the first person I've been around in awhile that hasn't been confrontational about what I've gone through. Granted he doesn't know much...just what Siobhan told him. But still, that's enough to assume things about what happened to me. "It's hard for me," I finally say, surprisingly being able to look him in the eyes. "Do you ever talk about it?" "I..." I chew the bottom of my lip for awhile. I should lie, but something tells me he's really good at seeing past my bullshit. Maybe I should just talk to him. He's nice, he's not the type to fly off the handle, and for whatever reason he seems to be really into me. "I don't," I confess. "Not anymore at least. I used to talk about it with Justin a lot but..." I trail off and look down at my lap. I can't say anymore. I can't talk about Justin right now, not here. I mean, what the hell am I thinking of? "But?" "But I don't talk to Justin anymore." The words slip off my tongue before I have the chance to stop myself. Great. Now I did it. Now I opened up an entire new can of worms that I have no desire to deal with. "Well, if it constitutes for anything I don't really blame you," he laughs. "If you ask me, the guy is a pretty big asshole." I'm glad he's not really pressing me with questions as to why we don't talk anymore, because I know I could crack right now and tell him everything that happened when I went to get my stuff out of his house that night. And I can't let myself do that. At the same time though, he's basing his opinions of Justin on what he's seen. And I'll admit, he's seen and heard Justin do and say a lot of asinine things. But that shouldn't make him jump to conclusions about the type of person Justin really is. "He's just been through a lot." "And you haven't? Kerri, I don't know you that well or anything, but I think your priorities are a little backwards. You need to focus on yourself to get past all of this, and it doesn't seem like you are. If you and Justin don't talk, that's his loss and it's in the past now. There's no reason why you should be sitting here miserable, not taking control of your life." He's making it sound so easy. Like he can drop me off, I can go sit in group and talk about everything and my life will just be this big wonderful thing. I could talk to my parents again. I could be the friend Trace needs me to be, and I could reconcile my differences with Siobhan and get the job I've always wanted in New York. I wish things could be that easy. I wish I could sleep nights... I wish the nightmares would stop. I wish I could be a little bit stronger for once in my life. "It's not that easy, Cooper," I say softly. "My mom is gone," he points out. "Hell, we dont even know where she is right now. I could be sitting at home sulking half the time because of that, but I'm not. I'm out here living my life and doing what I need to do to make sure my future is secure. There's no reason why you can't pick up where you left off and do the same thing." His tone is so intense. It's like he's known me for years and he just wants to see me happy. Kind of like Trace used to be before all this shit fucked up our friendship. Cooper sort of reminds me of that version of Trace in a very small way, and it gets me to smile a little bit. The fact that he could care this much, means more to me than he'll ever know. "You think so?" "You're strong willed, like me," he says, with a smirk. "I just think some stuff happened, and you've been focusing too much on how other people feel, and not how you feel. I think once you face your issues, things will start to seem a lot clearer. You'll be able to get to know yourself all over again. And once you do that, everything else will come along with it." "You minored in psych didn't you." His face turns a light shade of pink. "How'd you guess?" I'm grinning now, a far cry from the mess I was just minutes ago. It's amazing how my little chats with Cooper can make me so upbeat. It's no wonder he studied psychology, he's really great at talking to people and getting them to calm down. He has no temper either, and for somebody like me thats definitely a bonus. "I'm sorry about earlier. I just...get scared of opening up to people. I tend to hurt them." "You're not going to hurt me," he reassures me. "I'm not like your other friends. I just want to get to know you better, and hopefully become somebody you can talk to. It would be great to have a friend out here." I smile a little, not really sure what to say to him at this point. He's nice, and yeah it would be really great to have somebody else to talk to now that Trace has pretty much disowned me. But I just don't know. I can't trust him, I can't trust myself.... "This road right?" "Huh?" I snap out of it in time to see Cooper turn onto the familiar road leading up to the home. "Oh, yeah.." I nod. "This is it." He drives a little further until I tell him to stop in front of the home, and I swallow hard when I see two of the girls sitting on the steps smoking cigarettes. I doubt Cooper understands what this is all about, and when I look over at him to thank him for the ride I find that I'm right. He's looking over me out the passenger side window, staring at the house, seemingly more confused than ever. I don't blame him...i can't... But I can't explain myself either. "This is where you're staying?," he whispers. "Yeah," I take my seatbelt off and open the door. "Thanks for not...you know, leaving me at the venue." "You're okay here?" His voice is filled with so much concern that I'm forced to sink back into the seat and look at him again. I wish I could tell him the truth. That no, I'm not okay. That I miss Trace and I miss what my life used to be like before this whole thing happened to me. That I miss Justin like crazy even though I shouldn't. That I'm a fucking unrecoverable mess. But I can't do it, and really right now...I have no idea why. Maybe its because I'm so used to burying my feelings inside, that it's become a natural reflex. One that I can't stop. "I"m okay,"I say, trying to sound believable. "That sign over there says this is a group home," he informs me, seriously. "Kerri..." "It's not forever." I force a smile. "Trace and I just needed space, and so...I"m staying here for awhile, that's all." He's silent for a moment, seemingly trying to understand what I've just told him. But when he shakes his head, I know he's aggravated, even though it shouldn't really matter to him. "So you were living with Trace?" I nod. "Wait a sec." He laughs a little and sits back, slapping a hand on the steering wheel in frustration. "He kicked you out?" I sigh. "He didn't kick me out....," I try to explain. "So you wanted to come here?" "Well no but..." "So he kicked you out then," he repeats. "You're not listening to me!," I holler, and it gets him to shut up for the moment. I"m almost glad, but when I can still see the concern in his eyes the moment is short lived. "Cooper, we just...a lot of things happened," I whisper. "A friend of ours knew what was going on at the house and told us about this place. It just seemed like the best option." I rub my face with my hands a little, trying not to cry. "I mean...it's better that I'm not living with him anymore." He shakes his head sadly. "Better for who? Trace?" I just stare at him. I can't say anything because...well, I've been starting to think that way. That me living here benefits Trace, and doesn't really benefit me at all because I'm so fucking scared of talking to anybody. Actually after today, I'm more positive than ever that it's the truth, and that makes me so upset that I can hardly hold back my tears anymore. "I dunno." I say quickly. "I gotta go." "Meet me later in the week for dinner," he asks me, gently. "Come on." I sigh. I just want to leave, but its obvious that Cooper isn't going to give up until I agree with him. I can't tell him how hard it is for me to go out in public without looking over my shoulder, because I'm too fucking weak. Instead, I just shrug. "I"ll think about it." He reaches out and cups my face in his hand. I should pull back, but it feels so nice...so warm, that I allow him to do it. "Please," he smiles softly. "I swear, if my breath smells or if I act like a big jerk, you'll never hear from me again." I laugh through my newly formed tears, not being able to help myself. He's the most reassuring thing that's come to me in a long time, and the best part is...he doesn't take no for an answer. "You're not going to let me say no," I chuckle and sniff a little. "Right?" "Sorry," he smiles. "That word isn't really in my vocabulary." I think about the idea of dinner for a second more, and finally nod and tell him I'll go. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? He's responsible. He's not going to get drunk and try to drive me home, or treat me like I'm a mental case. Actually, we'll probably talk, get to know each other, and laugh a little. Then it hits me that he'll probably try to flirt with me. That scares me, but...I know he's not out to push me into anything. Yeah, it'll be good for me...a new face. Trace won't be around to talk me out of it either. Hell, maybe this is just what I need. It'll be like an escape from reality. I just hope I can handle that. "So Friday night?," he says to me as I start to get out of the car again. "I know the radio event is Saturday so I won't keep you out late, I swear." He flashes me that bright smile of his that I like so much, and I feel my face begin to turn red. "Yeah," I say, climbing out of the car and closing the door behind me. "If I still have a job anyway." He shrugs. "Well if you don't, it gives me an excuse to hold you hostage." I don't laugh, I can't. I just...freeze. "Yeah." "Shit." He puts a hand over his face. "I'm an asshole...I....I didn't...I mean, I'm sorry." I feel stupid for letting something so mediocre get to me, but it is. This is why I live in a group home, because I can't handle simple slip ups like this one. It would seem harmless to anybody else, but I have chills running up and down my spine because of it. "It's okay." I manage to say quickly. "I"ll just see you Friday around seven okay?" He lets out a long breath. "I'm really sorry." "Let's just forget it," I say, managing a small smile. "I'll see you Friday. Thanks for the ride, Cooper." "Right." He puts the car into gear, and I can tell he feels like an idiot for mentioning the word hostage around me. "Friday. I'll see you, Ker." I wave as he drives away, and let out a long breath that I think I've been holding in since I got into Coopers car. I try not to think about the morning as I make my way up the driveway. I don't want to think about anything. I just want to lie in bed and try to get over the fact hat I have no idea what I'm supposed to do about work, if I should even bother going back tomorrow after the stunt I pulled today. I mean, it's really late for them to find a replacement for me, and I know they'd let me work the event regardless. But do I really want to put myself through this? Do I want to deal with Tarin? Do I want to chance running into Trace? I just can't handle anymore stress right now. I rush past the girls sitting on the steps, ignoring their cold glares, not caring what they may or may not be thinking about me. There's no time for that right now. I just need to go into my room, get into my bed and try to forget about work...about the horrible things Trace said to me...that I've lost him. Fuck. "Kerri." Susan has opened the door, obviously on her way out. I groan inwardly. She's the last person I want to deal with right now. I"m confused enough as it is without being analyzed. I just need a day to myself...just to think. "Hi." "Shouldn't you be working?" I guess I'm not going to win today. "I...don't feel so well," I lie. "A friend brought me home....I figured I'd just go to bed." She studies me for a few moments. I'm sure she knows I'm full of shit but I'm praying she'll decide to just leave me alone. "Sit." She says it seriously as she motions at the porch swing. "Oh..." I glance at it and sigh. "I don't think it's a good idea." "Kerri." She narrows her eyes at me like my father does when he's angry at me. "Sit." I do it without another word, and fumble with the bottom of my shirt nervously. She seems really angry, and I have yet to experience Susan in a bad mood. I wonder if she's a yeller? God...I know I can't deal with that right now. I'll flip out at her, and then she'll kick me out. "Susan look," I say quickly, when she sits down next to me. "I've had a really rough morning and I don't think now is a good time." "When you talk you should look at the person in the eye," she reminds me, like some kind of school teacher. "That way, you'll be able to get your point across better." I don't look at her. "I'm not doing this right now." I push myself up from the swing and start away from her, the tears flowing freely down my cheeks now. "You're wasting my time," she says gently but firmly as my hand makes contact with the door knob. "I just wanted to tell you Kerri. I can't have you here if all you're going to do is hide in your room and go to work. This isn't a hotel. When you came here you told me you wanted my help, and so far you've barely looked me in the eye. I think I deserve an explanation." I turn to her, and immediately all the anger, hate and sadness that has built up inside of me over the past week comes bursting out of me like a big wave. "What the fuck do you want from me!," I scream at her. "My life sucks! Everybody hates me! Why can't you just leave me alone? I just want to be left alone!" My back hits the door and I slide down to the floor, crying like an asshole again. I hate this. I hate everything and everyone. I hate this place, I hate these people. I hate that Justin doesn't love me anymore. "What happened today?" Her voice is close, right next to me now and I can feel the heat of her body next to mine. She's sitting beside me I guess, but I still don't look up to see just how close she is. "Trace hates me," I sob into my hands. "And he was the last one that cared." "Why?" "Because I'm selfish," I sob. "And I only care about my own problems." "You focus on them too much." Her hand is on my back a moment later, rubbing it gently...like she knows I need this. I hate it. I wish I could throw her into the wall, just...take out everything on her, like Justin did to me. But that's not how I am. I'm not strong enough, I'm not that much of a psycho. All I can do is cry, feel sorry for myself, and yell at people. "I can't help it," I say. "It was fucking terrible." "So tell me," I hear her whisper. "Just do it. There's no reason for you to do this anymore, Kerri. It's ridiculous. It's holding up your life and it's not fair to you. Your friend is probably mad at you because you're not helping yourself." "That's not why," I say, letting out a sad chuckle. "There's more to it than that." "I think most of it, is because of this." I look up at her, like she has a hell of a nerve analyzing Trace. But her intense stare doesn't waver. I'm sure she knows exactly what I'm thinking. Hell, she probably has all along. And maybe I should just stop hiding everything. Maybe its time I talked about what I've been through. I just...i just hate remembering. "I hate remembering," I blurt out. "Everything comes back to me like it just happened." She nods, and seems to understand. "But its the only way to get past it, Kerri." I wipe my eyes hard and force myself to stop crying, to pull myself together. I think about everything thats happened. How in the beginning I didn't think I would have to worry because Justin had been through it too and seen how bad it was. I always thought I'd be able to run to him when there was a problem. But then I lost him, and now Trace is gone too. "It's just surreal," I say. "It happened too fast, and I couldn't control it. I've..." I pause and look her directly in the eye. "I always swore I'd be able to control things." "You can't control everything. If you could, the world would be a perfect place." I bite my bottom lip. "I couldn't stop what happened to us." She shakes her head. "How could you?" I shrug. Honestly, I've never really thought about that before...how I could have stopped what happened to us, or what Shane did to Justin. I guess I've always felt I could have fought harder, or fought back when Shane dragged me out to the shed. There was a gun of course, and I know that. I know he probably would have shot me in the head if I'd ran or tried to hit him, he even told me so. I don't now though. I guess I've felt that what happened to Justin was too horrible...that somehow, I should have been able to prevent it. "That man that took us...his name was Shane," I say, my voice cracking as I whisper the words. "He held my friend down..." I shake my head and run my hands through my hair, before managing to look at her again. "He raped him, Susan. I should have done something...but, but I couldn't." I squeeze my eyes closed, and try to fight it all off, because I'm remembering it now. How it smelled, how dark it was...how hard Justin cried when he got my handcuffs apart. How I held him...just held him. "I couldn't help him," I whimper. "I couldn't help him, but he'd always tried to help me. He let Shane do that horrible thing to him, so he wouldn't kill me. I...I guess thats why I tried to be so perfect after we were safe. It didn't work though." I hang my head low, remembering another gruesome memory...the presence of Justin's dark figure looming above me, his hand raised. "I turned him into a monster." "Kerri." I look at her, half expecting her to ramble off some magnificent spout of wisdom that will supposedly enrich my life. But...she doesn't. She just stares at me, and I don't know what to make of it. "I made him so angry," I laugh, and I know I sound like a lunatic. I guess it doesn't matter though, because thats what this place is for...crazy people like me. "And he hit me and beat me up so bad, but I just...i walked away from it. It rained hard that night and I was crying...then I wound up in a car wreck. I...I never said anything." I look up at her wide eyed, realizing how much I've just let off my chest. Funny, I feel sort of light headed now. Or maybe I just feel like I'm supposed to...normal. More normal than I've felt since that day in the bakery parking lot back in Tennessee. "You won't say anything will you?," I say, cautiously. She puts an arm around me then, and kisses the top of my forehead like Lynn used to before she hated me. It feels good, reassuring...hell, even safe. I feel safe here for the first time. It's so weird, but so great at the same time. "I promise," she whispers. "I'm so proud of you, Kerri. Even if you couldn't say in group what you just said to me, it's a big step." "I've never told anybody half of that stuff. Only Justin knows..." My eyes get wide again. But she just nods. And I know it's just us, no girls, no nosy bosses named Tarin. No Trace's to tell me I'm not worth being friends with anymore. It's just us. And for some reason I'm okay with that. It's like she's been through it too, even though I have no idea what she's gone through. It's like we're in our own little world here, where nobody can know what goes on. "Thank you." I whisper, and lean my head into her chest. "Thank you, Susan." The silence that follows is the best thing I've heard all day. ***************** I woke up on the bathroom floor this morning. My mouth had tasted sour and when I'd finally managed to sit up my head had begun to pound like somebody had just beat the crap out of me. Funny, I couldn't remember what my first drink had been the night before, or which one had completely put me over the edge. All I knew was that I'd been a drunken mess by midnight, and Tarin had been egging me on to drink more along with the group of friends that had gone out with us. I thought I may have fucked her before I started puking in the bathroom, but I couldn't be too sure. She left early this morning for work too so it's not like I could have asked her. In any case I feel like a complete asshole either way. It's been forever since I've gotten that wasted... And I know I only did it for one reason. Despite the fact that I screamed at her, that I told her I was done with her...that she could pretty much fall off the face of the planet and it wouldn't phase me, I still feel horrible about it all. I mean fuck, thats Kerri. I've been there for her through everything, and managed to keep somewhat of a level head. Sure, things sort of started to fall apart recently and all, but was turning my back on her really the right decision to make? When I didn't get up to bring her to work this morning, was it sending her the right message? Was it really "teaching her a lesson" so to speak? I just don't fucking know. I do know that it's taken every ounce of strength inside of me to keep myself from picking up the phone to see if she's okay. It's why I got drunk last night. Tarin told me everything would be fine, that Kerri is more trouble than she's worth and I need to focus on making myself happy. That should make me feel great too...I mean any other time I'd be really happy that Tarin was supporting my decision. But she doesn't know about the things that Kerri has endured or the things she's seen. And she doesn't know that Justin was brutally raped by some sick fucking asshole, either. On the other hand, I just can't take it anymore. Kerri's attitude has only seemed to get worse since she moved out, and it seems to be because I've started seeing Tarin. I just don't understand, because she really seemed to want me to be happy for awhile there. Maybe it's because we fooled around that time, but I don't know. We both realized that being physical wasn't healthy for either of us...too much shit had happened already. So then why does it bother her so much that I've moved on? I guess maybe she was scared that I didn't care about her so much anymore, but fuck she knows better than that. Or at least, I thought she did. Okay, there was that one night she called me and I pretty much blew her off. But what was I supposed to do? It was one o'clock in the morning, and I was in the middle of having sex with Tarin. Stopping all of that to talk to Kerri on the phone wouldn't have just been fucked up from Tarins perspective...but hell, I was in the moment. Kerri was lucky I could even remember her name, let alone keep a straight tone over the phone. I know I could have talked to her about it in the morning when I'd driven her to work, but I just wasn't in the mood then. That probably makes me a jerk too, and I know that. But damn it, Tarin is my girl and if I'm sleeping with her I don't see why I need to explain myself to Kerri. That's the thing that made me lose it yesterday I think. It was like she expected an explanation out of me. Like she wanted me to say 'oh it's not that serious, I'm just going to sleep with her until I get bored.' It pissed me off. And then to top things off she starts talking about how Justin doesn't talk to her anymore. Honestly, what the fuck did that have to do with anything? Justin had nothing to do with our conversation at all. Even though I've decided to give it a go and try to work things out with Justin, I pushed her away anyway. I guess it really pissed me off that she was still concerned about his feelings for her after how badly he treated her when they were on speaking terms. My feelings towards Justin are a lot different that Kerri's are, and she's so fucked up she can't realize that he probably hasn't thought about her since they broke up anyway. Part of me regrets what I did. But mostly, I feel a little bit better knowing I don't have to worry about her so much...at least for now. She's in a good place, at that home where people can help her. And I just...I just need to get myself back together, all the way. I owe it to myself. And now that Tarin is in my life again, I think I owe it to her too. We've only really been dating for two weeks now. But hell, it feels like we'd never broken up in the first place. Am I falling too hard too fast? Maybe. Do I care? Fuck no. She's great. I mean, really great. After Kerri was out of the house, and Tarin would start coming over, I remembered all the shit that used to drive me crazy about her back when we'd originally dated; her smile, her laugh, the crazy stories she'd tell me about her family, her friends, and her career. It was refreshing to hear funny shit coming from somebody for a change. There's no drama with Tarin, I know it, and I'm going with it, until I have a reason not to. She makes me happy, the happiest I've been in awhile and that's good...it's healthy. Especially because I have to do a lot of difficult shit in the coming weeks, and I need something in my life to ease the tension. I got a wedding invitation in the mail the other day. At first I was confused, because normally when there's a wedding going on I find out about it way in advance so I can plan for it. When I opened it though, I figured out just why it was that my mom hadn't mentioned anything to me. Justin's cousin is getting married next month in Tennessee, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely uncomfortable going back home. A family wedding means..well..just that, family. And in our family, when somebody is getting married, I think every long lost relative in the Ayala and Timberlake family crawls out of the woodwork. It's horrible to say it too, but I know 99 percent of the time it's because everybody and their granny wants to see Justin. It used to irk us alot when we were younger and Justin was getting really famous. Everybody would flock down home for birthdays, holidays...shit like that. Even his dad would show up, and in the beginning it was fucking weird as hell because he'd never really paid much attention to Justin after he'd married his second wife. We went with it though. All we really had to do was hide around back and not tell anybody where we were going. That's how me Justin and Kerri spent the bulk of our family get togethers: smoking weed in the woods behind Lynn's house, not caring what anybody else thought. I remember being grateful for moments like that when Justin had been caught up in so much hysteria. It gave us a sense of reality, and it gave Kerri a chance to see us the way she knew us...instead of caught up in some crazy spotlight. It's sad to think things will never be like that again. I've been meaning to ask somebody whether or not Kerri is supposed to go to this thing. I'd ask Lynn but seeing as how she basically told me not to talk about her the last time, I don't think it's a good idea. I guess the best thing I can do is ask Kerri about it when things have calmed down a little bit, even though I have no idea what I'll say to her. If she's going its probably because her parents are making her, and I'm sure she wants even less to do with the whole thing than I do. To make things worse, I have the feeling that Lynn is forcing Justin to go home for this as well. If they ran into each other, I know things could get really ugly really fast, and so...once again, I feel like I have to keep my guard up...be the mediator or something. It's stupid and it sucks but I feel like if I don't do it, somebody's wedding will be unnecessarily ruined. I guess that's partly why I'm here today. It's ridiculous that I'm shaking right now. I've known Justin my entire life, and we've done everything together. I've told him my deepest secrets, and we've cried together. There's not a reason in the world I should be nervous, but yet...i feel like I'm going to puke. I guess it's because the last time I saw Justin I told him I never wanted to see him again. I regret it now, but back then I was so disgusted with him I didn't really care what I said. I've been stubborn for a long time too, I know that. It's really because of Lynn that I finally pulled my head out of my ass. I mean, what was I thinking anyway? Justin's like my brother...it's stupid that I've shut him out for this long, and it's time we talked again. We're both grown adults, and it's horrible to say but...now that Kerri is out of the picture I think we'll be able to think a little bit clearer too. Fuck, I'm a terrible person. I pull the key out of my pocket, chuckling a little bit when I put it in the lock and it opens the door. Despite how paranoid he is, he still didn't change the locks on me, and I know he probably didn't with the hopes that I'd come back over to talk. I take a few steps into the house, and knock on the door a little before closing it behind me. It's quiet, but then again it's only ten in the morning. Knowing Justin, he's probably still asleep. But that's not who I'm really worried about running into anyway. It's that Melanie girl I'm concerned about. I still don't know how I feel about her being here. She didn't really hit me the right way the day we had lunch with Lynn, until she followed me out to the car. She seemed a lot more genuine then, because I guess she saw something in me that she hadn't allowed herself to before. I think she may have realized that I cared about Justin a lot....but I was just being stubborn as always. In any case, it's made me wonder about her a lot...about how she is with Justin. If he's been doing okay with her around instead of me. "Hello?" I call out. No answer. Figuring he's asleep and she's running another infamous errand, I take a seat on the familiar sectional leather sofa in Justin's living room and turn the TV on. It's so weird, it's like I never even left the house. Everything is still the same as it always was, right down to the placement of the old magazines strewn across the coffee table and the familiar scent of Justin's favorite Yankee Candle filling the air. I feel more at home than I've felt in months, like I could just grab a beer from the fridge(even though I know it's not there) and fall asleep in front of the TV. "What the fuck!" I gasp and jump up from the couch, whirling around to come face to face with none other than Melanie herself. She looks terrified, and I'm sure I'm the last person she expected to find chilling out on Justin's sofa. I really should apologize and explain myself, but considering I'm pretty sure I got laid last night, and that she looks like she's been scrubbing out a toilet all morning, I'll be a little cocky instead. "Hey Mel," I chuckle. "Looking good I see." "How the did you get in here?" She demands, slapping the rag in her hand at her side. "You gave me a damn heart attack!" "Calm down, would you?" I sit back down on the couch again and resume channel surfing before continuing on. "You honestly thought I didn't have a key?" "You honestly thought it was okay to just come waltzing into the house unannounced?" She storms around the sofa and stands in front of the television, so I'm forced to pay attention. "What the hell, Trace? I shrug. "I have a right to be here, Melanie. You don't have to act like it's the worst thing in the world." One thing I can already tell about this girl is she overreacts way too much. Being through what I've been through with Justin, I know that she probably has her reasons for being this way but fuck...it's really annoying. "I mean, yeah, next time I'll call if it will make you feel better...." "It will," she interrupts me with a roll of her eyes. "I mean, thats what most civilized people do anyway." Bickering with her is going to get me nowhere, and I've been entirely too stressed out as it is this week without making it worse. So I'll just get to the point, like I should have done from the beginning. "I'm here to see Justin," I tell her, seriously. "Well, does he know that you're coming?," she scoffs. "Because I don't need to give him the same heart attack that you just gave me." "Look, I shouldn't have to ask your permission to be here, and you know...you do work for Lynn," I point out. "So if you could just get him for me...." "Mel, what's going on?" I guess I don't need to argue with her anymore after all. Justin is on the stairs now, with nothing but a towel around his waist. I can tell he just got out of the shower, and honestly I'm kind of shocked he'd come downstairs so scantily clad in front of the girl. It makes my mind swim with a thousand questions that I'm scared of getting the answer to, so I just stand up and make my presence known before Melanie can talk me down, or tell Justin to go upstairs until she 'handles' things. "Hey, Justin." I shove my hands in my pockets, and lick my lips nervously, not knowing what's about to happen and partially too scared to find out. He just stares at me. "He...he let himself in." Melanie stumbles with her words, like Justin is her master or something and she's broken the rules. "I'm sorry, Justin. I...I didn't know, or I would have told you." "Well that's Trace," Justin speaks up softly after a moment. "Just does whatever the hell he feels like. It's not your fault, Mel." I stare back at him, knowing I deserved that for showing up at his house like this, but hating his attitude at the same time. Honestly, he doesn't know why I'm here. What if it was a life or death kind of thing? What if I had come to tell him something really important? I hate that he's jumping to conclusions. But then again, should I have expected any other reaction after all this time? "I thought we could talk," I say, quietly. "Why?" He laughs sadly. "You finally realized how stupid you are?" It makes me want to punch him. "LIsten asshole...." "I"m not going to stand here and watch you two tear each other apart." Melanie intervenes, angrily. "Justin, your dogs still need to be walked. Remember?" He takes his angry gaze off of me for a split second so he can look over at Melanie. "They're still asleep. I'll do it in a few minutes." "And when they pee all over your sheets, I'm not going to wash them," she snaps. "God, Justin...it's not my fault somebody decided to mess up the routine today." She steals an angry glance at me. "Walk them." She points a finger at him, and turns on her heel, disappearing into the kitchen. It's so weird. If I'd never met them before and didn't know any better I'd think they were an old married couple. She orders him around like she's the master of the house and Justin seems to linger on her every word. Even now, he looks like he feels bad...like he should have known better. He's even turning around to head back upstairs. It seems like he's forgotten that I'm even here and fuck...I don't know what to think, but I do know that Melanie shouldn't be working for Justin. It's obvious that she confuses the hell out of him, and I have to wonder what the hell Lynn was thinking about when she hired the girl to work here. "Dogs?" I say. He stops on the stairs. "You're still here?" "We need to talk, Justin," I nod. "You know that we do." He laughs. "I thought you never wanted to see my fucking face again, Trace. Those were your words." I sigh. "I was angry, Justin. Could you blame me? What you did was pretty fucked up." I won't mention Kerri's name, because I know I don't need to. We both know what he did, and he should know that alone was grounds for me to cut him off completely. He slaps his hand on the handrail. "You act like I didn't feel terrible about it." There's a look in his eyes that I can't really describe. He looks hurt, angry and scared all at the same time. I know I've reached a delicate subject that neither of us is ready to talk about, so I'll move on. "I just...I've been thinking. I don't want to lose you as a friend, Justin. You're too important...like family, you know? And I think deep down you feel the same way. Give me an hour. That's all I'm asking. In fact, I shouldn't even have to ask. I'm the one who's doing you a favor by being here." He glares at me. "You're not doing me any favors, dumb ass." He sighs after that and takes a few minutes to battle out his decision in his head. "But I guess..." he finally says. "I guess I owe you at least an hour." I could be a dick and maintain my serious demeanor but instead I just smile, and let out a hearty laugh. "More like ten years, but I'll let you slide." "Let me get clothes on and get the dogs. We can go for a walk or something," he says, and walks back up the stairs. I sit back down on the sofa to wait for him to return. That went a lot better than I expected, and I'm kind of surprised. I smile to myself as I reach for a magazine to thumb through. Maybe this is a positive step. Maybe I can talk to him...really talk to him, and get some shit off my chest. Maybe he's changed...maybe, just maybe...I can finally have my best friend back after all this time. "What are you planning on talking to him about?" Melanie's voice echos from somewhere behind me and I roll my eyes, not bothering to turn around and face her this time. "Does it matter?" "Yeah, because I don't need him getting upset right now." She's leaning over the couch now, her face directly in front of mine. It's the first time I've really gotten a close look at Melanie. That time in the car I was too distraught to really care, but now....now I'm taking her in. She has a welcoming complexion, a natural kindness. Somebody I could easily get comfortable with in about five minutes. Her eyes are soft, but bright, and pretty. If the circumstances were different, I'm sure I'd view her in a completely different way. Hell, maybe I'd even be friends with her. I can see right through this whole seriousness front she's putting on for me. I can tell just by looking at her that the girl is a total sweetheart who'd do anything for you. And that scares me...not because I find myself suddenly wanting to trust her... But because I know what Justin can do to a vulnerable girl like her. I cross my arms and smirk a little bit. "You two are pretty close huh?" She swallows and clears her throat slightly. "Why...why do you say that?" "Just seems obvious." I shrug. "You're getting pretty defensive over him, don't you think?" "Somebody has to look out for him," she says, gruffly. "And as we discussed the last time we saw each other, you haven't been around." I toss the magazine back on the table and sigh. "I don't want to argue with you Melanie. I've just...i've been doing alot of thinking and I guess the stuff Lynn talked to me about that day at the restaurant really got to ,me that's all. I'm not an asshole or anything, but for a long time things with Justin and I weren't working out. I didn't feel like sticking around was the best thing for either of us." "But you're not supposed to desert your friends," she whispers, a sad look in her eyes. There's so much that she can't know about, and I realize now just how naive she is to everything that's happened. I doubt Justin has told her much, if anything, about what happened to him in that place and after the fact. I do get the feeling though, that he blamed the fact that he's been all alone solely on myself and Kerri. That really makes me angry enough to walk out right now too, but I know I can't. I need to get some shit off of my chest, and since I don't have a damn thing going on today it's the best opportunity to do it. "There's a lot more to it than what you think, Melanie," I say. She crosses her arms. "I doubt it." The scratching of nails against wood flooring causes me to forget about my discussion with her for the moment, and look up at the staircase. I have to laugh when I see Justin struggling with two boxer puppies on a leash. I'm assuming Lynn must have gotten them for him, because Justin was always talking about getting a couple of dogs as soon as the tour was over. They're loud and they bark and jump around. Justin doesn't seem thrilled at all, but I can't help but laugh out loud. "Damn, Justin. Got your hands full I guess?" He glares at me as the puppies pull him down the stairs. "Shut up." "Don't come back until they've both done their business. I dont feel like cleaning up dog mess again, Justin," Melanie orders him. Justin is pulled to the door. The dogs start whining and scratching at the door, obviously eager to get outside. I look on with an amused smirk. It's great to see Justin finally having to do some shit for himself. One thing I've noticed about Melanie is that she doesn't put up with his excuses...at all. Maybe thats how she got him to go running, like she told me about. I'm almost impressed. It almost makes me forget about how much I dislike her vulnerability, and bossy attitude. I mean, I guess Justin needs somebody like that. I guess...I just couldn't be that way with him because I was his best friend, and I was so scared of breaking him again. In a way, it's better that Melanie doesn't know a lot of what happened. It gives her grounds to make Justin wake up. But at the same time, a small part of me still doesn't trust it. At the same time...something inside of me is telling me that Melanie is going to get hurt no matter how strong she is. I'd tell her but I guess it's not my place. Not that she'd believe me anyway, she'd just call me a selfish asshole and then I'd get pissed. No, for today at least I'll just stick with what I know.... Justin and his shitty attitude. "You coming?," he sighs as he manages to get the door open. I glance back at Melanie, who has proceeded to remove all the pictures and trinkets on the mantle so she can dust it. She doesn't look back at us, and I know that she's completely avoiding the fact that I'm here and about to hang out with Justin. It's bothering her. A lot. But I can't say I blame her. She's worried about what this will do to him. I keep telling myself that she just cares about him like a friend would. But for some reason...I just think there's more to it than that. "Yeah." He walks ahead of me and I try my best to catch up with him as he's pulled towards the front gates. I'm a little surprised when he hits the button to make them open. I can't remember the last time Justin went outside of his gated sanctuary without the aid of Eric or Tiny at his side. It's weird...new, and a lot different from what I was expecting. Maybe I was right. Maybe he has changed for the better. "This is different," I say, trying to catch my breath as I catch up with him. "What's different." He scowls as he pulls back on the leash. "We're outside of the gate," I point out. He looks at me, but he doesn't smile. "Yeah, I know." One of the dogs takes a dump underneath a tree, and we move on unaffected. Justin seems strangely calm, but doesn't hesitate to look over his shoulder every now and then. I can't blame him of course. "So...I guess you've been a little better," I say, trying my best to spark a conversation. He shoots me a sarcastic smile. "Yeah look at that. And I didn't need your help or anything." All right I get it. I was wrong to cut him off completely. I mean yeah, I had my reasons but its something I really should have considered beforehand. I probably look like such an asshole crawling back to him right now and acting like everything is okay. Clearly, in his mind, it's still not. Maybe I should just leave...let him think about things. "Justin look..." "No...," he grunts, trying to control the dogs and pay attention to me at the same time. "Why did you come here Trace? I know you didn't just wake up this morning and decide to pay me a visit. You're as stubborn as I fuckin am." He's right and I feel like a big asshole right now for trying to play it all cool and shit. Honestly, this is the fakest I've been around Justin in awhile and I guess I should just cut the bullshit and get to the point. "Your mom convinced me I should come talk to you. " I say. "Oh okay." He lets out another fake laugh as the dogs continue to sniff around. "You mean the day that you had lunch with her and Melanie and you treated Mel like a piece of shit, right?" "Oh give me a break, Justin. I didn't know her, all right? And your mom just sprung it on me that some girl was living with you and helping you out. What was I supposed to do? Be her best friend?" I know I'm leaving out the whole part that I saw her the day I was sitting outside of his house, but I feel like if I tell him that, he'll think I'm even more pathetic. "I didn't trust her." "You judged her. Come on Buck, Brennan." He pulls the dogs forward, and looks back at me. "Don't act like you didn't." I cross my arms across my chest. "Like you don't judge people?" He doesn't answer. We walk in silence for awhile, just watching the dogs do their thing. I notice that Justin doesn't even begin to head back towards the house until each of the dogs has pooped and peed at least twice. It's a little sickening to me that he's following Melanie's demands to a T, but I don't say anything. It's obvious that he's annoyed about my opinion about her so far, and I really don't feel like fighting with him about it anymore at the moment. "So what's been going on with you, Trace?" His question catches me totally off guard. It sounded too normal, almost forced, but I'm glad he's at least trying. At the same time though, I don't know what to tell him. Do I talk about Kerri? Do I avoid the subject? Do I tell him that I'm bored and I've been trying to find something to get into but I just can't seem to do it? Do I just talk annoyingly about how hot Tarin is? No...he'll know that I'm just bullshitting. "Oh you know...same old shit." He smiles back at me. "You suck at lying." I shrug. "Well I don't know what you want me to say." We reach the gate again and he enters the security code. He looks at me for a long moment and clears his throat a little bit. "Well...I mean, Kerri's been staying with you right? How have you guys been doing?" I want to puke. That was the one thing I was hoping he wouldn't mention, but I guess I should have known better. I want to lie and just tell him everything is fine. He doesn't need details. He doesn't need to know where she is or how she's been acting. "Fine," I nod. "Oh...I get it." He shakes his head as the gate slides open. "We can only talk about what you feel comfortable with." "I didn't say that." I follow him onto his property and the gate slams shut behind us. "You know, you're not making this easy for me either, Justin." He turns to me angrily. "Then just say it. Tell me that she's fucked up, because I know she is." I ball my fists at my sides. "Don't make this about Kerri." The dogs begin to pull on the leashes and yelp, and he angrily turns around again and starts to let them lead him toward the house. "What the fuck is it supposed to be about then?" I jog to catch up with him. "I came to resolve things between us. I didn't come to talk about what Kerri is doing." Once we get close enough to the house, Justin lets the dogs off the leash and they go bounding towards the doorway, which he'd left open a crack. They push it open all the way and disappear inside. I'm thankful for that. Now, maybe Justin will be able to focus a little bit better. "I don't know how you expect to resolve things in an hour," Justin says, wiping some sweat off of his forehead with his arm. "It's been months." "And we've been friends for a hell of a lot longer," I point out. "Just put the shit behind us, Justin. I'm ready to." He sits down on the grass, and I join him. He picks at the blades of grass with his fingers silently. It's annoying and I can only remember one other time in my life when things had been this tense between us, when I'd had to tell him that I'd been the one that had gotten Shane hired. He'd went ballistic, told me he wished I was dead. Hell, he shouldn't even be acting like this right now. If anything, he's lucky I've put all of that behind me. What the fuck? What gives him the right to sit here and act like he's the victim. "You know..." "I'm sorry I blamed you for Shane," he blurts out suddenly. "It bothers me every day, Trace." I stare at him, dumbfounded. I was expecting him to say alot of things today, but certainly not that. Honestly, we've only really discussed that whole thing once or twice, and while I told him that I'd put it behind me I guess I never really forgave him either. Ever since it happened, things have been severely strained between us. I think the Kerri thing just put everything over the top. "I never really forgave you," I say after awhile. "I don't blame you." It's quiet again, like it always is when each of us knows what the other one is thinking. I know he's sorry, and he knows that I'm ready to forgive and forget, even though it's going to be hard getting back to the level our friendship used to be at. "I'm trying," I say finally. "I miss you, man." He looks at me. "You have no idea how hard its been without you." His bottom lip trembles a little bit and I watch as he wipes a few tears off of his face. "The last person I wanted to lose was you." "That time you called...," I sigh and finally look at him again. "I felt really shitty for hanging up on you like that." He shrugs. "I knew you would. I was messed up and I just needed somebody. I didn't know who else to call." I officially feel like the worst person on earth, even though I shouldn't. Justin deserved it, and I wasn't ready to talk to him. But seeing him now, knowing that he was probably in a really bad state of mind then makes me wish I could have snapped out of my mood for that moment in time. I know I can't change the past though. The most I can do is move forward from here, spend time with him, and find my best friend again. "I want things to go back to how they were," I tell him. "I mean, I know they'll never be completely back to normal but...as long as we can be friends again, I think I'll be okay." He smiles genuinely, for the first time today. "I want that too. I want it really bad, Trace." I get up from the ground and hold my hand out to him. "You wanna go back to the house?" "Sure." He lets me help him up. "Mel probably made something to eat." For the first time I realize how much better he looks. He's not pale at all, and he looks like he's getting his sleep. Those bags under his eyes that would seem to take over his entire complexion are non existent now. He's clean shaven, and his usual mess of curls has been tamed. He's not dressed like a bum either. He matches, like he's always been so meticulous about in the past. I'm almost proud of how far he's coming along. And to think that Melanie of all people has played a big part in getting him back in control of himself is more shocking than anything. Madison was supposed to be the one that was getting him all straightened out. Which is why I really think there's feelings involved between Justin and Melanie...strong ones. And it's scaring me. I want to ask him what's going on, but I don't know how he'll react. I want today to go well, so things can start getting back to normal. But I'm sure my curiosity will get the best of me. We get back into the house and the dogs proceed to jump all over Justin while he makes his way over to the kitchen table. It's been set nicely, kind of like the way my mom sets up the table for Sunday brunch after church. It's weird because my mom isn't here, it's not Sunday, and the girl that has gone to all of this trouble considered me an asshole just a few moments ago. I guess I don't know her as well as I think, or...she just wants to fuck Justin so badly that she'll put on this Susie Homemaker front to turn him on. But that kind of thing doesn't turn Justin on, so I don't even know what to think except that she actually finds pleasure in doing this sort of shit. "Here you go boys." She places a large platter of sandwiches in front of us, and a moment later returns with a pitcher of what looks to be freshly made lemonade. My mouth waters. It reminds me of coming in from mowing the lawn on a hot summer day and being rewarded by my momma. God I'm such a dork, but it's been forever since I've had this kind of a homey feel and fuck...I'm going take advantage of a good thing. "Thanks." I smile and take two sandwiches from the top of the pile. Justin does the same, and when Melanie swats his hand away from the pitcher of lemonade and pours it for him herself, I can't help but smile a little bit. They really are cute. "You spilled it the last time," she tells him when he frowns at her. "Well maybe you should pour Trace's too," he grumbles. "Maybe I should give the rest of your lunch to the puppies." She grins at him, and when he doesn't protest further she simply wanders away into the adjoining room. Justin and I eat quietly for awhile, before the curiosity begins to nag at me so badly that I can't control it anymore. I finish my fifth sandwich and sit back, letting my belt out a little because I feel so stuffed. "So," I yawn, as Justin slurps down some more lemonade. "When's the wedding?" He looks at me. "Huh?" I have to laugh. He looks so perplexed by my question I'm surprised he didn't fall off of his chair. "I'm just saying, Justin. You two bicker like an old married couple." He scowls. "She's a control freak." One of the dogs is by my feet now, crying because he wants some of my sandwich. I tear off a little piece and give it to him, and Justin gasps. "Don't do that!" I look at him oddly. "Are you on drugs?" "Mel doesnt want them having any table scraps." He looks over his shoulder cautiously, probably making sure that she didn't see me give the dog anything. "She says that they need to be trained not to depend on table scraps. She'll get pissed because she's been weening them off of anything to do with the table and dinner time. She puts them outside, I'm surprised she hasn't done it today." He stares at me for a moment. "But I guess today is kind of weird anyway." I crack a half smile and then the dog starts to whine for more food. "See?," Justin whines. "Now you've gone and fucked it all up." I roll my eyes. "Go lay down." I say harshly to the puppy and point to the corner. It stares at me for a minute, but when I repeat myself a little bit louder it does as it's told. "See? Not so hard, Justin. Remember Ben? That dog was a pain in the ass, but he always listened to me." He crosses his arms stubbornly. "Whatever, when you leave he'll be back at it again. The girl, Brennan isn't so bad. She stays away from the table. Actually, she hangs around Melanie a lot. But Buckley is a pain in the ass." "Hey, kind of like you," I snicker. He glares at me. "Are you done criticizing me now? Did you get it out of your system?" "Oh hardly," I smile. "You owe me about ten years worth of criticism. I'm just getting started." "Jerk." "You like her don't you?," I challenge him. "I can tell." He doesn't look me directly in the eye as he laughs and tells me I'm crazy, so now I know it's the truth. He does like her, like a kid in school would have a crush on a girl. It's funny but kind of sad at the same time. Justin has never been one to crush...just one to seek out the girl he wants and take her for himself like some kind of animal. It's weird to see him like this, so obedient, so scared that he'll do something or say something wrong to piss her off. I could be worried, but the more I hang around Melanie the more harmless she seems. I take back what I said before about wishing Lynn hadn't hired her. I'm actually glad that she's the one that's taking care of him now. She's keeping him calm, and focused on what he has to do. I know that in itself is a damn miracle, considering the circumstances Sometimes I can be such a pig headed asshole, and I guess just like Justin...I need to work on myself a little more too. "We're friends," he nods. "It's good having somebody around who has their shit together, you know? It keeps me from going more crazy than I already am. It doesn't mean I like her or anything." "Hey I'm just telling you what it looks like to me," I defend. "Has your mother been around when you two act like this?" "Act like what?," he snaps. "She's been around, yeah, but she hasn't said anything like this to me. I know you're just doing what you do best, Trace. Being an asshole to piss me off." I almost get back at him by asking Justin if they've fucked yet, but I have to bite my lip. Melanie has walked back into our midst now, clearing our empty plates. I figure our conversation will move onto other things, like sunshine and daisies. But Justin's pride has seemed to take over, and I know I shouldn't have pushed him so hard. "What the fuck do you care what I do anyway?," he grunts at me. Melanie turns around from her spot at the sink and stares at us. "I was just kidding around, christ," I get up from the table and shake my head at him. "You get so damn edgy." "Everything okay?," I hear Melanie say. "Justin?" "He's just being himself," he says, glaring at me. "And he was leaving anyway." I frown a little bit. I guess he's kicking me out, but should I really have expected anything else from him? I've struck one of his precious nerves, and god forbid anybody should tell him he's wrong or make him admit his feelings to himself. Maybe coming here was a mistake. I probably should have just called or something...planned ahead. But I just figured we could act like adults and come to terms with things. I mean, yeah he looks better but his attitude is still the same. I'm getting disgusted again. I really need to leave. "Yeah, I was." I shake my head a little bit. "See you around, Justin." "Wait." It's Melanie again and I sigh. Not only is she Susie Homemaker, but she's also Justin's saving grace when it comes to people getting pissed off at him. If only she knew how he acted a few months back. If only she knew about Kerri... But I refuse to think about Kerri right now. I turn back and sigh. "It's fine," I say. "I have things to do anyway." "Yeah," Justin scoffs. "Like sit in his house." "Look," she says, ignoring the both of us. "I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but Trace, maybe you should give Justin a break. You know, you didn't give him any time to get ready for your visit and from what I understand you two haven't spoken in awhile." "She's right." Justin smiles at me, like he's just won some fucking contest. It makes me want to punch him. "And Justin...." He frowns. "You should give Trace a break. At least he's here, trying to salvage your friendship." She pauses and smiles at me a little bit. "Most people wouldn't take the time to do that." I feel like we're on some twisted version of Full House, I glance at the door ready to see Joey Gladstone bust through with some stupid ass joke but it never happens. I'm still uncomfortable though. I've never really been one to be all sappy and shit, and it's kind of sickening to hear Melanie say all this stuff. It's like she's become the mediator, when I thought that was my job all along. Weird. It's weird. It's weird and I should go. "I...um...I should probably go anyway though. I have a dinner meeting later on and I need to get my shit together. You know how it is Justin." One glance at him and I know he thinks I'm full of shit, but I don't care. I mean, it's not totally a lie. I told Tarin I'd meet her after work for dinner. It's not really a meeting but, it doesn't matter anyway. I'm uncomfortable and the fact that this is the first time I've been on good terms with Justin in four months is really making me agitated. I need to reflect on all of this and figure out what I need to do to make all of this right again. "Oh yeah," Justin nods. "Sure." "I um...have to give this house a pretty good cleaning tomorrow," Melanie speaks up quickly before I can escape. "Why don't you two do something?" Justin doesn't respond. He's still brooding in his seat, probably because Melanie just pointed out how stupid he was acting. I hate when he gets like this. It's so childish and honestly he should have gotten past being so sensitive by now. "We could go to the driving range,"I force myself to suggest, even though he's the one that should be concerned about hanging out with me again. I guess I know that deep down he probably does want to hang out as soon as possible, but he's too scared and stubborn to make the first offer. I shouldn't have expected him to act differently. "I guess," he mumbles in reply. "That...that'll be okay." "All right. I'll call you tomorrow. Thanks for the food and stuff, Melanie." "Sure," she says quickly and steps closer to me. "Let me show you out." In all honesty I could show myself out, but Melanie seems pretty uncomfortable at the moment, so I'll let her do what she wants. I guess it's weird for her seeing Justin and I starting to reunite and stuff, seeing as how she knows nothing about our past history growing up. I'd probably feel out of place too. "So you'll call tomorrow right?," she laughs nervously as she opens the door for me. "Because you know...if you don't call, Justin will..." "He'll talk about it all day I know," I interrupt with a smile. "Don't worry about it. I'll call. I'm not one of those people who goes back on their word." "All right." She seems satisfied with what I've said, so I start to walk out to my car, trying to figure out what the hell happened in there and what my friendship with Justin is going to be like now that we've reconciled. "Trace." I turn around. She's still standing there, looking as uncomfortable as ever. Still, I smile at her, not wanting to make the situation any worse than it is. "Yeah?" "I shouldn't have said all that stuff to you when I met you," she says sadly. "I just didn't know what had gone on, and I didn't want Justin to get hurt anymore than he had been." I shrug. "I misjudged you too," I confess. "I didn't think you belonged here but...the truth is, I haven't seen him look this good in a long time. So I guess I should be thanking you." "Maybe I'll see you tomorrow," she tells me quickly. "I"d stay and chat but I'm sure the dogs are wreaking havoc somewhere in the house. Bye, Trace." I wave and she disappears into the house, leaving me alone in the driveway. I shake my head and smile as I get into my car, thinking how crazy I am for even showing up here today, and how stupid I was for thinking Melanie was this big stupid bitch who needed to be outed. In all honestly, she seems really sweet, and she's really pretty too. She's like the type of girl that I'd date if I was still living back home, that sweet innocent girl next door. For a minute or two I'm almost jealous of Justin for having yet...another thing in his life that I could never have. But then I remember that I live in Los Angeles, I have a hot ass girlfriend that I'm meeting for dinner, and I have a lot more going for me personality wise than Justin does right now. I should just be happy that I'm finally getting back on track with my life, after all this time of wallowing in misery and sadness. It's with these thoughts in my head that I manage to pull up to the radio station and wait for Tarin to get out of work. It seems like an eternity, and I suddenly remember just why it is that I hate hanging out around here during the daytime. There's so many sketchy people hanging around, bums really. It makes me kind of sick to think that Kerri is alone in this mess now, and I'm the cause of it. Maybe I'm wrong...fuck, maybe I can ask Justin what he thinks tomorrow. But no...no, how can I ask him for Kerri advice? The whole point of this is to keep Kerri out of our conversations. But how is that possible? "Hi sexy." I look up into the smiling face of my girlfriend. She leans in through the window and we kiss a little bit. That's one of my favorite things...it always has been, and it's sexy as hell that she remembers. "Hi baby." She gets into my car and we drive off. She proceeds to tell me about her day, and the calm, sweet sound of her voice makes any aggressions I may have built up at Justin's go away completely. I melt into her, and I start to wonder how I could have possibly allowed such an awesome person slip through my fingers. I mean yeah, the distance thing had something to do with it but if I tried hard enough I probably could have made it work. I can't help but wonder, what if things had been different? What if she'd had a boyfriend when I came to ask her for help getting Kerri a job? Would she had felt as sorry for me? Would Kerri and I have even gotten into that fight? I guess I shouldn't think about it though. This is what's happening right now, this is reality, and I should be happy with that and not dwell on things so much. "Yeah and it's just such a joke. I mean, I've been there for almost eight years, and some intern thinks shes going to get the job over me? It's ridiculous babe." She rambling on, and I'm sorry to say I was barely paying attention to what she was saying in the first place. That makes me a horrible person right now but I mean, I did have kind of an emotional roller coaster of a day. I put my hand on her inner thigh and rub it gently, so it makes it look like I completely understand. Terrible. "Don't worry about it, Tar," I glance at her and flash her a gentle smile. "You're the best one there anyway." She pecks me on the cheek. "So where are we going?" "Oh..." I feel myself blush a little, because I was dork and booked a reservation at this really nice place up in Bel Air. I didn't tell her, I sort of wanted it to be special. But it's weird because I normally don't do things like this. I"m more conservative, happy with a Denny's dinner over some fancy overpriced steak anytime. But Tarin...it's like I feel like she's too good for places like that. Or maybe I just want her to feel that way. "Well I figured I'd surprise ya." "Surprises? From you?," she scoffs. "I know," I laugh. "That's a surprise in itself." "What's the occasion mister?" I glance at her again, and let my gaze linger on her for a few minutes, not being able to help but think about how amazingly hot she is. I may not remember the sex we had when I was drunk the last night, but I damn well remember the sex we had a few nights before. I'd been playing it cool because we had only just started dating and I didn't want her to think I wanted to get in her pants so quick. I mean, yeah of course I did...but I wasn't going to be a jerk about it. Anyway, we ended up going out that night with a few of her friends. We partied, but I didn't really get that trashed, just tipsy. Afterwards we went back to my place, and walked up the stairs to my apartment laughing like a couple of stupid kids. When we got inside I told her that she could just crash at my place because I didn't want her driving home if she'd been drinking. So we watched a movie... The next thing I knew we were rolling around in my bed, having this crazy wild sex romp. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had it that good, that many times, or for that amount of time. It was probably back before the kidnapping, sometime when Elisha had been able to make it out to one of Justin's shows. And that was a long, long time ago. Six months at least. I never realized how horny I was, I guess my mind had been too preoccupied with other things. But when we came together that first time...long and hard, screaming each others names, I'd realized how much I'd missed having sex, how fun it was, and how important it was to care about the other person I was having it with. "No occasion really." I give her thigh a firm squeeze. "Just thought it would be nice to take my girl out." "Hmm, your girl," she grins. "Never thought I'd hear you say that to me again, Trace." She takes my hand and I lace my fingers through hers before lifting her hand to my lips, giving it a soft kiss. "I um...I went to Justin's," I say after a few moments. She smiles at me and I know she's proud. We had a long talk about this earlier in the week, when I'd been convinced it wasn't such a good idea after all. She told me that she knew how close I was with Justin, and even if she didn't know him as well as I did, it was important that I tried to rekindle our friendship. I think I took her advice to heart, because initially if it wasn't for Justin, I wouldn't have even met Tarin in the first place. He'd hooked up with her first, and I'd ran into her in the continental breakfast line the next morning. Of course it had been awkward, and Justin did get kind of pissed the next week when she'd called me instead of him, but in the end he'd found somebody else to fuck anyway. Tarin was just too good for that sort of thing. She didn't need to hang onto the hopes of Justin's phone calls. She hooked up with him, she met me and then she forgot about him. It was that simple. I think it was the only time I'd felt like I'd gotten one up on Justin. "So...dish boy! What happened?" "We talked," I nod. "I think...it was good. We're speaking, so I guess that's as much as I could have hoped for. We're supposed to go to the driving range tomorrow, so I'll have to see what happens I guess." "See? I told you everything would be fine." She nudges me playfully. "You worry too much." "Yeah." I grip the steering wheel harder and bite my lip. Bringing up the fact that I worry too much makes me think of Kerri...about the terrible things I said to her yesterday. I realize that I don't even know if she made it into work today, and I'm dying to ask Tarin but I just don't know how she'll react. When the whole thing happened, and Kerri left the venue, Tarin told me I should just forget her and move on. But how can I just forget her? No matter what I do, she'll always outshine the majority of my other friends in a way. We've done things together and confided in each other so much in our lifetime, that I know nobody can take her place. "I hate to ask, babe. I just....I mean, did Kerri make it into work today?" She rolls her eyes a little. "I guess I knew you'd ask." "I just don't want anything bad to happen to her." I give her a pleading look. "You understand, right?" She sighs. "Yeah she made it. Somebody dropped her off, but I didn't get to talk to her. I mean, I wasn't planning on it anyway but she was cooped up in David's office when I left to do a few errands at the venue, and when I got back she was still in there." She bites her lip. "I wasn't going to say anything but...since you asked I guess I can just tell you that I don't like it, Trace." David Foster is one of those guys you meet at a bar or a pool party and feel like punching in the face or pushing in the pool, but don't because his sister is hot and you're afraid you won't be able to get on her good side if you follow through with what you want to do. He's arrogant, selfish, and really deceptive. But he's always supported NSYNC, and Justin's career. That's the one thing that's kept my respect for him just over the borderline. I mean, I know it's just because having Justin come into the studio has done wonders for his career and shit that he's been nice to me, but I've never been able to be a dick to him. It's just not in me. But right now I'm just not sure what to think. Tarin seems a little concerned, even though she's lost most of her respect for Kerri at this point. Tarin isn't one to worry unless something is serious, and something is telling me she knows more than what she's letting on. "Well he's her boss. He had to have been pissed about yesterday, right?" "Not pissed enough to keep her in his office all day," Tarin chuckles. "David has intentions when he pulls shit like this." "Intentions?" She's quiet for awhile after that and it makes me even more confused. It's seems like I've reached a really touchy subject with her and it's weird because I thought I knew everything about this girl...that she didn't have a reason to keep anything from me. It's a little annoying that she's decided to tell me some kind of secret now...after we've slept together. But hell, maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe I should just give her a chance to tell me what's on her mind and then make assumptions. Yeah. It's something I need to work on too, not jumping to conclusions. I tend to do it with the wrong people, and it's probably part of the reason why my friendships tend to get fucked up from time to time. "I haven't really told anybody about it," she whispers, and takes her hand out of mine. "It's weird and I just...I try to forget about what I did." I drive off the exit, and soon we are pulling up to our destination. I look over at her, and she looks so upset, I almost wish we'd gone back to my place first or something. "Tarin, are..are you okay?" "Oh yeah." She shakes her head and sighs before looking at me again. "I'll be okay. We can talk about this later if you want. I don't want to spoil dinner." I give her a weird look. "Tarin, you're not spoiling anything," I say seriously. "If you need to talk we'll talk. I can turn around, go back home...whatever you want to do." She gazes out the window. "Vinceti's," she coos. "Trace...how did you remember?" I'm a retard. I took her here on our first date because I wanted to show off. At the time, it nearly broke my wallet because I was living out of a suitcase on Justin's tour bus. But she absolutely loved it, so it made it all worth it even though Justin broke my balls for the next month because I made him pay for all of my food. "I couldn't forget," I mumble, embarrassed. She turns back to me after a moment. She's smiling now, whatever she was upset about obviously having been washed away with the realization of where we are. "I can't believe you went to all this trouble." "It wasn't any trouble," I reassure her. She pulls my face close to hers after that, and gives me a long slow kiss that nearly makes me want to take her back home so we can do things. But then I calm down. For one, I really want to take her to this place, and well...i want to know what's on her mind with this whole David thing. A tapping on the window puts a stop to our little make out session though, and I look over to find the valet standing there, ready to take my key from me. Sheepishly, I roll down the window and hand it to him, along with a twenty dollar bill to keep him from making some smart ass comment. I meet Tarin at the door a moment later, and take her hand. "I want us to talk when we get seated," I tell her quietly. "About David." "But Trace..." I give her a pleading look. "Ugh, fine." The maitre' d seats us at a quiet table in the back of the restaurant, and I'm thankful that he thought enough to keep us away from the majority of the crowd. In the candlelight she truly looks beautiful, and the best thing about it is that she didn't spend hours getting ready, she came straight from work. I love natural beauty. It cant compare to any make over. "You okay?" She nods. "I need a drink." I laugh a little. "I think we both do." The wine list comes and I get us a bottle of some fancy shit that Tarin points out. I'm not really one for wine at all, and I'm surprised that I actually like it when I try it. It's another point for her I guess. "So..." I say, after taking another sip. "David." She lowers the menu away from her face. "I don't want this to change things between us," she whispers. "I mean, I just got you back. I...I don't want to lose you a second time." Hearing her say that makes me feel so awesome inside, that if we weren't in this swank setting I'd probably start making out with her at the table right now. But I know I can't do that, so I just grab her hand again and smile at her. "I'm right here," I promise her. "I'm not going anywhere, all right? I don't care what happened in the past or anything like that. That's not important." She nods, and looks down at the table for awhile before continuing on. "We fooled around a lot. Pretty much up until you walked into my office that day, Trace. I never had a steady boyfriend after we broke it off, and then you know...i really wanted to get ahead at KISS. David could make that happen so I just went along with what he wanted. I know it's weird...that was never me when I was around you and Justin. But I needed to do what I had to do." If I had known that had been going on I would have made sure it stopped. Fuck, I could have easily gotten her a hook up at a better radio station. Sure, she might have had to relocate and stuff but at least she wouldn't have had to sleep with that douche bag. "Why didn't you tell me?," I say sadly. "I could have helped you out." "You were busy with Justin," she laughs. "I never wanted to burden you with anything, Trace. You know I've always been one to take care of myself. It wasn't so bad in the beginning. We would just hook up on a whim. But then he'd want it all the time and when...I wouldn't give it to him he would threaten to demote me, or give important events to one of the other girls." "And you think he's going to try that with Kerri?" "I really don't know. He could have had his reasons for talking to her all day, but I know David...and I've seen the way he looks at her. I feel responsible," she sighs. "Maybe if I hadn't been such a bitch to her she would have blown him off." I shrug a little bit. Honestly, we were probably both out of line yesterday with how we treated Kerri, but at the same time I think she needed to experience it. She spends way too much time relishing people feeling sorry for her, instead of being her own person and fending for herself. Kerri knew that Tarin wasn't out to be her best friend from the beginning, so there's no reason for her to feel bad. "No," I whisper, looking her in the eye. "You shouldn't feel bad about anything. Kerri needed to experience our attitudes yesterday. All this shit with her has gone on long enough, you know?" "I don't know." She sighs and looks down at her lap. "I just don't want David to do things to her that she can't handle. I mean, I'm really strong. I don't feel bad about the things he's said to me or probably will say. But Kerri is on her last nerve half the time. She's high strung and yeah I don't really like her all that much, but still...she shouldn't have to be put through this too." "Kerri has a good head on her shoulders." I know that's true. Yeah, she may be a mess right now but she knows what to do in her life to protect herself from assholes like David Foster. I know she couldn't be stupid enough to let him manipulate her into his bed. She's had enough experience with Justin to know better. It's girls like Melanie, the one's with no experience that get screwed over in the end. I should probably tell Tarin about Melanie too. How I'm worried about her, just like I'm worried about Kerri and I shouldn't be. But I dont know. The fact that Melanie is working for Justin like she is isn't really anybody's business. I doubt that Lynn or Justin would want me telling an outside party about what's really going on. I mean, it's obvious that Justin isn't working right now and it would be weird to most people that he has some girl living with him. Not that I don't trust Tarin. I do. I just don't want her to think something that's not true, like I did when I first found out about Melanie. I'll let it go for now...at least until there comes a time when I decide to hang out with Melanie, Justin, and my girlfriend at the same time. "She's not going to let him conn her into sleeping with him or anything else like that," I reassure her, squeezing her hand a little bit. "And even if she did sleep with him, it would be on her conscience...not on anybody else's. I don't want you to worry about it anymore, all right? Please." I lean across the table and give her a soft kiss. She smiles back at me. "All right." I'm glad I've just put her mind at ease. It makes me feel good to know that I'm the one who's been able to take the stress off of her shoulders. The only problem is, now I've taken that stress on myself. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared for Kerri. Yeah she's smart but I don't know how much I fucked her up yesterday. For all I know she could have started to cling to the first person that came along. If she gets hurt...doesn't that make me responsible? Fuck, I shouldn't have flipped out on her. But damn it I just had to do it, or I wouldn't be sitting her with Tarin right now...I'd be home talking to Kerri about how she needs to stop being miserable. And now more than ever, I realize how much I've been missing in my life because I was putting Kerri first. We order dinner and the rest of the night is pretty normal. We talk about what's going on in Tennessee. She tells me I should go and if she gets the time off of work, she'd like to come with me. It makes me smile. I'd love to bring her home to my mom, I really think they'd get along well because they're both really funny and level headed. I drive us back to the radio station after dinner so she can pick her car up, but it takes her awhile to even make it out of my own car because we can't seem to keep our hands off of each other. "I have work in the morning," she laughs as I shove my hand up her shirt and begin to toy around with her bra. "Trace..." "Sleep over," I plead. It's sad, but I find it so much easier to sleep when she's in bed with me. I wrap my arms around her and doze off...dreaming about how hot she is and how secure I feel with her beside me. Waking up is great too. I try to be quiet, just watching her sleep. It's great to know that she cares...at least for now, until I do something stupid. But no, I'm not going to anything stupid. This is a new start...right. A new start and I'm going to make it work. "But I have to work." She grins. "You want me to be tired at work?" "No," I pout. "But I don't want to be restless tonight either." She rolls her eyes, but her smile doesn't fade. "You're bringing me to work in the morning." I laugh a little, knowing I've won yet again and I start up my car. "I know." I've never driven home so fast in my life, and when we reach the door to my apartment I'm kissing her so hard and touching her so much that I can barely get my key in the door. We kiss frantically, stripping off each others clothing and collapse onto my bed together. We have amazing, passionate sex, that lasts longer and feels better than the last time. I fall asleep with my arms around her, looking into her beautiful chocolate eyes, mumbling sexy shit about her to myself that makes her giggle sleepily and kiss me softly on the face. And it's safe to say that I finally have at least one thing in my life going exactly the way I want it to. |
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double post
Edited By: ialwayzbesingin
08/31/2008 8:55 PM.
Edited 1 times.
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insomniachollie |
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I have no idea how you manage to write this, honey - I'm emotionally confused and battered just reading it!! You're amazing, chick.
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SmileyMere |
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It's cause she has a sick, twisted, evil mind and likes to torture people. I pets you, Courtney.
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lisawlsc |
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I am so addicted to this story. My mind is being warped by it, and I'm loving every minute. Please keep writing...I almost died from withdraw this last
time. I thought you may have given up on updating.
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ialwayzbesingin |
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Sorry its been so long between updates guys. Things have been kind of going non stop, but I promise you I"m not stopping the story by any means. I plan on
finishing it. I think if i stopped Meredith would fly to my home and beat me down so yeah haha, enjoy.
****************** Back To Basics I woke up on the bathroom floor this morning. My mouth had tasted sour and when I'd finally managed to sit up my head had begun to pound like somebody had just beat the crap out of me. Funny, I couldn't remember what my first drink had been the night before, or which one had completely put me over the edge. All I knew was that I'd been a drunken mess by midnight, and Tarin had been egging me on to drink more along with the group of friends that had gone out with us. I thought I may have fucked her before I started puking in the bathroom, but I couldn't be too sure. She left early this morning for work too so it's not like I could have asked her. In any case I feel like a complete asshole either way. It's been forever since I've gotten that wasted... And I know I only did it for one reason. Despite the fact that I screamed at her, that I told her I was done with her...that she could pretty much fall off the face of the planet and it wouldn't phase me, I still feel horrible about it all. I mean fuck, thats Kerri. I've been there for her through everything, and managed to keep somewhat of a level head. Sure, things sort of started to fall apart recently and all, but was turning my back on her really the right decision to make? When I didn't get up to bring her to work this morning, was it sending her the right message? Was it really "teaching her a lesson" so to speak? I just don't fucking know. I do know that it's taken every ounce of strength inside of me to keep myself from picking up the phone to see if she's okay. It's why I got drunk last night. Tarin told me everything would be fine, that Kerri is more trouble than she's worth and I need to focus on making myself happy. That should make me feel great too...I mean any other time I'd be really happy that Tarin was supporting my decision. But she doesn't know about the things that Kerri has endured...the things she's seen. And she doesn't know that Justin was brutally raped by some sick fucking asshole, either. On the other hand, I just can't take it anymore. Kerri's attitude has only seemed to get worse since she moved out, and it seems to be because I've started seeing Tarin. I just don't understand, because she really seemed to want me to be happy for awhile there. Maybe it's because we fooled around that time, but I don't know. We both realized that being physical wasn't healthy for either of us...too much shit had happened already. So then why does it bother her so much that I've moved on? I guess maybe she was scared that I didn't care about her so much anymore, but fuck she knows better than that. Or at least, I thought she did. Okay, there was that one night she called me and I pretty much blew her off. But what was I supposed to do? It was one o'clock in the morning, and I was in the middle of having sex with Tarin. Stopping all of that to talk to Kerri on the phone wouldn't have just been fucked up from Tarin's perspective...but hell, I was in the moment. Kerri was lucky I could even remember her name, let alone keep a straight tone over the phone. I know I could have talked to her about it in the morning when I'd driven her to work, but I just wasn't in the mood then. That probably makes me a jerk too, and I know that. But damn it, Tarin is my girl and if I'm sleeping with her I don't see why I need to explain myself to Kerri. That's the thing that made me lose it yesterday I think. It was like she expected an explanation out of me. Like she wanted me to say 'oh it's not that serious, I'm just going to sleep with her until I get bored.' It pissed me off. And then to top things off she starts talking about how Justin doesn't talk to her anymore. Honestly, what the fuck did that have to do with anything? Justin had nothing to do with our conversation at all. Even though I've decided to give it a go and try to work things out with Justin, I pushed her away anyway. I guess it really pissed me off that she was still concerned about his feelings for her after how badly he treated her when they were on speaking terms. My feelings towards Justin are a lot different that Kerri's are, and she's so fucked up she can't realize that he probably hasn't thought about her since they broke up anyway. Part of me regrets what I did. But mostly, I feel a little bit better knowing I don't have to worry about her so much...at least for now. She's in a good place, at that home where people can help her. And I just...I just need to get myself back together, all the way. I owe it to myself. And now that Tarin is in my life again, I think I owe it to her too. We've only really been dating for two weeks now. But hell, it feels like we'd never broken up in the first place. Am I falling too hard too fast? Maybe. Do I care? Fuck no. She's great. I mean, really great. After Kerri was out of the house, and Tarin would start coming over, I remembered all the shit that used to drive me crazy about her back when we'd originally dated; her smile, her laugh, the crazy stories she'd tell me about her family, her friends, and her career. It was refreshing to hear funny shit coming from somebody for a change. There's no drama with Tarin, I know it, and I'm going with it, until I have a reason not to. She makes me happy, the happiest I've been in awhile and that's good...it's healthy. Especially because I have to do a lot of difficult shit in the coming weeks, and I need something in my life to ease the tension. I got a wedding invitation in the mail the other day. At first I was confused, because normally when there's a wedding going on I find out about it way in advance so I can plan for it. When I opened it though, I figured out just why it was that my mom hadn't mentioned anything to me. Justin's cousin is getting married next month in Tennessee, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely uncomfortable going back home. A family wedding means..well..just that, family. And in our family, when somebody is getting married, I think every long lost relative in the Ayala and Timberlake family crawls out of the woodwork. It's horrible to say it too, but I know 99 percent of the time it's because everybody and their granny wants to see Justin. It used to irk us alot when we were younger and Justin was getting really famous. Everybody would flock down home for birthdays, holidays...shit like that. Even his dad would show up, and in the beginning it was fucking weird as hell because he'd never really paid much attention to Justin after he'd married his second wife. We went with it though. All we really had to do was hide around back and not tell anybody where we were going. That's how me Justin and Kerri spent the bulk of our family get togethers: smoking weed in the woods behind Lynn's house, not caring what anybody else thought. I remember being grateful for moments like that when Justin had been caught up in so much hysteria. It gave us a sense of reality, and it gave Kerri a chance to see us the way she knew us...instead of caught up in some crazy spotlight. It's sad to think things will never be like that again. I've been meaning to ask somebody whether or not Kerri is supposed to go to this thing. I'd ask Lynn but seeing as how she basically told me not to talk about her the last time, I don't think it's a good idea. I guess the best thing I can do is ask Kerri about it when things have calmed down a little bit, even though I have no idea what I'll say to her. If she's going its probably because her parents are making her, and I'm sure she wants even less to do with the whole thing than I do. To make things worse, I have the feeling that Lynn is forcing Justin to go home for this as well. If they ran into each other, I know things could get really ugly really fast, and so...once again, I feel like I have to keep my guard up...be the mediator or something. It's stupid and it sucks but I feel like if I don't do it, somebody's wedding will be unnecessarily ruined. I guess that's partly why I'm here today. It's ridiculous that I'm shaking right now. I've known Justin my entire life, and we've done everything together. I've told him my deepest secrets, and we've cried together. There's not a reason in the world I should be nervous, but yet...i feel like I'm going to puke. I guess it's because the last time I saw Justin I told him I never wanted to see him again. I regret it now, but back then I was so disgusted with him I didn't really care what I said. I've been stubborn for a long time too, I know that. It's really because of Lynn that I finally pulled my head out of my ass. I mean, what was I thinking anyway? Justin's like my brother...it's stupid that I've shut him out for this long, and it's time we talked again. We're both grown adults, and it's horrible to say but...now that Kerri is out of the picture I think we'll be able to think a little bit clearer too. Fuck, I'm a terrible person. I pull the key out of my pocket, chuckling a little bit when I put it in the lock and it opens the door. Despite how paranoid he is, he still didn't change the locks on me, and I know he probably didn't with the hopes that I'd come back over to talk. I take a few steps into the house, and knock on the door a little before closing it behind me. It's quiet, but then again it's only ten in the morning. Knowing Justin, he's probably still asleep. But that's not who I'm really worried about running into anyway. It's that Melanie girl I'm concerned about. I still don't know how I feel about her being here. She didn't really hit me the right way the day we had lunch with Lynn, until she followed me out to the car. She seemed a lot more genuine then, because I guess she saw something in me that she hadn't allowed herself to before. I think she may have realized that I cared about Justin a lot....but I was just being stubborn as always. In any case, it's made me wonder about her a lot...about how she is with Justin. If he's been doing okay with her around instead of me. "Hello?" I call out. No answer. Figuring he's asleep and she's running another infamous errand, I take a seat on the familiar sectional leather sofa in Justin's living room and turn the TV on. It's so weird, it's like I never even left the house. Everything is still the same as it always was, right down to the placement of the old magazines strewn across the coffee table and the familiar scent of Justin's favorite Yankee Candle filling the air. I feel more at home than I've felt in months, like I could just grab a beer from the fridge(even though I know it's not there) and fall asleep in front of the TV. "What the fuck!" I gasp and jump up from the couch, whirling around to come face to face with none other than Melanie herself. She looks terrified, and I'm sure I'm the last person she expected to find chilling out on Justin's sofa. I really should apologize and explain myself, but considering I'm pretty sure I got laid last night, and that she looks like she's been scrubbing out a toilet all morning, I'll be a little cocky instead. "Hey Mel," I chuckle. "Looking good I see." "How the did you get in here?" She demands, slapping the rag in her hand at her side. "You gave me a damn heart attack!" "Calm down, would you?" I sit back down on the couch again and resume channel surfing before continuing on. "You honestly thought I didn't have a key?" "You honestly thought it was okay to just come waltzing into the house unannounced?" She storms around the sofa and stands in front of the television, so I'm forced to pay attention. "What the hell, Trace? I shrug. "I have a right to be here, Melanie. You don't have to act like it's the worst thing in the world." One thing I can already tell about this girl is she overreacts way too much. Being through what I've been through with Justin, I know that she probably has her reasons for being this way but fuck...it's really annoying. "I mean, yeah, next time I'll call if it will make you feel better...." "It will," she interrupts me with a roll of her eyes. "I mean, thats what most civilized people do anyway." Bickering with her is going to get me nowhere, and I've been entirely too stressed out as it is this week without making it worse. So I'll just get to the point, like I should have done from the beginning. "I'm here to see Justin," I tell her, seriously. "Well, does he know that you're coming?," she scoffs. "Because I don't need to give him the same heart attack that you just gave me." "Look, I shouldn't have to ask your permission to be here, and you know...you do work for Lynn," I point out. "So if you could just get him for me...." "Mel, what's going on?" I guess I don't need to argue with her anymore after all. Justin is on the stairs now, with nothing but a towel around his waist. I can tell he just got out of the shower, and honestly I'm kind of shocked he'd come downstairs so scantily clad in front of the girl. It makes my mind swim with a thousand questions that I'm scared of getting the answer to, so I just stand up and make my presence known before Melanie can talk me down, or tell Justin to go upstairs until she 'handles' things. "Hey, Justin." I shove my hands in my pockets, and lick my lips nervously, not knowing what's about to happen and partially too scared to find out. He just stares at me. "He...he let himself in." Melanie stumbles with her words, like Justin is her master or something and she's broken the rules. "I'm sorry, Justin. I...I didn't know, or I would have told you." "Well that's Trace," Justin speaks up softly after a moment. "Just does whatever the hell he feels like. It's not your fault, Mel." I stare back at him, knowing I deserved that for showing up at his house like this, but hating his attitude at the same time. Honestly, he doesn't know why I'm here. What if it was a life or death kind of thing? What if I had come to tell him something really important? I hate that he's jumping to conclusions. But then again, should I have expected any other reaction after all this time? "I thought we could talk," I say, quietly. "Why?" He laughs sadly. "You finally realized how stupid you are?" It makes me want to punch him. "LIsten asshole...." "I"m not going to stand here and watch you two tear each other apart." Melanie intervenes, angrily. "Justin, your dogs still need to be walked. Remember?" He takes his angry gaze off of me for a split second so he can look over at Melanie. "They're still asleep. I"ll do it in a few minutes." "And when they pee all over your sheets, I'm not going to wash them," she snaps. "God, Justin...it's not my fault somebody decided to mess up the routine today." She steals an angry glance at me. "Walk them." She points a finger at him, and turns on her heel, disappearing into the kitchen. It's so weird. If I'd never met them before and didn't know any better I'd think they were an old married couple. She orders him around like she's the master of the house and Justin seems to linger on her every word. Even now, he looks like he feels bad...like he should have known better. He's even turning around to head back upstairs. It seems like he's forgotten that I'm even here and fuck...I don't know what to think, but I do know that Melanie shouldn't be working for Justin. It's obvious that she confuses the hell out of him, and I have to wonder what the hell Lynn was thinking about when she hired the girl to work here. "Dogs?" I say. He stops on the stairs. "You're still here?" "We need to talk, Justin," I nod. "You know that we do." He laughs. "I thought you never wanted to see my fucking face again, Trace. Those were your words." I sigh. "I was angry, Justin. Could you blame me? What you did was pretty fucked up." I won't mention Kerri's name, because I know I don't need to. We both know what he did, and he should know that alone was grounds for me to cut him off completely. He slaps his hand on the handrail. "You act like I didn't feel terrible about it." There's a look in his eyes that I can't really describe. He looks hurt, angry and scared all at the same time. I know I've reached a delicate subject that neither of us is ready to talk about, so I'll move on. "I just...I've been thinking. I don't want to lose you as a friend, Justin. You're too important...like family, you know? And I think deep down you feel the same way. Give me an hour. That's all I'm asking. In fact, I shouldn't even have to ask. I'm the one who's doing you a favor by being here." He glares at me. "You're not doing me any favors, dumb ass." He sighs after that and takes a few minutes to battle out his decision in his head. "But I guess..." he finally says. "I guess I owe you at least an hour." I could be a dick and maintain my serious demeanor but instead I just smile, and let out a hearty laugh. "More like ten years, but I'll let you slide." "Let me get clothes on and get the dogs. We can go for a walk or something," he says, and walks back up the stairs. I sit back down on the sofa to wait for him to return. That went a lot better than I expected, and I'm kind of surprised. I smile to myself as I reach for a magazine to thumb through. Maybe this is a positive step. Maybe I can talk to him...really talk to him, and get some shit off my chest. Maybe he's changed...maybe, just maybe...I can finally have my best friend back after all this time. "What are you planning on talking to him about?" Melanie's voice echos from somewhere behind me and I roll my eyes, not bothering to turn around and face her this time. "Does it matter?" "Yeah, because I don't need him getting upset right now." She's leaning over the couch now, her face directly in front of mine. It's the first time I've really gotten a close look at Melanie. That time in the car I was too distraught to really care, but now....now I'm taking her in. She has a welcoming complexion, a natural kindness. Somebody I could easily get comfortable with in about five minutes. Her eyes are soft, but bright, and pretty. If the circumstances were different, I'm sure I'd view her in a completely different way. Hell, maybe I'd even be friends with her. I can see right through this whole seriousness front she's putting on for me. I can tell just by looking at her that the girl is a total sweetheart who'd do anything for you. And that scares me...not because I find myself suddenly wanting to trust her... But because I know what Justin can do to a vulnerable girl like her. I cross my arms and smirk a little bit. "You two are pretty close huh?" She swallows and clears her throat slightly. "Why...why do you say that?" "Just seems obvious." I shrug. "You're getting pretty defensive over him, don't you think?" "Somebody has to look out for him," she says, gruffly. "And as we discussed the last time we saw each other, you haven't been around." I toss the magazine back on the table and sigh. "I don't want to argue with you Melanie. I've just...i've been doing alot of thinking and I guess the stuff Lynn talked to me about that day at the restaurant really got to ,me that's all. I'm not an asshole or anything, but for a long time things with Justin and I weren't working out. I didn't feel like sticking around was the best thing for either of us." "But you're not supposed to desert your friends," she whispers, a sad look in her eyes. There's so much that she can't know about, and I realize now just how naive she is to everything that's happened. I doubt Justin has told her much, if anything, about what happened to him in that place and after the fact. I do get the feeling though, that he blamed the fact that he's been all alone solely on myself and Kerri. That really makes me angry enough to walk out right now too, but I know I can't. I need to get some shit off of my chest, and since I don't have a damn thing going on today it's the best opportunity to do it. "There's a lot more to it than what you think, Melanie," I say. She crosses her arms. "I doubt it." The scratching of nails against wood flooring causes me to forget about my discussion with her for the moment, and look up at the staircase. I have to laugh when I see Justin struggling with two boxer puppies on a leash. I'm assuming Lynn must have gotten them for him, because Justin was always talking about getting a couple of dogs as soon as the tour was over. They're loud and they bark and jump around. Justin doesn't seem thrilled at all, but I can't help but laugh out loud. "Damn, Justin. Got your hands full I guess?" He glares at me as the puppies pull him down the stairs. "Shut up." "Don't come back until they've both done their business. I dont feel like cleaning up dog mess again, Justin," Melanie orders him. Justin is pulled to the door. The dogs start whining and scratching at the door, obviously eager to get outside. I look on with an amused smirk. It's great to see Justin finally having to do some shit for himself. One thing I've noticed about Melanie is that she doesn't put up with his excuses...at all. Maybe thats how she got him to go running, like she told me about. I'm almost impressed. It almost makes me forget about how much I dislike her vulnerability, and bossy attitude. I mean, I guess Justin needs somebody like that. I guess...i just couldn't be that way with him because I was his best friend, and I was so scared of breaking him again. In a way, it's better that Melanie doesn't know a lot of what happened. It gives her grounds to make Justin wake up. But at the same time, a small part of me still doesn't trust it. At the same time...something inside of me is telling me that Melanie is going to get hurt no matter how strong she is. I'd tell her but I guess it's not my place. Not that she'd believe me anyway...she'd just call me a selfish asshole and then I'd get pissed. No, for today at least I'll just stick with what I know.... Justin and his shitty attitude. "You coming?," he sighs as he manages to get the door open. I glance back at Melanie, who has proceeded to remove all the pictures and trinkets on the mantle so she can dust it. She doesn't look back at us, and I know that she's completely avoiding the fact that I'm here and about to hang out with Justin. It's bothering her...a lot. But I can't say I blame her. She's worried about what this will do to him. I keep telling myself that she just cares about him like a friend would. But for some reason...I just think there's more to it than that. "Yeah." He walks ahead of me and I try my best to catch up with him as he's pulled towards the front gate. I'm a little surprised when he hits the button to make them open. I can't remember the last time Justin went outside of his gated sanctuary without the aid of Eric or Tiny at his side. It's weird...new, and a lot different from what I was expecting. Maybe I was right. Maybe he has changed for the better. "This is different," I say, trying to catch my breath as I catch up with him. "What's different." He scowls as he pulls back on the leash. "We're outside of the gate," I point out. He looks at me, but he doesn't smile. "Yeah, I know." One of the dogs takes a dump underneath a tree, and we move on unaffected. Justin seems strangely calm, but doesn't hesitate to look over his shoulder every now and then. I can't blame him of course. "So...I guess you've been a little better," I say, trying my best to spark a conversation. He shoots me a sarcastic smile. "Yeah look at that. And I didn't need your help or anything." All right I get it. I was wrong to cut him off completely. I mean yeah, I had my reasons but its something I really should have considered beforehand. I probably look like such an asshole crawling back to him right now and acting like everything is okay. Clearly, in his mind, it's still not. Maybe I should just leave...let him think about things. "Justin look..." "No...," he grunts, trying to control the dogs and pay attention to me at the same time. "Why did you come here Trace? I know you didn't just wake up this morning and decide to pay me a visit. You're as stubborn as I fuckin am." He's right and I feel like a big asshole right now for trying to play it all cool and shit. Honestly, this is the fakest I've been around Justin in awhile and I guess I should just cut the bullshit and get to the point. "Your mom convinced me I should come talk to you. " I say. "Oh okay." He lets out another fake laugh as the dogs continue to sniff around. "You mean the day that you had lunch with her and Melanie and you treated Mel like a piece of shit, right?" "Oh give me a break, Justin. I didn't know her, all right? And your mom just sprung it on me that some girl was living with you and helping you out. What was I supposed to do? Be her best friend?" I know I'm leaving out the whole part that I saw her the day I was sitting outside of his house, but I feel like if I tell him that, he'll think I'm even more pathetic. "I didn't trust her." "You judged her. Come on Buck, Brennan." He pulls the dogs forward, and looks back at me. "Don't act like you didn't." I cross my arms across my chest. "Like you don't judge people?" He doesn't answer. We walk in silence for awhile, just watching the dogs do their thing. I notice that Justin doesn't even begin to head back towards the house until each of the dogs has pooped and peed at least twice. It's a little sickening to me that he's following Melanie's demands to a T, but I don't say anything. It's obvious that he's annoyed about my opinion about her so far, and I really don't feel like fighting with him about it anymore at the moment. "So what's been going on with you, Trace?" His question catches me totally off guard. It sounded too normal, almost forced, but I'm glad he's at least trying. At the same time though, I don't know what to tell him. Do I talk about Kerri? Do I avoid the subject? Do I tell him that I'm bored and I've been trying to find something to get into but I just can't seem to do it? Do I just talk annoyingly about how hot Tarin is? No...he'll know that I'm just bullshitting. "Oh you know...same old shit." He smiles back at me. "You suck at lying." I shrug. "Well I don't know what you want me to say." We reach the gate again and he enters the security code. He looks at me for a long moment and clears his throat a little bit. "Well...I mean, Kerri's been staying with you right? How have you guys been doing?" I want to puke. That was the one thing I was hoping he wouldn't mention, but I guess I should have known better. I want to lie and just tell him everything is fine. He doesn't need details. He doesn't need to know where she is or how she's been acting. "Fine," I nod. "Oh...I get it." He shakes his head as the gate slides open. "We can only talk about what you feel comfortable with." "I didn't say that." I follow him onto his property and the gate slams shut behind us. "You know, you're not making this easy for me either, Justin." He turns to me angrily. "Then just say it. Tell me that she's fucked up, because I know she is." I ball my fists at my sides. "Don't make this about Kerri." The dogs begin to pull on the leashes and yelp, and he angrily turns around again and starts to let them lead him toward the house. "What the fuck is it supposed to be about then?" I jog to catch up with him. "I came to resolve things between us. I didn't come to talk about what Kerri is doing." Once we get close enough to the house, Justin lets the dogs off the leash and they go bounding towards the doorway, which he'd left open a crack. They push it open all the way and disappear inside. I'm thankful for that. Now, maybe Justin will be able to focus a little bit better. "I don't know how you expect to resolve things in an hour," Justin says, wiping some sweat off of his forehead with his arm. "It's been months." "And we've been friends for a hell of a lot longer," I point out. "Just put the shit behind us, Justin. I'm ready to." He sits down on the grass, and I join him. He picks at the blades of grass with his fingers silently. It's annoying and I can only remember one other time in my life when things had been this tense between us, when I'd had to tell him that I'd been the one that had gotten Shane hired. He'd went ballistic, told me he wished I was dead. Hell, he shouldn't even be acting like this right now. If anything, he's lucky I've put all of that behind me. What the fuck? What gives him the right to sit here and act like he's the victim. "You know..." "I'm sorry I blamed you for Shane," he blurts out suddenly. "It bothers me every day, Trace." I stare at him, dumbfounded. I was expecting him to say alot of things today, but certainly not that. Honestly, we've only really discussed that whole thing once or twice, and while I told him that I'd put it behind me I guess I never really forgave him either. Ever since it happened, things have been severely strained between us. I think the Kerri thing just put everything over the top. "I never really forgave you," I say after awhile. "I don't blame you." It's quiet again, like it always is when each of us knows what the other one is thinking. I know he's sorry, and he knows that I'm ready to forgive and forget, even though it's going to be hard getting back to the level our friendship used to be at. "I'm trying," I say finally. "I miss you, man." He looks at me. "You have no idea how hard its been without you." His bottom lip trembles a little bit and I watch as he wipes a few tears off of his face. "The last person I wanted to lose was you." "That time you called...," I sigh and finally look at him again. "I felt really shitty for hanging up on you like that." He shrugs. "I knew you would. I just needed somebody and I had nobody else to call." I officially feel like the worst person on earth, even though I shouldn't. Justin deserved it, and I wasn't ready to talk to him. But seeing him now, knowing that he was probably in a really bad state of mind then makes me wish I could have snapped out of my mood for that moment in time. I know I can't change the past though. The most I can do is move forward from here, spend time with him, and find my best friend again. "I want things to go back to how they were," I tell him. "I mean, I know they'll never be completely back to normal but...as long as we can be friends again, I think I'll be okay." He smiles genuinely, for the first time today. "I want that too. I want it really bad, Trace." I get up from the ground and hold my hand out to him. "You wanna go back to the house?" "Sure." He lets me help him up. "Mel probably made something to eat." He's smiling and for the first time I realize how much better he looks. He's not pale at all, and he looks like he's getting his sleep. Those bags under his eyes that would seem to take over his entire complexion are non existent now. He's clean shaven, and his usual mess of curls has been tamed. He's not dressed like a bum either. He matches, like he's always been so meticulous about in the past. I'm almost proud of how far he's coming along. And to think that Melanie of all people has played a big part in getting him back in control of himself is more shocking than anything. Madison was supposed to be the one that was getting him all straightened out. Which is why I really think there's feelings involved between Justin and Melanie...strong ones. And it's scaring me. I want to ask him what's going on, but I don't know how he'll react. I want today to go well, so things can start getting back to normal. But I'm sure my curiosity will get the best of me. We get back into the house and the dogs proceed to jump all over Justin while he makes his way over to the kitchen table. It's been set nicely, kind of like the way my mom sets up the table for Sunday brunch after church. It's weird because my mom isn't here, it's not Sunday, and the girl that has gone to all of this trouble considered me an asshole just a few moments ago. I guess I don't know her as well as I think, or...she just wants to fuck Justin so badly that she'll put on this Susie Homemaker front to turn him on. But that kind of thing doesn't turn Justin on, so I don't even know what to think except that she actually finds pleasure in doing this sort of shit. "Here you go boys." She places a large platter of sandwiches in front of us, and a moment later returns with a pitcher of what looks to be freshly made lemonade. My mouth waters. It reminds me of coming in from mowing the lawn on a hot summer day and being rewarded by my momma. God I'm such a dork, but it's been forever since I've had this kind of a homey feel and fuck...I'm going take advantage of a good thing. "Thanks." I smile and take two sandwiches from the top of the pile. Justin does the same, and when Melanie swats his hand away from the pitcher of lemonade and pours it for him herself, I can't help but smile a little bit. They really are cute. "You spilled it the last time," she tells him when he frowns at her. "Well maybe you should pour Trace's too," he grumbles. "Maybe I should give the rest of your lunch to the puppies." She grins at him, and when he doesn't protest further she simply wanders away into the adjoining room. Justin and I eat quietly for awhile, before the curiosity begins to nag at me so badly that I can't control it anymore. I finish my fifth sandwich and sit back, letting my belt out a little because I feel so stuffed. "So," I yawn, as Justin slurps down some more lemonade. "When's the wedding?" He looks at me. "Huh?" I have to laugh. He looks so perplexed by my question I'm surprised he didn't fall off of his chair. "I'm just saying, Justin. You two bicker like an old married couple." He scowls. "She's a control freak." One of the dogs is by my feet now, crying because he wants some of my sandwich. I tear off a little piece and give it to him, and Justin gasps. "Don't do that!" I look at him oddly. "Are you on drugs?" "Mel doesnt want them having any table scraps." He looks over his shoulder cautiously, probably making sure that she didn't see me give the dog anything. "She says that they need to be trained not to depend on table scraps. She'll get pissed because she's been weening them off of anything to do with the table and dinner time. She puts them outside, I'm surprised she hasn't done it today." He stares at me for a moment. "But I guess today is kind of weird anyway." I crack a half smile and then the dog starts to whine for more food. "See?," Justin whines. "Now you've gone and fucked it all up." I roll my eyes. "Go lay down." I say harshly to the puppy and point to the corner. It stares at me for a minute, but when I repeat myself a little bit louder it does as it's told. "See? Not so hard, Justin. Remember Ben? That dog was a pain in the ass, but he always listened to me." He crosses his arms stubbornly. "Whatever, when you leave he'll be back at it again. The girl, Brennan isn't so bad. She stays away from the table. Actually, she hangs around Melanie a lot. But Buckley is a pain in the ass." "Hey, kind of like you," I snicker. He glares at me. "Are you done criticizing me now? Did you get it out of your system?" "Oh hardly," I smile. "You owe me about ten years worth of criticism. I'm just getting started." "Jerk." "You like her don't you?," I challenge him. "I can tell." He doesn't look me directly in the eye as he laughs and tells me I'm crazy, so now I know it's the truth. He does like her, like a kid in school would have a crush on a girl. It's funny but kind of sad at the same time. Justin has never been one to crush...just one to seek out the girl he wants and take her for himself like some kind of animal. It's weird to see him like this, so obedient, so scared that he'll do something or say something wrong to piss her off. I could be worried, but the more I hang around Melanie the more harmless she seems. I'm actually glad that she's the one that's taking care of him now, unlike the other day when all I wanted to do was think that she was a bitch who had no right being here. Sometimes I can be such a pig headed asshole, and I guess just like Justin...I need to work on myself a little more too. "We're friends," he nods. "It's good having somebody around who has their shit together, you know? It keeps me from going more crazy than I already am. It doesn't mean I like her or anything." "Hey I'm just telling you what it looks like to me," I defend. "Has your mother been around when you two act like this?" "Act like what?," he snaps. "She's been around, yeah, but she hasn't said anything like this to me. I know you're just doing what you do best, Trace. Being an asshole to piss me off." I almost get back at him by asking Justin if they've fucked yet, but I have to bite my lip. Melanie has walked back into our midst now, clearing our empty plates. I figure our conversation will move onto other things, like sunshine and daisies. But Justin's pride has seemed to take over, and I know I shouldn't have pushed him so hard. "What the fuck do you care what I do anyway?," he grunts at me. Melanie turns around from her spot at the sink and stares at us. "I was just kidding around, christ," I get up from the table and shake my head at him. "You get so damn edgy." "Everything okay?," I hear Melanie say. "Justin?" "He's just being himself," he says, glaring at me. "And he was leaving anyway." I frown a little bit. I guess he's kicking me out, but should I really have expected anything else from him? I've struck one of his precious nerves, and god forbid anybody should tell him he's wrong or make him admit his feelings to himself. Maybe coming here was a mistake. I probably should have just called or something...planned ahead. But I just figured we could act like adults and come to terms with things. I mean, yeah he looks better but his attitude is still the same. I'm getting disgusted again. I really need to leave. "Yeah, I was." I shake my head a little bit. "See you around, Justin." "Wait." It's Melanie again and I sigh. Not only is she Susie Homemaker, but she's also Justin's saving grace when it comes to people getting pissed off at him. If only she knew how he acted a few months back. If only she knew about Kerri... But I refuse to think about Kerri right now. I turn back and sigh. "It's fine," I say. "I have things to do anyway." "Yeah," Justin scoffs. "Like sit in his house." "Look," she says, ignoring the both of us. "I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but Trace, maybe you should give Justin a break. You know, you didn't give him any time to get ready for your visit and from what I understand you two haven't spoken in awhile." "She's right." Justin smiles at me, like he's just won some fucking contest. It makes me want to punch him. "And Justin...." He frowns. "You should give Trace a break. At least he's here, trying to salvage your friendship." She pauses and smiles at me a little bit. "Most people wouldn't take the time to do that." I feel like we're on some twisted version of Full House, I glance at the door ready to see Joey bust through with some stupid ass joke but it never happens. I'm still uncomfortable though. I've never really been one to be all sappy and shit, and it's kind of sickening to hear Melanie say all this stuff. It's like she's become the mediator, when I thought that was my job all along. Weird. It's weird. It's weird and I should go. "I...um...I should probably go anyway though. I have a dinner meeting later on and I need to get my shit together. You know how it is Justin." One glance at him and I know he thinks I'm full of shit, but I don't care. I mean, it's not totally a lie. I told Tarin I'd meet her after work for dinner. It's not really a meeting but, it doesn't matter anyway. I'm uncomfortable and the fact that this is the first time I've been on good terms with Justin in four months is really making me agitated. I need to reflect on all of this and figure out what I need to do to make all of this right again. "Oh yeah," Justin nods. "Sure." "I um...have to give this house a pretty good cleaning tomorrow," Melanie speaks up quickly before I can escape. "Why don't you two do something?" Justin doesn't respond. He's still brooding in his seat, probably because Melanie just pointed out how stupid he was acting. I hate when he gets like this. It's so childish and honestly he should have gotten past being so sensitive by now. "We could go to the driving range,"I force myself to suggest, even though he's the one that should be concerned about hanging out with me again. I guess I know that deep down he probably does want to hang out as soon as possible, but he's too scared and stubborn to make the first offer. I shouldn't have expected him to act differently. "I guess," he mumbles in reply. "That...that'll be okay." "All right. I'll call you tomorrow. Thanks for the food and stuff, Melanie." "Sure," she says quickly and steps closer to me. "Let me show you out." In all honesty I could show myself out, but Melanie seems pretty uncomfortable at the moment, so I'll let her do what she wants. I guess it's weird for her seeing Justin and I starting to reunite and stuff, seeing as how she knows nothing about our past history growing up. I'd probably feel out of place too. "So you'll call tomorrow right?," she laughs nervously as she opens the door for me. "Because you know...if you don't call, Justin will..." "He'll talk about it all day I know," I interrupt with a smile. "Don't worry about it. I'll call. I'm not one of those people who goes back on their word." "All right." She seems satisfied with what I've said, so I start to walk out to my car, trying to figure out what the hell happened in there and what my friendship with Justin is going to be like now that we've reconciled. "Trace." I turn around. She's still standing there, looking as uncomfortable as ever. Still, I smile at her, not wanting to make the situation any worse than it is. "Yeah?" "I shouldn't have said all that stuff to you when I met you," she says sadly. "I just didn't know what had gone on, and I didn't want Justin to get hurt anymore than he had been." I shrug. "I misjudged you too," I confess. "I didn't think you belonged here but...the truth is, I haven't seen him look this good in a long time. So I guess I should be thanking you." "Maybe I'll see you tomorrow," she tells me quickly. "I"d stay and chat but I'm sure the dogs are wreaking havoc somewhere in the house. Bye, Trace." I wave and she disappears into the house, leaving me alone in the driveway. I shake my head and smile as I get into my car, thinking how crazy I am for even showing up here today, and how stupid I was for thinking Melanie was this big stupid bitch who needed to be outed. In all honestly, she seems really sweet, and she's really pretty too. She's like the type of girl that I'd date if I was still living back home, that sweet innocent girl next door. For a minute or two I'm almost jealous of Justin for having yet...another thing in his life that I could never have. But then I remember that I live in Los Angeles, I have a hot ass girlfriend that I'm meeting for dinner, and I have a lot more going for me personality wise than Justin does right now. I should just be happy that I'm finally getting back on track with my life, after all this time of wallowing in misery and sadness. It's with these thoughts in my head that I manage to pull up to the radio station and wait for Tarin to get out of work. It seems like an eternity, and I suddenly remember just why it is that I hate hanging out around here during the daytime. There's so many sketchy people hanging around, bums really. It makes me kind of sick to think that Kerri is alone in this mess now, and I'm the cause of it. Maybe I'm wrong...fuck, maybe I can ask Justin what he thinks tomorrow. But no...no, how can I ask him for Kerri advice? The whole point of this is to keep Kerri out of our conversations. But how is that possible? "Hi sexy." I look up into the smiling face of my girlfriend. She leans in through the window and we kiss a little bit. That's one of my favorite things...it always has been, and it's sexy as hell that she remembers. "Hi baby." She gets into my car and we drive off. She proceeds to tell me about her day, and the calm, sweet sound of her voice makes any aggressions I may have built up at Justin's go away completely. I melt into her, and I start to wonder how I could have possibly allowed such an awesome person slip through my fingers. I mean yeah, the distance thing had something to do with it but if I tried hard enough I probably could have made it work. I can't help but wonder, what if things had been different? What if she'd had a boyfriend when I came to ask her for help getting Kerri a job? Would she had felt as sorry for me? Would Kerri and I have even gotten into that fight? I guess I shouldn't think about it though. This is what's happening right now, this is reality, and I should be happy with that and not dwell on things so much. "Yeah and it's just such a joke. I mean, I've been there for almost eight years, and some intern thinks shes going to get the job over me? It's ridiculous babe." She rambling on, and I'm sorry to say I was barely paying attention to what she was saying in the first place. That makes me a horrible person right now but I mean, I did have kind of an emotional roller coaster of a day. I put my hand on her inner thigh and rub it gently, so it makes it look like I completely understand. Terrible. "Don't worry about it, Tar," I glance at her and flash her a gentle smile. "You're the best one there anyway." She pecks me on the cheek. "So where are we going?" "Oh..." I feel myself blush a little, because I was dork and booked a reservation at this really nice place up in Bel Air. I didn't tell her, I sort of wanted it to be special. But it's weird because I normally don't do things like this. I"m more conservative, happy with a Denny's dinner over some fancy overpriced steak anytime. But Tarin...it's like I feel like she's too good for places like that. Or maybe I just want her to feel that way. "Well I figured I'd surprise ya." "Surprises? From you?," she scoffs. "I know," I laugh. "That's a surprise in itself." "What's the occasion mister?" I glance at her again, and let my gaze linger on her for a few minutes, not being able to help but think about how amazingly hot she is. I may not remember the sex we had when I was drunk the last night, but I damn well remember the sex we had a few nights before. I'd been playing it cool because we had only just started dating and I didn't want her to think I wanted to get in her pants so quick. I mean, yeah of course I did...but I wasn't going to be a jerk about it. Anyway, we ended up going out that night with a few of her friends. We partied, but I didn't really get that trashed, just tipsy. Afterward we went back to my place, and walked up the stairs to my apartment laughing like a couple of stupid kids. When we got inside I told her that she could just crash at my place because I didn't want her driving home if she'd been drinking. So we watched a movie... The next thing I knew we were rolling around in my bed, having this crazy wild sex romp. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had it that good, that many times, or for that amount of time. It was probably back before the kidnapping, sometime when Elisha had been able to make it out to one of Justin's shows. And that was a long, long time ago. Six months at least. I never realized how horny I was, I guess my mind had been too preoccupied with other things. But when we came together that first time...long and hard, screaming each others names, I'd realized how much I'd missed having sex, how fun it was, and how important it was to care about the other person I was having it with. "No occasion really." I give her thigh a firm squeeze. "Just thought it would be nice to take my girl out." "Hmm, your girl," she grins. "Never thought I'd hear you say that to me again, Trace." She takes my hand and I lace my fingers through hers before lifting her hand to my lips, giving it a soft kiss. "I um...I went to Justin's," I say after a few moments. She smiles at me and I know she's proud. We had a long talk about this earlier in the week, when I'd been convinced it wasn't such a good idea after all. She told me that she knew how close I was with Justin, and even if she didn't know him as well as I did, it was important that I tried to rekindle our friendship. I think I took her advice to heart, because initially if it wasn't for Justin, I wouldn't have even met Tarin in the first place. He'd hooked up with her first, and I'd ran into her in the continental breakfast line the next morning. Of course it had been awkward, and Justin did get kind of pissed the next week when she'd called me instead of him, but in the end he'd found somebody else to fuck anyway. Tarin was just too good for that sort of thing. She didn't need to hang onto the hopes of Justin's phone calls. She hooked up with him, she met me and then she forgot about him. It was that simple. I think it was the only time I'd felt like I'd gotten one up on Justin. "So...dish boy! What happened?" "We talked," I nod. "I think...it was good. We're speaking, so I guess that's as much as I could have hoped for. We're supposed to go to the driving range tomorrow, so I'll have to see what happens I guess." "See? I told you everything would be fine." She nudges me playfully. "You worry too much." "Yeah." I grip the steering wheel harder and bite my lip. Bringing up the fact that I worry too much makes me think of Kerri...about the terrible things I said to her yesterday. I realize that I don't even know if she made it into work today, and I'm dying to ask Tarin but I just don't know how she'll react. When the whole thing happened, and Kerri left the venue, Tarin told me I should just forget her and move on. But how can I just forget her? No matter what I do, she'll always outshine the majority of my other friends in a way. We've done things together and confided in each other so much in our lifetime, that I know nobody can take her place. "I hate to ask, babe. I just....I mean, did Kerri make it into work today?" She rolls her eyes a little. "I guess I knew why you'd ask." "I just don't want anything bad to happen to her." I give her a pleading look. "You understand, right?" She sighs. "Yeah she made it. Somebody dropped her off, but I didn't get to talk to her. I mean, I wasn't planning on it anyway but she was cooped up in David's office when I left to do a few errands at the venue, and when I got back she was still in there." She bites her lip. "I wasn't going to say anything but...since you asked I guess I can just tell you that I don't like it, Trace." David Foster is one of those guys you meet at a bar or a pool party and feel like punching in the face or pushing in the pool, but don't because his sister is hot and you're afraid you won't be able to get on her good side if you follow through with what you want to do. He's arrogant, selfish, and really deceptive. But he's always supported NSYNC, and Justin's career. That's the one thing that's kept my respect for him just over the borderline. I mean, I know it's just because having Justin come into the studio has done wonders for his career and shit that he's been nice to me, but I've never been able to be a dick to him. It's just not in me. But right now I'm just not sure what to think. Tarin seems a little concerned, even though she's lost most of her respect for Kerri at this point. Tarin isn't one to worry unless something is serious, and something is telling me she knows more than what she's letting on. "Well he's her boss. He had to have been pissed about yesterday, right?" "Not pissed enough to keep her in his office all day," Tarin chuckles. "David has intentions when he pulls shit like this." "Intentions?" She's quiet for awhile after that and it makes me even more confused. It's seems like I've reached a really touchy subject with her and it's weird because I thought I knew everything about this girl...that she didn't have a reason to keep anything from me. It's a little annoying that she's decided to tell me some kind of secret now...after we've slept together. But hell, maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe I should just give her a chance to tell me what's on her mind and then make assumptions. Yeah. It's something I need to work on too, not jumping to conclusions. I tend to do it with the wrong people, and it's probably part of the reason why my friendships tend to get fucked up from time to time. "I haven't really told anybody about it," she whispers, and takes her hand out of mine. "It's weird and I just...I try to forget about what I did." I drive off the exit, and soon we are pulling up to our destination. I look over at her, and she looks so upset, I almost wish we'd gone back to my place first or something. "Tarin, are..are you okay?" "Oh yeah." She shakes her head and sighs before looking at me again. "I'll be okay. We can talk about this later if you want. I don't want to spoil dinner." I give her a weird look. "Tarin, you're not spoiling anything," I say seriously. "If you need to talk we'll talk. I can turn around, go back home...whatever you want to do." She gazes out the window. "Vinceti's," she coos. "Trace...how did you remember?" I'm a retard. I took her here on our first date because I wanted to show off. At the time, it nearly broke my wallet because I was living out of a suitcase on Justin's tour bus. But she absolutely loved it, so it made it all worth it even though Justin broke my balls for the next month because I made him pay for all of my food. "I couldn't forget," I mumble, embarrassed. She turns back to me after a moment. She's smiling now, whatever she was upset about obviously having been washed away with the realization of where we are. "I can't believe you went to all this trouble." "It wasn't any trouble," I reassure her. She pulls my face close to hers after that, and gives me a long slow kiss that nearly makes me want to take her back home so we can do things. But then I calm down. For one, I really want to take her to this place, and well...i want to know what's on her mind with this whole David thing. A tapping on the window puts a stop to our little make out session though, and I look over to find the valet standing there, ready to take my key from me. Sheepishly, I roll down the window and hand it to him, along with a twenty dollar bill to keep him from making some smart ass comment. I meet Tarin at the door a moment later, and take her hand. "I want us to talk when we get seated," I tell her quietly. "About David." "But Trace..." I give her a pleading look. "Ugh, fine." The maitre' d seats us at a quiet table in the back of the restaurant, and I'm thankful that he thought enough to keep us away from the majority of the crowd. In the candlelight she truly looks beautiful, and the best thing about it is that she didn't spend hours getting ready, she came straight from work. I love natural beauty. It cant compare to any make over. "You okay?" She nods. "I need a drink." I laugh a little. "I think we both do." The wine list comes and I get us a bottle of some fancy shit that Tarin points out. I'm not really one for wine at all, and I'm surprised that I actually like it when I try it. It's another point for her I guess. "So..." I say, after taking another sip. "David." She lowers the menu away from her face. "I don't want this to change things between us," she whispers. "I mean, I just got you back. I...I don't want to lose you a second time." Hearing her say that makes me feel so awesome inside, that if we weren't in this swank setting I'd probably start making out with her at the table right now. But I know I can't do that, so I just grab her hand again and smile at her. "I'm right here," I promise her. "I'm not going anywhere, all right? I don't care what happened in the past or anything like that. That's not important." She nods, and looks down at the table for awhile before continuing on. "We fooled around a lot. Pretty much up until you walked into my office that day, Trace. I never had a steady boyfriend after we broke it off, and then you know...i really wanted to get ahead at KISS. David could make that happen so I just went along with what he wanted. I know it's weird...that was never me when I was around you and Justin. But I needed to do what I had to do." If I had known that had been going on I would have made sure it stopped. Fuck, I could have easily gotten her a hook up at a better radio station. Sure, she might have had to relocate and stuff but at least she wouldn't have had to sleep with that douche bag. "Why didn't you tell me?," I say sadly. "I could have helped you out." "You were busy with Justin," she laughs. "I never wanted to burden you with anything, Trace. You know I've always been one to take care of myself. It wasn't so bad in the beginning. We would just hook up on a whim. But then he'd want it all the time and when...I wouldn't give it to him he would threaten to demote me, or give important events to one of the other girls." "And you think he's going to try that with Kerri?" "I really don't know. He could have had his reasons for talking to her all day, but I know David...and I've seen the way he looks at her. I feel responsible," she sighs. "Maybe if I hadn't been such a bitch to her she would have blown him off." I shrug a little bit. Honestly, we were probably both out of line yesterday with how we treated Kerri, but at the same time I think she needed to experience it. She spends way too much time relishing people feeling sorry for her, instead of being her own person and fending for herself. Kerri knew that Tarin wasn't out to be her best friend from the beginning, so there's no reason for her to feel bad. "No," I whisper, looking her in the eye. "You shouldn't feel bad about anything. Kerri needed to experience our attitudes yesterday. All this shit with her has gone on long enough, you know?" "I don't know." She sighs and looks down at her lap. "I just don't want David to do things to her that she can't handle. I mean, I'm really strong. I don't feel bad about the things he's said to me or probably will say. But Kerri is on her last nerve half the time. She's high strung and yeah I don't really like her all that much, but still...she shouldn't have to be put through this too." "Kerri has a good head on her shoulders." I know that's true. Yeah, she may be a mess right now but she knows what to do in her life to protect her from assholes like David Foster. I know she couldn't be stupid enough to let him manipulate her into his bed. She's had enough experience with Justin to know better. It's girls like Melanie, the one's with no experience that get screwed over in the end. I should probably tell Tarin about Melanie too. How I'm worried about her, just like I'm worried about Kerri and I shouldn't be. But I dont know. The fact that Melanie is working for Justin like she is isn't really anybody's business. I doubt that Lynn or Justin would want me telling an outside party about what's really going on. I mean, it's obvious that Justin isn't working right now and it would be weird to most people that he has some girl living with him. Not that I don't trust Tarin. I do. I just don't want her to think something that's not true, like I did when I first found out about Melanie. I'll let it go for now...at least until there comes a time when I decide to hang out with Melanie and Justin and my girlfriend at the same time. "She's not going to let him conn her into sleeping with him or anything else like that," I reassure her, squeezing her hand a little bit. "And even if she did sleep with him, it would be on her conscience...not on anybody else's. I don't want you to worry about it anymore, all right? Please." I lean across the table and give her a soft kiss. She smiles back at me. "All right." I'm glad I've just put her mind at ease. It makes me feel good to know that I'm the one who's been able to take the stress off of her shoulders. The only problem is, now I've taken that stress on myself. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared for Kerri. Yeah she's smart but I don't know how much I fucked her up yesterday. For all I know she could have started to cling to the first person that came along. If she gets hurt...doesn't that make me responsible? Fuck, I shouldn't have flipped out on her. But damn it I just had to do it, or I wouldn't be sitting her with Tarin right now...I'd be home talking to Kerri about how she needs to stop being miserable. And now more than ever, I realize how much I've been missing in my life because I was putting Kerri first. We order dinner and the rest of the night is pretty normal. We talk about what's going on in Tennessee. She tells me I should go and if she gets the time off of work, she'd like to come with me. It makes me smile. I'd love to bring her home to my mom, I really think they'd get along well because they're both really funny and level headed. I drive us back to the radio station after dinner so she can pick her car up, but it takes her awhile to even make it out of my own car because we can't seem to keep our hands off of each other. "I have work in the morning," she laughs as I shove my hand up her shirt and begin to toy around with her bra. "Trace..." "Sleep over," I plead. It's sad, but I find it so much easier to sleep when she's in bed with me. I wrap my arms around her and doze off...dreaming about how hot she is and how secure I feel with her beside me. Waking up is great too. I try to be quiet, just watching her sleep. It's great to know that she cares...at least for now, until I do something stupid. But no, I'm not going to anything stupid. This is a new start...right. A new start and I'm going to make it work. "But I have to work." She grins. "You want me to be tired at work?" "No," I pout. "But I don't want to be restless tonight either." She rolls her eyes, but her smile doesn't fade. "You're bringing me to work in the morning." I laugh a little, knowing I've won yet again and I start up my car. "I know." I've never driven home so fast in my life, and when we reach the door to my apartment I'm kissing her so hard and touching her so much that I can barely get my key in the door. We kiss frantically, stripping off each others clothing and collapse onto my bed together. We have amazing, passionate sex, that lasts longer and feels better than the night before. I fall asleep with my arms around her, looking into her beautiful chocolate eyes, mumbling sexy shit about her to myself that makes her giggle sleepily and kiss me softly on the face. And it's safe to say that I finally have at least one thing in my life going exactly the way I want it to. ********************* My mom told me she got a letter in the mail a few days ago from Madison. It basically said that she was terminating her status as my shrink as of that date. She said that she hated to do it, but that I wasn't cooperating and it was obvious that I felt that I didn't need her help anymore. I didn't really act like it bothered me. I mean, it sort of did but after the way she pissed Melanie off that day I had an entirely different opinion of her than I originally had. She helped me through a lot though, I can't deny that. And I know I'll miss her, but right now my relationship with her is very low on my priority list. Especially now that Trace has decided that our friendship is worth another try. I had to stare and blink a few times to get myself to believe that Trace was really standing in my living room, asking if we could talk the other day. At first I thought...that I was dreaming. It wouldn't have been the first time either, because I've dreamed up shit like that before. Only in the dream, I would get on my knees and beg Trace to forgive me. Then he would turn into Shane...and unzip his fly... I didn't want to talk to Trace at first. I didn't understand why, after all that time, he would just randomly show up my house ready to talk about what had happened. It's never been like Trace to give in like that. He's stubborn enough to never speak to somebody again if they piss him off like I had. I tried to think up something that would give me a hint as to why he was crawling back like that, but I couldn't think of anything good. The most I could tell myself was that he was lonely, he needed me, and he was just as fucked up without me as I was without him. Still it took me a little while to warm up to him. I didn't trust his presence for a while. I thought he was going to spring something on me, or ask me to do something I didn't want to. But when he didn't...when he didn't even want to talk about Kerri, just about us, I knew it was the real Trace that had come. He was concerned about our friendship and he didn't want to lose me. I almost cried. I don't know why I didn't. But now that I have him back in my life, it's making me nervous as hell. I don't know what to do or what to say. I'm afraid I'll piss him off, and he'll leave. I guess it's why I've been so quiet this morning. I mean, he's seemed to understand. We're at the golf center anyway and he knows how hard I like to focus on improving my game. It's just a damn shame that I can't hit for shit today. I know I'm trying too hard, and I constantly get the feeling that somebody is watching us. Despite the fact that I had Eric come, and he made sure we got two spots way at the end of the range where nobody can come harass us, I still feel really uneasy. I'm afraid somebody might see me, stalk me...or follow me home. But that's kind of silly, because I know Eric would never let that happen. And even if somebody managed to...he'd kick their ass before they could get two feet near me. I wish like hell I'd had him with me back at the bakery. I took my anxiety medication this morning too, and it's another reason I know I'm having an issue concentrating. That stuff fucks with my head, makes me feel a little out of place with my surroundings, and I really hate it. I normally don't take it that much anymore because I haven't been going out and Melanie didn't see the need. This morning was the exception. I guess I was shaking. All right, I know I was. But I was just nervous to be alone with Trace after all this time. It didn't mean she had to force me to take the fucking medication, but she did. She told me she was worried that I'd get too nervous and freak out, and she didn't want that to happen because Trace had just started coming around again. Sure, I know they aren't close or anything but she knows how much he means to me. Still, I wasn't seeing things her way. I swore at her, called her a control freak. Then she told me if I didn't take my medicine she'd call my mother. So I did, and I didn't say goodbye to her when Eric and Trace got to the house. Serves her right... Shit. I know I don't mean that. "Wow J." Trace laughs as I whack another dud. "I cant believe I'm actually doing better than you today." I look on helplessly as he wails another ball far out into the range. Gritting my teeth, determined to show the fucker up, I hit the next ball as hard as I can. But it doesn't even go more than five hundred feet. I slouch in defeat. "I can't fucking focus," I grunt. "This was a bad idea." "Come on man, don't be like that." He smiles like he doesn't have a care in the world and swats another ball. "It's a beautiful day." If it was normal and I'd been hanging out with Trace for all of this time anyway, I'd say that he's been getting laid really good lately. He looks like he has. Cheesy as fuck smile and sub par golf swing. I mean fuck, it's gotta be something like that. Trace sucks at golf, he always has. And the fact that I'm off this morning shouldn't be making him better at this. He's so fucking nonchalant. Like the fact that we haven't hung out like this in months isn't as big of a deal as it should be. "What's going on with you?," I question him, coldly. "You're like high on life...or some shit." "What?" He lets out a cocky laugh. "Why should I be miserable? I mean, it's nice out, I'm doing better than you at a game I almost always suck at, and it's pissing you off." I have to bite my tongue so I don't end up blurting out some kind of stupid ass comment that'll get me hollered at and abandoned. I barley acknowledge him. I grit my teeth instead and plant another ball on the ground and bang my club down next to it. I take deep, even breaths and focus on the ball, and something I hate the most. Naturally, Shane pops into mind and I picture the ball as his head instead. I end up hitting the thing clear out of sight and smile triumphantly, resting the club over my shoulder. "Maybe I was just rusty," I say, eyeing him mischievously. "I knew I'd put a fire in your ass." He smirks, as he whacks another ball. "You gotta relax, man. Everything is cool, ya know? Just forget about whatever is bothering you about me, because it doesnt matter. I'm not going to get mad and leave. I know that's what you're worried about." This is why I hate that he knows me better than anybody. He can read my emotions like a book, figure out what's wrong with me faster than my own mother can. I know that he probably knew I was raped even before I told him the truth too, even though he probably didn't want to admit it to himself. It's hard knowing that we aren't as close as we should be, and that it's all my fault. I miss shooting the shit with him like this...carefree. I just can't be as calm as he is. I keep thinking about everything I've said to him, the way I've made him feel in the past. It was just so wrong. Even though the Shane thing was pretty intense, there was no reason to go off on Trace like I did. I destroyed the trust he had for me...all the faith he'd put into our friendship. Until that point in time, I think he was positive I was the one person in his life that would never push him to the brink...that I'd always be there, fucked up or not. How could I just say those things to him? How could I act like he could have prevented it? I have to be the shittiest friend in the world. And what's worse is, I'm almost positive he has no idea what really happened that night with Kerri. If he even had an inkling that I put a hand on her, we definitely wouldn't be here enjoying the day right now. I want him to know the truth. I'm tired of secrets and lies. But I can't tell him...I just can't. Things are fine right now. Not perfect...but they're fine, and it's been a hell of a long time since I've been able to say that and believe it. It's selfish too, I know, but I want things to stay this way for awhile. It's helping me keep my emotions in check. And I need that right now, especially with an upcoming trip to Tennessee. "Sorry," I finally say to him. "It's just a little weird, you know?" "Yeah I know." He reaches into his bucket for another ball. "But you know, I think it's something we just have to work though. Like, one day at a time. Honestly I think it's easier that way. We won't stress as much." He swats the ball and smiles when it goes a pretty good distance. "I guess." I don't look at him, I just continue on with my game, improving a little bit with each ball I hit. It feels good to do it, and I remember now why I used to come here and hit balls so much. It relieved a lot of my aggression, and I have the feeling that I'll probably start coming here a lot more after today. I mean, as long as Eric is around that is. But I doubt he'll mind. I think he might like hanging around with me, at least...he acts like he does. "Hey Eric, can you get us some waters?," I call to him after awhile. "Yeah, whatever." He gets up from his seat, and proceeds to make a call. Well I thought he liked being here anyway. "Why don't you send him home, Justin. We can just chill here and have him come back later to pick us up," Trace suggests, sensing Eric's mood. "No." I say it quickly and it causes him to sigh. "I...I'd rather have him here." He rolls his eyes. "But he's bored, man. There's no TV or anything for him to do. Isn't it kind of fucked up to make him stay here all day?" "You know what, Trace? He's getting paid." I snap. He's silent after that. God I'm such an idiot sometimes. We hit balls for awhile, in silence. I think we're both a little aggravated with each other so it's probably better that we just keep to ourselves. It's only then that I start to let my mind drift on to other subjects. First it's Melanie, and this morning...how I yelled at her. But I really don't want to think about that right now, because its' upsetting and I know I'm going to have to kiss serious ass when I go home to make it up to her. I'm always doing that too, fucking up and kissing her ass to make up for it. It reminds me a lot of the shit I'd do around Kerri...but with Kerri it was a lot different. For some reason I always knew no matter what I did she'd be fine with it, and she was. She put up with whatever I dished out. At least until that night... "Trace." "Justin." I chew on the inside of my cheek nervously. When I tried to bring up Kerri yesterday, Trace wasn't having it. But I think maybe that was because he wanted us to focus on our friendship and nothing else. Today though I'm hoping that we can try and talk about her a little bit. I just want to make sure that she's doing okay, that's all. I'm not going to beg him to take me to her, or to give me her number. I just want to know that she's not so far gone that she's lost all sense of reality...like I used to be. "I just...." I trail off, not being able to get the question out because I'm afraid. I don't want him to yell at me or anything. "Justin?" I manage to look at him, and I'm relieved that he has a smile on his face instead of an angry expression. "Sorry," I chuckle. "This is lame...I just wanted to know, you know....how Kerri was doing." "Fuck, Justin." I wince. "You can't just wait a few days?" "I just...," I sigh and twirl the golf club head against the floor. "I haven't seen her in so long, and I know that you've been helping her out and stuff, that's all." "I wish you'd been this concerned in the beginning," he frowns. I look at the floor, immediately being reminded of everything I've done wrong since the kidnapping, and how I wish like hell I could go back and change it all. Even if it meant I still had to be raped and live with it, I'd do it. I'd relive the whole thing again if it meant my friends would be okay...that I wouldn't have had to hurt them like I did. "Look," he finally says. "I dont want to get into some kind of argument about her right now. It's just not worth it, Justin. She's fine...as fine as she can be. Just leave it at that." "Well is she at your house?," I ask like an idiot. "Maybe you know...you can tell her that you saw me and..." "Damn it, no." He throws his golf club down and I jump back a little bit. "She's fine." "You keep saying that," I say quietly. "But you're just getting angrier." "I'm not getting....God, Justin." He runs his hands through his hair. "Kerri's not my favorite person right now. Satisfied?" I just stare at him for a minute. It's weird to hear him say that, because he and Kerri have always be close, even when I wasn't talking to her. They've always sort of been each others support when I haven't really been all there, and to hear him say that about her tells me that something is really wrong. It sends pains right to my stomach and I groan a little bit. "Trace...what happened." "It doesn't matter," he grumbles, picking up his golf club from the ground. "Things are better this way." One thing I've always hated, is when he keeps me in the dark about things. I thought he was ready to cut the bullshit and have a normal friendship with me again, so what the hell? His attitude certainly isn't helping things right now. "I hate when you do that." "What?" He gives me a stupid look. "I just don't feel like talking about it right now. I know you know what that's like, Justin. You know, since you've tended to avoid important topics like the plague in the past." "I don't know why you have to be such a dick." I roll my eyes and steady another ball on the tee again. "I asked you a simple questi---" "She's not living with me!," he cuts me off, angrily. I stare at him like he's speaking a foreign language. "But I thought...." "Forget what you thought," he whispers. "She needs help, so she went to live somewhere she could get it. I couldn't take her shit anymore, Justin. I tried but...I need to have a life too." I'm unsure of how to respond. It's obvious that something happened, and from what I can imagine it was probably ugly. Kerri probably broke down, because of me, and she had to move out of Trace's and try to fend for herself. I can't be angry at Trace because I'm sure Kerri was driving him crazy. Still, I'm really worried now. I don't know where she is, or if she's doing okay. I feel like its my responsibility to make sure she's at least surviving. I dont think I could ever forgive myself if something else happened to her. "Where?" I say, the fear in my voice apparent. I'm praying he didnt get her into a place like Orange Valley. Kerri couldn't handle it. Hell, I couldn't handle it. "Some group home," he grumbles, focusing hard on his swing. "This lady runs it. She seems nice enough, and one of Elisha's friends is in there too. She's fine." He doesn't sound like he really cares what happens to her in there, and I shudder a little. "What did she even do to you?" I ask him, more confused than ever. "I mean, you sound like you don't even care about her anymore." "Leave it alone, Justin." He gives me a stern warning look, and I should know better to continue pushing the subject with him. It's obvious he's still not past what's happened between himself and Kerri, and I guess it means that this has all happened pretty recently. But I'll stop before I piss him off any more than I have. If I don't it could lead into things that he can't know about and then I'll really be fucked. "Sorry." It takes him a few minutes, but he finally sighs and speaks up again. "It's cool man." He gives me a tight smile. "So are you um...going home for Joe's wedding?" I love how he's completely turned the subject around in the matter of a few seconds, but I won't complain. I've gotten enough information about Kerri out of him to keep me somewhat satisfied for the moment, so I'll do what he says and let it go...for now. "My mom is making me go," I say, the disgust in my voice apparent. He swats another ball. "She guilt tripped you huh?" I shrug a little bit. "I guess you can say that," I tell him. "Apparently my absence has pissed a lot of people off." "Your family cares about you," he tells me, gently. "Not going home isn't the answer to all of your problems, Justin. You have to face it sometime. I know it's hard and it scares you, but fuck...we grew up there. We used to play in the streets all hours of the night in the summertime. You can't let what happened keep you from going back. It's like you're giving up a part of yourself, because of what that bastard did." I know he has a point, but just like him with the Kerri thing, I don't really feel like talking about all this either. The fact that I've been ignoring a good part of my family for months now isn't something I'm proud of, and I have no idea how things are going to go when I see them again. "Now I want to change the subject," I laugh softly. He seems to let the awkwardness roll off his shoulders again, as quickly as it came about. "All right, let's hit some more. You're starting to get your swing back, and I'm determined to show you up by the end of the day." He grins and whacks another ball onto the range. It turns into an all out battle after awhile. If I get my ball farther than his I jump up and down and tell him how much better I am at this than him. Then he'll spout off some wise ass comment, and I'll tell him that he's still lame. For awhile I get lost in it. I feel like he's my best friend, I was never kidnapped, and we're just out enjoying ourselves without a care in the world. Then my phone starts to ring and I'm forced back into reality. I groan a little bit, because I really don't want to be bothered right now. Whenever the damn thing rings lately, it's always about business and I just want to relax today...not worry about my label, or Johnny being up my ass. "Can you get that?" I give Trace a pleading look. He looks over at me, and rests his golf club over his shoulder. "Why?" I scowl. "I'm just not in the mood." He rolls his eyes but does as I've asked. Once glance at the phone though, and a smile takes over his annoyed expression. "Who is it?" "It's Melanie," he says, with a cheesy smile. I sigh. I don't feel like dealing with her right now, because of how this morning went. I mean, I probably could but I'd end up saying something that I didn't mean...or I'd just have to listen to her yell at me. "Just answer for me." "Me? Why me?" "Because." I turn back around and start to whack golf balls again, this time with much more force. It's not until I hear him talking again that I take an interest in their conversation. Don't get me wrong, I trust him...but he doesn't know Mel's moods and how sensitive she can get when she's angry. "I'm not weird, the man you work for is weird!," he laughs and grins into the phone. "What....," he cracks up. "I'm not asking him that." "Ask me what?," I ask him seriously, curious as to what's going on right now. I mean it's weird...hearing Trace joke with her. He's been out of the picture for awhile, and I know when Trace and Mel met things didn't go so smoothly. How can they just be all cool and shit so suddenly? It's surreal, and that's making me extremely uncomfortable. "She wants to know how it felt to be in the...what was it Mel?," he snickers, before looking at me again. "Oh...the twelfth best boyband of all time or something." I love when she gets playful, and part of me is relieved. Maybe this means she forgot about this morning, and about how stupid I was. "Gimme the phone." I crack a small smile as I plod over to him and snatch the phone out of his grasp. "Hey," I say, turning my back to Trace so he can't see the smile thats formed on my lips. "You'll have to excuse me," she laughs softly. "I've been watching way too much VH1 today." I find myself smiling way too hard, and I know it's a good thing Trace can't see it because he'd never let me live it down. "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, you were a funky looking adolescent Justin. I don't think I've laughed this hard in a long time." "Hey I was just going with the styles of the times," I chuckle heartily. It's weird for me too, a couple of months back I would have taken a joke like that to heart and freaked out on her or something. I guess it shows how much my attitude has changed, how much I'm really coming back together mentally. It's refreshing. I hope it lasts. "You had shiny hair." I crack up. "I know." "But anyway I know you guys are busy doing your man business," she laughs. "I don't want to keep you, but a woman named Renee called and she wanted to make sure you were still going to your meeting on Monday. She said you would know what I was talking about so she didn't give me any more details." I sigh. Renee is Johnny's assistant and I'm sorry to say she usually knows more about what's going on in my career than I do. My mom had mentioned a meeting with Clive to me over the phone a few days ago, and I'm assuming thats what she was calling to confirm. Fuck, I don't feel like calling her back or making plans. I don't want to deal with my career right now...at all. I'd rather build a house right here on this golf range and live here forever. But Clive Davis is one of the biggest names in the business and I'd be a complete asshole if I stood him up. I guess I'll just have to deal with making a phone call back to Renee later on, but fuck...it's not going to be before I spend more time with Trace and make things right between Melanie and me again. "Yeah, I know what she wants," I tell her. "I'm supposed to have a business meeting on Monday, I'll have to call her later." "Oh okay," she says brightly. "Do you need me to call your mom or anything?" "Nah," I reassure her. "She'd just tell you to make sure I called or something." She laughs again. "Probably. Okay well, I'll just see you later then." It's crazy that she hasn't said anything about how I acted this morning, and it makes me feel even worse about the things I said to her. Honestly, I don't know how she puts up with my stupid, stubborn ass sometimes. Her attitude is so much better than Kerri's too, because with Kerri she'd just rub the fact that I was failure in my face. Melanie...she just seems to ignore shit and move onto the next thing. It makes me want to just....damn I don't even know. It's like I want to hold her so close sometimes and never let her go. "Hey," I say softly, before she can hang up. "Justin?" "I was an asshole this morning." She's quiet for awhile, and I even think she may have hung up. But then she speaks up, softly, and I can tell by the tone of her voice that she never forgot about what happened...she was just trying to act unfazed for my sake. "You were nervous," she says. "It's not a big deal." "I'm sorry, Mel. I really am." "Well, I guess I can accept your apology." I hear her smile through the phone. "What do you want for dinner? I was thinking about fried chicken." I know things are okay, that she's putting what happened this morning behind her. I should probably follow her lead too but I still feel guilty...like I got away with something I shouldn't have. Still, I know it's just going to stress her out if I keep on her about it so I'll quit while we're both still in a good mood. "Yeah that sounds good. We're going to hang out for awhile longer but I'll be home before six." "Cool. My soaps about to come on, Justin...I gotta go!," she exclaims. "Does Vince find out who killed his mother today?," I say, intrigued. It's so lame, but she's gotten me into this shit with her, and a part of me wanted to blow Trace off today just so I wouldn't miss the outcome of Days of Our Lives. Something tells me though, that the guy wouldn't have understood. "Supposedly. I'll fill you in later...gotta go." She basically hangs up on me and I have to laugh again. Trying to come between Melanie and her soaps is almost like somebody coming between me and my music. I frown a little. Right. Somebody has already done that. But fuck, I'm going to work really hard to save my career. That's what Monday is about, and I know I have to be on my game and show everyone that I'm still as capable of being in this business as I've always been. "So," I hear Trace chuckle from behind me. "What's that all about?" I make sure the stupid grin on my face has gone back into hiding before I turn to face around to face him again. Honestly I'm kind of surprised he's acting this way. He barely knows our situation, he's just automatically assuming that me and Mel want to fuck. It's weird because he knows the state of mind I've been in and I can't just do shit like that anymore. Hell, maybe he just wants me to be normal again so badly that he's hoping I'll give in and tell him that I want to bone Melanie. But I'm not going to do that, because...things aren't like that with us. We're friends, we trust each other...that's all it is. "I told you yesterday that it was nothing." I shake my head a little and pick up my golf club again. "Give me a break," he scoffs. "You were all apologizing to her like she was your girl, minus the 'babys' and "I love you's" I sigh and try to concentrate on the golf ball, but I find myself wanting to drive it into Trace's head more than anything. The fact that things have been so fucked up, and he can still be a sarcastic little asshole to me right now is annoying. But I guess I should be happy with that...with any sort of contact from him, because I need him more than he can imagine. "I was shitty to her this morning," I confess. "I needed to apologize." "What's made her stick with you for so long?," He asks as he drives another ball out onto the range. "I figured you would have run somebody like her off by now." I know he's not trying to be a dick, he's just stating facts and fuck, I'm usually asking myself that very same question from time to time. I mean, I know Mel has her issues but I've said and done some pretty fucked up things to her and she's still stuck around. She thinks that we have some kind of connection I guess, or she just feels really sorry for me. Either way Trace has a point. It's weird that somebody like her puts up with my shit. At the same time though, my attitude has changed alot. Even when I am a dick, I'm not as bad as I was when Kerri was around. "I'm not as big of an asshole," I mutter. "Despite what you think." He frowns and I can tell he knows that was kind of a stupid thing to say to me right now. "Look I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable or anything. I mean, I like Melanie." He cracks a half smile but when I don't return it, it vanishes again. "I'm just saying I know how you get," he whispers. "You latch onto people too quickly. I just...don't want you to hurt her. I don't want you to hurt yourself either." I know why he's saying this shit. He doesn't trust me and he still doesn't think I have any sort of control over my emotions. I wish he knew how different I am from the person he walked away from a couple of months back. I can think for myself now, I know when I'm being a fuck head and when I'm just letting things get to me too much. But I'm not about to stand here and give him a lecture about all of that. He's my best friend, he's supposed to just go with shit. Then again, he needs time to get over everything too. "It would help if you had a little more faith in me," I tell him with a scowl. "Hey I know you hate to hear that shit," he says, a little regretfully. "But no matter what's gone on between us, I still worry about you, Justin. I admit you're a doing a lot better, yesterday I was really surprised by how well you were doing, but you can't expect what's gone on to be over just like that. It's a lot to put behind us." I don't say anything, because I feel like he's about to start rubbing things in my face again. Today wasn't supposed to be about that. We were just supposed to shoot the shit and drive some balls. I just...can't stand that everything always has to turn back into a drama fest. What if this isn't the right thing to be doing? What if I still need space from Trace? But fuck, no...I can't tolerate that either. "Shit, Justin." He laughs after awhile, breaking me out of my uncertainty. "We shouldn't be having this conversation. I don't want to argue and I'm sure you don't either." I drive another ball. "I don't." It's quiet and awkward again, just how I like it. It even gets me to smile a tiny bit. I guess quiet and awkward is better than being annoyed and fighting with him, even if I feel like yelling at him right now...telling him he knows jack shit about what's been going on. But I won't. I can't. It's just not worth it. "So I'm seeing Tarin again." That was so random and it causes me to pay attention to him almost immediately. "Huh?" He just laughs. Tarin was a girl that Trace dated...I don't even know how long ago. She was a nice girl, we'd even hooked up a few times before Trace had met her. It wasn't anything serious of course, just one of those things that happened. I remember being kind of pissed at him when they'd initially gone on a first date, because he'd seen her around and knew she was sort of my property. But I didn't hold shit against him when they started to like each other and spend more time together. I guess I didn't want to, because I knew that Tarin was a good girl and would treat him with respect...not use him like so many other girls had in the past. Besides, I'd moved onto...other prospects anyway. I was such a slut then. "Tarin, Tarin?" I smile and laugh in disbelief. "Yeah..." There he goes with that 'I've been getting fucked' tone of voice again. He drives another ball far out onto the range before continuing. "It's been great, Justin." "Is she still good in bed?" I can barely believe I just said that. It's almost like the old version of myself is slowly creeping back out, and it's weird. Maybe its because thinking about Tarin brings back alot of old memories of Me and Trace...about my old days with NSYNC when I didn't have to worry so much about what everybody fuckin thought about me. I kind of melt back into it. I want to stay here too, but I'm sure I wont be able to for long. He laughs out loud. "Man, you know her...the girl is crazy. It's good though, you know? She's great, we talk and stuff. It's a lot deeper than before. But we didn't have as much time before to talk about shit. I was always on the move and so was she." "That's really great, Trace." I'm really happy that he's started dating. It's a good strong sign that he has control of his life again, that I didn't fuck him up so bad that he's turned into an unrecoverable mess. And if Tarin Sommerville is the same girl I remember, I doubt she gives him a chance to dwell on shit or be miserable. "We should hang out sometime, you know? It would be nice to say hi." "Oh yeah," he says, not taking his focus off his ball. "I was thinking about asking you, I just didn't know when." I nod a little and it's quiet again. I start to think about Mel. How cool our relationship is becoming and...how much I've been thinking about her lately. Not just when we're hanging out either but...other times. Like late at night when I'm in bed I'll lie awake and think about her. How I'm starting to really like her smile, and the way her eyes light up when she's really passionate or excited about something. How I love her hugs, how fucking safe I felt when she fell asleep on my chest that night. Maybe I can tell Trace all of that now, since he's opened up to me about his new relationship and all. It'll probably cause him to call me a fucker since I blatantly denied having feelings for her just a few minutes ago. But me denying it probably made him think I was lying anyway. Oh hell... "Lately..." I start to confess my innermost secrets to him, like I've been longing to for months but I have to stop, because I can sense it. I feel like I'm being watched now and it causes me to turn around. I feel my skin crawl when I see a black SUV with tinted windows parked in the lot, its passenger side facing the spot I'm standing in. The window is rolled down part way, but I see no faces, only a large camera lens peeking out. "Son of a bitch," I grunt. "Huh?" Trace turns around to find out what it is that's distracted me, and after a moment I hear him sigh. "Fuck." Paparazzi only started to be a big issue with me after Britney and I had broken it off. At first I didn't mind it, just because my solo album had been in the works and I needed some free publicity. But when they started to fucking stalk me, I began to realize just why it was that most of my friends in the business avoided them like the plague. I think the thing that really helped me to develop a strong hatred for them was how they camped out on my moms lawn after the kidnapping, trying to get a fucking shot of me in my worst moment. We had to get half the police force out to the neighborhood to keep them away, and ever since then I've prayed that I haven't had a bad run in with them. I was with Kerri once when they'd stood outside a store we were shopping in, and while Eric had managed to get them away from us before they could do any real damage, it still freaked me the hell out. Right now is no different. It terrifies me that somebody could find out where I am. Who told them? And why? "I need to get out of here, Trace," I manage to rasp out after a few moments. I feel a tightness in my chest, and it's getting kind of hard to breath the right way. "Please." But it seems that Eric is too quick for the both of us. Without another moment of hesitation he tells Trace to carry my bag and grips me by my upper arm. Within seconds I'm in the comforts of tinted windows and leather interior, Trace seated beside me. I'm still having trouble breathing, and I think I can hear Trace start to tell me some story about the weekend and puking in the toilet but I can barely hear him. I close my eyes, trying to get the horrible, paranoid thoughts about that black truck following me home out of my head. I picture Melanie, her smile, and the fact that she's probably sitting on my couch, feather duster in hand watching a soap opera. It starts to calm me. "Justin." I open my eyes, to meet Trace's concerned expression. It's the first time since the kidnapping that I've freaked out and he hasn't completely panicked. He's just staring, smiling a little bit, waiting for me to say something. He doesn't know it, but just by doing that he's made me feel a thousand times better about what just took place. "I'll be okay," I whisper. "You sure?" Eric turns over the engine and speeds away, not saying a word to either of us. Really, I'm not surprised. I mean, he was annoyed enough with today as it was without this coming into play. Still I'm glad he was around just then. I don't even know what would have happened if he hadn't been there to drag me back to the car. I probably would have had some kind of mental breakdown...and Trace would have had to deal with the crappy details of it. "Yeah," I reassure him again, with a slight smirk. "Do you get why I wanted Eric to stay now?" He rolls his eyes. "You would have been fine, Justin." I don't answer him because I know I'll just get more pissed off when he says something stupid in response. I sigh and cross my arms, sinking lower into the seat. I try to clear my mind of all the insecurities and issues today has brought about, but its so quiet...Trace isn't even looking at me anymore either. He's got his phone now, and he's texting away and smiling to himself. I guess he's got more of a life now. Good for him...yeah. I just wish I could be that carefree. We hit traffic and I try to sleep, but of course it doesn't work. Trace talks on his cell phone at one point for the longest time. His voice is a little more than a whisper but I hear him laughing from time to time and all I can think about is how happy he is and how fucked up I still am. I want to punch something, but I don't. I can't. So I sit and stare some more, until we finally pull up to my house again. Eric buzzes us in, and I feel just a tiny bit better when I hear Mel cheerfully welcome us back through the speaker. The gates swing open and before I know it we've stopped and Trace has gotten out of the car. I don't move. For some reason I just can't seem to do it. My mind is swimming, I'm a little numb... A little sick. What the hell is going on with me? I was fine. "J." I turn my head. Trace and Eric are standing there, looking at me through the open back door. With another sigh, I take my seatbelt off and slide out of the car. "Y'all gonna be okay?" Eric says, opening the drivers side door again. "I have plans tonight so if you are going out, give Tiny a call a'ight?" Trace speaks up for me when I just stare at him. "We'll be fine." He gives him a pat on the back and tells him not to worry about anything. Eric gives me a final concerned glance before telling me he'll see me Monday when he picks me up for my meeting. I barely say good bye. I'm just aggravated with him. Lately he's been acting like I'm more of a pain in the ass than I should be, and I really hate that. Fuck, maybe I'll just tell him to stop coming around...but my mom would probably kick my ass. "You want me to come inside for a little?," Trace asks, once we reach my front door. "I have time." I know I could say yes, and he and I could spend the rest of the day playing pool or my x-box. It sounds semi relaxing too, but I don't know...right now I just feel like a mess and I want to be alone. "Nah it's cool," I say softly, pushing the door open. "I'll call you tomorrow. Go be with your girl." He seems slightly let down by my answer, but he doesn't allow me to sense his mood for long. "You're going to be okay," he gives me a reassuring smile. "They were just photographers." I know he means well, but I don't really think he gets it. I mean, they found out where I was. If they could...anybody could. But I won't start in. It's bad enough that I put him through my mini meltdown a little while ago. "Yeah I know." I force a smile. "I'll call you tomorrow." I close the door in his face and it makes me cringe, but I know I can't turn back. I figure he'll understand. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? I'm used to him turning his back on me anyway. "Hey." She's standing there in the archway leading into the kitchen, hair up in a messy ponytail, small little smile on her face. It smells like fried chicken and apple pie and it's obvious she's been working on dinner for awhile now. Part of my insecurities fade away as I make my way towards her. "Hey, Mel." "How was it?" I make my way past her into the kitchen, and grab a Snapple out of the refrigerator. "It was cool," I say, trying not to sound lame. "We talked and stuff, nothing big." "Well that's nice." She rubs my back a little as she squeezes past me over to the oven. "Why don't you get settled, it'll be done soon." I try, I really do. I smile a little, sit down at the table and sip on my juice. She starts to go on and on about the Days of our Lives episode I missed, and I really try to pay attention because I wanted to know what happened. But I just can't focus properly. The vision of that SUV is still clear in my mind,the people inside of it watching my every move, violating me like...he did. Then I start to see other things, hear voices...hear his voice. "Fuck." I say, not being able to contain myself any longer. I rise up from the table, feeling sick to my stomach suddenly. "Justin?" Melanie says, wide eyed. "Wh-what's wrong?" I can't even answer her, because I know I'm about to puke all over the place. I high tail it into the bathroom around the corner from the kitchen and proceed to vomit into the toilet. It's horrible, and I can hear Shane's laugh in the back of my head the entire time. I feel so stupid...fuck, I could cry. Fuck, I think I am crying. "Justin...." Her hand is rubbing my back now, and I just...god, I don't want to be touched right now. After a minute I manage to stop getting sick and look over my shoulder. "Stop," I rasp. "Don't touch me." She backs away from me slowly, but I'm too busy getting sick to really care how she feels. It takes awhile for me to stop vomiting, and I'm on my knees, shaking, by the time its all over. I know I must look horrible, and the smell has got to be bad. I'm surprised Melanie is even still in here...but she is. She's sitting by the tub, magazine in hand, just staring at me. I cough a little and put my head in my hands. "Can I help?," she whispers after awhile. I shrug but I don't answer her, and I don't look up at her either. "Here." I hear the faucet running and a moment later she taps me and I force myself to make nice for her sake. I look up and accept the glass of water she's been holding out for me to take. "Thanks." "Did you eat anything today?," she asks me, concerned. "If you have food poisoning we should probably go to the...." "It's not that," I say quickly. "Nothing like that." "Well you must have gotten sick for a reason, Justin." It takes me a few more minutes of staring down at the gray tile covering the floor to muster up the courage to confess the truth to her. "There were photographers at the golf range." I'm semi proud of myself for getting that out, but really...it was nothing more than a hoarse whisper. Her concerned expression turns into an angry one almost immediately. "Seriously?" I just nod. "Fuck." She shakes her head roughly and runs her hands through her hair. "Justin....I'm sorry." "It's not your fault." I chuckle sadly and cough a little bit, before taking another sip of the water. "It just freaked me out, that's all." She stares at me for a few moments, then cautiously sits down beside me on the floor, reaching out to the flush the toilet on her way down. "I shouldn't have pushed you to do any of this," she says, staring at the floor. "You've told me about how much anxiety you have, and I just...in my mind, I think its better if you face your fears rather than hide from them. I should have listened to you more." My hand has latched onto hers before I know what's happening. We both stare at each other for a few awkward moments before it finally hits me that I should say something. "You're not doing anything wrong." I try to sound positive. "I mean, it's been months. I should be over this already," I chuckle. "It's just me being weak and stuff, thats all. I don't expect myself to act like this anymore. I guess things have just been...better, I haven't been scared like I was before." I look into her eyes, knowing in my heart that its all because of her, this simple girl, that I've stopped being as big of a mental case as I have been. I like it too...staring into her eyes. I could do it all day. "Better yeah but you aren't a hundred percent. You'll...never be." I look away from her. She's totally right, and while it's shitty it doesn't make me wallow in my sadness like it normally would. "I was an asshole this morning. You shouldn't even be sitting here with me and my puke right now. I deserve this." I give her hand a squeeze before pulling it away and getting up from the floor. I stare down at her, and she's looking up at me like she's trying to figure out the best thing she can do to help me. It's a familiar look, I know it all too well. She looks like Kerri would sometimes, after I'd completely fuck with her emotions. I shake my head. "I'll be okay." She doesn't answer. "Mel." I hold my hand out to her. "Come on, lets just go try to finish dinner and clean up." "Sure." She doesn't take my hand as she rises from the floor, she only flashes me a tight smile before brushing past me. I hear dishes clinking around a few moments later and I know she's trying to forget about what just happened. I feel like I'm supposed to go rub her shoulders and tell her that everything is fine, but I don't. That kind of thing doesn't work as well on her as it would with any other woman I've known in the past. She tends to get tense when I touch her or promise her things. So I don't know what I'm supposed to do to let her know that what happened has nothing to do with her. Maybe I just need to learn how to back off. A few minutes later I end up standing in the archway leading into the kitchen. She's still cleaning up, and I just watch her for a little bit. If you didn't know her, you'd think she was such an organized, well put together person. She moves with precision, paying attention to each task she performs as if its the most important thing in the world. A perfectionist I guess you could call her, I mean...if you didn't know her. But I do know her, and I know the seriousness plastered on her face has more to do with me and my bullshit than anything else. She's probably thinking that she's causing more trouble in my life than making it better. And I don't want her to think that way. I really don't... "Stalking me now?" I perk up, realizing that she's become aware of my presence. She's not angry though. She's actually smiling a little bit. "Nah." I say, with a soft smile. "I was just thinking." She starts to wipe down the dinner table, not taking her gaze off of me as she does so. "Are you sure you're okay, Justin?" I shrug. "I feel okay now. I wasn't really thinking about that though." "Well what were you thinking about?" The truth is, I was thinking about a lot more than I'd ever let on to her right now. The more I've been watching her lately, the more appealing she's become to me. She's so slender, so gentle. Her body curves in such a way that I can pin point the exact locations I'd like to grab onto and rub my hands up and down her perfect ivory skin. I can feel it, I can practically sense the way she'd smell...that sweet smell of vanilla and dove soap. My mouth practically waters because I can almost taste her, and know how it would feel to brush my lips against hers. "I have to write a song," I speak up softly, not being able to stop myself from staring at her. "You know, so I can bring it to that meeting on Monday." She stares at me and I know she can sense exactly how I feel about her right now, and it sucks because she looks fuckin terrified. I quickly straighten myself, and force a serious, blank expression. "Yeah..." I continue when she still doesn't say anything. "So I'm gonna go downstairs and work on that for awhile. Maybe I'll make some leeway tonight." "O-oh okay," she stutters nervously. "I'll just put some tinfoil over your dinner, and you can have it later tonight if you feel up to it." She quickly whirls around again, and starts to busy herself with the task at hand. I'm still staring at her. "Hey Mel." She doesn't turn around. "Hmm?" "You don't think things are weird with us right?," I ask her, trying to force some playfulness into my voice. "What do you mean?" "I dunno...." I trail off for a moment, remembering everything Trace said to me today. I know its a bunch of bullshit. I can't feel that way about anybody right now. For some reason though, the things he said are really getting to me right now. It's like...as I'm staring at her like a fool, they're almost making sense. "I guess Trace just likes to pretend he knows everything." Now she's looking at me. "Why? Did he say something about me?" I shrug a little, and look at the floor. "I guess he just sees it as, you're a pretty girl and he knows how I used to be. It's really nothing, he just likes to make assumptions. But I already told him that me and you could never be like that." She laughs a little bit, nearly knocking the plate of food off the counter before quickly catching it again. "You mean like...wait, what do you mean?" She shakes her head. "I'm sorry, I'm just confused. What do you mean?" She's stuttering now, and her face is bright red. I feel like an asshole for blurting all of this out. I mean, why am I even talking about this stuff with her anyway? I know it makes her really uncomfortable, and I'm in no condition to get all mixed up in her like this as it is. I dont know. Maybe I'm just curious. Maybe I just.... Maybe I just care about her more than I realize, and I'm starting to slip. I can't though. I can't slip. "You know what? I think I'm just all messed up from before," I tell her, shaking any weird feelings I might have been having about her out of my system. "And I got sick, so now I'm talking kind of crazy, thats all. I'm uh...just gonna go down and work on some music okay? You don't have to clean that all up right now either, you know. You can do whatever you feel like." "Justin," she says, wearily. "You're really starting to worry me right now. Maybe you should lie down or something." "No I'm good." "But..." I rush away from her before she can convince me otherwise. I just acted like a complete asshole back there and I have no idea why. Why is it that everytime I feel like complete shit, all she has to do is come and sit by me and I feel completely okay again? That's not good. I"m coming to rely on her entirely too much and I shouldn't be. The poor girl doesn't even know how bad I can get, and I don't ever want her to find out either. But if I allow my feelings to escalate anymore...if I allow myself to stare at her and think about her late at night like I have been, something bad will happen. I'll end up hurting her just like I've hurt everybody else. Melanie doesn't deserve that. She's the innocent one...the mediator. Fuck. I gotta learn to control myself. She's not the only person in the world, I just see her more than most people. There's a big difference. I shut myself up in my studio, safe...away from the world and evil things that can hurt me. I start to mess around with different things, some old tracks and ideas that didn't make the album. I start to find little bits and pieces of myself again through the music. Like the person I was before all this happened, he's buried in these songs somewhere. That whole summer I recorded this stuff, I was so different. The biggest worry on my mind then was how my album was going to turn out. I was too naive to the horrors in the world to concern myself with them. I wish I could talk to this kid, warn him. I wish I could tell him to pick up the phone and try to work shit out with Kerri before the album comes out. But I can't do anything. All I can do is remember. And it sucks. |
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SmileyMere |
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AWESOME!!!! You've heard my dissertations on this story so I'll spare everyone else from my analyzing it.
And yes, I will be annoyingly cracking the whip! oh and because this is my favorite part, I shall quote it! The truth is, I was thinking about a lot more than I'd ever let on to her right now. The more I've been watching her lately, the more appealing she's become to me. She's so slender, so gentle. Her body curves in such a way that I can pin point the exact locations I'd like to grab onto and rub my hands up and down her perfect ivory skin. I can feel it, I can practically sense the way she'd smell...that sweet smell of vanilla and dove soap. My mouth practically waters because I can almost taste her, and know how it would feel to brush my lips against hers. |
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ialwayzbesingin |
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Falling
You're a pretty girl.... I stand here frozen, barely breathing as I peer through a crack in the doorway. Those four words won't stop repeating themselves in my mind, and each time they do his voice starts to sound more and more appealing, convincing. It's soft and eloquent, like he could never do anything in this world to hurt me. I know I should run away, make up some excuse that I'm not well...that I need to go somewhere and get my head together. I'm in too far. I'm practically addicted now. I decided to mop the bathroom floor when he retreated downstairs earlier. I guess I was afraid some of his puke had gotten on the floor, and the last thing I wanted was to catch one of the pups licking it up or something. They're gross enough as it is, sniffing each others behinds and rolling around in the backyard all the time. Just the other day I had to give them both a flea bath because I'd caught them romping around in some bushes near Justin's basketball court. I swear, it's like raising kids. I know I could complain more too, but Justin has been doing his share of the work with them for the most part, like getting up to walk them and stuff. I'm actually kind of surprised, but then again I know they bring him comfort, and help him to forget about certain things on his mind if only for a little while. It's not as bad as I thought it would be, having the dogs. The boy is a little bit more rambunctious than the girl, but I guess that's to be expected. It took Justin a couple of days to come up with names for the two of them, and in the end I ended up going to the bookstore to buy one of those books with baby names so we could narrow the choices down. We'd sat on the couch late one night, one dog in each of our laps, flipping through the pages of the book together . Justin told me that he wanted both of the dogs names to start with the same letter, like twins. Of course, I'd laughed at him and told him that they weren't kids, but then he'd pouted so naturally I went with his idea, despite its cheesiness. In the end we'd somehow ended up with the name Buckley for the boy and Brennan for the girl. Justin said Buckley stood for Jeff Buckley, who we both agreed was a "kick ass musician". Brennan's name didn't really have much of an explanation. Justin figured it just had a nice ring to it, and I wasn't complaining. After all, they were just dogs names. The process was nothing compared to dealing with Justin's less that cooperative best friend a few days later. I'll admit, Trace isn't as big of a jerk as I'd originally thought in the beginning. He's just...so opinionated, and random. He walks around like he's free and clear to do whatever he pleases around Justin, with his home, and his property. Although I know its partially Justin's fault for never having the locks changed on Trace once they'd stopped talking, it wasn't an excuse for him to walk in the house unannounced and give me a heart attack. Still, I think I'm starting to get the hang of Trace and his personality. I know now, that he's really missed being around Justin, and even though I know he'd never admit it, he feels really guilty for not being there for him like he should have been. I've decided to accept the whole situation though. I figure if Justin can put all the stuff that happened between them somewhat behind him, I really have no reason to hold a grudge against Trace either. Deep down, I even get the feeling we could become good friends if given enough of a chance. But I won't rush things. For the time being, I want Justin to be able to rekindle his relationship with Trace, even if that means I have to simply linger in the background most of the time. It's a good thing that things are starting to turn around for him. It means I'm doing a good job. I'm helping him to change his life and turn himself around, and that's what Lynn really needed my help with all along. Hell, soon he may not even need me...wait... But then I'd have to leave. I tend to forget how far I've sank, how I basically wait for him to come home sometimes like the puppies do. It's like everything my gut and instincts have told me don't matter anymore. Justin is different. He doesn't scare me like all the other men in the world do. It's crazy how safe I feel when I'm around him. I know I shouldn't feel this way. More than one person involved with Justin's past has warned me about him...that he's manipulative and selfish. And I mean, I've seen that side of him. I've been around for his moods, I've let him treat me like a piece of shit, and I still haven't walked away. That's something I can't explain, so I've come to the conclusion that he's different and I need to figure out why that is. Maybe it's because we've both been through hell, and despite the fact that neither of us has completely opened up about what happened to the other, we can just sense that it was horrible. We're in the same situation, I'm just a little saner. Besides Susan, nobody else I've ever known has been able to relate to me about my rape like this. It's like I don't even have to go into detail, I don't have to tell him what exactly happened to me, he just knows how much pain I keep locked inside of me. Sometimes he'll hug me when he senses I'm down and I let him. I can feel his muscles tense up too. I know there's things about touching me that make him really uncomfortable, but I never let on to it in front of him. I know it has a lot to do with what happened to him, and so I figure if he doesn't push me for more information as to why I'm distant or sad sometimes, I shouldn't push him about his past either. He lets bits and pieces come out about it, like how he's terrified of going anywhere near his hometown, his issues with Trace, and whoever Kerri is. A lot of the time I feel like I'm better off not even knowing. Like, there's this feeling in my gut telling me it's not beneficial for me to know more, that there's something lurking in the midst that I want no part of... It freaks me out. I spoke to Lynn a couple of days ago about taking a trip to see a friend next weekend. Part of me wanted to tell her about Susan and the home, but I decided against it. I knew she didn't know about that part of my life, and I was afraid that if she found out she wouldn't want me to be around Justin anymore. I wouldn't blame her of course. Justin is enough of a mess as it is without another nut case added into the mix. I felt really bad lying to her though, almost as bad as I felt keeping the whole Justin smashing his room episode a secret. But I guess it was the selfish part of me taking over. I didn't want to lose Justin, because although I hate to admit it, I've been saner the past few weeks simply because of him. He keeps my mind off of what that asshole did to me, he gives me a reason to smile and laugh, and nobody has done that for me in a really long time. Yes, I'm addicted to Justin. In what exact way I have no idea. All I know is that it hurts when he's not here, and the very thought of not seeing him every day kills me inside. But Lynn was happy to hear that I finally wanted to take some time off. She said it was completely fine if I wanted to take a long weekend for myself. So I'm going to go and spend next weekend at the home with Susan. It'll be really good to talk to her in person I think. I'm actually hoping she can help me with my Justin issue. Maybe she can tell me why I suddenly seem to need him around all the time. I'm hoping its just some kind of mental disorder she can cure with a pill or two. I'm hoping that...I'm hoping that she won't tell me I'm falling in love. Not only is that ridiculous, but I know Justin would never ever go for someone like me. Yeah being secluded in the house with me is one thing, but once he gets going and settles back into his busy lifestyle he's going to figure it out, he's going to be able to see what he's been missing all this time. I'm sure I won't matter to him anymore. I haven't told Justin I'm taking next weekend off yet. I really doubt it'll matter all that much though. He has Trace, and Lynn said she was going to take a trip out and spend the weekend with him anyway. I think It'll be good for him to spend a weekend without me. Maybe he can stop acting weird, like before, when he told me I was a pretty girl. I mean, god, what was that anyway? I guess Trace was putting some crazy thoughts into his head at the golf range, and I'm not really surprised. I'll probably yell at him about that when I see him again. But still, Justin was acting really weird before. I felt like he really thought I was a pretty girl for a moment or two, and it wasn't just Trace's words influencing him. I sensed it in his eyes, in his soft little smile. He was staring at me like I was some great wonder of the world, and I've never seen Justin look at me that way before. For a moment I felt warm inside, then I started stuttering like an idiot, and then I almost knocked a plate of food to the floor. Of course the moment was ruined. Yeah, leave it to me. I know I'm horrible, standing here peering at Justin through a crack in the door. I just can't help myself though. The basement door was still open when I walked by, and I could hear his music playing softly from somewhere down below. It got me curious. It's not often that Justin talks about his career, and when he does it's usually in a negative light. I hadn't really let it hit me that I'd never see him sing, or play around with his studio equipment before. I guess...he'd stopped doing all of that for awhile. I've never really been a big fan of popular music. I usually listen to some indie rock or eighties music. Jeff Buckley is actually one of my favorite artists too, and so I was really surprised when Justin mentioned his love of Jeff's music to me. It meant we had a little bit more in common than I originally thought, and I guess I've kind of underestimated Justin a little bit. I know the music he performs is very modern pop/r&b top forty stuff. But I've never really asked him what influences him, or who some of his favorite artists are. Actually, I haven't asked him much about his interests at all. Things have been too awkward to get into stuff like that....well, up until now anyway. I guess now a new door has opened. We're actually pretty close and I guess that gives me grounds to ask him stupid shit like what his favorite movie is, and if he'd rather go see the Stones or Vanilla Ice. But doing that is only going to make me like him more, and I don't know if I can afford to. The closer I get to him the more unreliable I become as a supportive source. Lynn can't afford for me to be a mess over her son, so I have to get my act together before it's too late. Right now in this moment though, I know I can do no such thing. I'm peering through the crack in the door, like a stalker, watching him as he plays the piano and quietly sings to himself. There's so much passion in it, like nothing I've ever seen him do before. He seems to pour his heart and soul into each note he plays and each lyric he sings, and I can see why his record company is pressuring him into working again. He's beautiful when he sings too. He looks at peace with himself, like he's okay, like he's almost living a different life. I just wish I could give him this, I mean, allow him to live him this way all the time. I guess I should be happy that he's actually down here working right now though. I know he wouldn't be if I hadn't pushed him to get out of bed and start living again. I'm actually proud of myself, for the first time in a long time. That's saying something too... It means he's saving me from self destruction. There's a light bark and a whine down by my feet and I could kill myself for not closing the door behind me when I came down here. I look down and spot the two puppies just before Buckley pushes the door open the rest of the way with his nose. I squint in the new light, and frown as the dogs run around Justin's piano and yap at his heels. He seems shocked at first, but then laughs a little bit when he sees me standing before him. "Who's stalking who now?," he laughs, and reaches down to scratch Brennan on her head. "I'm uh...sorry," I reply, sheepishly. I'm sure my face is twelve different shades of red at the moment, and I'd like nothing more than to clamber back up the stairs and start to mop some other part of the house. But his smile has me frozen in place. I cant' take my eyes off of him, and I know he knows it too. God, I'm such a fool. "I never thought you'd have the guts to spy on me, Melanie." He shoos the dogs away, barking an order for them to get up the stairs, and they race away. I look at him in amazement. They're never that obedient with me. "How did you..." "It's my charm." He says, with a smile. I cross my arms over my chest and roll my eyes at him. "Somehow I doubt that Buckley and Brennan care about your charm, Justin." He shrugs. "It got you to come down here didn't it?" "That wasn't your charm," I say, much too quickly. I'm getting nervous. I can feel myself start to tremble just slightly. I shouldn't be acting this way. I've been here way too long, and I've forced myself to be comfortable when I'm around him. Why are things suddenly changing now? Why am I seeing him in this new light, like...that he's some kind of awesome being? It's only Justin, right? I mean, right now his smile looks great and he...he looks really great. All collected and together, nice shave, nice hair, nice clothes... I have issues. "Then what was it, retard? It couldn't be my stench." He chuckles to himself as he beings to toy with his piano again. "I dont' have body-yy odor-rr," he sings. "I buy-yy smells-s be gone-e on the regular-rr." I cover my face and laugh until I feel like I'm going to pee my pants. It's terrible. I'm entirely too easily amused and I'm sure Justin thinks there's something wrong with me right now. I try so hard to make myself stop laughing too, but when I look up at him again, I realize that he's laughing just as hard. "It shouldn't be so funny," I say, through my laughter. "It was actually pretty lame." "I know," he sighs and wipes the laughter tears from his eyes. "I guess it goes to show that we need to laugh more and get out a hell of a lot more." He's right. I mean the laughter part is probably doable. I have a feeling that things are starting to get a lot less tense, and there will be a lot more laughter than tears between us in the near future. The whole getting out thing is probably unrealistic though. I mean, he's starting to do some things with Trace and that's good but I know how afraid he still is about going out in public. As for me, I don't venture out on my own unless its necessary. If we need something for the house, or Justin needs me to take him somewhere or get him something I'll do it because I know I have to. But as far as simply getting out and doing something random...I can't remember the last time I did anything like that. Going out in public still scares me, despite the fact that my rape happened years ago. I guess it's something that will always stick with me. It's just a downfall of the situation. I wish I could explain how I feel to Justin too, but I just...I'm not ready. Hell, I don't think he's ready either. "Yeah, you're right," I say softly, not looking in his direction. I glance around the studio quickly. I've never taken the time to come down here and look around, not even to clean. I guess I was afraid. I didn't want to meddle around down here because I never saw Justin go down anyway, so I just left it alone. I can tell it needs a little bit of dusting here and there, but otherwise the room seems fine. His studio is immaculate of course. I wouldn't even want to know how much he spent having it installed, because I'd probably feel sick to my stomach. It's a musicians wet dream though, that I can tell. One side of the room has a wall that stretches the length of the studio, adorned with various plaques, gold, and platinum records. There's a few shelves lining the wall with some trophies on them too. It's weird. It's like there's been a whole other side to Justin being kept hidden down here from the world. He's so accomplished, the complete opposite of what I ever thought he was in the beginning. It's almost overwhelming, I almost feel like I don't belong. "Come sit, Mel," he says lightly. "You're staring to scare me, staring at the walls like that." I don't meet his request right away. I'm afraid of what will happen if I sit next to him like that too quickly. I might act like an idiot, stare at him or giggle like a dumb ass. I need to calm myself for a couple of minutes at least, before taking that step. So instead, I wander across the room to his shelves filled with trophies, and study them curiously. "Justin," I sigh, as I come upon a trophy shaped like an moon man with the MTV logo embedded into the rock surface. "This is really dusty." I go to touch its little flag, so I can wipe off some of the dust with my finger to prove my point, and immediately wish I hadn't. The little flag detaches itself from the moon man's hand at my touch, and I gasp. "Oh no," I whimper. Right. Great, Melanie. It takes me a minute or two to realize that Justin isn't flipping out over what I've done. Instead, he's sitting there, laughing at me like I just performed the funniest act in the world. "Mel, it goes back. Just relax, and put it up so you can come sit." Now that I feel like a complete imbecile, I quickly put the flag back, feeling a little bit relieved when I find that it goes right back into place. I quickly walk over to his spot at the piano, and eye the empty place on the bench cautiously before taking a seat beside him. It takes me awhile, but I finally manage to look at him again. He's still laughing at me a little bit, and I frown. "Come on," he nudges me a little bit, playfully. "Don't get all uptight on me right now. I just sang you a song about body odor." It gets me to lighten up a little bit, and I let out a carefree chuckle. "Sorry." I clear my throat a little bit. "I just thought I broke your shiny award." "It's just a thing." He shrugs. "I wouldn't have went ballistic, I just woulda made you bake me something." "You're really obsessed with my cooking," I laugh at him, and nudge him back. "It's kind of sad." "I can't deny it," he smiles, as he plays a few random chords on the piano. "It's the closest thing to home I have right now." He continues to play, but I don't say anything. It's made me feel a little awkward hearing him say that, and just by glancing at him I know he feels awkward too. His shoulders are a little more rigid now, and the playfulness has left his expression. "So Mel." I snap to attention. "Uh, yeah?" "That meeting on Monday I told you about, it's kind of detrimental to moving on with my career you know?" "Yeah." I say stupidly, a blank, unknowing expression on my face. He stares at me seriously, like he's debating whether or not to go on with the conversation or not. "Well I thought since you're down here you could maybe, uh, help me out with something." Flashes of inappropriateness enter my mind. I feel horrible about it. I can't believe I even took what he just said this much out of context. "LIke what?," I say softly, a hint of caution escaping into my voice. "Well I have this song I have to present to Clive Davis and Johnny," he explains. "And you're an unbiased third party. So I figure if you hear it and you think its god awful, I'll know its not the right song to present to them." I sit there in silence, staring at him for a few moments. Really, I'm not thinking about anything he just said. I'm back to those inappropriate thoughts again, trying to get them out of my head. I'm really too far gone. I'm going crazy. I really need to be put on medication again. "Mel?" My eyes go wide, realizing he's been waiting for me to say something. "Huh?" He eyes me suspiciously. "Do you want to hear the song? I mean if this is boring to you I'll understand. It's not a big deal." He's smiling but I can tell it's forced. I know he really wants my opinion about this song of his, and I'm an idiot for not being able to focus. Of course I want to help him. It seems that my whole reason for living right now is to help him. "I'm...i'm sorry, Justin." I laugh nervously. "My mind is just all over the place right now. Of course. I'd love to hear it. I barely know anything about this side of you." He looks down at the piano again and licks his lips, a sad, sorrowful expression taking the place of his carefree one. "I barely do either, anymore." I feel weird about saying anything, so I don't. I feel like he doesn't need me to at the same time. He just knows I understand, and a part of that idea makes me feel really good, but it also makes me wish I could make all of his problems go away. I know thats impossible too, and really I'd never think this way about anybody else. My logic behind issues like Justin's has been the same for years....that you have to work through them. I never feel sorry for people, I dont even feel sorry for myself. I just push myself to be better. With Justin I'm starting to feel so much different though. It's like....it kills me that he has to hurt so much. I just don't understand. He doesn't give me warning before he starts to play his song for me, he just gets right down to it. It's a slow, sultry melody, but just upbeat enough not to bore somebody to death. At the first words he sings, I'm already visioning young teenage girls sitting in their rooms or on the bus swooning to the sexy ballad. The lyrics are heartfelt and realistic, and I don't understand just why it is that somebody who can do so much with music has been allowed to simply dwindle away in his house like this. It's just not fair. And I'm just not going to tolerate it anymore. He's got to get out, he's got to get his life back together a hundred percent, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to help him. "So um, what did you think?" I was so enveloped in my own thoughts, I hadn't even realized the song ended. I stare at him, my mouth hanging open slightly. I literally have no words. I'm floored. I'm as bad as his rabid teenage fans are, and it's embarrassing. When I don't say anything he chuckles softly and looks away from me, disappointed. "It's lame, right?" "What? No!," I gasp. "I mean it was fucking...no...I mean, it was nice." I feel my face getting hotter. I'm a mess, and it's very bad. I need to leave. I'm sure Justin is getting the idea that something is up, and I'm probably going to start making him feel really uncomfortable. How the hell am I helping him? I"m not. I"m going to dig us into a deep hole that we wont' be able to get out of. But he barely seems to care about my reaction. All he can do is smile, and lean in a little closer to me. "DId it make you swoon?" He plays a silly chord on the piano and bites his lip. I roll my eyes, trying not to show how flustered I am. "Shut up, Justin." "Oh so that's a yes," he says slyly. "Whatever," I laugh. "You know you're a swoon machine." "Yeah I know. I just wanted to hear you admit it." "Please!" I laugh louder this time and shake my head. I feel a little less tense now because he's being silly. The seriousness of the conversation has ended, at least for now and it's helping me to melt back into my normal Justin mode. I'm not thinking of him in...that way right now, and hopefully I won't have to for the rest of the day. "So," he continues, the sly smile still on his face. "What's so swoon worthy about me, Mel? Is it my smile, my eyes, my sexy tenor singing voice?" "No I'd say it was your laugh," I blurt out, like I have a silly crush on him. Okay, I just failed. I'm a moron. It's official. I'm officially in a hole. His smile gets softer, and he stares at me for awhile. So long in fact, that I find myself looking down into my lap and doing that nervous picking at my nails thing I tend to start when I'm really uncomfortable around somebody. "Here, give me your hands." I hear him say. My eyes get wide and I look up at him. "Huh? Why?" He laughs a little bit. "Come on, you don't trust me?" I'm about to say no but I have to bite my tongue. I mean, of course I trust him...just not, in that kind of touching aspect. But I don't trust anybody when it comes to that kind of stuff. Strangely enough though, I end up nodding a yes in the end and I allow him to take my hands and place them on the piano keys. Then he puts his hands on top of mine and he guides them along as we play a simple little melody. For the second time, I'm literally touching Justin and I'm not scared. Yeah, I'm a little nervous but that's a given. The most important thing is that I trust him, I feel safe with his body close to mine and his hands touching my hands. I wish I could tell him exactly how I feel too, but he wouldn't really understand and I know I cant tell him why I'm so insecure about men in general. So I'll just go with it, savor the moment...until it ends. And it does end, but I can't move. I'm numb. He completely caught me off guard there. I never knew he could be so gentle, so understanding of me. I can't even take my hands off the keys because his hands are still on top of mine. I look up at him then, and he's staring back at me silently. His playful smile is gone. He's gone back to staring at me strangely, like he was doing earlier. His gaze is more paralyzing now than before though. It's like we have this connection. We don't even have to say anything to each other, we just know. But sadly, neither of us is willing to admit it to the other. I start to wonder what he really thinks of me. If I could possibly that attractive to him... "Mel," he whispers. I barely make eye contact with him. "Yeah?" He takes his hands off of mine finally, but catches me by surprise again when he brushes the hair away from my face and gently smoothes his thumb over my cheek. The look in his eyes is something I've never, ever seen before. It's scaring the crap out of me. He smiles a little and chuckles softly, probably because he can tell how bewildered I am right now. "I..." I don't let him get any more words out. I pull away from him and jump up from the bench quickly. "Night!" I call to him as I run back upstairs, away from weirdness, away from his touch, and away from his smile. I race past the pups who were waiting so patiently by the door. I run through the house, through the kitchen, out the door and across the yard. I don't stop until I've reached my place of solace, pushing the door closed with my back and sliding down to the floor. My heart is racing, and I can feel a silly smile making its way onto my lips. I laugh a little, trying to catch my breath. I have an incredible feeling inside of me right now. It's so incredible in fact, that I have no idea what to make of it. I can't define it, and I can honestly say I've never felt this way before in my life. I try to make sense of what just happened, and I try to figure out if it was a good thing or a bad thing. I just can't though, because nothing that just happened makes sense. I mean christ, this isn't how I'm supposed to be acting! God, where the hell is my brain? I frown. The incredible feeling dies down after awhile. Now I just feel...empty and confused. My tears come quickly. I think I feel Morgan make her way onto my lap, snuggling against me because she's missed me all day. I reach out for her, thankful when I'm right about her presence and I pull her close to me. I cry so hard, harder than I have in a great while. Nothing makes sense right now. I could have kissed him, I almost did. I've completely slipped away and I promised myself that I wouldn't do this. I want to run far, far away tonight. Pack a bag and be gone without an explanation. But I know it's too late for all of that now. I had my chance weeks ago when Justin was still a miserable bastard, brooding in his room. Things have changed and now I'm in too deep. We've grown too close, and somebody is going to get hurt. There's nothing I can do about it, and that leaves me feeling more hopeless than I have in a long time. ********************** I thought I'd learned a lot about the music business by being out on the road with Justin those couple of summers my parents allowed me to join him and Trace on tour. It seemed so easy, despite Justin's constant griping about how tired he was. People seemed to cater to him and the rest of the group like they were royalty and a small part of me always thought he was kind of lame for bitching as much as he did. But I guess I just couldn't see the job through Justin's eyes, so that sort of made me wrong. He was dancing around a stage and singing his heart out, sometimes six nights out of the week, while Trace and I simply smoked some weed and watched from the sidelines. Maybe thats why it seemed so easy to me. I wasn't doing the work. Justin was. Even so, I always knew no matter how much he complained, he loved what he did and he would never give it up even though it exhausted him. Now though, I think I can understand how tired Justin was. Working at the radio station has definitely given me a firm insight as to how strenuous and crazy this business can be. Everything is rush, rush, rush. There's no time to sit and linger, or chat with friends. Especially if you're the one thats helping to organize an artists schedule or show. I thought I'd been under enough pressure when I'd been working for Justin, even though when we were having our good days I didn't really care how much work I had to do for him. But working for Tarin and the radio station has been an entirely new experience. Not only am I working under somebody else, but one slip up can mean disaster for the entire radio station as a whole. To say the concept has made me a nervous wreck is an understatement, and what happened between Trace and I at the venue made things that much worse. I'd thought I'd been out of a job, and when I'd cried to Susan on the front porch of the home I told her what had happened. I told her I just wanted to hide...never go back. But she told me I had to at least make an effort to explain myself to my superior. It was time that I learned how to make up for my mishaps so I could better my future, she'd said. And she was right. I mean yeah, it had taken a lot for me to go show my face at the radio station the next day but now I know if I hadn't, things would have taken an extreme turn for the worse. The day after my blowout with Trace and Tarin, Susan had dropped me off at work, as she'd agreed to do until I could drive or find another means of transportation. I'd walked into the office, just waiting for Tarin to come up to me and tell me that I was fired. Thankfully, she hadn't been in the office at that time and I figured she was probably at the venue doing errands without me. Naturally I didn't have an issue with that, I'd had a pile of crap lying on my desk that I could work on, and so I just got down to work, trying to forget about my insecurities. It wasn't until a half hour later when one of the other interns approached my desk, her eyes filled with curiosity, that I was forced to sink back into my reality again. "David wants to see you in his office." Was the only thing she'd said to me, giving me the once over with her still curious eyes, before wandering away again. To say I was dumbfounded was an understatement. I was confused. Why hadn't I been yelled at yet, or fired even? I wanted to ask someone. I wanted to know what was going on with my job. But I figured that David wanted to see me, and he was the main boss anyway, so he'd be able to tell me whatever I wanted to know. I just...really didn't want to talk to him. He made me uncomfortable as it was, letting his eyes wander up and down my body, making it a point for them to linger on my breasts as long as possible. I was even about to tell that intern I'd rather not, but she'd already left. I guess I decided to go because I knew if I didn't, I'd eventually have to deal with Tarin when she came back into the office. I was already a mess emotionally without hearing her tear me apart even more. So I gathered my stuff and did as I was told, figuring it was the better choice. The door had been partway open when I'd arrived, and so I'd slowly pushed it open the rest of the way. David had been at his desk, phone to his ear, smiling and laughing at the current conversation he was having. I'd nearly turned back, feeling bad about interrupting him, but he'd noticed me almost immediately and motioned me forward with his hand. I'd done so begrudgingly, taking a seat in one of the chairs in front of his desk. He didn't get off the phone right away, so I took the opportunity to glance around the office. I realized I'd never been in it before, he'd interviewed me in a conference room on one of the other floors. It was luxurious of course, as I expected it to be. Pictures of him with various celebrities that had come to the station adorned the walls, along with various certificates and awards. I knew he'd been in the industry awhile, but I had no idea how he'd gotten his start. It didn't interest me, so I didn't want to ask. In fact, the whole idea of sitting before him had sickened me. I didn't like him. The voice in the back of my mind had been screaming at me to get far, far away. But I'd been petrified. I didn't know why I'd been summoned in the first place, and all I could think was, if I left, he'd make sure I'd never be able to get a job at another radio station. "Sorry about that," he'd chuckled, finally hanging up the phone. "My buddy just had to tell me this crazy story." I'd forced a polite smile. "It's okay. Uh, somebody said you wanted to see me?" I knew I sounded nervous, but I couldn't help it. I didn't know what to expect, and the fact that he was sitting behind a large important looking desk was slightly intimidating. It almost made me feel like a nobody for a moment, but then I remembered myself. A mischievous gleam had entered his eyes. "I did say that," he'd smiled. "Word around here is you've been kind of rambunctious lately, Kerri." I'd bit my lip, and shrugged. "I just had a disagreement with....Tarin." I'd nearly said Trace's name before remembering that I didn't know if David knew he'd been around that day or not. "I didn't think, I just left because I'd been upset." "Well," he'd chuckled, leaning back in his leather executive chair. "She can be kind of a bitch." He was so blunt about it, and it was weird to me. I knew that Tarin had worked side by side with David for a few years, and hearing him talk badly about her to a simple intern like myself was a little odd. "I dunno," I'd replied stupidly. "I've just been stressed. I figured she was going to fire me this morning, or maybe thats why I'm up here with you right now." I hadn't looked him in the eye, because I'd been wincing too hard in anticipation...waiting for him to tell me that I was right. "I'll be honest, she wanted me to fire you," he confessed after a few minutes. "But I told her to forget it." My eyes had widened at the new information, but I'd been a little bit too shocked to get a response out right away. "I know, I know, you fucked up and I should be pissed and demote you or something," he'd said, basically speaking for me. "But I think Tarin's been just a little bit harsh on you considering the things you've gone through. You know, everybody messes up, and I just don't think you deserve to get fired. I see a lot of potential in you, Kerri. You went through four years of a communications major, I mean...you know what you're doing." Despite the fact that he was making more sense than he should have been, I still felt sick to my stomach. I didn't understand why he was suddenly becoming my biggest fan when he barely knew me. Justin's name kept flashing in my head. My mind was telling me he wanted to use me, but... I guess I was just so tired of being on the bottom of everybody's list that it felt good to hear somebody commend me and tell me I was worth something. For the first time I was allowing my walls to crumble, and it was so weird. I mean, David Foster? Making me believe I wasn't such a screw up after all? "I have a lot of setbacks," I told him, softly. He'd folded his hands and pressed his index fingers to his lips, taking the time to think for a moment before continuing. "You could have that spot on the morning show if you really wanted it you know," he'd nodded, his voice calm. "All it would take is a little self confidence and some hard work. You have the personality, it just doesn't get to show itself all that often, that's all." I knew for a fact that the spot on the morning show was freeing up in the fall, as the other woman who did the show with JoJo was about to have a baby and wouldn't be coming back. I also knew, as did all the other interns, that Tarin had pretty much been guaranteed the spot by David over a year ago. It was a big topic of discussion in the break room among the girls, because when Tarin got promoted it would mean her spot would be free, and everybody was clambering to kiss her ass so she would pick them to take her place. I was starting to become very uneasy, and I'd looked down at my lap, not really sure what to say except: "I thought Tarin was getting that job." He'd laughed at me then. "Do you believe everything you hear, Kerri?" I'd just shrugged, and managed to look at him again. "I just thought she'd been here the longest and..." "Don't you want the job?," he'd smiled, cutting me off. It was a mouthwatering idea. Co-hosting the most popular morning show in Los Angeles could work wonders for anything I would ever want to do in the radio industry, I knew that. But I just didn't feel right about how I'd be getting the position. I know I shouldn't have really cared about going behind Tarin's back. I mean, she'd been really shitty to me, and I was convinced she'd had something to do with Trace turning his back on me. But still, that situation had nothing to do with me stealing a position that Tarin had obviously been working hard to earn for quite some time. "I do. I just don't think I have enough experience," I'd bullshitted. "I had to put my whole career on hold for a little bit, David. The only reason I had a chance here was because Tarin gave me one." "I don't care about all that," he said seriously. "I know how you girls think around here, like Tarin is the saving grace of this radio station. I'm not trying to talk her down or anything, she does a lot of work around here and she gets things done, but I just don't know if she has the right personality to co-host a popular radio show. It's a big issue, and it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. We're looking for somebody more down to earth, because JoJo already has all the spunk we need. I think putting Tarin in there would make the show too edgy, and then I'd lose my job," he laughed. "So you kind of understand where I'm coming from right?" I didn't understand, but that didn't mean I was going to tell him that. I started to let the selfish side of me take over, telling myself that David had to know far more about what was best for the station than me. "Yeah I guess so," I'd finally agreed. "If you think that I'm a good candidate, I probably shouldn't argue with you." He'd smiled, and I could sense that the wheels in his head had started turning faster. He seemed pleased at what I'd said but I didn't exactly know what that meant. Had he been planning on telling me this all along? Was he having an issue with Tarin that he wasn't telling me about? Was his offer to me simply a way for him to get back at Tarin for something she'd done to piss him off? Honestly, I had no clue, but who was I to question him about it? Tarin wasn't my friend, that was apparent. So I decided I shouldn't have cared if she got fired, promoted, or demoted. It just wasn't ethical. "That's really great, Kerri," he'd said brightly. "Why don't we talk about it more over dinner. How does next week sound? I know this weekend is going to be nuts with the event and everything." Bad idea, my conscience had warned. But, just like so many times before, I chose to ignore it and go with what my selfish side wanted me to do. It was helping me to forget certain things on my mind too, like Trace and Justin, and that was a really beneficial thing. I hadn't slept. I knew it would feel good to. "Great," I'd smiled at him, genuinely. "I'd love to." He gave me his number then, telling me to call him any time I was having a work related issue that I needed him to resolve, and promised me we'd set a date the following week for dinner. I felt a lot better as I started to walk out of his office...like something was finally turning around for me despite how shitty the rest of the week had been going. "Oh and Kerri," he'd called out quickly. I'd turned around, halfway out the door. "Yeah?" "Just do me a favor and don't mention this to anybody okay? I don't want any sort of mass hysteria to start downstairs with the girls or Tarin. It could get ugly." He'd smiled at me as he picked up his phone again and started to dial another number. "Oh...sure." I'd been knocked down again. I didn't know what to make of that either, but I knew following his instructions was probably better than going against them. "Thanks David." "Make sure you stick with Tarin at the event tomorrow, and let me know if she fucks up anything, or if she sneaks off with friends. I'd do it myself but I can't be there. Can I count on you to do that for me?" He'd said it so seriously, the charming, warm expression gone from his face. It kind of freaked me out, and I didn't really know what he was trying to do. "You want me to spy on her?" I'd said, confused. "Not spy," he'd chuckled. "I just need an extra set of eyes, that's all. It's not a big deal. Just consider it doing something for your boss, all right?" I'd promised him I'd do what he'd asked, and I went back downstairs to try and get more paperwork done. I found I couldn't really concentrate though, and it was really annoying me. In my heart, I knew doing as David asked was wrong. He was being really deceptive toward Tarin, somebody he'd worked with for years. Who was I to go and spy on her just so I could rat her out to David? What was he trying to do, and what was the reason for it? I haven't been able to come up with any of the answers to those questions yet, and I doubt I'm going to be able to unless David gives me more information. There's something up. I know it now. But I'm trying hard not to care so much. I like the proposition thats been presented to me, and it's time I took a charge of my life and did something to benefit myself for a change. I'm sure if the situation were reversed Tarin would do the exact same thing to me. Right? Breaking down to Susan helped a lot. I actually started speaking in group the other day, about some dream I'd had. Surprisingly enough I wasn't so scared. The girls there actually listened to me for a change, instead of staring me down like I had some kind of disease. It was nice getting it off of my chest. I felt a lot better about myself afterward, and Susan had been watching me from the across room too...smiling. I guess I can say things are starting to change a little bit there too. I mean it's only been a couple of days, but I feel like I've gotten more out of my system in those days than I have since we escaped from that hellhole basement. I feel a little more carefree, a little less sick, and a lot more secure about my surroundings. I'm not really sleeping of course, but I guess that has more to do with current events than anything else. I'm hoping to get back to that though...sleeping. Susan gave me this cute little notebook to jot down my thoughts in, sort of like Justin has. It's been helping me get through the night lately. I've just been writing down all the crap in my head that usually swims around and drives me crazy. I re read some of it this morning and I completely scared myself too. I hadn't even realized how dark it had all been when I'd wrote it down. I think I'm more fucked up than I ever thought I was in the beginning. I just don't know if I'm too late to fix myself completely. It's scaring me, coming to terms with my demons so suddenly. I've put them off entirely too long, and it's not just about the kidnapping either. It's all the shit before that. All the pain I went through when Justin and I stopped talking. How lonely I felt when Trace and Justin were off doing exciting things and I was left alone in Millington. I've been starting to get into all of that in my entries. I'm just so full of anger, and I don't even think I realized just how bad it was. I've just become this big bottled up mess who can't think straight. It's like, even when I had Justin months ago I couldn't handle it because I was so afraid of losing him I didn't know how to act around him. That jerked him around, fucked with what was already a mess in his head, and turned him against me in the end. Trace is another story... One that I don't know if I can handle at this moment in time, even though I know I have to. I cant just let it linger in my head or I'll get worse. It just makes me so upset that I lost the one person who'd done so much to help me get back on track. I just fucked it all up. I'm so angry at him for giving up on me but at the same time I fucking deserved it too. It's just all so messed up, and I can't figure it out. I want to call him and figure things out too, but he specifically told me not to and so I won't cause him anymore unwanted pain. Trace is the type that when he's ready to talk he will. I should know, I've bared witness to it several times in my life. He just needs space, and I can understand. I'm just afraid that Tarin has talked so much junk about me by now, that she's totally turned him against me. I don't know anymore. I just miss him though. Fuck, I miss them both...so much. Despite how much of a mess I am though, I somehow managed to make it through work today and home in time to get myself together for the dinner date I'd promised Cooper. I wanted to back out really badly, just sit in my room tonight and think about some things. But he'd been such a good friend to me. He'd been there for me when everyone else had turned their back, and he'd gotten me back to Susan's in one piece. I figured I owed it to him to meet him for a quiet dinner. He'd pulled up to the group home right on time, as he'd told me he would. I wasn't surprised. From the beginning I could tell Cooper wasn't the type of guy to be late or give me the run around about doing something. For the first time in a long time, I'd made an extra effort to look nice. I'd pulled out a classy looking sundress that had long since been put into hiding since I'd left Justin's, and I did my make up. It felt sort of nice, looking presentable for a guy. But it sent chills through me to think that the only other guy I'd ever tried to look good for was Justin. I felt slightly pathetic. I didn't want Cooper to find out either, but I knew it wasn't going to be easy. For the first time since I agreed to go on our little date, it was hitting me that I'd never been out with another guy besides Justin. It was hard to accept. I didn't even know how to act. I mean yeah, we were just friends, but I knew Cooper had a thing for me and I guess...I could see myself ending up having a thing for him too. But what did I do? What did I say? Cooper certainly wasn't Justin. I didn't know what little things irked him, or what made him smile. We've been sitting here for about a half hour now, and I still have yet to hold a conversation with the kid. He's not complaining. He seems to be satisfied that I'm just here with him, enjoying the food. I don't know though. I know it's awkward, and I'm sure if I was anybody else he would have called it quits already. But for some reason I'm just irresistible to him. Go figure. "So you're a girl," he tells me, after awhile. I stare at him, puzzled. "Uh...yeah," I say, letting out a nervous laugh. "Pretty sure." "Sorry," he laughs, his cheeks turning a little pink. "I've just been thinking about what to get my sister for her birthday. It's next week." It's the smallest of the small talk, but I know he's trying here and I think I owe it to him to at least play along. I doubt I'll go out with him again after this of course. It's just too weird and I'm not ready. But at least he's not yelling at me or putting me down. "Well how old is she?" "Sixteen." He rolls his eyes. "She wants a car but my dad refuses. He doesn't think she's ready to drive yet." "Ah," I nod. "Well you can't go wrong with a trip to the mall, or a gift card. That usually does the trick." I don't look up at him as I say the words. I'm finding my plate of food much more interesting. I think it's because I know if I look up and stare into his eyes long enough I'll get lost in them like I did the other day...and I'm so fucking afraid of that. I just can't afford to lose myself in somebody else right now. "True." He says, and I hear him take a slurp of his soda. "Maybe if I take her to the mall you can come along...you know, to give her some fashion tips or something." I laugh a little, the idea of setting foot in a busy shopping mall in LA scaring the shit out of me. "I'm the last person you want fashion advice from, Cooper." "Why not?," he asks me, the disappointment apparent in his voice. "I think you look...good in that dress." That was slick. I wonder how long he'd been conjuring up that whole story about his sister in his head to get that one line about my dress out. He's adorable and I hate it. It's just not fair. Why couldn't he have been around in high school when I had nobody? Why couldn't he have come around in college while Justin wasn't in the picture? I could have handle him then. We could have been happy. But now I'm just a mess, and I'm confused, and I don't even now what to do to let Cooper know all of that either. "Thanks," I whisper, and pick at my food some more. "You sure you're okay, Ker?" "Just tired," I say, shortly. "How's your food?" "It's fine." I feel myself growing more annoyed at each question he asks me. It was okay on the car ride here when he rambled on and on about his father's last fishing trip. It was okay when we first got seated, when he was telling me about his customer service horror stories at Borders. But now he's just reaching to keep the conversation afloat and it's not fun or entertaining anymore. "Cooper look...it's..." "Look, I'm sorry," he says, his smile finally fading away. "I'm trying. I was really looking forward to this and it doesn't seem to be panning out the way I thought. I guess I just assumed you wouldn't be as uptight because we had talked. But I guess I just...I just don't get you and I didn't want to accept that until now." I feel terrible for him. If anything, he really just wants somebody to talk to. But I'm just not the best person for that type of thing. I"m too caught up in my own crap to give a damn about his sisters birthday or whatever else he has on his mind. It's selfish and its' terrible but I just can't lie to myself. And I really can't deny that I wish he was Trace or Justin right now either. I'm sick. But I knew that going into this. "I told you I'm not the best girl to be seeing right now, Cooper. I wish I could be better, you know? I'd give anything to be a different person and be better for you, but I just can't be. I'm just so fucked up." "You only went on this date because you felt sorry for me," he says, darkly. "I know I practically begged you to come but still...I thought if anything, we were friends first anyway. Now I just feel like you're going through the motions. You don't really care about me or what I have to say, do you?" "I..." I have to stop and sigh. It's not entirely true. I just can't focus, but he doesn't understand because he can't see what's going on or what I've been through. "That's not it. I just...I don't really know how to act around you." "That's what I don't get. You think you have to act a certain way around me, so I'll be impressed," he tells me. "I'd think you'd know better by now. I'm not the kind of person that needs to be impressed. I thought that I made it pretty clear that I wanted to hang out with you because you were cool and we have stuff in common." He shrugs, bowing his head down and laughing softly. "This isn't working out. Maybe I should just take you back. You're not happy to be here and there's no point forcing you to stay." I feel terrible, but I don't disagree with him. He's right, there is no point in trying to tough this dinner out. I'm miserable, and he's basically talking to himself right now. It sucks. I can almost remember what I'd been like years ago, back at school, when Justin was out of the picture. We'd go out as a big group and I'd be one of the loudest, funniest people there. It was weird, in college I just kind of discovered I had this loud, vibrant personality. I was actually well liked, among Siobhan and her ever growing population of friends. I've been forgetting a lot about that version of me. It all seems so far in the past now, and I know I'll never be able to be at that level again. I don't even think Justin really knew that girl. I was always happy, and I loved to joke with him. But I was never as rambunctious, loud, or crazy with him like that. I guess I was always too afraid of what he'd think. Trace saw it sometimes, when we were alone, but never to that extent. It amazes me that I'd kept my personality buried for that long, and then when it was finally out and about, I tucked it away again. It's like I had all of five minutes to show who I really was. I've just been fake the rest of the time. He motions the waitress over after a couple of minutes, and tells her he'd like the check. I pull out my purse, feeling terrible because we'd only eaten half of our food, but he refuses to let me pay. It's the gentleman in him, but I don't feel good about letting him do it. We silently walk back to his car afterward, and he opens the door for me, letting me get inside before closing it after me. I pull my seatbelt on with a sigh, feeling myself starting to lose it. There's a stinging in my eyes and I know I'm going to be in tears very soon. I try my best to hold back when he gets in the car, and starts up the engine. I don't want to break down in front of him again. I just want this night to be over. "Hey do you mind if we stop at Borders so I can check my schedule?," he asks me after awhile. "I'd drop you off first but it's kind of pointless since we're going to pass it anyway." I shrug. "Uh, sure, if you want." I really don't want to. I don't want to see any people or try to act saner tonight. But I feel so guilty. Cooper should be able to have at least one thing go his way tonight, so I'll stop being selfish for the time being. We pull up literally ten minutes later, and Cooper expertly parallel parks the car in front of Borders and turns off the engine. He flashes me a small smile. "Come on." I swallow a little bit. "No, I can just wait in the car." He rolls his eyes. "Oh come on. It's only for a minute. You'll be safer in there, than out here alone." I could smack him for saying something like that to me, because it's gotten me paranoid as hell in a matter of seconds. I look into his eyes, and part of me knows he did it on purpose. Part of that is so fucked up, but I guess I can't really say anything because I've messed up the whole night anyway. He gets out of the car, and I miserably do the same. We walk the few feet to the store and he holds the door open for me with a silly little grin on his face. It's crazy he's acting that way. It's like he doesn't care that I'm acting like a reject of society right now...he'd still rather I was here with him. Nobody has ever acted that way with me before. They didn't have the patience, but Cooper does, and I'm so fucking lost it's not funny. The people at the register say hello to Cooper enthusiastically as he waves and introduces me as his friend from school. I smile politely but don't try to make conversation. Cooper excuses himself to go in the back to look at his schedule, and I nod quickly, telling him I'll go look around. I make a bee line deep into the store, where I can hide from the other people so they won't stare at me and start to ask me questions. This is a bookstore after all, and I'm sure my face has been plastered on some tabloid magazine they've stocked at one point or another. The last thing I want is to be recognized or asked about Justin. I just couldn't deal with that tonight. I get lost in the fiction section for awhile, but I find myself having a difficult time finding a book to read. I used to really like thrillers and mystery novels, but just by reading some of the plot lines, I know I'd never be able to stomach them. I'd start remembering shit...and so that's out. I almost wander into the romance section, but then I remember how fucked up my love life is and yeah, that's not going to work out either. Eventually I realize I've started to read the backs of Star Wars novels, and I know I've gone off the deep end. Next thing I'll be doing is dressing up as an Ewok and going to Star Wars Conventions. "Big sci fi fan?" "Jesus!" It scares the crap out of me, causing me to drop the book in my hands and I whirl around, ready to slap him in the face. I hold a hand to my chest, trying to catch my breath, but I find that every feeling of anger I had inside of me, has melted away at the site of Coopers smile. I let out a long breath. "You can't do that." He laughs a little as he bends down to retrieve the book I dropped. "Wow, when did we get 'the Endorian Battle' in? I've been waiting for this." He seemingly ignores how freaked out he just made me, as he flips open to the first page of the book and starts to scan it with fascinated eyes. "I gotta buy this." "You're into Star Wars?," I roll my eyes. Cooper never struck me as the type that was into that weird sci fi role playing stuff. He's always seem too organized and intellectual for that sort of thing. I don't know though. Maybe I tend to misjudge people most of the time. Hell, maybe I shouldn't be analyzing anybodies love of Star Wars and the like. It's kind of lame. "Yeah." He closes the book. "SInce I was five. But you and I really haven't been able to discuss lame things like Sith Wars, yet. It's just a little obsession of mine. I can do at least fifteen imitations of voices from the movies. I didn't exactly have much of a life in high school." He blushes a little bit, and clutches the book tighter in his hands. I try not to smile, I really do. I cross my arms and roll my eyes, like he's not impressing me with his stupid pop culture fodder. But in reality, I find this little detail about him so adorable. Seriously, if I was normal, I'd squeeze him. But I can't because I'm a freak. "Okay," I say, unamused. "Do yoda." He glances around slyly, like he's about to perform some unspeakable act. "Help you I can, yes." It's a spot on imitation, and I should be normal and laugh. I can't though. I"m just afraid of what might happen if he gets it in his head that his plan to make me like him is working. "It was okay," I say seriously. "That was nothing," he says, proudly. "You should hear my wookie." I raise an eyebrow, and start to get a little nervous when he leans in toward me, that awesome smile of his still on his face. "But I don't do that for just anybody," he whispers, his breath hot in my ear. I feel myself become weak, because I know he's flirting with me now. I can't handle it, because I know I like it, and I'm just so angry that I can't stop my emotions from overflowing anymore. I do like this guy. He's sweet, and humble. He's a gentleman. He wants to care about what I have to say. And the worst thing is, he's really hot to top it all off. I want to ask him where he came from, and tell him to go back there so I can get back to my life. But then... I don't want him to go away. I hate everything right now. "So you want a book or something?" He shoves his hands in his pockets and rocks back on his heels. "I get a good discount." This time I can't help but smile and laugh. "No, I think I'll be okay for now." "Come on," he smiles and nudges me. "You can consider it a consolation prize for having a shitty date with me." "I think it's more like, you had a shitty date with me," I sigh, my smiling fading. "Nah." His cheeks turn a light shade of pink, and his smile doesn't fade. "I knew it would be this way. But you know, the thing about it is...I'm still smiling despite all of that and you aren't." I just stare at him, like he's so ridiculous for saying it to me. "Why are you smiling?" "I really can't help myself, Kerri," he says, biting his bottom lip nervously. "When I saw you for the first time, at that club... I mean, granted you were drunk, but all I could think was that you were the most beautiful girl there." "Please." I resist the urge to swoon, and do the best I can not to smile, or blush. I can't. "Stop trying to be charming." I start walking to the front of the store slowly. Of course he follows me, grinning harder than he was before. "Why?," he whispers. "Is it working?" I don't look at him, because he's starting to scare me. Justin used to pull the same kind of crap with me, and I always thought it was the sexiest thing ever. His behavior made me fall so hard, so fast. I wanted him all the time...it was never enough. And now, hearing Cooper saying the same type of shit is driving me crazy. "I'm ready to go home," I say, quickening my pace as I walk. "You're just saying that," he says, not failing to keep up with me. I stop and turn to him but don't say anything. He can see right through me, and it sucks. I can't bottle up my emotions with him, he's too smart, and he knows what to say to get in between my walls and right to where I'm the most vulnerable. "I'm ready to leave, now." "If you didn't want this to happen, you would have stood me up tonight." He pauses and searches my eyes for a response, but frowns when I don't say anything else to him and simply roll my eyes to prove to him that he's wrong. "God, fine." His shoulders sag in defeat. "At least let me buy you a damn book." I grab the closest book within my reach so he'll shut up and we can leave. "Fine here." I thrust it at him in annoyance. But then he just starts laughing to himself, and I have officially given up on getting anywhere. "The Ten Most Evil Women of All Time? Wow Ker, is this a hint that you hate me?," he laughs heartily. I look over at the book in his hands quickly, and I can't help but laugh. It really is ironic that I picked that up, given the situation. "That would only happen to me," I laugh. He smiles. "I am so buying you this." Without hesitation he grabs my hand and drags me up to the checkout with him. I'm a little taken back by his sudden urge to touch me, but I don't stop him for some reason. I don't feel like fighting back anymore tonight, and I guess... I just don't mind him holding my hand all that much either. He buys my ridiculous book along with his dorky ass Star Wars one, and after bidding his co workers a good night, we head back out to the car again. I'm not holding his hand now, just walking beside him instead. He's not rambling on about any random topic surprisingly, and I being to revel in the silence. It's nice, just being with him and not worrying about opinions or situations. I could do this more... But then again I don't know if thats the best idea. We stop in front of his car and he unlocks my door for me, but he stops me before I can get in. "Hey." I look up at him. "Hey?" He puts a hand to my face, smoothing his fingers over my cheek lightly. Surges of electricity seem to flow through my bloodstream at that exact moment, but I can't understand it. I bring my hand up, to brush his hand away. "Cooper." But he kisses me, even though I'm sure he knew I was going to tell him to stop. It's an open mouth kiss, and I know I should pull away but I... I just don't. I just kiss him back, hungrily, eagerly. I feel him pull me closer to him, and his hands travel down my body, tugging at my waistline. I don't even know how long it lasts, because I'm completely lost in his smile and his kiss. It's uncanny how natural it all is, and how good it feels. But as soon as I feel myself completely slipping away, to the point of no return, he stops and pulls back. Then he just stares at me for awhile, while I stare back...wide eyed, not having a clue what the hell I'm supposed to do next. It's going to hit me later I'm sure...the things I should have done and said, and the fact that he's the first guy I've ever kissed outside of Trace and Justin. It's sad and great all at once, and I feel myself getting weak. I need to lie down... "Are you going to slap me?," he whispers, his smile growing wider than I've ever seen it before. I shake my head slowly, hesitating for a few moments before I get out a soft "No." "Can I kiss you some more?," he asks me, cautiously. And this time I'm the one who doesn't hesitate. |
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ialwayzbesingin |
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I'm posting the chapters I've neglected to post here so people can catch up. Sorry about that
Twisting and Turning I haven't been sleeping well the past few nights, but for the first time it hasn't been because of some fucked up nightmare about Shane...or even Kerri. I keep having visions of her, I mean...Melanie, in my dreams. The other night in the studio, I'd just given in. We'd been so close and she'd just been so beautiful that I hadn't been able to stop myself from trying to let her know how I've started to feel about her. She smelled of raspberries and when I'd been close enough to breathe her scent in I became absolutely addicted to her. I wanted to pull her close, hold her, and kiss her. But really, I should have known I was out of line. Melanie isn't like that. I could tell part of her was terrified when I'd brushed my hand against her cheek, but when I looked deeper into her eyes, for a split second I could see a look of longing in them. Like she wanted me more than she wanted to admit. I'd smiled. I'd somehow begun to think that she really liked me as much as I was starting to like her. But I'd received a rude awakening when she freaked and ran out on me. I tried not to be frustrated with her for doing that. I knew I shouldn't have expected any other reaction out of her, but when you're a guy that hasn't had really good sex in a long ass time there are things that suck about being left hung out dry. I'd spent a good half hour in the shower jerking off after that, and fuck it felt so amazing. I'd forgotten that I hadn't had the urge to do anything like that in months, so when it finally...came out...I felt like an entirely new human being. It was sad to admit. I wouldn't even tell Trace because I know he'd make fun of me, or just look at me weird. The days that have passed since our little encounter in my studio have been anything but normal. Mel and I have basically been tip toeing around each other, barely making eye contact, and only chatting long enough to get each others agendas in check. It's really frustrating that I can't talk to her the same as before. But each time I tried to break down and do it I would just think about how much I wanted to touch her, and I knew it was dangerous to try and get into anything with her. I don't need another Kerri episode, that's for fucking sure. I've been trying to clear my head through my journal. I realized I hadn't been writing in it as much as I should have been, but I guess I've been so distracted hanging out with Mel and now with Trace that I sort of neglected it. Somehow I think that might be sort of good too, it could mean I'm starting to move on and get my life back in order. But I don't know, it's probably still too soon to assume things like that. I still find solace in it's pages. I've been writing the last couple of nights, mostly about current events. Shane has become less and less a topic of discussion too. Instead, I find myself writing paragraph after paragraph about my feelings for Mel. I guess I just can't help it. There's nobody else I can trust to dish this kind of shit out too. Trace would just think I'm not ready, and tell me that I'm an asshole. Telling my mom about it is out of the question too, because I'm sure she'd have a coronary. So until things change, my journal is still one of my greatest tools, and my greatest confidant. I'm really unsure of a couple of things. One, where my heart is really at, and two, where the hell my mind is at. I don't know if I have these feelings for Mel because she's the only one around, and the only one who's stuck by me, or simply because I really do like her a lot. It terrifies me that I could end up using her, and end up shattering her after everything she's done for me. I just don't know if I can trust myself, or rely on myself not to turn into a selfish fucking bastard again. But the more I think about it, I treated Kerri that way because she treated me that way. Always pushing me, always telling me how miserable she was...always reminding me of all the shit that happened. Of course what I did to her in the end was unforgivable, I'm not denying that. But Kerri and I...we were never meant to have that kind of relationship. I just clung to her when I shouldn't have and I didn't realize what had happened until it was too late. Melanie is so different. We relate to each other. We can just sit together quietly and know...just know that we're fucked up and it's okay. Hell, I don't even know her whole story. I know the basics about her and the mental hospital she was in but that's it. I can't push her for more information. It wouldn't be fair considering I don't think I can ever tell her about what Shane did to me. Nobody has ever been able to look at me and just...know. And it's making me fall for her so damn hard. I keep thinking to myself that I could love this girl. I could really love her, and that's just so shitty because I know it can never happen... It's put me in a really uncomfortable mood. My feelings for her have sprung up so fast and I don't know how to handle it. It's like one minute I hated her and wanted her out, and then it was just like BAM I was falling for her. It's not fucking fair, and I know it's even less fair to her because she probably has no clue as to why I've been acting so weird. I want to snap out of it but I guess I'm just in too deep now. I care about her. I went to lunch with Clive and Johnny on Monday. Funnily enough, I was actually itching to go, despite the fact that I usually hate that kind of work related shit, not to mention the fact that Clive makes me nervous as fuck. I guess I just needed to get out of the house, and away from Melanie who'd been confusing the hell out of me. I'd called Trace the night before, practically begging him to come to the meeting with me. I knew I couldn't bring Mel. She's not in the business and she probably would have been really bored and uncomfortable the entire time. Trace had been hesitant to agree at first. He told me that he wasn't my assistant anymore, and I shouldn't have been asking him to attend a business meeting with me. But I really explained myself. I told him that my mom was a pain in the ass to take, because she treated me like a baby most of the time and I didnt need Clive Davis thinking I couldn't handle my own shit. Naturally he told me to bring Melanie because she could just sit there quiet and "look cute" as he so idiotically put it. "Trace, you know all about my career. If they ask me a question I'm unsure about you always have the answer before I can fuck things up," I'd whined. "I thought we'd agreed to just sort shit out first," he'd sighed. "I don't know if I'm ready to be a part of your whole thing again, Justin." I'd understood, but I was a lot more persistent that I'd been before Trace and I had stopped talking. I knew that having him with me at the lunch was a smart move. Johnny liked him a lot, he'd always felt that he'd kept my ass in line when I'd been going out of my skull. I figured if he saw Trace there he'd be a lot more confident in my effort to get my career back on track again, and in turn he'd relay his feelings to Clive. They wouldn't be up my ass so much after that, I was sure. So I knew it was important to prove to Trace how important he was, even though I hated kissing the little bastards ass for more than ten minutes at a time. "Look, I need you. If I had any other choice, or any other person that was as good as you are I'd ask them. But I just don't, Trace." I knew I was giving him a confidence boost, and when he'd laughed and told me that he'd known I'd never make it without him from the beginning, I knew I'd won the battle. The lunch had gone well after all. Clive and Johnny had loved the demo I'd presented, and so I'd been glad that I'd taken Melanie's comments about the song to heart. They said it could possibly be another single too, so I know thats promising. It means people will be paying attention to my re-release, and I'll be back in the same spot I was before...everything happened. Then everybody will be happy. Almost everybody, anyway. I'll still be like this coin. You flip one side and you get a fake smile and forced enthusiasm. You flip to the other side and you have this broken up mess of a guy who used to be outgoing, and is trying as hard as he can to get back to his old ways again. It's a shitty way to live, but I probably know better than anybody that it's how this business works. Nobody cares if you're sad, or if you're happy...they just want what they want. And I'll put up with it because I don't have anything else to fall back on. If I'm not performing and making music then what am I supposed to do? I'll be a nothing, just dwindle away. Shane would have defeated me just like he always said he would... And I couldn't live with that. I'm up early this morning again. I've been getting up earlier than normal this week, partly because I haven't been sleeping anyway, and I needed to get some of my stupid aggression towards Mel out of my system before we went running. The last thing I want to do is flip out on her, because I'm sure she'd leave or bitch to my mom about how I've been acting weird all trying to kiss her and stuff. I've been working out in the basement a lot this week, and if I thought I had been slacking on my physical fitness routine before...I really know it now. Doing bench presses that used to seem so easy to me, felt like deadweight that very first morning. I wanted to kick myself for being so damn out of it and lazy. I'm going to give Jason a call next week. Hopefully he'll be happy I'm coming out of this rut and come by so we can start training again. I know with any kind of album release there's a lot of press that goes along with it and I need to look my best. I can't let people think I've turned into a weak little nothing. I drape the towel over my shoulder and grab a bottle of water out of the pantry before heading down into the basement. I start to put my headphones in, and clip my walkman to the waistband of my jogging shorts. But I have to stop at the bottom of the steps, because I see her now. She's....fuck....she's in a sports bra and leggings, moving in synch with the exercise video on the TV screen. I could fucking kill myself right now. She looks so good and she has no idea how painful it is for me to see her like this, half her body exposed. It takes all of my strength not to completely lose it as I walk up behind her and tap her on the shoulder. "What the hell are you doing?" She jumps and nearly kicks me as she whirls around. "God, Justin!," she exclaims, breathlessly. "I should be asking you that!" She places her hands on her hips and scowls at me. "Just didn't expect to see you here is all," I say quietly, a little embarrassed that I scared her like that. "It's really early." I bend down and pick up a couple of my weights from the ground and place them by my water and towel that I'd dropped to the floor. "That's why I came down. I figured you'd be asleep and I found this old Tae Bo video underneath your couch while I was vacuuming the other day. I figured I'd try it out," she explains, wiping the sweat from her forehead. "I've been a little agitated lately so I figured it might help me to mellow out." She's shooting me a look that's telling me I should know what she's hinting at, and of course I completely get it. Still, I don't make an argument. It's pointless, because I'm already aggravated as it is, and Trace and I have 18 holes of golf to conquer today. I'd like to be in a good mood for that because Trace has been putting an effort in to keep a smile on his face for me, and I want to do the same thing for him. "Wow." I pick up the video box from its place on top of the TV. "I thought I lost this thing back when I first moved into the house. Me and my trainer were fuckin around with it, and after I guess I just chucked it somewhere." I smile at the memory of Jason bringing it by, and me thinking it was some lame version of karate that I didn't want to learn. As it turned out, I'd actually ended up liking the Tae Bo techniques. They were a big help with some of the more advanced choreography that Marty ended up creating for the tour. "Yeah," she chuckles. "Like behind your couch. I guess it got put to a lot of good use there." "Whatever." I take my sweatshirt and tee shirt off, leaving only my undershirt on as a polite cover up. Most of the time I really like to work out without any shirt on at all, but I can sense how tense Mel gets when I walk around in just my jogging shorts, and things have been awkward enough this week without me adding to it. "I meant to use it. I just never had the time." "Aww, poor baby." She smiles to herself and walks back to the TV so she can rewind the video back to where it left off. "It's gotta piss you off." I pick up one of the bar bells and start to do arm crunches, trying to keep my eyes from lingering on her spandex covered behind. I hate to admit that I've been looking at her ass a lot this week. It's really sleazy of me but I just can't help myself. She really has a nice one, all rounded and shit...something I could put my hands on and grab.... Fuck. "Wh-what pisses me off?," I say, keeping my gaze focused on the wall. "That I could kick your ass." She giggles a little bit and starts to move along with the video again. I put down the weight and stare at her. "Excuse me?" "Oh come on." She does a few of the punches and kicks before glancing over at me. "You and I both know I could." I don't know what she's trying to do. Could it be that the past few days have been so overwhelmingly pathetic between us that she's trying to lighten the mood? Or is she so frustrated that she's saying this shit to piss me off? Fuck I don't know if I'm supposed to be playful and flirt with her right now, or try to insult her back with a crude comment. I really, really am trying to avoid being a dick right now though so I smile and say: "You really think you can pin me?" She stops what she's doing and smoothes her hair back, big old smile on her face. "Oh I don't think... I know." "IT"S TIME FOR A BATTLE." The TV yells the words at us suddenly and we both glance at the muscular man on the screen before looking at each other again and smiling softly. As I look at her, all I can think is that she's so...hot, and I'd like nothing more than to tackle her to the ground and just.... What am I thinking? I can't do that with her. I mean...this is Melanie, not some fuckin slutty ass girl. "Come on Justin." She smiles, and pulls her hair back into a messy ponytail. "You think you can prove me wrong?" "Oh I don't know, Mel," I chuckle. "I don't want to hurt you." She throws her head back and laughs out loud. It's weird. I love watching her smile and laugh like that because she never does it, but at the same time I feel like my pride is being hurt. The insecurities that are constantly looming in the back of my mind are sort of tapping me on my shoulder right now, reminding me that she could think that I'm a weak person that can't fight back. And I can't let her think that. "Okay." I say, sternly. "Let's go if you're so tough."" "Well...all right..." Her smile fades slightly and she eyes me suspiciously. A few odd moments of silence pass between us then, each one trying to figure out what the other is thinking. But when nothing is said, and the Tae Bo video guy starts to count down for the battle to begin, we both move in for the kill. "BATTLE!" Immediately I go in to grab her, but she's much too fast for me. She ducks as I go for her shoulders and rolls underneath me, grabbing me by the legs and pulling me down to the floor before I know what's hit me. I'm lying face up, staring at the ceiling, trying to catch my breath so I can get up and tackle her like I said I would. But then she's on top of me, grabbing my hands and holding them above my head so I can't move. I'm staring directly into her eyes now, and she's laughing at me, her eyes filled with this weird, lusty filled gaze that I can't exactly place with anything I've seen on any other woman before. It makes me want to grab her and just fuckin....do things to her that would drive her crazy. Before, when I was normal, I would be doing just that too. I would have broken free from her grip by now, grabbed her waist and rolled over onto her so I could kiss her...strip her down naked... But the thought of trying that at this point in my life scares the shit out of me. "I guess you were wrong," she whispers. "I guess I was." We stay in this position for a good five minutes, just staring at each other. Soon, the sound of the TV becomes non existent. It's just us now, me and her, and that's all I want it to be. I don't care about today, what I have planned, or anything else. I could lay like this with her all day, I know that now. It's fucking scary as hell too but I guess that comes with the territory...it comes with moving on. I just wish I had the guts to tell her...or to kiss her. But I can't. "I um..." She trails off and breaks her intense gaze from mine. "Yeah?" But she doesn't say anything else. She rolls off of me then, and gets up, holding her hand out for me to take. I let her help me up, not letting go of her hand right away when I get to my feet. "You okay?," I say, a little out of breath. "Uh, yeah..." She pulls away and grabs her water bottle from behind her. "Kind of dizzy." I feel myself blush a little. "Yeah." It's quiet again. She keeps guzzling her water and I keep staring at her like a dumb ass. I know she can feel my eyes on her too, and I have no idea if she feels uncomfortable, angry, or if she likes it. "Hey, Mel. About, you know....this week and stuff...." "Hey, I should start breakfast." She screws the cap back on her water. "Sorry I took up your work out time, Justin. I know you want | |||
