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You can I allow it, lol. I'm trying my best to get the next update finished, though at the minute I feel like throwing my computer out the window. This bloody story, I tells ya!

Aaaaw, thank you! I'm so glad to have you tearing up, lol, it's okay to kind of hate me! I have two updates that I just have to edit so hopefully one will be up tonight. Thanks for reading and commenting

Here we go, no need for threats, okay? Seriously, thanks for reading and especially for commenting. Here's the next one:

The Pop Singer's Fear of the Pollen Count

[November 12th, 2010]

More chemo. More fucking chemo and some other inter-something-therapy to help my immune system or some shit. Ten more weeks. Oh deep joy. The good news is, they don't give chemo on Christmas day, so I'll be getting mine on Christmas Eve so that I can slowly crawl closer to death while the rest of my family opens gifts and eats turkey. Yet more good news: we're stuck in LA, which ruins an almost life-long tradition of a Memphis holiday. This is all so great; I can't even imagine what I'll get for my birthday! I don't exactly know what the doctor meant by the ton of shit he told us, but Beth says the last drugs weren't strong enough to actually kill the bad cells, just to stop them growing some, so the new shit is stronger and so will probably make me feel even more like shit than usual, which will really be something, because I didn't think that was possible. It's been a while since I had a really good day; one where there's minimal vomiting and where I actually enjoy going out. But you know, I'm starting to hate being in this fucking house, too.

I love my girlfriend, but sometimes she can make me feel like a real asshole. She's called me that on several occasions, but mostly she can make me feel like shit without even trying. If I went downstairs, smashed up the kitchen, yelled in her face and then told her to clean up the puke that missed the toilet when I threw up just now, she'd do it without a word; no bitching, no complaining, just with that look that tells me that she knows she doesn't deserve the asshole attitude and that I am a lucky son of a bitch that she hasn't left me on my own to deal with this. I've been with her long enough now to know that she'll take a certain amount of shit from me, like I will from her, and I guess if I'm sane about it I know there's not a lot I could do that would actually make her leave me, but sometimes I wonder if she really is starting to hate my guts, and maybe she feels like she can't call me on it when I'm sick. I don't know what to expect from her now, like, I never ever expected her to be so completely unaffected when I asked her to marry me. I don't blame her, though. I mean, I'm not exactly hot property right now, I can't offer her much in the way of a life together or even tomorrow together because I don't know what the fuck is going to happen. Still, part of me expected her to be all about the wedding and the dress and the ring and the flowers and all that crap that I know she loves.

I clearly remember being at Amy Waller's wedding in Tennessee, not even a year ago, and Beth spent the whole day squealing over how cute everything was; and there is nothing subtle about dragging me to the window of every jewellery store 'just to see what they have.' She has an itchy ring finger and I know it. That was kind of cool, though. Like it was fun to act like she was crazy and call her 'bride-zilla' and stuff, but I dug the fact that she really wanted to be married, and to me. Now I'm the asshole for not asking her when I was so sure she would say yes. She wasn't herself at Trace's wedding, though. Kind of quiet I guess, disinterested maybe. She told me she's really happy for Trace and Elisha and she thought the wedding was nice, but I guess I didn't completely believe that. Me bleeding all over her probably didn't do anything to improve her experience, but I was kind of surprised that she wasn't more into the spirit of the whole thing. I enjoyed it besides feeling like crap for most of the day. It was fun just because basically everyone we know from back home was there, and Trace definitely deserves to have what I have, in terms of the family and a cool home life, not the cancer and unwilling bride part.

You know, I put off proposing until after the movie, then I thought we'd do it when I got done with the record but then I figured it would be better to do it when I finished touring and we could take some time off to actually enjoy planning everything and having a long honeymoon, now I'm trying to tie the knot asap in case I die walking her up the aisle, or something. Things are cool as they are, or were, I have a pretty great set up living in sin with my best woman friend and my son, I knew she wasn't going anywhere and I was in no rush to put the diamond lock on her finger, now that I think I might never get to do it, I'm desperate to give her what she wants.

We all shuffle around here pretending like life is normal but it fucking isn't. I'm not dumb enough to think that I'm getting better, but I'm not stupid enough to put the pressure of that little truth on anybody else, either. I just get this feeling. It's odd, but I feel it. Today, every part of me feels like shit. I have a headache, a sick stomach, my joints ache, I haven't eaten anything but I've thrown up and shit like three times already, I have sinus pain, my fucking skin itches all over, I have a twitch under my right eye…and I don't think I say a fucking thing about it. Everybody knows I don't feel good, Beth, mom and Rachael have taken every bitchy comment and complaint I've thrown at them without a negative word, I know it isn't fair on them to keep whining. I'm kind of starting to get tired of even listening to myself, but it's like I can't even concentrate on anything other than how bad I feel. Logan was in here this morning trying to tell me about some little show or something that they're doing at the school and I'm not even sure of exactly what he told me, I couldn't even listen to the kid, and I'm not that guy. I refuse to become a pussy about all this, I can't fuck up anybody's life any more than I already have. My son does not deserve to have memories of me like this, I don't want to be the boring motherfucker crying in bed all day, this isn't who I am and this isn't who I want to be to my family.

I can't even fuck my girlfriend. Believe me, I have tried to get my brain to communicate with my dick but there's a missing connection somewhere. I know she doesn't mind, hell, I'm not sure that she's even noticed that I can't get it up. She's around me plenty, rarely leaves, actually, but other than maybe laying beside me or hugging on me a little bit, she hasn't been actually on me like usual. If I were her I wouldn't be all over me, anyway. I look like…the evil bald guy from those Harry Potter movies. I'm so white I'm almost blue, if that makes sense. I have no body hair whatsoever, and I'm losing muscle everywhere but my stomach is kind of swollen, but they told me that might happen. I look like a newborn, I swear. Every time I look at Beth all I can think about is how big the hotness gap is between us now. She's skinny and pale now too but still gorgeous even if she's getting bony. This makes me feel like even more of an asshole because it's my fault that she's exhausted and she 'forgets' or doesn't have time to eat and probably isn't at full health either because of me. Mom even told me that Beth complained a little to her about feeling unwell, but I'm yet to hear anything about it.

My mom looks like shit too, to be honest. The only okay-looking person in this house is LJ, which is sad, because you know when somebody as laid back is Rachael is starting to look strung out, something is fucked up. I'm glad she's here, even if she does remove herself sometimes and leave most things to Beth and my mom, she helps in the best way she can. Beth figures this whole thing makes Rach uncomfortable, which annoys me a little because she's supposed to be like my sister or something, but I guess I understand, some people can't deal with it. Trace couldn't in the beginning, and I haven't really heard from a lot of people who I expected to at least call or something when they heard I was sick, but whatever, you learn who has your back when shit like this happens. My fans, man. Thousands of people I don't even know have sent me shit, donated to the leukaemia charity we linked on the website, are doing all this sponsored stuff and generally just being cool and thoughtful about me while I'm sick. For the most part they're respecting our privacy though I can't say the same for the press. The funny thing is, they all know I have leukaemia but nobody has really got it 100%, they're telling everybody that because I'm young and they caught it early I'm going to be just fine. Their facts are off to say the least. The funniest one they've come up with recently is that Beth is pregnant again; if fucking only. Little do they know, huh? I can barely get by with one kid at the minute, I'm a shitty dad right now, it would be stupid to drag another kid into this. Logan is enough for me, I'll always be satisfied knowing that I at least did one awesome thing, I'm responsible for that fucking cool kid, and I can be happy with that, but if I could double that feeling, I'd do it. I know Beth would probably like a little girl, and I'd be stoked for a daughter too, but having a son is perfect. Like, everybody says their kid is the shit, but mine really is. We managed to make the perfect mix of cute, smart, funny and goofy. There is no one I'd rather hang out with, and so I feel like a total jackass when I don't have the energy and sometimes even the patience to entertain him.

Why couldn't this have happened to me before there was a kid in the mix? Or even when he's older and could maybe handle it if something happens to me. Old enough to at least remember me, anyways. What did I do that was so wrong, like what merited this? I don't pretend to be a saint, I've done some fucked up things in my time but I'm not a bad person, not now anyway; I'm good to my girlfriend most of the time, I try to be good to her all of the time, and I'm a good father, maybe this shit is to even out all the good stuff I have, or something. I know I should probably believe that this is all part of a higher plan for my life, or something. My mom has her nose in the Bible every time I see her and she tells me that this could be a test of faith or whatever, and that we're not supposed to understand the Lord's movements, but I'm having issues trying to trust that, I don't know why me and my family would have to suffer like this for any reason. I might deserve some level of bullshit but they don't, they definitely don't deserve this.

Now now, no need for threats! Although I am currently doubtful that I will be physically capable of writing anything if I ever get this story finished, if I do, I will hunt you down and FORCE YOU to read it! So there!